far_to_go

I'm dating someone already, but if at any point I'm single in grad school I plan to say the following thing to any alluring fellow grad students: "Now, I think I'm totally worth it, but just so you know that by being in a serious relationship with me you are committing to always choosing my career first." This statement is almost guaranteed to thoroughly douse ardor.

In this way I hope to sidestep the two body problem. That's also partly why I'm dating someone with moveable ambitions.

It seems to me that this problem could be fixed if there wasn't social pressure to immediately go to college at 18. Then people could decide not only if they wanted to go, but also what to major in to maximize their benefits (monetary and intellectual), and a lot of the predatory lending would wither away. The predatory lending is a symptom of a bad social structure rather than something inevitable or [insert pessimistic verb here].

And I don't find the thread helpful at all, since the OP has stated that this is just a "we're all screwed" PSA. Pointing out problems is easy, and indulging in a sense of outrage is unproductive. How about brainstorming some solutions? How about proposing alternative visions for the higher education structure? No? I'm sure that's too optimistic and hard. Let's just revel in our doom instead.

if you've decided that you don't want help, then why post all of this?

the problem is not how you can learn to love your situation. it's how you can get out of it. but this is like talking to a brick wall. it's not your fault. it's full-on stockholm syndrome. but when everyone is telling you that you need to leave, and you say you can't, there's not much anyone can do. i hope you decide, at some point, that you actually want the help you need.

I've just finished my first year, so I haven't hit any of the major milestones that Strangelight mentioned. But so far, I would say that I love my program. By and large, my colleagues and professors are smart, interesting, and personable people, and our department has a very active social life. For the most part, I have a great deal of control over my research and my schedule (although, as I sometimes tell people, "grad school is great! you get to choose which 60 or 70 hours a week you're going to work!") I still can't quite believe that I'm getting paid to read and write and talk with interesting people. I even like TAing.

Cool your jets, whippersnappers. I like the enthusiasm, but I just finished my first year in a doctoral program and as far as I'm concerned, the fall semester can take its sweet time getting here. I have my own research to do, a language course to take, friends to visit, beaches to lie on...

If, however, you are champing at the bit to start grad school (as I was at this time last year): one of the best things I did to prepare over the summer was to read the most recently published books of quite of the few of the profs in my department. It gave me a good sense for what sorts of ideas are floating around in the hallways. Plus, it gave me something to talk about with profs when the semester did start.

GROUP HUG!

LOL. That's what happens when you are thinking about the next word while typing the current one.

I'm not even going to change it.

I can think of more than one grad school situation where I'd have to psych myself up by saying "Kiss. Ass. You can do this, mama. Get to it. Kiss some ass."

This thread is great.

The best parts about a low-income upbringing is that living on a 1500 stipend isn't that much different than any other time in life, and when that 6 figure job drops we'll have the common sense to still live like we do on that 1500 stipend

Yep, this. I'm just thrilled with being able to replace things before they run out. The idea of *just my salary* being $60K+? That rocks my world, lol.

I'm a first-generation African American student. My father drove the bus in the city for 17 years, and my mom was a stay at home mother. I go to an Ivy League graduate school now, after winning a scholarship to study at a small historically black women's college for undergrad. The hardest thing for me is that I get jealous of the trips my colleagues take - most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class backgrounds (I'd call mine borderline working/lower-middle-class, I suppose). So taking trips is just built into their psyche whereas I didn't take any trips we couldn't drive to whem I was younger. They go across continents for their holidays and summer trips and I'm trying to figure out how they pay for this stuff! Unless I'm going to a conference or a wedding, I don't take trips. It leaves me the most bitter of anything else because I always dreamed of traveling as a child, and these are people who have and are going to all the places I've always wanted to visit. Oh well, I guess there's the future...

I also have the same issues with trying to explain to family members what I'm doing, why this is hard (they think it's like extended college) and that there is no bounded time frame that they can expect me to be done within. My father was actually unhappy when I decided to do a PhD, and he tried to convince me to quit with my master's when I went home for a visit this summer. Nobody in my family gets the point. OR they think that I'm going to be ridiculously rich with a PhD. They are generally supportive, but my mom recently began pressuring me to get married and have children (I'm turning 25 this year!!!) and my cousin keeps asking me when I'm going to have kids. She's the same age as me and she's got two. I'm not even sure I *want* to have kids, but I think my mom might faint if I tell her that. I was telling my fiance that I feel like I'm in a constant flux/conflict between the university world I inhabit that's got upper-middle-class values and my family's world with the working-class ones.

I wanted to share my story since the others here were so inspiring. I am a regular here at TGC. However, to protect my anonymity's anonymity, I am posting this under an assumed username.

