fuzzylogician

For what it's worth, my program (and I'm sure others as well) does routinely accept students with limited and even no background in linguistics. First-year students usually have less background in at least one of the three core areas, usually in semantics and sometimes in phonology - less often in syntax, and that gets sorted out in the first-year classes. In general, adcoms seem to be looking more for sharp minds that can form interesting questions - they'll worry about teaching you how to pursue the answers later.

I think that what is making your lives more difficult is not simply your lack of formal training in linguistics but more acutely the need to establish that you have the necessary background to form coherent research interests that will sustain you through graduate school, lacking that formal education. Since you didn't take classes in formal linguistics (or took less of them, or a subset of what a major/minor would include), adcoms might assume that you are lacking fundamental knowledge about linguistics. The questions on adcom's minds will inevitably be - can this person succeed in our linguistics graduate program? do they know what they are getting themselves into? will they be able to come up with interesting questions and conduct meaningful research? A lot of time, money and effort are invested in every grad student who is accepted, and that will all go to waste if that person learns that linguistics isn't really their thing after all, and quits. If the adcom decides that the answer is Yes, you are a worthwhile investment, then you will get the training you need to go after your interests. It's less what you already know and more about the conviction that you'll be able to pick up what knowledge you're lacking (and importantly, be able to tell what that is). So, your SOPs need to be even more convincing, more precise and detailed than those of other applicants', whose backgrounds are enough to convince the adcom that they know/can know what are interesting questions in the field.

This is the exact way to go.

Most first drafts of SOPs I've seen start with a narrative of the person's past and background, and only get around to their current/future interests towards the end of the essay. To have a good SOP, however, the focus should be on your current and (mostly) future research plans, and it should be apparent what your interests are as early as possible. It's the same advice I get now for writing papers - don't recount the history of all your failed attempts and bad starts, tell me the path that succeeded and show me what you can do with it.

For a good, focused SOP, you should be able to demonstrate that you are familiar with the inner workings of your field. Address strengths and weaknesses in current thought about your topic, or suggest a fresh way of looking at it; choose a project that is feasible in size for the degree you're applying to; aim to have similar interests/methodology/both as the researchers in the department you're applying to. Remember that you're not committing yourself to actually doing the project, you just want to show the adcom that you can think through the details of a possible project within your area of interest. Choose no more than 1-2 interests as your main interests and spend most of your time talking about them. It's OK to have secondary interests, but it should be clear where your interests lie.

Aside choosing the right kind of interests to discuss, fit is also understanding your intended department's attitude towards things like collaborations, innovation, going in unexplored directions, doing quantitative/qualitative/theoretical/practical/etc work. Talk about things that make sense for that department. Mention anything unique that the program offers - resources, reading groups, any kind of opportunity like an exchange or a diploma. If it's not a school that emphasizes teaching, don't dwell on that. If you're not sure that you'll be encouraged to take courses at other departments, make sure before you mention "resources" that are not really going to be there.

If you want to mention coursework in more detail, most applications will allow you to e.g. upload a summary as a supporting document or as part of your CV. You can also attached it to your transcript. Include a list of course names/numbers, the instructors, and a one-paragraph description of each course (+optionally, the grade and nr of credits, but that should be on your transcript; optionally2: the topic and short description of term papers you wrote for each course). All those details don't really have to be in your SOP, unless they're directly tied to your current/future interests. If you've caught the adcom's eye, they'll go look at your credentials anyway. Optionally: give a link to a website that contains all the work you're comfortable with the adcom seeing. It can be a simple googledocs-based site, I hear they are easy to make. If they're really interested, the adcom might want to know more about your work, and that's a great easy way to give them that extra information.

Ah, in that case I suggest that you take a step back and simply take more classes and get involved in research. Find out what you like more specifically, because your list is very broad and very vague. A PhD is about depth, not breadth. You do take courses for two years and there is place to learn and grow (in fact, it's necessary!), but you need to have a much better idea of what you want so you can apply to the right schools and get the kind of education you need to pursue your research interests. 
Yeah, did I mention you're vague? That's pretty much everything in experimental linguistics. But my point above is this: you use these tools to study a research question. What is the question (or set of questions) you are interested in? My perspective is that you pick the right tools to get at informed answers to research questions; you don't simply pick up tools and throw them against the wall and see what sticks without a purpose. Brain imaging, in particular, is very expensive. If you don't have a goal in mind for putting a bunch of people in the scanner, you'll be wasting a lot of time and money. So again, you start from the research interests, then you develop the tools to study them (both experimental and theoretical, by the way). You need to figure this part out before we can tell you what schools are right for you. 

