Friends and handling jealousy

[LittleDarlings]

Hi! So I am about 9 weeks into my Masters program, I absolutely love it. I think I am learning a lot about the field and myself, I didn't expect to do so much self reflection and learn so much about myself, it is almost scary.  Anyways one of my biggest concerns going into the program was my jealousy issues, and making friends.  I have made a few friends in my classes, people that I could actually see myself keeping in contact with post-graduation.  So here is the issue, everyone on this site I'm sure knows my extreme, strong, desperate (at times) desire to get married as quickly as possible and have a family.  So obviously everyone in my program is at different points in their lives.  A girl in my class is a little younger than me (22) and just got married.  She is a very quiet nice person and I have talked to her quite a bit because of class stuff and she always talks about her husband (understandable).  Anyway, I can't help but like.. I don't dislike her but I am not necessarily motivated to talk to her or really get to know her, which is awful because she is nice.  I just want to not feel like that about her, because in the end it only affects me, and it is only going to hinder me and my life progress. I talked to my therapist a little about it and she said that I should start trying to put myself in those uncomfortable positions because in my field there will be married people, there will be happy married people who got married at 18 and at 23 years old are happy, in love and have families and I can't ignore them, or hate them for having it.  I know I need to get over this. I don't really know how.  The easy answer would be for me to just go out and date as much as possible and find someone to get me pregnant ASAP and pray they want to marry me, or find someone who wants to rush as much as I do (I did that actually and he treats me kind of bad, but still holds marriage and babies over my head so I still try).  How much of an uncomfortable position do I have to put myself in? I just want to get over this feeling.  Obviously therapy is great but I only go once a month since my move and I don't know how helpful that actually is.  So any advice for me, how to like not internalize I guess? ANY advice would be great. 

[fuzzylogician]

The easy answer would be for me to just go out and date as much as possible and find someone to get me pregnant ASAP and pray they want to marry me, or find someone who wants to rush as much as I do (I did that actually and he treats me kind of bad, but still holds marriage and babies over my head so I still try).  

 

Don't even get me started on how not 'easy' this solution is. I think you know yourself it's not an easy solution. 

 

To answer your original question, I think your therapist has it right. Hang out with happily married/dating people and try to have fun with them in the moment. I think it's normal to sometimes want what someone else has, but you also need to learn to move past it. Unless we are talking about someone who constantly only talks about their SO, conversations will revolve around lots of things, including loved ones, and that's just a normal part of life. You have to get used to talking with people about their lives, if you want to have any friends at all. So, just get started, and soon enough you'll get used to it and it won't be a problem anymore. It might help to just stay in the moment and not constantly compare yourself to the person you're talking to. You're different people with different backgrounds so it doesn't make sense to expect that you'll be in the exact same place in life in every respect, and the fact that someone is married is just not relevant to the situation where you're just hanging out with them and having fun. You need to learn to not think about it all the time. 

[geographyrocks]

I'm not a psychologist, but I am certifiably crazy (ask my therapist!) so my question to you is this:  What exactly are you hoping to fix by getting married and having children? 

You seem at least marginally self-aware so you should know that this:

The easy answer would be for me to just go out and date as much as possible and find someone to get me pregnant ASAP and pray they want to marry me, or find someone who wants to rush as much as I do (I did that actually and he treats me kind of bad, but still holds marriage and babies over my head so I still try). 

is an EXTREMELY unhealthy thought.  That right there is liable to get you into a mess of a situation that would be more harmful than it would be fulfilling. 

I think the problem that you have with being around happy couples is just a symptom of a bigger problem.  You really need therapy more than once a month.  Talk with the counseling center.  They are normally willing to bend any rules they have for people that show true need.  And I think you really need more intense therapy to become comfortable with whatever it was in your life that hurt you so bad that you think only a husband and child can fill it. 

This is obviously all just my opinion, but if you are serious about getting your mental state healthy again, you might want to think about these things.   

