callista

In my opinion, my program got way more enjoyable after I finished my coursework.  I was able to spend my time doing what I really loved, which was research.  I liked my classes but I didn't enjoy taking coursework.  My dissertation was the best - I had a fellowship so I worked 10 hours a week to earn extra money (teaching stats to undergrads) and the rest of the time I just spent working on my dissertation doing research.  Glorious!
 
So yes, what you're feeling is normal.  I remember my first 2 years; I spent a lot of time stressing out when I was taking a break, reasoning that I could've been working.  I think most academics feel like that - the work expands to fit the available time, so there's always theoretically something you could be doing, even when you're sleeping, in the shower, eating dinner, etc.  You learn to deal with that over time - you realize that taking a break is part of balancing yourself so that you feel refreshed and ready to work when the time comes.  And oh heck yeah did I doubt myself.  You're still brand new to all of this, and you see what your professors and the advanced grad students do and you wonder how you could ever.  By the end of your doctoral program, though, you'll feel more ready.

ERR, you're one smart cookie and I wouldn't let this discourage you. Some tales from my current first semester may bring solidarity:
 
My school put in a new curriculum this year that has one massive, 7 credit, 20 hour a week class that covers all our grad school class requirements. We still have to take some classes for whatever specific program we join, but overall it's much condensed from the convoluted system they had before. Anyway, we have 40+ folks in here and they all come from different skill backgrounds, which has been reflected in our grade distribution: the people with computational backgrounds are particularly struggling. I'm doing well (A average), however I'm also taking immunology at the same time and it's kicking my ASS...just squeaking out a B right now. It makes me feel overwhelmed and dumb that I can't ace a class I've aced before AND have 4 years research experience in that field. Part of it is the big class takes SO MUCH time, plus we're doing rotations.
 
Anyway, this is my mindset too: "At this point I just have my fingers crossed for a B so I can move on from this horrible class as much as possible." People will not remember you getting a B in some class your first year, but they WILL remember what research accomplishments you've made as well as your scientific thought process. Publish well, network well, and leave this class in the dust. You'll be continually learning through your PhD, believe in yourself just like we do!

Hi harrisonfjord!
 
I had a totally overwhelming 2nd semester of the first year of the PhD, punctuated by some of the things you describe. I was taking too many courses (mandatory ones offered once a year and best completed early on in the program that were also a total time-suck - stats, in particular, which didn't come easy to me). I was also TA-ing too much. The breaking point came with a death in the family in April, as I was rushing to complete my marking and my own final papers/projects/exams. Something had to give, so I took a SHORT course extension (1 month) for one of my courses, so I could complete everything else without worrying about the final paper for that class, which I eventually knocked out by the end of May.
 
I think that there are some periods of grad school that one just has to "take as a montage" (like, bursts of 3-6 weeks were one is totally overworked, but you just imagine it like those studying montages in movies, where the protagonist is at the library day and night). You can do these and recover, but burn-out happens from too many of these stacked back-to-back over time. And crisis can occur if you don't leave any room for "life" to happen (like illnesses or deaths in the family). So, my advice is to (1) initially, take this as a montage and buckle down and try to get 'er done while practicing some self-care (lots of rest and trips to the gym and tea, for example) and (2) have a contingency plan if "life" happens and something's got to give and then don't be afraid to take the "out" and ask for help. It really can make all the difference in the world to your mind-set just knowing that you've got an "out". The course extension might be worth looking into - I found my admins and the prof to be very understanding - but I would recommend that this should be (i) a one-time thing (ii) for ONE course (iii) that is a SHORT extension (maybe to write a final paper over the holiday break and have it done for January, you don't want this over-lapping with whatever you have next semester and it'll just get harder to wrap-up as time goes on). Again, I think you should look into it and having the strategy in your back pocket might on its own make all the difference.
 