This is the exact way to go.

Most first drafts of SOPs I've seen start with a narrative of the person's past and background, and only get around to their current/future interests towards the end of the essay. To have a good SOP, however, the focus should be on your current and (mostly) future research plans, and it should be apparent what your interests are as early as possible. It's the same advice I get now for writing papers - don't recount the history of all your failed attempts and bad starts, tell me the path that succeeded and show me what you can do with it.

For a good, focused SOP, you should be able to demonstrate that you are familiar with the inner workings of your field. Address strengths and weaknesses in current thought about your topic, or suggest a fresh way of looking at it; choose a project that is feasible in size for the degree you're applying to; aim to have similar interests/methodology/both as the researchers in the department you're applying to. Remember that you're not committing yourself to actually doing the project, you just want to show the adcom that you can think through the details of a possible project within your area of interest. Choose no more than 1-2 interests as your main interests and spend most of your time talking about them. It's OK to have secondary interests, but it should be clear where your interests lie.

Aside choosing the right kind of interests to discuss, fit is also understanding your intended department's attitude towards things like collaborations, innovation, going in unexplored directions, doing quantitative/qualitative/theoretical/practical/etc work. Talk about things that make sense for that department. Mention anything unique that the program offers - resources, reading groups, any kind of opportunity like an exchange or a diploma. If it's not a school that emphasizes teaching, don't dwell on that. If you're not sure that you'll be encouraged to take courses at other departments, make sure before you mention "resources" that are not really going to be there.

If you want to mention coursework in more detail, most applications will allow you to e.g. upload a summary as a supporting document or as part of your CV. You can also attached it to your transcript. Include a list of course names/numbers, the instructors, and a one-paragraph description of each course (+optionally, the grade and nr of credits, but that should be on your transcript; optionally2: the topic and short description of term papers you wrote for each course). All those details don't really have to be in your SOP, unless they're directly tied to your current/future interests. If you've caught the adcom's eye, they'll go look at your credentials anyway. Optionally: give a link to a website that contains all the work you're comfortable with the adcom seeing. It can be a simple googledocs-based site, I hear they are easy to make. If they're really interested, the adcom might want to know more about your work, and that's a great easy way to give them that extra information.

This is the exact way to go.

Most first drafts of SOPs I've seen start with a narrative of the person's past and background, and only get around to their current/future interests towards the end of the essay. To have a good SOP, however, the focus should be on your current and (mostly) future research plans, and it should be apparent what your interests are as early as possible. It's the same advice I get now for writing papers - don't recount the history of all your failed attempts and bad starts, tell me the path that succeeded and show me what you can do with it.

For a good, focused SOP, you should be able to demonstrate that you are familiar with the inner workings of your field. Address strengths and weaknesses in current thought about your topic, or suggest a fresh way of looking at it; choose a project that is feasible in size for the degree you're applying to; aim to have similar interests/methodology/both as the researchers in the department you're applying to. Remember that you're not committing yourself to actually doing the project, you just want to show the adcom that you can think through the details of a possible project within your area of interest. Choose no more than 1-2 interests as your main interests and spend most of your time talking about them. It's OK to have secondary interests, but it should be clear where your interests lie.

Aside choosing the right kind of interests to discuss, fit is also understanding your intended department's attitude towards things like collaborations, innovation, going in unexplored directions, doing quantitative/qualitative/theoretical/practical/etc work. Talk about things that make sense for that department. Mention anything unique that the program offers - resources, reading groups, any kind of opportunity like an exchange or a diploma. If it's not a school that emphasizes teaching, don't dwell on that. If you're not sure that you'll be encouraged to take courses at other departments, make sure before you mention "resources" that are not really going to be there.

If you want to mention coursework in more detail, most applications will allow you to e.g. upload a summary as a supporting document or as part of your CV. You can also attached it to your transcript. Include a list of course names/numbers, the instructors, and a one-paragraph description of each course (+optionally, the grade and nr of credits, but that should be on your transcript; optionally2: the topic and short description of term papers you wrote for each course). All those details don't really have to be in your SOP, unless they're directly tied to your current/future interests. If you've caught the adcom's eye, they'll go look at your credentials anyway. Optionally: give a link to a website that contains all the work you're comfortable with the adcom seeing. It can be a simple googledocs-based site, I hear they are easy to make. If they're really interested, the adcom might want to know more about your work, and that's a great easy way to give them that extra information.

