MathCat

A couple of thoughts.
1. You are spending a lot of time prejudging your graduate cohort without even having gotten to know them yet. You are already assuming that nobody in your cohort with be able to identify with you, that you won't be able to form any close bonds with them because you have different emotional needs, that nobody else had a childhood experience like yours. You can't know that up front, so stop making assumptions about people and get to know some folks. You might be surprised, because
2. Your childhood experiences are not that unique and actually probably more common than you'd think amongst very smart people. I only had one boyfriend from high school to college and had a social awkward upbringing in which I made few friends. I didn't learn how to make friendships until grad school, either. Lots of graduate students are socially awkward and have struggled with mental illness and physical disability.
3. "I think that everyone's happiness in a relationship depends critically on who the other person is and how he/she feels. It's just the nature of relationships." - Nope. It does in part, but a lot of success and happiness in relationships depends on you as well, and the expectations and assumptions you bring to it. I've been in a long-term relationship for 15 years and married for 4.
4. You seem to believe that you need to find someone who is almost exactly like you in order for things to work out. That's not necessarily true. There may be lots of people who have been in a few relationships or even have been married before but realized they were trapped in relationships that didn't work for them and are starting over. There are lots of people who may have changed their personality or behaviors drastically and are figuring out who they are socially again. This goes back to #1, about not making assumptions about people before you get the chance to get to know them.
5. I have to say, this emphasis on childishness and youth is really putting me off. Forgive me, but it sounds a bit creepy, honestly. You're not a child; it is very possible to be curious and vibrant and energetic and bright without being childlike, and there's no such think as a childlike romantic relationship. I'm assuming that you are an adult; you may not be as emotionally mature as other people are, but you don't want a childlike relationship. Relatedly,
6. As an adult, the chances of you finding this:
Basically, I'm envisioning someone for whom the whole idea of having a guy like her whom she likes back as being kind of "mythical", because it's something she's never experienced. Like, the girls around her have had boyfriends, but she never thought she'd have one herself. When a guy (hopefully me) finally likes her whom she like back, it would be an almost otherworldly experience.
are pretty small. Adults are, on average, more subdued than teenagers because they have learned how to deal with their emotions better, through experience. That doesn't mean that the answer is to seek out younger people, for a variety of reasons. More importantly, I think you need to examine why it's so important to you that the other person in your relationship is having the same kind of reactions and feelings to the relationship. Think about this: Would it be enough to you if you were dating someone that was simply happy to be with you and had a great time with you every time you were together? Why is it important that she finds you "mythical" or "otherworldly" (which is bordering on fantasy-land kind of desires, here)? Because this


Is honestly not a particularly good answer. It's as if you don't want to be forced to deal with managing your emotional maturation as an adult...but you can't avoid that. You also cannot rely on your romantic partner to protect you from feeling awkward or out of place with adults. Going into a relationship with that kind of expectation is what I was referring to in #3 - that's the kind of thing that can ruin a relationship no matter how great your partner is, because you weigh it down with unrealistic expectations for what she can do with you. In order to go into a relationship with good chances of success, YOU have to already feel confident and ready and positive about yourself. If you are going in seeking validation for your awkwardness, you're starting off behind.
To that end, I agree with the above advice that you have to do well in other successful relationships before a romantic one, and the most important one is with yourself. You have to feel positive and amazing about yourself before you can go into a relationship expecting it to work out.
I recommend asking Captain Awkward for advice - or at least reading her archives. She would give you really excellent advice.


That IS fetishistic. It's also stereotypical. If you know that it is extreme stereotyping, stop doing it.

To balance out this advice, I'd like to present a more idealistic view: many students cannot afford to buy their own copies of the essential literature and some professors recognize this. I know that whenever my advisor suggests that a student (especially an undergraduate student working on research with us) references a certain key book, my advisor always offers to lend their own copy, or in some cases, even buy a copy for the student to borrow. I have noticed that on many occasions now that my advisor is deliberate in making this offer immediately after suggesting the book, before the student feels the need to ask for help in obtaining a copy.
I think it's important for academics, especially those in positions of power, to remember that not everyone comes from a background where they are able to buy their own textbooks and have a healthy library. So, those who recognize this will try to avoid giving advice or making passing remarks that could come off as "If you don't have your own version of this book, you're not a real scientist/historian/sociologist etc.".
I want to also emphasize that I am not disagreeing with Sigaba here, and I'm also not trying to undermine your advice!! I know we do not exist in an ideal world and Sigaba is right that the "critical glance" is something we should be wary of and Sigaba is spot on that it's really important to frame your request appropriately. The only reason I put my response here is to provide an additional viewpoint since I would advocate that academia in general moves away from the ivory tower and become more open and understanding of the diverse backgrounds of all researchers. That is, I acknowledge the reality that academia is not like this, but I want to also nurture the hope that we can do something to make a difference in the future.