Talking to the grad admins and colleagues can help as well, just to figure out what the culture of your program is and what people typically do - grad students are often an overachieving bunch, and I remember that semester as being kind of a profound moment where I was staring down a situation that I maybe couldn't negotiate without some help, a circumstance that had been foreign to me at the time, where all challenges up until that point had just been rectified by my working REALLY hard. It's actually good to get a sense of your limits to know what that landscape looks like, but you need to know when to pull back, and if you get a sense of prospective "taking something off your plate" strategies before you're in crisis and actually need them, then this will help to make it feel more manageable, and you'll have an "out" if needed. I'm sure you're not the first in your program to feel overwhelmed, and give yourself a break - get acquainted with your limits, flirt with them a bit, but don't walk over the edge, ask for help!
 
HTH! Good luck!

Hi friends, I am so overwhelmed to see the posts here! I am a R & D professional in India, working for the last 6 years. I am dying to join the graduate school now at the age of 31. I am just married and taking the decision to quit my present job (that offers a fat salary) is not-at-all easy at this age, especially from India, where this is really really difficult to manage a job with good pay scale. I am applying this fall, let's see what happens. All the best for your future endeavours-I am gaining so much courage now. It feels like I am not alone .

Happy to have found this thread. I'm 30, and will (at last) be finished with my BA in May. I'm taking two GRE exams and applying to psych grad programs this fall-- and while I'm anxious about the time-consuming aspects of the process, I mostly feel eager/excited to get started with the next chapter of my life. 
 
Two years ago I transferred from a more "blended" university (decent mix of teens, twenties, and non trads), and began commuting to a much larger one, with a more traditional demographic (read: lots and lots, and lots, of teenagers). It was a challenging transition for many reasons....and although it's gotten easier, I admit that I still feel a little bit "on the periphery" of things. Fortunately, my husband is also a non-trad student and has dealt with some of the same challenges, which has made the experience less isolating for both of us.  I also feel like the experience has helped me gain a lot of valuable personal insight and much needed awareness of hidden insecurities, which makes me feel much better equipped to enter the graduate arena. 
 
(That being said, I'm still really, REALLY looking forward to doing less "aw shucks"ing in the future.  )

That's what worries me - the divide.  I feel a divide when I read an article mentioning they were in grade school during 9/11 and I was already out of school and working at that point.   What worries me more is that students seem to be so much more self-possessed and know what they want to do at a far younger age.  I see people's portfolios and they're building apps while in high school, and I feel like I haven't achieved a damn thing - whereas at least if I have a master's I'll know I'll have done 'something'.  I know the program I'm applying for is collaborative, so I welcome the chance to be working with people who have good ideas and attititudes, but also worry about talking about my experiences where I just don't seem 'good enough' or just too 'out of the loop'.  I've had a long path since school, and big parts of it were difficult, so it's going to be harder to relate to someone who's 23 and hasn't had certain experiences that you inherit from working in Corporate America. 

It sounds like you did ruin things with that professor. You definitely should have kept her up to date with your independent study situation. There is no reason to beat yourself up for not doing so now but just use it as a lesson learned for the future. I would focus on getting to know other professors right now and then maybe repair things with her in the future.
 
Alot of people in academia have a difficult time with social interactions. I think that you are thinking about this the wrong way completely. You should not be getting to know professors for the purpose of getting LORs. If you are passionate about your field then you should want to learn from them, impress them, turn in your absolute best work to them. If you are possionate about your field then in my opinon, the letters flow naturally out of that.
 
If you are struggling this much with interacting with coworkers then I would consider going to the counsling center... not because you have some huge issue but because it would give you someone to talk to and someone to help you through this. This is not the only time that you will need to get close with coworkers. You will have to do this in your phd program and postdoc and beyond if you want to be successful. Use this masters degree as an opportunity to learn how to do that so that you have an easier time in your phd program with the stakes are higher.
 
It is definitely not too late to turn this around and interact with your professors more. Start at an easy spot: why not try to go office hours of some of the professors who you have classes with for the next few weeks. Come with some genuine question from the class and then maybe ask a question or two about their research if it interests you. If you can get comfortable doing that then you are off to a great start. Dont be upset with your current situation and just use it as a learning opportunity. You can plan where to go from here. With a year left in the program still, you have tons of time to connect with people in your department.