Some links to past discussions:

This is the exact way to go.

Most first drafts of SOPs I've seen start with a narrative of the person's past and background, and only get around to their current/future interests towards the end of the essay. To have a good SOP, however, the focus should be on your current and (mostly) future research plans, and it should be apparent what your interests are as early as possible. It's the same advice I get now for writing papers - don't recount the history of all your failed attempts and bad starts, tell me the path that succeeded and show me what you can do with it.

For a good, focused SOP, you should be able to demonstrate that you are familiar with the inner workings of your field. Address strengths and weaknesses in current thought about your topic, or suggest a fresh way of looking at it; choose a project that is feasible in size for the degree you're applying to; aim to have similar interests/methodology/both as the researchers in the department you're applying to. Remember that you're not committing yourself to actually doing the project, you just want to show the adcom that you can think through the details of a possible project within your area of interest. Choose no more than 1-2 interests as your main interests and spend most of your time talking about them. It's OK to have secondary interests, but it should be clear where your interests lie.

Aside choosing the right kind of interests to discuss, fit is also understanding your intended department's attitude towards things like collaborations, innovation, going in unexplored directions, doing quantitative/qualitative/theoretical/practical/etc work. Talk about things that make sense for that department. Mention anything unique that the program offers - resources, reading groups, any kind of opportunity like an exchange or a diploma. If it's not a school that emphasizes teaching, don't dwell on that. If you're not sure that you'll be encouraged to take courses at other departments, make sure before you mention "resources" that are not really going to be there.

If you want to mention coursework in more detail, most applications will allow you to e.g. upload a summary as a supporting document or as part of your CV. You can also attached it to your transcript. Include a list of course names/numbers, the instructors, and a one-paragraph description of each course (+optionally, the grade and nr of credits, but that should be on your transcript; optionally2: the topic and short description of term papers you wrote for each course). All those details don't really have to be in your SOP, unless they're directly tied to your current/future interests. If you've caught the adcom's eye, they'll go look at your credentials anyway. Optionally: give a link to a website that contains all the work you're comfortable with the adcom seeing. It can be a simple googledocs-based site, I hear they are easy to make. If they're really interested, the adcom might want to know more about your work, and that's a great easy way to give them that extra information.

This is the exact way to go.

Most first drafts of SOPs I've seen start with a narrative of the person's past and background, and only get around to their current/future interests towards the end of the essay. To have a good SOP, however, the focus should be on your current and (mostly) future research plans, and it should be apparent what your interests are as early as possible. It's the same advice I get now for writing papers - don't recount the history of all your failed attempts and bad starts, tell me the path that succeeded and show me what you can do with it.

For a good, focused SOP, you should be able to demonstrate that you are familiar with the inner workings of your field. Address strengths and weaknesses in current thought about your topic, or suggest a fresh way of looking at it; choose a project that is feasible in size for the degree you're applying to; aim to have similar interests/methodology/both as the researchers in the department you're applying to. Remember that you're not committing yourself to actually doing the project, you just want to show the adcom that you can think through the details of a possible project within your area of interest. Choose no more than 1-2 interests as your main interests and spend most of your time talking about them. It's OK to have secondary interests, but it should be clear where your interests lie.

Aside choosing the right kind of interests to discuss, fit is also understanding your intended department's attitude towards things like collaborations, innovation, going in unexplored directions, doing quantitative/qualitative/theoretical/practical/etc work. Talk about things that make sense for that department. Mention anything unique that the program offers - resources, reading groups, any kind of opportunity like an exchange or a diploma. If it's not a school that emphasizes teaching, don't dwell on that. If you're not sure that you'll be encouraged to take courses at other departments, make sure before you mention "resources" that are not really going to be there.

