SOP review request

[FlipperO]

Hello. Please help me proof my SOP.

About me:

 

-Applying to transfer from the civil engineering program to the industrial engineering program; I am already a graduate student at the university in question.

 

-I asked the former director of graduate studies if I should address my getting NPs in 2 classes I took on a pass/no pass basis--she said it is worth commenting on. For all those unaware, pass/no pass is where you take a class like any other student but get a "pass" if you get a D- or better and get a "no pass" if you get an F. They are not counted in your gpa regardless of whether you pass or not. I had no intention of doing the work for these classes; I just wanted to audit them and have my mgi bill benefits pay the tuition.

 

 

I read an article about the nascency of the field of operations research (OR). During WWII the allies were losing bombers and accompanying crew at an alarming rate. Early OR professionals arrived at the counter-intuitive decision to reinforce undamaged areas of bombers that returned to their bases instead of damaged areas. Their rationale was bombers that sustained damage at areas returning bombers did not experienced catastrophic failure and were lost. This type of unorthodox practical thinking intrigued me.

 

OR’s coupling of the two subjects I enjoy the most—computer programming and mathematics—is why I want to obtain a graduate degree in OR. My undergraduate degree in mathematics and numerous computer programming courses are ideal preparation for a career in OR. Once I complete the MEng in Industrial Engineering:  Operations Research concentration, I hope to apply my degree improving efficiency and business processes within the federal government.

 

I appreciate the practicality of OR. No area of OR better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP). After conducting independent study to refine my grasp of the simplex method, I hope to continue on to integer programming. The application of linear programming to the allocation of military assets is an area I would also like to study further. Linear programming’s application to finance and insurance are also of interest to me. I’ve seen LP used to discover arbitrage opportunities in the currency exchange market. I would like to study ways OR can be used to exploit opportunities for financial gain in other segments of finance. Actuarial science is also of interest to me; LP’s application to investment vehicle selection and desired returns in the context of pensions is an area I would like to explore.

 

ISU is the ideal place for me to study OR. The presence of a large statistics department will allow me to tailor my degree to my desired career path. Data mining and reliability are two subjects I am interested in and hope to incorporate into my degree.  The course offerings within the industrial engineering and statistics departments will allow me to graduate prepared to solve real world problems. I look forward to taking course work in data mining, integer programming, and scheduling.

 

My 2.86 ISU GPA may be a point of concern when making your admission decision. This blemish is mainly due to academic fatigue and a reluctance to abandon a field of study due to prior investment of time and money. Having taken the spring 2014 semester off to reevaluate and reenergize, I am prepared to continue my studies and graduate as soon as possible. My military college benefits will not pay for me to audit a class. If I want to take a class for familiarity and have my veterans benefits pay for it, I must take it P/NP. This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort. This is my way of auditing and the NP is expected and not cause for concern.

 

Unlike most of the applicants for your MEng program, I am not an unknown quantity. I have taken two industrial engineering graduate courses—linear programming and stochastic processes—and received a B+ and a B respectively. After I excel in the graduate courses I am taking this semester, I will have only three courses remaining to complete my MEng; all of which I plan on taking during the fall 2015 semester. I would love to end my formal education and complete my MEng at ISU. If given the opportunity, I will avail myself of it and not disappoint.

 

[FlipperO]

I know everyone is busy with the new semester/quarter, but any suggestions would be appreciated. I need to email this out by Monday 1/19 so I need some feedback. Thanks.

[sjoh197]

Wait.... Is that quote your transfer SOP?

[FlipperO]

The quoted section is my SOP

[FlipperO]

Any feedback at all is greatly appreciated. Please read.

[sjoh197]

I read an article about the nascency of the field of operations research (OR). During WWII the allies were losing bombers and accompanying crew at an alarming rate. Early OR professionals arrived at the counter-intuitive decision to reinforce undamaged areas of bombers that returned to their bases instead of damaged areas. Their rationale was bombers that sustained damage at areas returning bombers did not experienced catastrophic failure and were lost. This type of unorthodox practical thinking intrigued me.

 

OR’s coupling of the two subjects I enjoy the most—computer programming and mathematics—is why I want to obtain a graduate degree (specify) in OR. My undergraduate degree in mathematics and (perhaps say "along with") numerous computer programming courses are ideal (perhaps say "provided ideal") preparation for a career in OR. Once I complete the MEng in Industrial Engineering:  Operations Research concentration, I hope to apply my degree improving efficiency and business processes within the federal government.