Yes there is some tension - especially when the instructor is closer in age to your own children.
 
The weirdest was when I was an older undergrad - the instructor was a former employee of mine. 

I'm so sorry to hear that your child was in an accident, but am very glad they are okay and not seriously injured. 
 
I honestly recommend EVERYONE carry around a few very important things in their wallet, on their person, at all times. It can be written on a blank business card or index card. Any thicker piece of paper will do:
 
At the top of the card highlight it in lime green (or something distinguishable) and write MEDICAL (this part should be visible from its pocket in your wallet)  Name, and emergency contact(s). Your DOB should be on an ID card anyways.  Medical conditions (any/all). Include disabilities or other health concerns. Asthmatic? Diabetic? Panic disorder? Epilepsy? Pacemaker? That goes here.  Blood type (I have a rare and weird blood issue so I have that listed in the odd case I need a transfusion.)  Allergies (any and all) important medical history (e.g. had a heart attack, stroke, surgery on something major, etc) Prescriptions -- FULL name, dosage of the Rx in mg, and how often you take it. Include the "as needed" prescriptions. Insurance name.  THEN, list pets [if you have no roommate/they aren't your emergency contact] and/or another emergency contact or school/department. An "If hospitalized, please call/email ____ department." Your emergency contacts should include at least ONE local person (roommate or otherwise), and THEY should be given a similar card with your medical information, your family's contact information, and a list of top priority things to be done (feed your pet), and people to contact, probably your advisor -- with the name of your hospital/ER room/etc. If you don't have a roommate, and DO have a pet/home things which need taking care of you can pre-emptively give your emergency contact a spare key to your apartment, provided you trust them. Otherwise, I would speak to your apartment's landlord/on-site manager/whatever and make them aware of your emergency contact, their name, and that you've instructed this contact to get in touch with the manager/landlord in the case of a dire emergency in order to feed/water/whatever. If your roommate is one contact, have a second one in case you were both in the accident. 
 
This card can be incredibly helpful, and I actually learned this from my 75 year old grandmother. After donating blood one day, we took her out to lunch, and she began to feel woozy and faint, as well as clammy. We were lucky, there was a woman at a nearby table who gave us medical advice, and the EMTs showed up fairly quickly to assess her. But when they started asking me what prescriptions she took, I didn't know the answer. My grandmother was too woozy to think of specific names, but said they were in her wallet. I found the card very quickly, and gave it to the EMTs which made their inspection and checking her vitals much easier because it took out all the guesswork. She was fine (low on fluids, otherwise healthy), but being able to have everything on one card made the entire scenario less terrifying and more efficient. More than just a contact (which can sometimes be garnered from your phone or ID, or other things in your wallet), you also need vital medical information. 
 
I have family nearish (about 20 minutes away, and a Doctor), but I still carry the medical card at all times and have a second contact listed. 

Finally today I found out...I passed my qualifier!!! Had to take it twice. Bombed it the first time. Only 6 out of 17 of us made it to the second year!! Phew! I feel so lucky and blessed!
 
It feels so good to be a second year PhD!!! Maybe now I'll have a shred of a life, and hoping for a badass internship next summer!

I carry a Betsey Johnson black and cream colored tote. It's roomy enough to hold my laptop and a few books, but I generally resort to my North Face Backpack if I need to carry anything substantial around. I am lucky enough to live fairly close to campus so I don't have to bring everything with me for a long commute (like I did in undergrad). Most of the female professors at my school have some type of rolling briefcase that they use. I just don't carry lots of heavy books with me, so I generally just throw everything in the tote and go.
 
This is similar to the tote I have if it helps at all. Its durable and has held up for the past year with minimal wear and tear. I also only paid $40 for it a TJ Maxx.
 
http://www.ebay.com/itm/BETSEY-JOHNSON-TOTE-CANDY-RIBBONS-BOWS-SHOULDER-BAG-BLACK-BONE-GOLD-STUDS-NWT-/321387401493

I love messenger bags, but always found them too small. Then i got the Bag of Holding from thinkgeek and it is my best friend. I've been using it for about 2 years and it holds EVERYTHING! You can find the original one here. There is also a more professional looking leather version here. More recently though I've been using their "purse" version, the Handbag of Holding, and it is wonderful! There is a padded pocket in the center which actually manages to fit my laptop (an 11" ultrabook) and a bunch of pockets for other stuff. It can be found here. The only thing I don't like about the handbag version is that there is only a small magnetic clasp to hold it closed, and it isn't very strong.
 