If you want to mention coursework in more detail, most applications will allow you to e.g. upload a summary as a supporting document or as part of your CV. You can also attached it to your transcript. Include a list of course names/numbers, the instructors, and a one-paragraph description of each course (+optionally, the grade and nr of credits, but that should be on your transcript; optionally2: the topic and short description of term papers you wrote for each course). All those details don't really have to be in your SOP, unless they're directly tied to your current/future interests. If you've caught the adcom's eye, they'll go look at your credentials anyway. Optionally: give a link to a website that contains all the work you're comfortable with the adcom seeing. It can be a simple googledocs-based site, I hear they are easy to make. If they're really interested, the adcom might want to know more about your work, and that's a great easy way to give them that extra information.

I withdrew several applications once I was accepted to my first two choices and it became clear to me that I would not attend the other schools whose applications were still pending, in case I got accepted. I also made sure to decline offers from schools as soon as I wasn't considering them anymore, in case that could be helpful to anyone. I wasn't entirely sure whether these schools had a waitlist, but anyway I thought the decent thing to do was to save others the uncertainty of being on the waitlist or possibly getting rejected. I understand how it would be nice for one's ego to be able to count those applications as acceptances, but to be honest in the long run I've drawn a lot more satisfaction from knowing that I didn't deprive anyone else of the chance to go to grad school than from knowing that I might have been admitted to these schools (and immediately declined). After all, I got into my top choices and had a great grad school career. Once you're in school, no one really cares what other offers you had. I think it might have been discussed in the beginning of our first year, but it's not really been a topic ever since.
 
As for your second choice, I think you need to sit down and be very honest with yourself. Are you considering this option at all? If you might consider it, then you should give yourself a chance to get the offer and evaluate it then. If you do get the offer, you will have earned it fairly. As long as you are still considering it, I think it's fair to wait and see. However, if you are definitely going to attend your first choice school and you don't see any chance you'll change your mind, then I think the mature thing to do is to let go of it, despite the possible "damage" to your pride. 

1. Start the process as early as possible. Seriously. It's never too early to start.

2. Spend time researching the programs you are considering applying to - read their website, as well as potential advisors' websites. Read about the location, the weather, the current funding situation. Ask your professors about each school.

3. Don't apply to "safety schools", there is no such thing. Also don't apply to schools in locations you absolutely don't see yourself living in. Don't make choices that will make you unhappy before you even start.

4. Write an early SOP draft and put it aside for at least a few weeks. You may find while writing the draft that you struggle to define your interests. Spend some time thinking about that; it can be a real soul-searching process and you should not apply before you've gone through it and are confident in your chosen field(s).

5. Think ahead. One of the papers you write for a class this year will likely turn into your writing sample next year; get good feedback and revise accordingly. One or more of the professors you are taking classes with this year will be recommenders next year. Go to office hours, make yourself known to them. Seek feedback from them on your work, maybe even on papers for other classes if they are interested.

6. Use the summer wisely. A small RAship or an independent study could go a long way towards getting you some much needed research experience, maybe also a LOR and/or a writing sample. Not to mention how much it'll help you to better define your interests for your SOP.

7. Find out if it's customary to contact potential advisors ahead of time in your field. If so, do it a few weeks before or a few weeks after the new term starts. Don't wait, this can affect your choice where to apply.

8. Don't stress overmuch about grades. For one, there's little you can do to change the ones you already have. Further, the "intangible" parts of the application are so much more important.

9. Revise, revise, and revise some more. Let professors and friends read your SOP for content and for style. Let someone read your writing sample as well. Go through multiple versions, take your time. These things are hard to write.

10. Be on top of things, part 1. I suggest a chart with the following info for each school: (a) deadline, (b ) app fee, (c ) link to app website, (d) username, password for website, (e) requirements (how many transcripts, GRE/subject GRE score, TOEFL score, LORs, SOP prompt, writing sample length, other - diversity statement, personal statement, letter of intent, etc.), (f) potential advisors, links to websites

11. Be on top of things, part 2. Have a time line: deadlines for each school, when to order transcripts (how many), when to send out application packets, when to contact recommenders, when to send reminders. If you're international, look up American holidays around when you expect to send your app so you're not surprised by the (lack of) operating times of the post office and the schools.

12. Be on top of things, part 3. Get in touch with your recommenders early. Prepare a packet for each of them with your transcript, a paper you wrote for their class, a draft of your SOP, a list of the schools you're applying to with their deadline. Ask them if/when they would like you to send them reminders. Consider having a backup plan for flaky recommenders - in particular ones that will be away and will be hard to track down if they disappear.