[AKCarlton]

Please, please don't think that in today's world that "dating around" (or more specifically - sleeping around) and getting yourself pregnant will equal a happy marriage. More than likely, the guy will not be sticking around. It could without doubt lead to more serious issues, like him claiming to not be the father, since you seem so intent on sleeping and dating around as much as possible.

 

You really need to reevaluate your current goals and learn to just go with the flow. You'll come across as much more attractive when you have your life together and you're happy with where you're at...at least that's my opinion.

 

Guys don't find desperation attractive. They don't want to be expected to get married and pregnant on the first date. 

 

That journey is part of the fun. Enjoy it and don't rush it.   

 

Also, I think you should leave your current boy toy if he isn't treating you right. You don't want to settle for less. You don't want your children to be treated badly and you shouldn't raise your future kids in an environment where they think it's alright for the guy to treat their mom poorly.

Edited October 21, 2014 by AKCarlton

[GeoDUDE!]

I think there have been plenty of chances for people to lecture LD over why she wants to get married ect... and at this point i think its extremely immature to continue to lecture her. People's voices have been heard. 

 

The core of her question is an ernest one: how to be friends with someone you are jealous with. I think we should be focusing on answering that one. 

[LittleDarlings]

Please, please don't think that in today's world that "dating around" (or more specifically - sleeping around) and getting yourself pregnant will equal a happy marriage. More than likely, the guy will not be sticking around. It could without doubt lead to more serious issues, like him claiming to not be the father, since you seem so intent on sleeping and dating around as much as possible.

You really need to reevaluate your current goals and learn to just go with the flow. You'll come across as much more attractive when you have your life together and you're happy with where you're at...at least that's my opinion.

Guys don't find desperation attractive. They don't want to be expected to get married and pregnant on the first date.

That journey is part of the fun. Enjoy it and don't rush it.

Also, I think you should leave your current boy toy if he isn't treating you right. You don't want to settle for less. You don't want your children to be treated badly and you shouldn't raise your future kids in an environment where they think it's alright for the guy to treat their mom poorly.

Thanks, I don't want you to think I sleep around. I don't. I go on dates a lot (not recently because of school and time issues). I know right now would be bad timing for a child and I don't want to bring a kid into that type of situation, I don't want to be in that type of situation either. I have points when I am rational and I know that I am accomplishing so much and having a baby would be so hard now, especially alone. Other times when my news feed is baby pics and engagement rings and weddings I'm like sitting in my apartment calming myself down because my mind starts racing, my face gets hot, I just get angry.

As far as why there are a lot of contributing factors to it. I have personal issues, i have mentioned in the past on here I think. Just major self esteems issues I guess. It's the ultimate validation (IMO) to have someone want to marry you and have babies with you. That's like the most "I'm a worthy person, I have purpose, I'm important, I'm pretty, I'm awesome" thing that could happen. I feel like people who are in relationships and married and have families are better or on a higher level than people who aren't (not being offensive, just saying how I see it). I have a hard time not being on that level and it's not something I can just change or force you know?

I just know I have to change I can't be like this for forever because it's just getting worse and I feel worse and the lows are lower than they used to be. I also just want to be an awesome social worker and not resent my clients or anything

Edited October 21, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[nugget]

I don't get jealous often. In a situation like this, if I thought as you do about marriage and family, I'd think that someone else's marital status has no bearing on my own. There are enough men to go around, there is no shortage. They did not take the last single men around that could have gone to you. So if someone else is married and has a family, II'd be happy for them. Their marital status doesn't mean that yours is doomed. I'd think that my unhappiness (if I was in your shoes and unhappy) does not mean everyone else should be unhappy too. Ideally, we would all be happy and get what we want in life. For some people it just takes a bit longer to get some things they want in life.

[ProfLorax]

I think GeoDUDE's constructive redirection is really helpful. Thanks, dude! 

