"well, didn't you know? Didn't you do your research?" Of course they did. Most of us are entering research-intensive programs. Of course we did our research.
When people say that, they are usually referring to things that it is possible to know before you go - like the fact that no one at your school is doing research in your area, or the wonderful professor you wanted to work with is actually not taking any students in his lab, or that Professor X's research interests on the website are actually her interests from 5 years ago and she's doing something else now.
It's not possible to know that you are in a cohort full of axe murderers or that professor with the interesting interests is a dick, and people normally don't admonish them for that.
There is a certain impossibility of "being sure before you go." While I do encourage all prospective graduate students to learn as much as they possibly can before committing, who amongst us can claim that they really truly knew the intensity of the loneliness, the depth of internal doubt, the purgatory of unstructured time?
Nobody. When folks say "know before you go," they're not talking about knowing that you want stay in graduate school. They're saying be sure that you want and need to go. Some people dislike research and want to get a PhD. Don't go! Some people don't like to write papers but they want to ride out the recession. Don't go! Some people aren't sure what it is they actually want to study or do in life. Don't go!
I don't disagree that there are some things that it is impossible to know before coming to graduate school, but I DO disagree that it is common for graduate students to say "didn't you know?" to a person thinking about leaving. When I decided to leave my program (before I changed my mind), I posted on a number of forums and talked to colleagues. Not one person said that to me, not here, not LJ, not in person. They expressed sympathy, talked about how difficult the life is here, and gave me advice. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't think it happens often when it's not warranted.
