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kelkyann

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  1. I've recently gone through a vaguely similar situation so I'll chime in. Last August I started grad school in the humanities (Master's degree) right out of undergrad, and by the end of the semester I was considering leaving. Unlike you, I was absolutely MISERABLE, so that ultimately made the decision a little easier. However, it still was a decision that took me over a month to make and it involved a lot of agonizing and a lot of soul-searching. I actually posted here about it, you can find my thread somewhere in this forum, though I don't think it will be very helpful. Anyway, now I'm currently finishing up this semester just to fulfill my teaching responsibilities, but otherwise I'm not enrolled in any actual coursework and will be leaving in May. I have several different reasons for choosing to leave, but one of them is the same as yours -- I don't want to go into academia. And like you, one thing stopping me was others' expectations of me. I've always been the very studious, "smart one" among my classmates in undergrad, the one who would "obviously" go to grad school and succeed. I did well in my first semester and my professors were impressed with me. My parents were proud of me. My friends were proud of me. Even my boyfriend's parents were proud of me. And plus, what's 2 years? People told me to "stick it out," "it'll be worth it," etc. Also, I had a really great TA position that was fully funded, and thinking about giving that up (or rather, thinking about what other people would think of me if I gave that up) scared me. I was also scared of having to explain the situation in any job interviews, of even FINDING a job, of regretting my decision and wishing I had just sucked it up like so many people I know. How did I decide? Ultimately I realized that I was just on the path of least resistance and wasn't thinking about what I wanted. I was in grad school because, well, why not? And that's not a very good reason to be in grad school. I would encourage you to 1) take a really close look at the costs/benefits to you if you were to finish the PhD, 2) do your best to forget others' expectations of you (easier said than done, I know), and 3) have a plan for the next step. Though I must admit that at some point, I just had to take the leap and...leave. I know there are a few differences in our experiences, but I really do hope this helps in some way!
  2. Thank you for the responses. I know I really should see how next semester goes, since I have been told before that it does take time to adjust. And while part of me really does want to adjust...to some extent I just sense that my heart is not in it. @rising_star: You make a good point. To a certain extent it's definitely apparent that I'm not ready to move away from home; I thought I would be, but I think the challenges of school combined with my lukewarm feelings toward this new city made me feel all the more isolated and distant from my support system. I know that at some point I'll have to make compromises but I'm starting to think that right now, my unhappiness may not be worth this particular compromise. However, we'll see how next semester goes. Next semester I will be taking a class outside the department that is still related to my interests, so hopefully that will go a long way toward improving things. But the feeling is still creeping up on me that I want to pursue a more "vocational" education, if you will...I just feel so out of place among all these people who love doing research and are passionate about their studies whereas I'm trudging along and feel completely burnt out. Thanks again for the input, it's very helpful!
  3. Hi everyone, I just recently finished my first semester of my MA in French. Earlier this semester I posted about experiencing depression, stress, loneliness, etc...basically the whole shebang. I started seeing a counselor and things did get better -- I got all my grades and I actually did very well, I made a few friends, and I felt slightly more adjusted. However, I am now seriously considering quitting my program, for various reasons. One is that I relocated 2000 miles for school, and while I wanted to embrace the new city and see a different part of the country...I am not a fan of where I live and I just feel lonely, despite the friends I have made. I feel out of place and quite honestly, it is extremely difficult living so far away from my family and friends. Additionally, my program isn't a great fit. There is only one professor in my department who specializes in what I study, so while I am able to take 1 class/semester that directly relates to my interests, the others, while interesting enough, are basically not what I came here to do. Plus, these "extra" classes require so much work and stress that they just overwhelm me and don't seem to be worth my time. I am also a TA and I have found that teaching is not something I enjoy and just adds to my stress levels. Everything is starting to seem like an enormous burden. And aside from all that, I'm also starting to feel doubts about whether school is even where I want to be. I started grad school immediately after undergrad and I'm starting to regret that decision. All my previous passion and enthusiasm for school -- and I'm one of those people who LOVED school and LOVED learning -- has disappeared. I enjoy about 20% of what I do, and the rest just seems to wreak havoc on my mental and emotional health. I don't want to ramble, so to summarize: I have experienced a SIGNIFICANT drop in overall happiness since starting school, for both personal and academic reasons. Admittedly this degree would help me achieve my ultimate goal (I want to be a translator), but I am beginning to feel that the unhappiness I am experiencing just isn't worth it. I feel as