Hi Baloch, I think you are not getting any answers because there aren't really many taught MAs in the US that are funded. A couple of programs that do come to mind are the University of California at Santa Cruz (UCSC) and the University of Chicago.
 
One option is to look outside the US, if that is something you are willing to consider. Here are some schools outside the US that have good MAs that would prepare you for a PhD in the US, many of which have at least some funding options (concentrating more on programs with a strong syntax/semantics background, because that's what I know more about): 
 
- Canadian schools: University of Toronto, McGill, UBC (look into the "qualifying year" as well as into the Masters), possibly also U of Ottawa, Simon Frasier U, Concordia.
- Dutch schools: ILLC in Amsterdam, Leiden, 
- UK schools: UCL, Queen Mary, Edinburgh, Cambridge, Oxford (funding options vary)
- Asian schools: Hong Kong (PolyU, CUHK, City U), Singapore (NUS, Nanyang)
- German schools: Tuebingen, Potsdam, Leipzig (look into DAAD funding)
- Russian schools: the funded Masters at the Higher School of Economics in Moscow

I was just wondering if you guys know of any (un)official rankings of linguistics departments either as a whole or by subfield. I haven't had luck finding much of anything online, except some vague rankings of "Humanities" as a whole which don't really help. When I was researching programs I used professors' advice and a whole lot of virtual leg-work (basically, I checked out the website of every department that appears the Linguist List's complete list of linguistics programs), but I'm still thinking it might just have been me missing something very basic, as I sometimes tend to do... So, which programs would you say make up the top 5/10/20 in the field? I know my professors had a very clear idea where the better places were, but what do you think?
(Yes, I know it's tantamount to gossip and shouldn't factor into the decision where to go, but it's still interesting :-D).

Some very good advice offered by Professor Kai von Fintel (MIT). Relevant if you are applying to grad school, are in grad school, or are about to go on the job market (especially if you're in semantics, but not only). 
 
http://www.howtobecomeaprofessor.com/interviews/how-to-become-a-professor-in-linguistics/

NASSLLI, if you're into semantics: https://www.cmu.edu/nasslli2018/
There are many more options outside of North America. The EGG, the summer school in Crete, the one in St. Petersburg, the one in the Himalayas, ESSLLI, to name a few off the top of my head. These all make an effort to keep costs down for students, but I don't know how federal aid would work. 

This post has some great advice and has been featuring on my facebook wall--posted by professors who I am friends with--more than once.

Okay, I'll voice the possibly less popular opinion. Your responsibility is to yourself. You don't have to stay with him and you are not responsible for getting him better or for educating him. You need to take care of yourself. If you do decide you want to try and stay, I think it's of utmost importance to get support from others. Can you involve his family? friends? do you have a support system around you to take care of you, if you need it? If he wasn't always like this, something must have triggered this, and maybe you can help him through it. Whatever it is, though, you shouldn't do it alone, and you shouldn't let him take it out on you. This sounds like a situation that requires professional help. I know that posting here was probably already hard enough, so maybe the next step is for you to find counseling on your own, maybe through your school, before you think about talking to him. Figure out your resources and support network, then come up with a plan to confront him. I hope that there is no fear of physical violence, but if there is, let me repeat again: your responsibility is to yourself first. Make sure that you are safe, and take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. If that means you need to leave him, I think that's totally understandable and no one from the outside can judge. And if you choose to stay and try and fix it, again I hope that no one will judge and that you can find the help you need. 

You have time for what is important enough for you to make time for. Exercise, family, friends, sleep, household chores, hobbies, to name a few that you might need to actively set aside time for, or else they may fall by the wayside. 
Why would there be a grad-student-specific answer to this one? There have to be a thousand websites and videos out there for your fitness level and level of engagement. That's what you need to worry about, as opposed to what random other people do. 