 

I appreciate the practicality of OR. No area of OR better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP). (I appreciate the practicality of OR, and no area better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP).)After conducting independent study to refine my grasp of the simplex method, I hope to continue on to integer programming. The application of linear programming to the allocation of military assets is an area I would also like to study further. Linear programming’s application to finance and insurance are also of interest to me. I’ve seen LP used to discover arbitrage opportunities in the currency exchange market. I would like to study ways OR can be used to exploit opportunities for financial gain in other segments of finance. Actuarial science is also of interest to me; LP’s application to investment vehicle selection and desired returns in the context of pensions is an area I would like to explore.

 

ISU is the ideal place for me to study OR. The presence of a large statistics department will allow me to tailor my degree to my desired career path. Data mining and reliability are two subjects I am interested in and hope to incorporate into my degree.  The course offerings within the industrial engineering and statistics departments will allow me to graduate prepared to solve real world problems. I look forward to taking course work in data mining, integer programming, and scheduling.

 

My 2.86 ISU GPA may be a point of concern when making your admission decision. (not in good form to tell the admissions committee what their own concerns are. It is best to rephrase) This blemish is mainly due to academic fatigue and a reluctance to abandon a field of study due to prior investment of time and money. Having taken the spring 2014 semester off to reevaluate and reenergize, I am prepared to continue my studies and graduate as soon as possible. My military college benefits will not pay for me to audit a class. If I want to take a class for familiarity and have my veterans benefits pay for it, I must take it P/NP. This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort. This is my way of auditing and the NP is expected and not cause for concern.

 

Unlike most of the applicants for your MEng program, I am not an unknown quantity. I have taken two industrial engineering graduate courses—linear programming and stochastic processes—and received a B+ and a B respectively. After I excel in the graduate courses I am taking this semester, I will have only three courses remaining to complete my MEng; all of which I plan on taking during the fall 2015 semester. I would love to end my formal education and complete my MEng at ISU. If given the opportunity, I will avail myself of it and not disappoint.

[sjoh197]

Also... Paragraphs should be 5 sentences long at least. You'rs are much too short, and should either be combined or expanded upon. Also, what research have you done in your current degree?

[FlipperO]

Below are the new first three paragraphs of my SOP. My career goals involve the federal govt(DOD) and hopefully I did a better job with the details.

***START***
Operations Research’s (OR) coupling of the two subjects I enjoy the most—computer programming and mathematics—is why I want to obtain a MEng in OR. With my degree in mathematics and computer programming knowledge, I am well prepared for a career in OR. Once I complete the MEng in Industrial Engineering: Operations Research concentration, I hope to apply my degree improving efficiency and business processes within the federal government—specifically the Department of Defense (DOD).

I appreciate the practicality of OR. No area of OR better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP). After conducting independent study to refine my grasp of the simplex method, I hope to continue on to integer programming. The application of linear programming to the allocation of military assets is an area I would like to study further. Linear programming’s application to finance and insurance are also of interest to me. I’ve seen LP used to discover arbitrage opportunities in the currency exchange market. I would like to study ways OR can be used to exploit opportunities for financial gain in other segments of finance. Actuarial science is also of interest to me. Alternatively, within the DOD’s Office of the Actuary, I would like to apply LP to help with investment vehicle selection and the attainment of requisite returns in the context of pensions.

Simulation modeling is an area I envision having many applications to the field of military science. The most impactful application of simulation in the military is to improvised explosive device (IED) location simulation and projectile impact location simulation. Newer armored vehicles and individual protective gear issued to soldiers has additional armor in areas—if hit—would lead to catastrophic failure. I would like to apply data mining and simulation modeling to see if this entire process could be made more effective.
***END***

Edited January 17, 2015 by FlipperO

[sjoh197]

Second version is much better.

 

Be careful with doing the last part of your sop, in explaining your grades. The adcomm knows that shit happens, and that grades plunge for many reasons. Just make sure to make your reason sound just like that, a reason, not an excuse. It can be very difficult. 

[FlipperO]

I must include something about my grades. This is my rework of that paragraph. Is it more palatable?
 

My 2.86 ISU GPA may be a point of concern when making your admission decision. This blemish is mainly due to my reluctance to change degree programs due to prior investment of time and money. My GPA is 3.1 if you discount the single civil engineering course I took my first semester at ISU. Having taken the spring 2014 semester off to introspect, I have a renewed resolve to complete my graduate degree. My military college benefits will not pay for me to audit a class. If I want to take a class for familiarity and have my veterans benefits pay for it, I must take it P/NP. This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort. This is my way of auditing and the NP is expected.

 

Edited January 19, 2015 by FlipperO