though there may be other avenues I can take to achieve my goals. I've looked into Translation programs which, while requiring more school, seem to be more directly related to what I want to do. I'm hoping that the passion I've lost for my education could perhaps be revitalized by studying something geared toward preparing me for what I want: a job in industry. I've realized that academia not where I want to be, and the mere idea of going back to school next semester creates a knot in my stomach and makes me feel anxious and sad. This just doesn't seem right. I talked to my adviser (who is also the professor who specializes in my subject of interest) earlier this semester, but this was before I was seriously considering leaving the program. She suggested a few ways to better tailor the program to fit my interests, so I'm going to see how this upcoming semester goes, but like I said, I'm now starting to feel that the world of academia isn't going to satisfy me -- and worse, will continue making me unhappy. So I guess my question is...are these valid reasons? Has anyone experienced anything like this or know of other people who also left their program? My doubts mostly stem from the fact that my experience looks so good on paper -- I'm funded, with a relatively easy TA job (so they say), and the degree would help me in the future -- but I hate living 2000 miles away from everyone I am close to and I don't know if this unhappiness is worth it. I'm afraid that living far away is influencing my decision and preventing me from being rational, but at the same time, I don't want to compromise my happiness for a couple extra letters after my name. I "only" have 1.5 years left but at the same time, 1.5 years of extreme dissatisfaction seems a long time. Any outside perspective is MUCH appreciated, and thank you.
  4. I just relocated in August from California to Georgia for my MA. By doing so I moved away from all my family and friends as well as my boyfriend, which was definitely the toughest part. I agree with dbowe4415 -- it's REALLY important to maintain your support system from home. I've found it a tremendous help in my transition. Like others have said, relocating is without a doubt very difficult. My advice: be kind to yourself and, if you're ever feeling down, remind yourself that things will improve. Sometimes it seems like things won't but you WILL make friends and you WILL adjust. And maybe this is just one of my own particularities, but I would also advise you to not place any "deadlines" on yourself, for example don't expect to have fully settled after 1 month, 2 months, 1 semester, etc. Just let things unfold. In fact, I am just finishing up my first semester and don't think I've fully transitioned, but I feel significantly less out of place than I did 4 months ago! It seems like you recognize the UChicago is the best fit for you, so assuming you do relocate, don't forget that. I've found the first semester of grad school trying not just because of the high academic standards, the plight of unstructured time, teaching for the first time etc. but also because I moved 2000 miles from home. Often I questioned why I moved so far and what I was even doing in this city. At these moments it's good to remind yourself that you moved there for a GOOD reason. I also encourage you to make your new place a home -- sometimes I tend to see my time in GA as only temporary, which is fine, but it has on occasion stopped me from buying a nice rug for my apartment or making my place feel like "home," things that would make me feel significantly happier. Sorry for rambling, but this post really resonates with me since I'm wrapping up my first semester and, quite honestly, one of the most difficult times of my life. All in all, expect things to get difficult sometimes but just don't forget the big picture. Best of luck!
  5. Like everyone has said, it's a matter of scheduling it in. That way you make it a priority. I personally never used to exercise but when I came back from studying abroad in France a couple years ago, 20 pounds heavier, I started hitting the gym. At this point, though, I just love feeling healthy and pushing myself to be stronger, run further, etc. Exercise for me is ALSO now a huge stress reliever, with the added bonus of making me feel productive even though I'm not doing schoolwork. I also like to set goals...I'm working on training for a half marathon, and to think that a few months ago I could barely run 30 minutes!
  6. I can't actually offer any advice, but like you, I just got back some (student) evaluations and was upset for a while. Nobody was mean or anything, but I always have difficult accepting criticism and it's apparently even more difficult for me when that criticism doesn't come from an authority figure. I teach a once a week conversation class, and while the class is very low-key (P/F, no exams or homework), I've found that it's really hard to get students to participate, so I end up either talking at them or leading activities that are, apparently, quite boring. So I completely understand. The only advice I can offer is to just be kind to yourself. You are a new TA and you're what, 2 or 3 months into this? It's just the beginning. (These are all things I try to tell myself). The thing I've found with teaching is that, while it's unfortunate that an entire group of students is on the receiving end of my struggle to become a good teacher...well, it's inevitable. At least you're trying to improve your class, and that's definitely something students can appreciate. In fact I'm planning on taking 10-15 minutes out of my next class to talk with them about some changes I'm planning on making for the class. Just make sure you actually take the professor's suggestions -- I'm sure he is only trying to help. And don't be too hard on yourself! (Once again, I try to remind myself about that...)