 

As for the question, how to overcome jealousy, that's a tricky thing. I'm trying to think of specific strategies to help you find joy in other's joy and to also not compare yourself with others, but I think these issues are actually rooted in a larger need to learn to love yourself and feel comfortable at exactly where you are at this moment. We don't feel as big of a need to compare ourselves and our lives with others if we are happy where we are. You could do small things like listing all the things you like about your life as it is right now on a daily or weekly basis. Write positive notes to yourself with a dry erase marker on your bathroom mirror before you go to bed, so those notes are among the first things you see when you wake up. Establish a non-romantic, non-school related goal for yourself. When I was training for a half marathon, I felt such pride in my body and determination--especially because I am so not an athlete! 

 

I do want to reiterate the value of going to therapy more frequently. The fact that the jealousy affects you on such a physical level is a warning sign that these feelings aren't just burdensome but potentially self-destructive. It would be great to work on falling in love with yourself, but there is also a more immediate need to learn coping skills for these triggers. 

[ERR_Alpha]

Hi! So I am about 9 weeks into my Masters program, I absolutely love it. I think I am learning a lot about the field and myself, I didn't expect to do so much self reflection and learn so much about myself, it is almost scary. Anyways one of my biggest concerns going into the program was my jealousy issues, and making friends. I have made a few friends in my classes, people that I could actually see myself keeping in contact with post-graduation. So here is the issue, everyone on this site I'm sure knows my extreme, strong, desperate (at times) desire to get married as quickly as possible and have a family. So obviously everyone in my program is at different points in their lives. A girl in my class is a little younger than me (22) and just got married. She is a very quiet nice person and I have talked to her quite a bit because of class stuff and she always talks about her husband (understandable). Anyway, I can't help but like.. I don't dislike her but I am not necessarily motivated to talk to her or really get to know her, which is awful because she is nice. I just want to not feel like that about her, because in the end it only affects me, and it is only going to hinder me and my life progress. I talked to my therapist a little about it and she said that I should start trying to put myself in those uncomfortable positions because in my field there will be married people, there will be happy married people who got married at 18 and at 23 years old are happy, in love and have families and I can't ignore them, or hate them for having it. I know I need to get over this. I don't really know how. The easy answer would be for me to just go out and date as much as possible and find someone to get me pregnant ASAP and pray they want to marry me, or find someone who wants to rush as much as I do (I did that actually and he treats me kind of bad, but still holds marriage and babies over my head so I still try). How much of an uncomfortable position do I have to put myself in? I just want to get over this feeling. Obviously therapy is great but I only go once a month since my move and I don't know how helpful that actually is. So any advice for me, how to like not internalize I guess? ANY advice would be great.

I almost have the opposite problem where I see someone so young getting married and I instantly think less of them. (Thank my dad for this) What I've learned so far in grad school is that everyone is in a different stage of life and everyone makes their own choices. I've learned to almost forget about their situations- if I liked you before I knew you were married, I should still like you now. I've also learned that some (healthy) venting is good to get all of those bad thoughts you know you shouldn't be having. Your therapist sounds like a good person to let you sound off and then bring you back to reality. I have a friend from home who I do the same with. (Can you believe Sally got engaged?? WTF they haven't even been dating that long, etc - which usually leads to "well, it's her life/ as long as she's happy")

[maelia8]

@LittleDarlings I think I understand a bit what you mean, on a smaller scale - in my program there are 20 people in my cohort, and of those, all but 6 (including myself) are in committed long term relationships (2+ years) or married (some of them younger than me), and I've definitely felt a bit odd hanging out with them because it reminds me that there's a certain divergence in our experiences.

 

I don't get jealous in the way that you describe, but I've definitely gotten antsy hearing them talk for long periods of time about their significant others because it's something I just can't really relate to. But every time I feel that prick of annoyance, I remind myself that it doesn't mean they are more mature or "ahead of me" on the path of achievement in any way, and that I don't have to compare myself to them. I'm pretty happy with my way of life as it is, and I'm not looking to settle down any time soon. Just keep in mind, even if you do want those things that they have, that you don't have to use them as a yardstick to measure yourself against, because the only yardstick you should be worrying about is yourself One thing that helps me is to compare myself now to myself a short while back, and it really helps to see how much I've matured and grown emotionally, and how many amazing goals I've achieved. Although it might seem right now that you're "behind" the others, you might just be on an alternate path that will lead you to even better things.