Wow, I sound like an infomercial. I swear I'm not getting paid by thinkgeek, I just really like these bags. Both the boyfriend and I use them (he is a paramedic and uses it for paperwork, supplies, and entertainment and I currently work as a private tutor) as well as several of our friends and we all swear by them. So, yeah, that's my two cents...

I withstood my first committee meeting without anyone noticing I didn't belong!      

Reading the threads of incoming students who are planning for their first year reminds me so much of myself one year ago. I was so eager to get started. Why was I in such a freaking hurry? I'd love to have a summer off now.
 
Anyway, can you believe in a few short months we'll be second years? Congrats to everyone on surviving our first year of graduate school!!!

I just wanted to provide an update on the situation.
 
I was so torn about what to do. I would wake up in the morning and say that I needed to drop the course and face the consequences, then go to bed at night and say that it's not over until it's over and I have never been a quitter. I actually logged into the system with the intent to drop the course but couldn't find the link. Instead of calling student services, I decided to take it as a sign to tough the course out. In my mind I rationalized that dropping the course would send the same message that failing the course would, that I couldn't handle it. The difference between the two was that I had the chance not to fail, it would be different if failing was certain. I emailed the instructors and informed them that I was staying in the course. After I sent the email, I immediately began diving into the material. Well two days later, we found out that the final was a take home final. Yes! No! Take home finals are notoriously harder than in class tests. I was more nervous. I have never put more time and effort into a written assignment. Outside reading, studying papers, and speaking to students in that department.
 
The semester is now over. I received the A that I needed to pass the class, as well as the A's that I anticipated in my other courses. All's well that ends well. Thanks for the comments and support.
 
Edit - could you imagine the panic/regret/anger that I would have felt if I had dropped the course, only to find out the final was a take home final???!!!

Different fields might be different about this, but in my field, it's *essential* to speak up in seminar. If you go all semester without saying anything, the professor assumes that you didn't do the work.
 
I think you should talk to the professor about this, but present it not as an apology or explanation for not speaking up in class but as an issue you're working through. Make clear that you know it is *your* issue and that you're aware of its consequences, and that you aren't trying to get an exemption from speaking in class. You're just working on it.
 
I also had a difficult time speaking up in seminar, especially when other people seemed to dominate the discussion and I didn't want to talk about what they were talking about, but I didn't want to derail, either. I found that a few tactics help me deal with it, namely writing down a few questions or observations before I went to class. Then, if there was a lull in the class, I would jump in with my question. Or sometimes I would ask my question at the very beginning of class before anyone else had a chance to go on their lengthy theory binge. Speaking up really early helped to "take the edge off" a bit--I didn't have to sit there and wait for a chance to jump in and get all nervous about it.
 
Is there a way you could try to start off class discussion with a question that's non-triggering for you?

If it's not conditional, then I wouldn't imagine it would negatively affect your ability to enter the doctoral program. But I would definitely check with the prospective program beforehand to make sure.
 
However, thread very lightly. It seems there are underlying issues that don't have to do with your program solely. However rosy the doctoral program looks, it will definitely be much harder and stressful than the one you are in now. You don't want to be in the same situation you are now a year or two from now. 
 
Saying that you have no time to see a psychologist is completely dishonest. All it takes is an hour a week at the most. Seek help immediately. Hurting yourself to cope with depression/anxiety/other mental problems and pushing yourself to isolation is a significant sign of poor mental health. Seeking help in some form already is a positive sign, but you need to take another step and seek professional help. Your mental health comes before everything. 