  7. I LOVE Pilot G2 gel pens (I prefer extra fine, but they also have ultra fine, fine, and bold point). I usually just buy boxes of them at a time.
  8. I don't find my classes much more difficult content-wise, but I have been struggling with the different expectations. Meaning, I'm not really used to doing so much independent work with so few guidelines. Lots of self-initiative required, which I always had, but now it's actually necessary and sometimes actually tough to deal with. Fortunately though, two of my classes are cross-listed with undergrads so it has served as a nice transition. But we'll see how next semester goes!
  9. Ugh, just realized how much I have to do this month. It's relentless! The stress is mounting, I can feel it, and I don't like it one bit.
  10. Oh I feel you ktel...it's a $400-500, 5-6 hour flight for me Maybe next semester you could just plan one extra visit home!
  11. See, that's what I do in theory, but I have such a warped sense of when I am allowed to have fun. I definitely rigidly schedule my school work, but it ends up lasting the entire day. It's like I can't accept the notion of having fun! Or I can, but only on the weekends and only for a little bit, before I go back to work. In fact, I've signed up to volunteer all day Sunday, but even though I know I'll enjoy it I'm having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I won't be able to do work all day. Needless to say, I'm trying to work through this with my counselor... And I think the homesickness gets better. Is there any way you can visit home, ktel? I'm visiting for a few days in 3.5 weeks, so I think that's been giving me something to look forward to. I'm just trying to get through what feels like a bajillion assignments before that can happen.
  12. Well, currently I am in two MA-level classes (6000 level) that are actually cross-listed with undergrads (for them, it's 4000-level). I've definitely noticed a difference...nothing drastic, but there is a difference. So now I'm wondering if that same kind of difference in dynamic applies for the MA/PhD divide. Have you experienced this? I plan on talking to my grad coordinator at some point, but just wondering what you've seen.
  13. The Spring 2012 schedule has been posted at my school, so of course I have been busy planning my schedule for next semester I am a first-year Masters student in the humanities. I know this is something that varies by school and by department, but what kinds of differences are there between Masters and PhD-level courses? I'll be taking one PhD-level course because the ONE professor who specializes in what I am studying will be teaching it. However, for my other classes I have a few choices and am wondering if I should tackle these higher-level courses or avoid them altogether in an effort to "ease into" grad school. I guess I am just looking for differences in workload, expectations, etc. Things like that. Thank you!
  14. What do you guys do to handle stress? Here is my situation: when I started, I was absolutely OVERWHELMED with coursework. It seemed like grad school was just filled with nonstop assignments, nonstop reading. However, lately I've been feeling much less stressed about school -- my guess is that it's a combination of getting used to things, figuring out a list-making system that works for me (I live off lists), and, after my breakdown earlier this week, telling myself to take it a little easy and relax. However, sometimes grad school's notorious "reputation" for being a time-sucking entity, along with threads on this very forum, make me feel like I'm not doing enough work. Why am I so relaxed? I have research projects due at the end of the semester, too -- why am I stuck in that undergraduate mentality that my professors will kindly let me know when I should start working on them? Why aren't I looked up research articles and reading them right now? And then suddenly the lists I've made to help me organize my work for the upcoming week seem really inadequate. Granted, I'm the kind of person to put a lot of undue pressure on myself, so I'm trying to tell myself that's what's happening here. And two of my three classes are actually cross-listed with undergraduates. And maybe this forum attracts a certain kind of student. I don't know...just wanted your thoughts on this...I might slowly be driving myself crazy!
  15. You're in Berkeley?! That's where I did my undergrad! I had my first experience with counseling today, although it was just an intake appointment so not much happened. What's interesting though is that just even having taken this step makes me feel much more productive, like I'm doing something with myself. It seems so obvious now, but when you're in a funk it's kind of hard to see any rationality. Hopefully this good mood lasts, at least for a while. @runonsentence: That's exactly what I'm petrified of...reading the results. All I can say is, the last month has made me respect every single teacher I've ever had 10 times more.
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