[lyonessrampant]

I'm working with first-year students in our program as a mentor (somehow I've become an advanced graduate student) and we've talked about jealousy and competition, not in the same way as the OP, but at the core, jealousy is an affective reaction that feels pretty similar whatever the cause (or ostensible external cause).  My advice to them was to try to focus on your own progress and success and happiness rather than to compare yourself to others.  Easier said than done, right?  Here's a couple of the more practical things I mentioned: when you learn that somebody got something you applied for or wanted or is experiencing something you want, if your immediate reaction is strongly negative, it is best to absent yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally) from that space for awhile.  Go for a walk, go to a movie, hang out with friends who have nothing to do with the academy or (in your case) may not be married or in a committed relationship but who are also happy being single.  Take some time to balance yourself out and then think about the things you like about that other person, reminding yourself of the reasons why you like that person and want to be around them.  Then the next time you are around them, you can congratulate them on what they have (or not) but not focus on that.  When you start to feel hostile, think again of those reasons why you like them so as to contain or manage that hostility, which is probably a lot more self-directed than it is other-directed anyway.  Of course, if you don't like the other person to begin with, this won't help, but since you want to like/do like some of these people you mentioned, perhaps this will help a bit.

I also strongly second the advice to try to go to therapy more often, too.  Look into the options available at the medical facility on your campus.  You may well find that there are mental health services available to you for free because of your status as student.  

[juilletmercredi]

The best advice I have gotten for overcoming jealousy at other's accomplishments is "don't compare your insides to their outsides."  LD, you only see a person's outside presentation of their relationship or other accomplishments, and people have a vested interest in making themselves appear happy and well-adjusted. What you don't see are the problems that are inside other people - the stress that may come from maintaining a marriage in graduate school, the financial arguments that come with lower income in younger marriages, the potential jealousy of your freedom to make choices as you please without considering another person. 

 

So you compare the visible positives to your more balanced appraisal of yourself (because you know your own deepest insecurities and problems in addition to your good points), and find yourself coming up short.  If you have depression and anxiety as treated by a therapist, that can compound the problem, since depressed and/or anxious people have lower appraisals of themselves and tend to downplay their positives.

 

You have to remind yourself that every position has good points and bad points.  What might be helpful is making a list (an actual written list) of the things that are great about being single/unmarried, right now.  If you need help, you can search the Internet and there are plenty online.  Then if you find your anxiety rising when you hear others comment about the SO, quickly remind yourself of why it's awesome that you're single.  (I did an exercise like this in a different context - I felt like peers were more scientifically productive than I was, so I made a list of reasons why I am professionally awesome, and remind myself of them if I feel inadequate.  It helps!)

 

Also make sure that you make some single friends, too - and some single friends who enjoy being single and aren't always looking for a potential SO at every social opportunity.  You need some strong social support from friends who are going to help you to focus on yourself and having a good time rather than looking for a partner, and potentially making decisions that will hurt you.

[seeingeyeduck]

First off, I don't think we can ever get away from the occasional pang of jealousy. Sometimes someone does win an award or get accepted to something you really wanted and there is that thought of, "gee it would've been wonderful if I could've gotten that too!" I think that part is normal. But if you really can't get over it and it starts to be something that actually affects your relationships and friendships with them, then that is maladaptive.

I'd suggest upping the therapy too. You seem to realize that it's your own insecurity that is the issue but I don't think you really understand why a husband symbolizes what it does. What is it about that kind of romantic relationship that symbolizes whole ess or accomplishment for you? Why a husband and not, say, becoming an astronaut? You probably want to figure that part out. It's not the husband that you want, it's whatever he symbolizes. And as soon as you know what that is, you can start focusing on achieving that more directly instead.