Some strategies that have helped people I know: (in addition to the above advice)
Keep a journal. Since you aren't good at estimating times, spend a few weeks actually accounting for what you did and how long it took you. Be honest, no one is watching. Don't forget to account for the time it took to get to and from places, the time you took off for chores, sleep etc, and time you set aside for non-work things (whether it's goofing off while at work or time you had actually planned to take off). Try and keep a tally of unexpected things you weren't planning for but had to do on the spot, and how much time they took away from your schedule. You might very well find that the actual things change, but there's always some time that goes toward unplanned chores each week.  Also see if you can identify patterns: on days when you got a lot of work done, what went well? On not-so-good days, what went wrong? Are there times of day when it's easier for you to write? read? do coursework? I definitely have preferences for what I do when.  Do this for several weeks, even if it gets tedious. Then analyze your results: how much time do you *actually* have for work per week? How long did that paper *actually* take you to write? How long did you *actually* spend on that problem set?  Break things down into small chunks that are easier to perform. It's also easier to estimate how long they will take.  Have detailed to-do lists, listing these small chunks. Again, this helps with planning.  It might also be gratifying to cross things off your to-do lists. Having small chunks makes it easier to keep track of your progress and not feel like you went whole days without accomplishing anything. Write down time-estimates for how long you think things will take. When you're done with the journaling above, compare your expectations with reality. It's not at all uncommon for even very organized people to suck at these time-estimates. What organized people tend to do better than disorganized people is be aware of how much they suck, and give themselves that extra cushion to take them from expectation to reality.  Use reminders if you need to. I assume you know how long it should take you to get from point A to point B. Plan a longer time period than you need to get there, and set reminders to help you leave on time. It should be a rule that when that timer goes off, you actually leave -- no taking care of one more email or spending just 5 more minutes doing whatever. If you can do it, I find that it's very helpful to have self-imposed early deadlines. If you have to be somewhere by 3pm, set your arrival deadline for 2:45. If you have a paper due on the 30th, have a final draft deadline by the 24th. Again, give yourself extra time so you're not always running around doing things last minute. These are habits that take time to form, but you can be very explicit about training your body and your mind to follow certain patterns. 

For heaven's sake, it means plainly and exactly what she said. She still thinks you plagiarized, and she is giving you another chance to prove otherwise. She does NOT think that the meeting you had resolved the matter. I don't understand how you could possibly not be getting it. Stop saying that she has decided that there was no plagiarism, because she is TELLING YOU, not even hinting, that she thinks that there is. 
Also, she is saying this is an assignment for her course, not for next summer. So that is yet another discrepancy between what you say and what the situation appears to actually be.
knp lays out some good questions; why don't we start with those. 

A lesson in pragmatics that I just taught in my freshman Intro to Linguistics class: questions like "do you know what time it is?", "can you open the window", "could you pass the salt?" are not (usually) information-seeking questions. If you answer "yes" and do nothing else, any reasonable person would consider you to be uncooperative. This is a request for you to take action! There are some background assumptions that all speakers in a conversation share -- for example, that the contributions we make to a conversation are relevant, and that they are truthful, and that they give just as much information as is needed, not more and not less. In most contexts, if someone asks if you can pass the salt, it's not just so they know whether or not you can do it. Unless the conversation is about your physical abilities (maybe you had a stroke and can't move your arm very well, for example, or maybe we're testing you ability to reach very far in the distance), in most contexts it's assumed that of course you are physically capable of passing the salt. We don't ask just to get a 'yes' answer. Instead: we ask an obvious question: of course you can reach the salt --> we are making the salt relevant to the conversation, and specifically making your ability to pass it relevant --> it's a request for actual action to be taken, of the kind that we just made salient --> so please pass the freaking salt! The exact same logic works here for your professor's request. He is not asking if you have a copy of your paper just to have that information and to do nothing with it. He is asking because he *wants you to send him a copy*! So a simple "yes" or "no" response isn't being cooperative in the conversation, it's exactly like answering "yes" when someone asks "could you pass me the salt?". And it'll be perceived in exactly that way by your professor, who I am sure is very confused about why you are being so difficult. 

Okay, I'll voice the possibly less popular opinion. Your responsibility is to yourself. You don't have to stay with him and you are not responsible for getting him better or for educating him. You need to take care of yourself. If you do decide you want to try and stay, I think it's of utmost importance to get support from others. Can you involve his family? friends? do you have a support system around you to take care of you, if you need it? If he wasn't always like this, something must have triggered this, and maybe you can help him through it. Whatever it is, though, you shouldn't do it alone, and you shouldn't let him take it out on you. This sounds like a situation that requires professional help. I know that posting here was probably already hard enough, so maybe the next step is for you to find counseling on your own, maybe through your school, before you think about talking to him. Figure out your resources and support network, then come up with a plan to confront him. I hope that there is no fear of physical violence, but if there is, let me repeat again: your responsibility is to yourself first. Make sure that you are safe, and take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. If that means you need to leave him, I think that's totally understandable and no one from the outside can judge. And if you choose to stay and try and fix it, again I hope that no one will judge and that you can find the help you need. 

