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SuicideToAttainMyGlory

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  1. True to my words, I have applied to only UCLA during last Fall (2015) to prove the point that I am extremely faithful to the idea that I belong to UCLA (and only UCLA) during my undergraduate career. I was rejected in the kindest way possible, and I kept my anger to myself. I was angry because I went above and beyond going to TWO community colleges to bring my GPAs up to 3.198 (making my GPA now acceptable to even UCLA). After talking to the counselor this week, I will still apply to UCLA again. However, I will also apply to schools like UC Santa Barbara, which is a party school but still more competitive than any CSU that I know of. My same counselor will draft up a formal education plan next Monday (August 8th, 2016) despite the fact that I have fulfilled all the prerequisites already. Again, thanks for the advices guys. I may still be depressed at times but I don't feel suicidal anymore. Currently, however, I have a problem that may re-affect my study. For those who are of no nonsense nature, please answer my thread below.
  2. I thank you also for supporting reality with such a succinct statement. I have always known this to be a fact. Heck, I can probably state it better: Slow and steady also runs out of time, so please -SuicideToAttainMyGlory - don't be so "retardedly" happy about the cliché story of the tortoise beating the bunny. I only want people to understand one thing: at times I would rather be a happy vegetable than a full and intelligent human being brimming with the utmost need to be excellent but is tragically and continously being "put down" because of several severe mental disorders that people are unaware of/turn a blind eye to. The second option is a pure torture of the human spirit and my heart is nearing explosion because I - objectively speaking (whether you believe it or not)- am in that category. You probably do not understand this easy fundamental fact, and I don't blame you; many people at top universities unrightfully deciding the fate of a lot of beautiful humans do not understand this. While I appreciate your honesty, if your statement was intended - in anyway - to express your smugness and kick down an already fallen person, then shame on you.
  3. Thank you very much for your stories and advices, all of you. I do not know what I was thinking today, but now I can see some reasonable hope in my academic life. Thank you all again. I will try not to think about suicide after this. That is not bad at all if you are talking about the top university known as UC Berkeley
  4. Thank you for acknowledging that my anger is based on real world problems, instead of going CBT "you are doing great" on me. I really appreciate that. Thank you for your comforting words, but there is no need to be dishonest. Nobody reasonably young who is working towards PhDs or ScDs right now was stuck at a community college like me.
  5. My story is very similar to a another certain person on this forum. I am in a far worse postion however, since at least she graduated with her Bachelor's while I am still in the community college level. People say that OCD and PTSD occur together quite often. In terms of my life, I am quite sure that my OCD (officially diagnosed) was the cause of my probable PTSD (not diagnosed). I was always the child with many potentials and my high school year - despite past traumas from earlier childhood geekiness - could have been the most glorious era of my life. The problem, of course, was that I was first ignorant of even having OCD. Then I long denied myself that I have any problems. Finally, I foolishly gave into the urges of my OCD and became re-traumatized (because of the embarassing things I would do in public) during the time period that any person should remember forever - my senior year in high school. Community college should have been my ultimate second chance. My avoidance however became severe and I "intentionally' gave up on many opportunities. Finally, during the summer of 2013, I met a true great psychiatrist and was properly diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder. I took medications including Setraline (which should have helped out my PTSD if I have it). My life improved drastically. In every corners of my life, I would say that I am making major progresses. I re-continue my great relationships with my family and I am thankfully productive with my work. The problem is that I hit a wall in my academic life. I went to two colleges of the LACCD (Pierce College and LAVC from Los Angeles Community College District), and my grades were horrendous for both of them. No - despite such embarassments - I do not consider myself "retarded";in fact - after given the proper medications - I took many "bullshit" classes and some "upper division" classes like Organic Chemistry - receiving straight A's on all of them. The problem was that I stupidly gave in to my Obsessive Compulsive desires. I would be "forced" to do many non-academic things before I can even study or do homework. Several times, I could not even show up for the exams!!!!! Do you think this is the most painful things that you have ever heard? Well, I did have more choices: I could have dropped the classes before I received some shameful grades. It's just that my OCD voices -again - told me not to make the obviously sensible action. So I received F's that were completely unnecessary. I am stuck in the community colleges for far too long. Not quite as long as those who "studied" for 10 to 15 years, but it is beyond 3 years and this embarassment is near the limit even for me. Because of my large collection of shitty grades, I feel extremely hopeless right now. I will continue to take the "upper division" courses like the Final Organic Chemistry class, Physics 102 and 103 and Calculus 2 and 3, but I do not see how I can get out of this shitty mess that I am in. UCLA has always been - since I was a child - my dream school. I wanted to receive at least a Bachelor's at this school at a normal age (21 years old). When I failed so epically and passed the age of 21, I very reluctantly calmed down and optimistically promised myself further dates. However, let me say this now, I fear that if I don't graduate by late 20's or early 30's, I may not be able to control my grief anymore and I might do something very regrettable. UCLA needed a minimum of 3.2 GPA. When I thought that my GPA at least improved to a 3.3 level, it turns out that it was only 2.9 cumulative. It may still reach 3.2, but this means more years at the community college. Yes, I am going to meet an academic counselor next week. However, based on my experience, most of these meetups are useless and the counselors may be mean ("What is this? Are you serious?"). After all of these years, I am still not quite sure about "academic forgiveness", how it really works in the community colleges and how it really works when UCLA looks at the grades. I want my shitty grades to be completely eliminated though - of course - it would be "unfair" to some people. Hah!!!!! "Unfair?" I am a completely different person than my past self. Why is it that no matter how much I improved the world will find new ways to continually suffocate me? Why should my past self be tormenting my transcripts? I guess I could always go to CSUN, a university known for students with mediocre grades. I meant no disrespect to those students, but I would rather commit suicide than to fail myself again. I am sure some of you don't understand this basic fact, that I cannot change my dreams. Dreams are NOT wants, they are needs. I have a certain ultimate dream because I have a certain ultimate dream. When a dream is crushed, it is as bad as having no food or water. Please do not blame people when they commit suicide. Again, I will go see a counselor next week. It seems like some of my grades were not forgiven despite the promises. I am getting tired of feeling hopelessness, so I hope to receive some help from you guys as well. Thank you very much. You got realize how lucky you grads are. Signing off, A person who probably cannot become an biopaleontologist.
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