Others have given good advice but I'd add that when you feel jealous, try to reorient your thinking from what they have to how you should achieve what you want. Personally I don't think there are any tricks that will suddenly make you comfortable around your cohorts, just the mental work of convincing yourself that them having what they have doesn't prevent you from having it. I get the sense that you get uncomfortable because you feel inferior as soon as you realize they have something you don't. But the thing is, your human worth isn't tied to status. You can be a decent person and not be married or have a degree or any of that. You can also be married and rich and educated and be a total jerk. The objective statuses really don't necessarily say a lot about a person and I think you'll have an easier time getting over the toxic jealousy once you recognize that not all other people judge you on the basis of educational or relationship status either.

[nugget]

Jealous is a funny thing... you might be jealous of other people, but did you ever consider that other people could be jealous of you?! And most likely for very different reasons. Based on things you've said in the past, you are cute, attractive, have a great scholarship, have your own car and apartment, got into grad school, and have a lot of freedom and some spare time because you don't have a family to raise.

 

There could be people in your cohort who are jealous of you for any or all of those reasons.

 

Being single and attached both come with their own set of advantages and disadvantages. Nothing is completely black or white. Try to discover and enjoy the perks of singlehood now because they won't last forever. When you finally find that special person you will be ready to let go of that phase of life and embrace the perks and challenges of being married and raising a family.  

Edited November 1, 2014 by jenste

[danieleWrites]

First, I think that it's okay for you to feel envy. Why not? When people have things we want, but don't have, it's natural to feel some envy. The trick is to feel it and let it go without the envy obstructing your life.

 

I've found that it's about rewriting the script for the voice in my head that runs all day long. You know, the one that repeats things like she's married and I'm not and she's nice but I can't stand to be around her and I'm blah blah blah. We all have that voice. Take over. Instead of letting your thoughts dwell on your jealousy or envy or negative thinking; deliberately think positive things. She's a really nice person and I'm happy for her. She's someone that could be a great friend and I'm someone that can be a great friend, because I am happy for people who have things going well in their lives and I like to celebrate the positive things that happen in people's lives and in my life. Having her as a friend would be a positive thing to celebrate in my life.

 

Negative emotions only hang around when you focus on the issues that cause these emotions. Dwell on the positives about yourself and about the people you feel jealousy toward. Say it out loud, write it out, whatever. If you turn your thoughts into positive things that uplift you emotionally and help you connect with others, even when the very natural negative thoughts or emotions drop by for a visit, you'll be happier over all, which will help you be a better friend.

[LittleDarlings]

I am having a super hard time with this, lately I have tried to like talk to her more.. well not really talk to her but like if she is at my table and someone else brings up something and she talks about her husband I try not to like... pull out my phone lol.  I try to listen and to check my feelings.  I still am having a hard time with it, even the people in my class I consider my friends who I really enjoy hanging out with are starting to talk about the new people they are dating, or their relationships.  I hate to be one of those "one uppers" lol because I have the tendency to do that, I try to say like top it.  I am getting better with that too I think.  I just can't focus, like I don't know what to say without feeling stupid.  I feel like it just shows through me, like I try to laugh it off or make jokes.  I mean how do I have these conversations, it is so embarrassing to me.  What about when people ask about my past relationships? Like it is just embarrassing to talk about all of it.  I need to just get into a relationship and this whole thing would be solved in all honesty.  

 

I am really trying though with this whole thing.  I really want to just get over it, so I am trying to sit through the stories and be supportive and if they ask for advice, I actually try to give decent advice because I know eventually that is going to be my job you know?

Edited November 6, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[bhr]

Jealousy is something I deal with pretty much constantly. I'm older, fatter, and less qualified than the other members of my cohort, so it's easy to be envious when one of the shining stars gets a step ahead of me. What I have had to do is force myself to be happy for them, as much as possible, while asking about how they accomplished whatever it was so that I can learn from it;

 

For the more personal stuff, I think it's probably worth seeing someone professionally. If you are so anxious about some of that stuff, it may be worth talking to someone in a safer space. As to the past relationship stuff, I think most people are pretty respectful if you just tell them that you would prefer not to talk about it. I'm surprised that there is that much social pressure to talk about personal lives, to be honest. The only members of my program who really talk about that stuff are parents with kids. The only reason I even know who is dating is from a few outside social gatherings or Facebook (or in one case it's two people in the program. We're two months+ in and I just learned that one of my officemates is married.