A professional job does NOT entail you should give up on having any relationships, pets, children, friends, hobbies, or time off to just relax. You are thinking about this all wrong. Thinking about this as a professional job means you devote a certain part of the day (=the working hours) to your studies, and the rest of the time can be devoted to whatever else is happening in you life, including all those other things. It's really important to have something else in your life beside school, whatever that is. Otherwise, you'll burn out very quickly.  

I've heard this advice for book fields, and since I'm not in one this is all second hand, but my understanding is that the main concern has to do with publishing too much of your dissertation to be able to get a book contract. The "don't publish anything at all" version sounds a little paranoid. Sure, early on you might be immature as a researcher, and it is true that everything you have out there is out there forever, but by the time you're in your 4th and 5th year and ready to go on the job market, one would hope that you're sufficiently mature that you won't regret anything you've published. Or if so, I would have serious doubts about your dissertation. Are there other professors whose advice you might seek? Other graduate students in more advanced stages? It's a delicate matter because your advisor seems to have a strong opinion, but I wonder if there are ways of getting him on board (like maybe making sure to run everything by him for his approval before submitting). Either way, I tend to agree that if others on the job market are only hired if they have other publications, it would be advisable for you to seek some yourself, too. 

For what it's worth, one of my earliest projects in grad school went somewhat similarly. I was part of a lab doing a series of experiments for an NSF grant. My experiment worked, and was interesting. I came up with a theory to explain the facts that eventually turned into three papers and a number of presentations at leading conferences. Another group in the lab worked on another experiment that failed. They had nothing to do with my experiment or idea. I wrote the paper, I wrote the conference abstracts, I put together slides and did the presentations. But my PI wanted to have members of that group that worked on the other experiment as co-authors too. One of them did help with the analysis, but the other one did nothing at all, to the point where I had to do their work for them because they were unresponsive over a long period of time. At the time I was really upset that these people were given credit that I didn't think they deserved. It took me a long time to see that, in the end, it didn't matter. I was first author; I got good letters of support from my advisor that gave me credit for my part(s) in the project; I learned a lot and gained practical skills. They were 3rd and 4th on the paper and while it's on their CVs, it's hardly going to be what makes a difference in their careers. I also learned how to approach difficult conversations with my advisor, how to choose my collaborators carefully, and how to negotiate authorship clearly and early on. Overall, I choose to look at all the good that's come of that project and to forget how some decisions were made in ways I disagreed with. It's just not worth the emotional energy I was investing in it.
But yeah, I absolutely understand where you're coming from; but I am telling you as someone who's made it to the other side -- you have to choose your battles, and this one doesn't sound like it's worth the fight. And if you choose not to fight the fight, you absolutely have to let it go, or it will consume you. This is a growth and learning opportunity, so when you're up for it, take the time to dissect what happened and draw some conclusions about whether there was anything you could have done differently/better. 

Okay, so you're in pretty good shape to actually pursue this. I'd still start with either the ombudsperson or the office or research integrity. Those are both unbiased bodies that are unrelated to your department. You should know that lodging a complaint against your advisor with the research integrity officer that claims he's essentially appropriated your work and stealing your credit/sabotaging your career is a serious allegation, and one that could get him into trouble. Maybe that's what you want and maybe it's deserving, but you should know this is a very serious thing to do, and an investigation could be a lengthy process. A lot will also depend on whether or not he's tenured (less can be done if he is). 
It's hard to know what to say about talking to your advisor directly, because you might well imagine that this was not an accident, and you'd be alerting him to the fact that you're onto him and pursuing this. One thing you might try is pretend this is all a mistake and just write him an email saying something like "hey, I noticed my name is missing on your recent arxiv upload of our paper, do you know what happened?" or some such. See how he reacts. But again, I think deciding on a game plan with someone who is impartial and has some experience is important, hence my suggestion to speak with the ombudsperson. The Dean of Students would be an alternative venue at some universities, it depends a little on the particulars of your university, so you'd need to figure that out. It's a question of confidentiality and who knows who, because you need to remember that there is a lot of politics involved here, and you need to do this right.