Have you considered visiting the campus counseling center? I don't mean to imply that you're completely messed up in the head and need serious couch time. I also don't mean to imply that you should find an off-campus counseling center. Campus counseling centers have a lot of information and knowledge about dealing with academic based problems and you have a problem with your department's professorate.

You may or may not be part of the problem (I have no idea), but in terms of odds, there is likely something about how you're communicating with these people that they're reacting to in a negative fashion. I couldn't tell you. The campus counseling folks can, though. A visit or two can help you iron out basic communication issues that you might be having. If any type of relationship is in dire need of couples counseling, it's the grad-professor relationship. I think it should be mandatory or something.

Anyway. That's one avenue that you might find personally helpful.

If you're finding that you often can't communicate with different professors in your department, it's very likely that you are part of the problem. I can see from your post that you're probably not picking up this professor's social cues, nor the ones of this board. The good thing about finding problems in yourself is, you can fix them yourself and be happier.
 
If you don't know a professor well, they're probably not a good person to ask for a letter of recommendation yet. That's especially true if they've made it clear that you were annoying them when you did meet them. If someone tells you that they don't like how you prepared for something, you should apologize, ask them to clarify what they do want, and then make sure you do that going forward. If you see yourself collaborating with this person a lot, you should make that clear in your apology, and ask how you can prepare in a way that would make them willing to work with you. You should ask your advisor, grad director, or a professor you have a rapport with already for a letter or for suggestions about whom to ask.
 
It's not appropriate to suggest that grad school isn't work, especially on a grad school forum. Are you suggesting to your professors at all that you don't see your PhD as a job or as real work? You will certainly alienate people if you continue to say that. Much like at a traditional job, you'll ingratiate yourself to others by making yourself useful-- not by trying to force relationships or belittling others' work. If you give this professor some space, work on your approach with others with whom you already have a rapport, and come back later with a clearer idea of why you would make a good collaborator, you might get a better response.

My snakes are getting enough sleep. I'm not, but my snakes are.
 
*sigh*

hollaaa at my fellow INFJs. i sometimes test as an INFP, but that's when i'm being moody & mother nature/estrogen is winning. -__-
 
Edit: does anyone know their OCEAN/Big 5  scores? i know i score moderately high on openness, & rather high on conscientiousness, but i can't remember the rest.

This thread was terribly disappointing. I started reading it believing that at least, the majority of the scholarly soon-to-be academics here would be able to have an intelligent discussion on issues like campus disability services and discussion on health/disabilities, (I mean there are how many threads on people gaining weight on this forum and how to stay fit?) and what do I find? The last bastion  of safe discrimination and the Megatron of concern trolling.
 
Fat people know they're fat, ok? They don't need the constant reminders from people. How many individuals do you think say *per day* to your average overweight or obese person "Well, if you just eat healthy foods, exercise and consume less calories than you use, you can be thinner!" Why thank you, concern troll, I had no idea and this is the very first time someone has ever suggested such a thing before. You are my hero. And seeing as how most concern trolls are not doctors nor have they ever studied the intricacies of the human body, nutrition, kinesiology, or genetics, or even economics but rather would secretly (or not so secretly) just like to not look at fat people ever, the majority of people who hear this on a regular basis would like to take all that fake concern and offer you a nice big helping of STFU. 
 
I know this may come as a big shocker to some people, but is actually possible for some people, appearance wise, to be externally fat but internally (according to all physical examinations and tests by doctors) to be as fit and functional as a healthy person. The opposite can also be true for thin people. There are plenty of naturally thin people who consume nothing but junk and are not internally healthy. 
 