[GCool]

I need to just get into a relationship and this whole thing would be solved in all honesty.  

 

That's not a good way to think about relationships at all. Imagine if the guy who eventually took a chance on dating you realized you were fishing for a relationship just to overcome your jealousy issues; do you think he'd stick around even if your ass was really nice?

 

In all seriousness, though, in order for a relationship to be fulfilling at all, getting into one at any cost has to be the farthest thing from your mind. The best ones just sort of "happen". It's not as much about labelling something as a relationship as it is enjoying your time with your SO. If you make it about labels and petty crap, the other person is more than likely going to sense it.

 

All due respect here, but is there anything else you think about or take pride in as a person? You surely can't be dwelling on this stuff all the time. That would suck the life out of me. If it were me, and my cohort wouldn't shut the fuck up about her new husband, I'd try to learn more about her other hobbies (before she was married, obviously, lol) and talk to her about them. If she notices you deflecting every time she brings up her husband, she may be smart enough to lay off the gushing when you're around.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I am having a super hard time with this, lately I have tried to like talk to her more.. well not really talk to her but like if she is at my table and someone else brings up something and she talks about her husband I try not to like... pull out my phone lol.  I try to listen and to check my feelings. 

Initiate a conversation with this girl. Instead of only being the person who passively listens to what others talk about, try setting the topic of conversation. You are both interested in social work, you're both at the same university in the same program...there has to be some overlap in your interests, personalities & life experiences. Find out more about her - ask questions and be interested in her answers. Invite her for coffee between classes.

 

The things you said make it sound like some social interactions in general are challenging for you. Not knowing what to say in conversations with strangers, trying to "better" other people's experiences, thinking that colleagues will judge you for being single. If getting to your therapist is an issue, perhaps consider taking part in improvisation/drama classes. Hell, I find it difficult to cope with a large group of noisy friends all at once, even when I like the folk - but in that case I just skip the crowded bar nights and hang out with smaller groups of my friends in a more sedate setting. You don't have to interact with a friends in a way that doesn't work for you.

 

What everybody wants to believe (and trust me, I mean everybody) is that there is some clearly-defined goal that they just need to reach...and BAM! They will be happy forever afterwards after they hit it. Because people want to be happy, and they want to believe that there is some magic way to just "become" (and then stay) happy. In your case you believe that getting in to a relationship will make you happy. For other people it's a new job, their PhD, a nicer house, losing 10 lbs. I've spent this whole semester adamant that buying a car is what I really need to do. 

 

Happiness doesn't work like that. You can't 'unlock a happiness badge' upon completion of any life milestone, nor can you guarantee 20 years of happiness through fulfilling a set of pre-requisites, as it were. Happiness is something that you work upon as and of itself, and it is something that comes & goes (sometimes you can control that a bit, other times you can't). 

[LittleDarlings]

Initiate a conversation with this girl. Instead of only being the person who passively listens to what others talk about, try setting the topic of conversation. You are both interested in social work, you're both at the same university in the same program...there has to be some overlap in your interests, personalities & life experiences. Find out more about her - ask questions and be interested in her answers. Invite her for coffee between classes.

 

The things you said make it sound like some social interactions in general are challenging for you. Not knowing what to say in conversations with strangers, trying to "better" other people's experiences, thinking that colleagues will judge you for being single. If getting to your therapist is an issue, perhaps consider taking part in improvisation/drama classes. Hell, I find it difficult to cope with a large group of noisy friends all at once, even when I like the folk - but in that case I just skip the crowded bar nights and hang out with smaller groups of my friends in a more sedate setting. You don't have to interact with a friends in a way that doesn't work for you.