I am a first-generation college student in my family. We were also quite low-income. I quit going to high school when I was a freshman. By the time I hit 20, I had already developed a significant heroin addiction. By the age of 23, I was literally sleeping on the sidewalk in Manhattan, even in the winter. I'd always been a heavy reader and I spent a lot of my time on the street reading whatever books I could find or "get." Ever met a homeless heroin addict that could discuss anything from Marxism, 19th-century French literature, Greek tragedy, continental philosophy, all kinds of history, the fine points of Judaism, etc...? That was me. At the age of 28, I got clean and within 2 years had the first of my two kids and began taking classes at the lowest community college in the city. My family supported me in more ways than one and made it possible for me to graduate this spring with a GPA of 3.9+ and some very nice essay awards and fellowships. I also developed fantastic relationships with very prominent professors. Now, this coming fall, I will be receiving full funding from my top choice, an Ivy League school that is ranked #2 in the country in my discipline. It's been an amazing journey and I can only hope it keeps going the way it has.

Anyway, the point of my story is that, truly, anything is possible. As first-generation students, we face many challenges, especially those of us going to so-called "elite" schools. However, if I can get to where I am from such a low point, any first-generation student issues should appear far less daunting. We get to where we are, largely, due to hard work and a bit of luck or serendipity. And the five years we may spend surrounded by people whose understanding of our issues is little to none is really a very short time. And after it's over, you will continue to have those things that allowed you to get to where you are in the first place. And that is something that no amount of money or class status can buy.

This this this!

Ive mentioned it in other threads too. My parents came to the States when they were teenagers. Both graduated from high school, but the quality of their education is a bit suspect. I remember helping my mom balance her checkbook when I was 8 or 9 years old, and proofreading my dad's letters when I was in middle school. The one advantage I had was that my father made a decent enough living for us to be middle-class. I don't remember money for necessities ever being an issue, but once I got into college it was made quite clear that I was on my own.

Because of this, Ive been working non-stop since I was 16. I mean, the day I turned 16 I went to the local Burger King & asked for a job (I hated that job. I always smelled like Cini-Minis). It's a running joke among my friends that I've literally worked in every industry. At this point, Ive been working non-stop for 12 years and I'm already burned out lol.

I didn't consider my first-generation status to be a disadvantage until I entered graduate school. Here I have met people from all over the world that knew things I couldn't even grasp. They had read books by authors such as Dostoevsky, Kafka, and Cummings in high school. We never had books in my house growing up. My father always said, "if you're not working or cleaning, you're wasting time." My fellow students also had such an amazing command of the English language -- honestly, I didn't realize how poor my English skills were until this point. Suddenly, I realized how terrible my family's English was, and how that had affected my English, too. It had to start all over again. At 28 years old, I was learning proper English! I felt so behind.

Sometimes I get a little jealous when my classmates talk about the trips they're going to take, or the things they're going to do over the weekend, or (I'm ashamed to say) the things they're going to buy etc. I have 3 jobs (1 full time, one freelance, and one seasonal) so I'm constantly going to one job or another. With all these jobs, I'm still just making enough to pay my bills, keep food in the house, and pay for other incidentals. I'm just managing to keep up with my schoolwork and my thesis. I complained about not having time to finish all my work to one of my peers and she responded, "Just call your parents & tell them you can't work anywmore!" I thought, "WOW. Why didn't I think of that!"

Besides financial and education issues, it's difficult to convince my parents that what I'm doing is worth it. They still don't understand what it is to be a graduate student. As I said before, my father values working or cleaning -- but studying?? My goal is to study as a career? I thought his head was going to explode when I tried to explain to him what a Ph.D entails. My mother, too. As the previous poster said, Im going to have to pursue this dream with or without my family's support. I think it is a big obstacle for first-generation students especially -- my parents see success in terms of money, not knowledge.

On a positive note:
The best parts about a low-income upbringing is that living on a 1500 stipend isn't that much different than any other time in life, and when that 6 figure job drops we'll have the common sense to still live like we do on that 1500 stipend

a 1500$ stipend!! Thats way more than I'm living off now. I won't even know what to do with all that money .

Yes, it does mean "be on your best behavior." I've been told that it comes from the expression "mind your pints and quarts", a recommendation to keep track of how much you're drinking so that you don't get wasted and do something stupid. This is also a good piece of advice to keep in mind when you're around faculty- don't get wasted.

Yikes, I wouldn't want to be in your position. People can get jealous and mean even when it's not your 'fault'. On the whole, I'd follow Arcadian's advice- just play it cool, be yourself, etc. Usually I try to keep the news relatively quiet when I get a fellowship or something that I know somebody else wants. So, whatever you do, don't go on that forum and post "yeah, I got housing, I'm so stoked! Woohooo!" (I'm sure you weren't going to do that anyway, but just in case...)

My MA advisor and I are friends on Facebook, so I do keep in touch with him there. Not ideal for everyone, I'm sure, but it works for this particular relationship. I also send him syllabi from courses I'm taking that have content that's relevant to his interests. He asked me to do this before I left, and it's worked well as a way to touch base every semester or so. We also met up for a beer at the most recent AAA meetings.

