Did my homework; Input=GradCafe Advises; Output=SOP; Constructive Criticism for Cookies!

[thegraydude]

Having read the pinned posts about SOP advice, and after getting personalized responses to my questions from the good folk here at GradCafe, I am now done(?) with my SOP.

 

I took special care proofreading the document before uploading it for comments, because I have witnessed some uploading erroneous early versions of their SOP here. I think it is improper to ask for comments on SOP when you haven't done your homework about what is needed, and uploading it for review when it is littered with spelling mistakes!

 

In any case, I did as much as I could before uploading it for comments. But being a non-native English speaker, if there are some nuances in my writing that you notice, please bring it to my attention.

 

Particularly, I have the following questions:

 

1. As an international student, what fellowships could I say I will be applying to? I have heard adcomms love to hear about those?
2. I explained my unrelated MBA in a paragraph. I felt it should be addressed. Do you agree?
3. I specifically avoided mentioning any faculties; I mentioned the group of researchers I would like to work with instead. (Notice the 'COM' for committee and a 'center' that I mentioned). Is that ok?
4. It is currently around 1200 words, I would like to bring it to 900-1000. Which parts would you say I should prune?
5. Do you notice anything detrimental or pretentious? (I have tried being as humble as possible)?
6. Is there anything I failed to mention?

Here are the links:

[ Page 1]: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5qSHSxdgWvaF8zTVVRZUVpb0k/view?usp=sharing

[ Page 2]: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5qSHSxdgWvd0ZTbGlKNTZaRkk/view?usp=sharing

[ Page 3]: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5qSHSxdgWvM0lPTkRTWEx1TE0/view?usp=sharing

 

Sorry for some redacting; I hope it isn't very distracting. Please use magnification function up top to magnify text.

 

P.S: I am giving away cookies for constructive criticism!!

 

[thegraydude]

Well, since a moderator warned me, I have now taken my SoP off public view. Those who wish to critique it, please let me know and I will PM you a copy.

 

P.S: Cookie still available!

[feelingsupersonic]

Hi thegrayude, I'd like to take a look at your SoP. I am applying to biomedical science graduate schools with a double major in economics and biology and wanted to discuss with you how best to address our unrelated economic/financial/business experiences. Let me know!

[thelogician]

I can take a look at your SOP, other people are allowing public view of their google docs. I would suggest that you just redact any personal information before you share.