 

What everybody wants to believe (and trust me, I mean everybody) is that there is some clearly-defined goal that they just need to reach...and BAM! They will be happy forever afterwards after they hit it. Because people want to be happy, and they want to believe that there is some magic way to just "become" (and then stay) happy. In your case you believe that getting in to a relationship will make you happy. For other people it's a new job, their PhD, a nicer house, losing 10 lbs. I've spent this whole semester adamant that buying a car is what I really need to do. 

 

Happiness doesn't work like that. You can't 'unlock a happiness badge' upon completion of any life milestone, nor can you guarantee 20 years of happiness through fulfilling a set of pre-requisites, as it were. Happiness is something that you work upon as and of itself, and it is something that comes & goes (sometimes you can control that a bit, other times you can't). 

This part is kind of confusing to me... I know for 100% fact that a relationship will make me happy.  I just know it. That is really the only thing that is missing in my life at this point.  I have everything else together, I mean for the most part. I don't have a job yet but that is why I'm in school.  I just feel like post graduation I will have it all but if I don't have a relationship I will not have anything.  Does that make sense?

 

Anyways I went to lunch with this girl recently and got to know more about her... Is it possible to just not like people because you just don't like them much? I mean I don't think I dislike her necessarily but I just can tell that she isn't someone I would try to be friends with outside of school.  I think that I can manage while in school but we have no real common interests.  My views about life and what life should be are totally different than her's.  I can get along with her and be civil but yeah.  I think I can manage being friends with other married people I guess... they aren't my first pick in friends or anything but if I have to be in contact with them I guess I can.

[GCool]

I just feel like post graduation I will have it all but if I don't have a relationship I will not have anything.  Does that make sense?

 

In short, not at all. If acquiring a graduate degree isn't life-or-death for you and getting a boyfriend is, you really have to flip the switch and think introspectively. There are so many other people out there trying to get to where you are education-wise (myself included, albeit not in the same field), yet you're sitting there worried about having children and tying down a guy? For the lack of better words, that's incredibly fucking warped.

 

You might think you have everything else together in your life because you have literally nothing else going on besides school. Part of you may be bored with the academic routine, and that's a good sign. You're handling work and limiting stress. The obsession with being with someone, though, isn't going to make you any more appealing to the opposite sex. Like I said before, stuff like this just happens. Yes, it requires effort from both parties initially to make those sparks fly; but you don't go somewhere fishing for mutual intent to date. You just have to put yourself out there and be yourself! It's both the hardest and easiest thing to do. Subsequent dates should get easier if a person's right for you. Yadda yadda yadda, dating's pretty easy.

 

So let me ask you this (although I probably know the 2-3 ways this answer back could go): How sure are you that you'll stay happy for more than a few weeks with a boyfriend? After a few dates, who's to say you won't be back on here, saying "well I'm about 16 weeks into my Masters program ... my boyfriend won't leave me alone" or "my boyfriend isn't spending enough time with me" or "we can never go out because I'm busy doing work and my boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends"? Desperately seeking something in spite of everything else going well around you is a sign of depression deep down. If you can't be content with all you've worked for and what you're working towards, it seems like you haven't done much of anything to truly rectify your situation.

 

What I mean is, if a relationship is all you want, why are you letting grad school get in the way? Think about it, understand the frivolity of this, and move on. If you're not engaging me because I'm on point, fine; but if people are posting advice, you should either take it or explain why you won't at least try.

[dstock]

Anyways I went to lunch with this girl recently and got to know more about her... Is it possible to just not like people because you just don't like them much? I mean I don't think I dislike her necessarily but I just can tell that she isn't someone I would try to be friends with outside of school.  I think that I can manage while in school but we have no real common interests.  My views about life and what life should be are totally different than her's.  I can get along with her and be civil but yeah.  I think I can manage being friends with other married people I guess... they aren't my first pick in friends or anything but if I have to be in contact with them I guess I can.

 

It's enough to just be friendly to her at school- there's no need to force a relationship outside of school with someone you don't mesh with.  