I'd report the second set. The writing score is decent either way, but the verbal looks impressive and the quant less distracting.

I agree with butterfly_effect. The first step is to see if there is a way to make it work at your current program. Are you in the wrong subfield? Are there other subfields at your university that you can potentially work in or find professors from that you could do research with? What about other departments?
More details would be helpful, but you certainly can't just drop out and pretend like you never went there. Academia is a small world, and especially if you stay in psychology (and especially within school psychology) it may come out sooner or later. Instead you want to write a compelling narrative about why the program is not a good fit for you. And if you drop out just a month in, then yes, you will look like a program hopper. I think you need to stick with it for at least a semester (preferably a year) so you can speak to why it's not a good fit.

This is an interesting perspective. I always ensure I thank everyone even for normal behaviour. e.g. When I ask the admin staff to process a reimbursement for me, although it's part of their job, I always thank them for it. I thank the bus driver when I get off the bus, even though it's part of their job. To me, I don't see a problem with recognizing people and commending them for doing what they are supposed to be doing. I know that when I get a thank-you for doing my job, it feels nice that my work is being acknowledged. And, maybe openly recognizing and commending/rewarding good behaviour (even if it's expected of you) is probably the best way to encourage certain actions in academia, since we're not in a setting where disciplinary measures are taken to ensure good behaviour. 

If you are asked for a number to the tenths decimal place, then the only correct representation of 3.89 is 3.9. 

LORs are still one of the best options, but if you never shared this with anyone (which I'm sorry to hear! it would have been helpful for your well-being to have someone on-campus who is aware and able to support you when needed), then perhaps you don't want to start now. 
So leaving that aside, depending on how much you want to write, you could have a 1-2 sentence statement in your SOP that simply states that a death of a parent in your freshman year and the illness of the other more recently have affected your trajectory in school both in prolonging the time it took you to choose a major and in affecting your grades, but nonetheless you have done your best to pull through, as evidenced by your grades and [other credentials]. Alternatively if you wanted to say a bit more, you might consider having a short addendum to the SOP that would be basically a stand-alone (short) document where you would tell your story. Basically a version of the one paragraph you have here is all you'll need. And yes, it won't suddenly make you a top candidate, but it will most certainly put your grades in perspective and if you have strong LORs and experience, I think it might make you a quite attractive candidate. I am certainly impressed with your mature writing and your apparent ability to persevere through terrible personal circumstances. 

My opinion is no. Fix it for other applications, but this is unlikely to make a difference. I think asking to resubmit will draw even more attention to it and could potentially hurt you because it might indicate that you are focussing too much on details that do not matter.
But again, this is just my opinion based on what I think is important in my field. Get other opinions too

I don't think you need to tell your recommenders. You'll already be telling the schools that ask on their applications and I think that's all you need to do. Schools are looking to recommenders to speak to your ability to do research/think creatively/etc., not to go into all the details of your application.

First of all, this whole dating undergrads goal you have is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not saying you are going to intentionally try to have some sort of skewed power dynamic, but that's what you're describing. You have to be very careful about this (and I would say don't do it at all), because you are older, you are in a position of authority over undergraduates, and it's possible that your goals in this relationship would be very damaging to the trust and open communication you should have in a relationship.
 
As well, your assumption that someone who isn't familiar with the "male body" and has some kind of "otherworldly fascination" with all things new and sexual is wrong as well. Many guys I've spoken to have some form of insecurity or jealousy when it comes to sex. Some even go so far as to not date women that have had sex with other people, even after they themselves are not virgins (I guess this is what you're saying?). Now this is completely hypocritical, I hope you realize.
 
It's also not necessary that someone have no experience for them to be attracted to you, to have some kind of childlike wonder (a really creepy term to use in this discussion), or to feel some exciting crush with butterflies in your stomach and all that. I feel that about my boyfriend of 2.5 years, and it's nowhere near the first relationship I've had.
 