Some individuals here seem to be under the impression that accepting fat people/the fat acceptance movement/plus size phenomenon or whatever you want to call it is PC or coddling or some form of accepting "bad" behavior. Because of course anyone who is fat is absolutely to blame for all of it. Lets just throw a white sheet over everyone and call it a day. Just like Fox News says anyone who is living in poverty is there as a result of their own poor behavior or bad choices. I think I can see what kind of environment some of these individuals were raised in.  The fat acceptance movement is none of these things. Hold on for a second now because I might just make a radical claim here:
 
Like Feminism is the general belief and movement that women are fundamentally people and deserving of the equal rights and opportunities of men, the Fat Acceptance Movement is so too the general belief that fat individuals are fundamentally people and deserving of the equal rights and opportunities of anyone else. It is the belief that a fat person should not have to be okay with discrimination in the job market, bullying, harassment, or threats. Here are a few screen shots from a tumblr I occasionally peruse from people who actually do deal with discrimination, misdiagnoses and harassment just for being fat :
 
 



These were all recent posts. The fact of the matter is, yes, health is important. But you know what else is important? The fact that fat people are still PEOPLE. And they deserve just as much respect as anyone else. 
 
There is also a big correlation between poverty and health. There are areas of our country where people are so fundamentally disadvantaged that finding healthy food is one of their lowest priorities. There are places in America called food deserts. A food desert is defined as an area without access to fresh fruits, vegetables, and other whole foods due to a lack of supermarkets, farmers markets and other healthy food providers. Many individuals in these areas may not have cars with which to drive to an area where such things are accessible or may not be able to afford the gas. http://americannutritionassociation.org/newsletter/usda-defines-food-deserts <- what is a food desert. http://newsone.com/1540235/americas-worst-9-urban-food-deserts/ <- Top 9 urban food deserts. So that covers food. What about exercise? Not only are there people so economically disadvantaged that they can't get to good supermarkets, who of these people do you think are going to get to a gym? Go outside and run, you say? In temperatures that can get below freezing, you say? Or how about above 85 and humid? Above 95? It is it okay to exercise outside in adverse weather conditions? What about in unsafe neighborhoods? Who honestly thinks that anyone who can't even afford gas money is going to be living in super safe neighborhood? I won't even bother addressing the low wage workers who work 10 or 12+ hour days and can't access basic things like clean water and healthy supermarkets (in America!). 
 
For a forum all about higher education, this thread was sorely lacking it. 
 
http://books.google.com/books?id=mILfIjh356sC&lpg=PA201&ots=0T_5klWQvd&dq=food%20deserts%20in%20america&lr&pg=PA201#v=onepage&q=food%20deserts%20in%20america&f=false  <- more on food deserts
 
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1549-0831.2009.tb00387.x/abstract;jsessionid=14E99F2ED815CBE471D72D7A2CC1CB01.f03t03?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false   <- article on the lack on available healthy food correlates to increased BMI

Since I'm in nutrition, I actually have studied obesity. It isn't as simple as calories in = calories out, as some of you think.  It also isn't always about personal choice.
 
If any of you actually care to educate yourselves, here are some good studies and other articles on the topic:
 
The epidemiology of overweight and obesity: public health crisis or moral panic?
 
2006 Canadian clinical practice guidelines on the management and prevention of obesity in adults and children
 
ECONOMIC CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF OBESITY
 
Here are some great graphics that illustrate the many causes of obesity:
 
http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h232/nutritionrunner/determinants_zps32a90d05.jpg
http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h232/nutritionrunner/obesityfactors_zps9041a94e.png
 
Oh gee, look at all the factors that aren't under an individual's control!  Imagine that!
 
The following is the best illustration of all the many factors that affect obesity.  It is an incredibly complex problem:
http://www.shiftn.com/obesity/Full-Map.html
 
So please, educate yourself about the causes and treatment of obesity before you go assuming it is the individual's fault.  The research being done in this area indicates that there are many complex, interacting factors that affect obesity and obesity rates.  It isn't always a matter of eating too much and moving too little.  It is much, much more complex.  Energy balance is only part of the equation.

This forum has a terrifying lack of empathy, and understanding of BASIC concepts regarding food politics, body politics, disabilities and general human decency. 
 
Seriously I'm beginning to think they should require a basic sociology class, something that covers poverty, disability, race -- certainly maybe some of you can try looking up "food deserts". 
 
Or....basic economics: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128621057
 
It doesn't even matter if the OP is serious or not, and what the cause of their weight is. Personally I'd rather be around someone who "chose" to be fat than a bunch of people who choose to be assholes. 

Glad to see another of us striving for more greatness!