[LittleDarlings]

In short, not at all. If acquiring a graduate degree isn't life-or-death for you and getting a boyfriend is, you really have to flip the switch and think introspectively. There are so many other people out there trying to get to where you are education-wise (myself included, albeit not in the same field), yet you're sitting there worried about having children and tying down a guy? For the lack of better words, that's incredibly fucking warped.

 

You might think you have everything else together in your life because you have literally nothing else going on besides school. Part of you may be bored with the academic routine, and that's a good sign. You're handling work and limiting stress. The obsession with being with someone, though, isn't going to make you any more appealing to the opposite sex. Like I said before, stuff like this just happens. Yes, it requires effort from both parties initially to make those sparks fly; but you don't go somewhere fishing for mutual intent to date. You just have to put yourself out there and be yourself! It's both the hardest and easiest thing to do. Subsequent dates should get easier if a person's right for you. Yadda yadda yadda, dating's pretty easy.

 

So let me ask you this (although I probably know the 2-3 ways this answer back could go): How sure are you that you'll stay happy for more than a few weeks with a boyfriend? After a few dates, who's to say you won't be back on here, saying "well I'm about 16 weeks into my Masters program ... my boyfriend won't leave me alone" or "my boyfriend isn't spending enough time with me" or "we can never go out because I'm busy doing work and my boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends"? Desperately seeking something in spite of everything else going well around you is a sign of depression deep down. If you can't be content with all you've worked for and what you're working towards, it seems like you haven't done much of anything to truly rectify your situation.

 

What I mean is, if a relationship is all you want, why are you letting grad school get in the way? Think about it, understand the frivolity of this, and move on. If you're not engaging me because I'm on point, fine; but if people are posting advice, you should either take it or explain why you won't at least try.

I really agree and think about this a lot.  Don't get me wrong I am totally focused on school right now, it is the biggest thing that I am doing it is taking all of my time and energy and in all honesty I don't have time to go out on dates at this moment because of finals and papers and all that fun stuff.  I really do value my education and my program and I enjoy it.  

 

In all honesty I do not know that once I get into that relationship that I want that I won't come back and complain about not getting to spend the time with them or whatever other issues could arise.  I just always figured that once it happened I could handle anything else. I can fix whatever goes wrong I just need it to happen for me.  

 

I am taking the advice, I mean I am trying to work through this, I am trying to put myself in situations with people in relationships and dating (that is pretty much everyone in my program except for me lol) I am trying. It is just hard.  I don't think I am depressed, not enough to like get help for it.  I just have up and down points. Sometimes I can step back and say "ok you have accomplished so much with regard to school, the relationship will happen when it happens, when it is supposed to" and I can be ok with that other times I am desperately just texting anyone and tinder matching anyone (lol) who is into me and will go out with me and could potentially date me.  It is very up and down for me.  Like when I initially wrote the post I was like angry and annoyed, and my feelings were hurt, I was sad.  I read all the responses and took some time away and came back and posted and I have done that a few times.  It is just up and down I can't describe it.  

[LittleDarlings]

It's enough to just be friendly to her at school- there's no need to force a relationship outside of school with someone you don't mesh with.  

Ok I can do that.  I know I still have to put myself in uncomfortable positions with people and I can I just don't think she is the one to do that with. 

[Lisa44201]

I know for 100% fact that a relationship will make me happy.

A thousand times, no. Relationships are a ton of work. A bad relationship is decidedly worse than no relationship.

 

 

 I know for 100% fact that a relationship will make me happy. 

.......................................

 

Anyways I went to lunch with this girl recently and got to know more about her... Is it possible to just not like people because you just don't like them much? I mean I don't think I dislike her necessarily but I just can tell that she isn't someone I would try to be friends with outside of school.  I think that I can manage while in school but we have no real common interests.  My views about life and what life should be are totally different than her's.  I can get along with her and be civil but yeah.  I think I can manage being friends with other married people I guess... they aren't my first pick in friends or anything but if I have to be in contact with them I guess I can.

Point 1: A thousand times, no. No relationship is much better than being in a bad relationship.

 

Point 2: If you just don't see eye to eye with her, aren't on the same page, etc., then stop trying to force a a friendship.