"Interestingly, quite a few girls that have been interested in me have been like 180 degrees from that, like having almost exaggeratedly grown-up-womanish features. Grad school for some weird and inexplicable reason seems to attract these sorts of women too--except for the Asians. I know this is extreme stereotyping but it's something I notice, especially when I compare them to the undergrads at the same university.
I also fear that the type I mentioned in the beginning--the ones who find the idea of having a boyfriend almost "mythical", are likely to be hideous and/or have really ugly personalities. In one way it kind of makes sense--why would I be the first guy to like a girl--though on the other hand my lack of dating has had to do with introversion and illness--two things that have nothing to do with my attractiveness per se. A female counterpart of me might have just been late to "get the memo" that people around her had started dating."
1. I can't believe people in grad school (who are generally older) look older than people in undergrad (who are generally younger). It's not extreme stereotyping (except the Asian part), it's just how aging changes your face.
2. This theory you have about finding relationships "mythical" and being "hideous and/or really ugly in their personality" is absolutely wrong. There are many people who are very attractive (in looks and personality, if this is the only requirement) who have not had relationships before. You don't know what experiences they have had, and again you're falling prey to this fallacy that you're so special and no one else has experienced this before. You touch on this point, but you don't seem to recognize that it's completely wrong. As well, people can be unattractive to YOU, while being attractive to others. You can also have a relationship, even if you are unattractive. Your constant talk about women's looks, their inexperience, and how special you want to be to them just reeks of unstable and insecure masculinity.
 
 
"I think I kind of had four things that I listed as important in a partner:
1) Someone who is new to relationships, like myself, and wants a more childlike and playful relationship
2) Someone who is introverted and intellectual, but not a rival/in the same field
3) Someone I find physically and emotionally (in terms of "raw" mannerisms and the like) attractive to me
4) Someone who fits, logistically and practically speaking, into my life."
1. For you two to be compatible, you need not have the same level of experience. If it's a good relationship, it's childlike and playful (if that's what the two people want). You mentioned not wanting to be so professional and serious in your relationship. Well I'm here to tell you that it's possible - relationships are not like going to an academic talk. They're fun, you can laugh and play and run around and go on the swings and act like kids and no one should judge you. Even if you're in a relationship with someone who has been in a relationship before. My most childlike and playful relationship is my current one, technically eight years after my first (middle-school type) relationship and four years after my more serious first relationship.
2. Your concern about the person being a rival shows me that you are still a bit confused about how relationships work. Or you're very insecure about competing with people. Either way, this needs to be dealt with before you get into any kind of relationship. If not, this will all be raising some serious red flags for the people you're dating. If it doesn't raise serious red flags for them, I would be surprised.
3. This is very important. However, you can not limit yourself, and don't think your level of attraction to the person when you first meet will be related to how attracted you are to them later on. Things really change as a relationship develops, and for me the best relationships where my attraction got stronger were never the ones in which I was most attracted to the person at the beginning. Because then you can only go down from there!
4. I agree with this. This is absolutely important as well. I strongly believe that most undergraduates would not meet this.
 
So generally, please, please don't start dating until you've dealt with these personal issues and these dangerous misconceptions about women, relationships, and compatibility. All I see coming out of this if you start dating without facing and eliminating these issues is a dangerously power imbalanced relationship where you unknowingly end up taking advantage of the other person, all the while trying to stay special/important to them. And that will not be good.

Or that if Sarah has been manipulating results to produce negatives, who says she isn't doing the opposite too? And that would blow back on the professor.
When you have time and space, I would encourage you to reflect on how you handled this politically. My read is: not particularly well. Not that you should have - this isn't something we're trained explicitly for. But remember the lessons going forward.

@ssfgrad thank you for the update. It sounds like you made the right decision at this point in time. Your mental health is more important than a graduate student position in a toxic lab. I hope that once you've recovered a little, you can find a way to join another university and get the education that you desire in a better-suited environment. From all that you write, I have no doubt that you will be successful. Please do come back and update us if and when you have news. I hope it's all good from here on out. 

I would probably not respond to such an email, especially given the updated information in your second post. However, I would like to say that while there is nothing wrong with using your laptop in class if the professor allows it, I do think it is much more considerate to the other students in the class if you do not sit in the front row when doing so. The exception to this would be if the majority of the class is using their laptop to take notes, which I suppose is much more common than in my field (usually, at most one student is using a laptop in my classes). Still, I think if you plan on doing anything other than taking notes, it is less distracting to the other students if you sit nearer the back - seeing the screen changing can interrupt my focus even if I am trying to ignore it, and I imagine I'm not the only one. Your suggestion that the complaining student should sit in the front row as well so that they cannot see you is assuming that they are the only person distracted by your screen.

I don't see any way out of this. External circumstances or not, you kind of screwed yourself. 