Incidentally, it's a good idea to maintain contact with one's former fellow students as well. Several of my MA buddies are now in PhD programs in various fields at different schools, and we keep up by Facebook, reading each other's blogs, occasional e-mails, meet-ups at conferences, etc. Never too early to begin cultivating one's academic network!

On a slightly different note:

Before my first semester started, I gave myself some time to get my living space well in order. Especially since I had moved across the country to start my program, I had a lot of work to do in terms of acquiring furniture, organizing all my belongings, etc. It was totally time well spent. My living space isn't large, but it's well-organized, functional, and beautiful; it's an optimal environment for getting work done and for relaxing at the end of the day. If you have the time and even a little money to invest in organizing/decorating your living space before school starts in the fall, I strongly encourage you to go for it.

I asked one of the ABD's in my department what she did to survive her first year. She said "I bought a good, comfortable reading chair and a very large bottle of vodka, and made good use of both."

OK, someone has to say this--this thread seems like a collection of cheesy college application essays. You're already in grad school. Do you still need pads on the back? Here, good job, good job.

You know you did good work and made good choices. Other people know you did good work. But so did virtually everyone else who got into good grad schools. No one is going to look down on you for coming from low-income families or for being first generation students, and if they will--they're just a bunch of jerks.

I grew up in Eastern Europe and came to the U.S. at 19. My parents' combined income at home was less than $1000 a month, for a family of five, which wasn't much more when adjusted for PPP. Yes, I went to a college well below in USNEWS rankings than others I was accepted to, based on financial aid. Yes, I had to work crappy jobs in college. Yes, I studied while some other people went to Bahamas for spring break. Yes, I worked hard academically and missed some fun. But so did numerous other people from way wealthier families. In America, parents' income does not equal kids' income. A lot of my upper-middle class friends had to serve tables, work at supermarkets or for maintenance to pay their college bills, but they never asked for a pad on the back. I am well aware of the outcomes of my graduating class, and it's those that were motivated and worked hard that succeeded, regardless of parents' education or income. In terms of grad school applications, parents rarely ever know enough to be more helpful than, say, thegradcafe.

In my graduate program, the vast majority worked very hard to get here, and still work hard. Grad life is not a lifestyle of luxury for virtually anyone. Things valued in grad school are intelligence, motivation, hard work and humor, not family background.

So, I suppose it was worth answering someone who was unsure about the social environment and attitudes in grad school, but 5 pages of rubbing each other's egos for "overcoming the odds?" I thought it would end on page 2, at most. You've made it, congratulations! Now get over the "disadvantages you had to overcome" and get down to work to continue to succeed.

Oh, I forgot to mention: one of our current ABDs did his fieldwork in Polynesia and has full-sleeve tattoos that were part of his initiation into his tribe. He has a good job waiting for him as soon as he finishes the last few chapters of the dissertation. It seems to me that, at least in anthro, tattoos might actually help your job prospects if they're a visual symbol of the fieldwork rite-of-passage.

I agree with natsteel. Sounds like you're dealing with much more than just run-of-the-mill stress. If the counseling staff at your school isn't taking you seriously, I hope that you can find a health care provider and/or psychologist who will. I know that it can be difficult to be proactive in seeking care when you're in the state you describe; is there a friend or relative whom you could call on for support in getting the care you need?

Wishing you the best.

Oh, I forgot to mention: one of our current ABDs did his fieldwork in Polynesia and has full-sleeve tattoos that were part of his initiation into his tribe. He has a good job waiting for him as soon as he finishes the last few chapters of the dissertation. It seems to me that, at least in anthro, tattoos might actually help your job prospects if they're a visual symbol of the fieldwork rite-of-passage.

I agree with natsteel. Sounds like you're dealing with much more than just run-of-the-mill stress. If the counseling staff at your school isn't taking you seriously, I hope that you can find a health care provider and/or psychologist who will. I know that it can be difficult to be proactive in seeking care when you're in the state you describe; is there a friend or relative whom you could call on for support in getting the care you need?

Wishing you the best.

I had a phone interview with the DGS at one of my top choices a few days ago. While she told me that I'm on the short list was mostly quite encouraging, even telling me that they're considering nominating me as the department's candidate for a big university-wide fellowship, she did ask me why I hadn't gone to better schools (started at community college, BA from a mid-ranked state school, MA from a mid-ranked private school). It was phrased like "Based on your GRE, GPA, and personal statement, it's obvious that you're quite bright and motivated... so we were just curious about your past choices of schools..."

I told her that my choices had been made out of considerations of location and cost along with quality of education, and that as a first-generation college student I hadn't had any real idea what the hell I was doing. That seemed to satisfy her... I hope it did!

I'm also hoping for professorship. Working for an organization that would let me do anthropological research full-time, esp one with an activist bent, would also be great. If all else fails, trophy wife.... nah, I'm pretty sure I couldn't pull that one off!