There's some great advice already here on this thread, but to address more of the social/friendship part of your question: your cohort is a GREAT way to form quick and powerful bonds. At my program, we had a teaching practicum before the official semester began, and we bonded in those two weeks and, even though we're all in different tracks of the English program, we continue to go out together on the weekends, hang out in our offices between classes, grab a drink on Wednesday nights because we otherwise might explode, go grocery shopping together, go read together in the library, etc.
I've found that people tend to be very social and welcoming to others (at least where I am), so if/when someone/a group asks you to study with them, grab a coffee with them, etc., GO! Even if you don't know if you all "click," give it a try. There are some people in my program I hung out with in the beginning and haven't really hung out with since because I found others who better fit my personality type/shared my interests, and that just happens naturally. Sometimes you just "click" with people. You make each other laugh, you start creating inside jokes, you feel comfortable around them, you want to hang out with them outside class and outside school, you tell them your problems, they tell you their problems, they're sympathetic to you, etc. I suppose that can be said about romantic relationships as well, but even at the friend level, I find that it all just sort of happens. You don't necessarily look for it, but you need to be ready for it in case it happens.
Grad school is weird because it's so intense and there's lots of pressure and work, but the people in your program understand that better than anyone, so they're great to hang out with. Margarita Mondays with my cohort is something very near and dear to my heart, and it's the little things that bring people together and make their shared graduate experience more pleasant and enjoyable.

No, don't do this. It will give the impression that you are trying to seek an advantage by forming a direct connection with the admissions committee.
What you could do instead, if it's the norm in your field, is to email professors who study the subject areas you would want to do your PhD with and let them know about your interest. This Skype meeting or phone call can also help you decide if you would get along with this person and can help you decide whether or not you would want to apply there. Don't bring up the admissions committee question and don't worry whether or not they are on it. The point of the conversation is for you to find out whether the school/prof is a good fit for you.

If you can find another internship, that seems to me like a good solution. I suppose you wouldn't want to switch more than once (if you can help it), but leaving a place for reasons of 'incompatibility' or some such would probably not raise too many red flags if you are successful at the next internship. I'd definitely look into that before choosing to leave the program and give up altogether. 

From your descriptions, two things come to mind:
1. It sounds like you are saying that you have a really strong need to be important/significant. For example, you feel disoriented when you aren't the foremost expert in your field in the room. You want to be unique/special in a romantic way to a potential partner. Being important / making a difference in a world is a common human need. I feel that your expression of this need is more extreme. Of course, it's your life and your choices, but may I suggest a slightly different perspective? You want your potential partner to have "otherworldly" experiences about you because you want your own experiences reciprocated. But how about another thought: you and your partner can still have "otherworldly" experiences even if the reason for these experiences are completely different. You might be feeling this because it's your first significant relationship and they might be interested in you because you are interesting in other ways! 
2. It also sounds to me like you are saying that your ability to be happy in a relationship depends on how things that should be completely out of your control. You cannot choose how another person feels about you or how they act. It may not be healthy to depend on how others feel in order to gain satisfaction or happiness. From your description, it almost sounds like you are already crafting the "perfect partner" in your head and now you are trying to find people and then you want them to become this idealized perfect partner. I would advise against this. For a scientific analogy, this would be similar to pre-selecting the conclusion/experimental outcome you want ahead of time and then trying to design the perfect experiment that produces the outcome you want! 
This is why many people have continually suggest that you reconsider these impossibly high "standards" you set for a potential partner (and also all the perceived "barriers" you set up for yourself that might not actually exist in reality). You have all these expectations and needs out of life that aren't realistic because they are not things you can choose (e.g. how another person feels) and it's not likely you will be able to both identify someone that meets all of these things without getting to know them more casually first. Also, as you have said before, you are inexperienced. So, you may find what you want/need will change as you gain more experiences.

I think you're severely overestimating how many people had some traditional middle/high school "typical" relationship. And how impactful that experience is on the rest of us.
 

I guess I'll be the person that speaks up about this, but...all your posts seem really off (for lack of a better word). 
It seems really condescending..like everything you're saying seems really condescending. Before branching into relationships, I think you should work on just basic social interaction with people first because you kind of lack a little bit of empathy, respect, and tact.
Just my two cents. 
P.S. why even hook up with people you find repulsive? A pity fuck? Cause that's pretty gross on your part.

I think that while a lot of these tips have good intentions behind them, I think a lot of them are clouded by the expectation that all applicants should already know the "social norms" of an academic department and somehow know how things are "supposed" to happen. I second much of AP's response and thoughts.
I also want to go further and say that "tips" like this are actually harmful to academia. I encourage you, @GradSecretary, to speak more with students to learn about their perspective and maybe why they do some of these things that (understandably) frustrate you. Not just international students, but many American students who are new to academia will not know how academic departments work. I know that many of the things you write about here were unknown to me when I started undergraduate studies. I am the first person in my family to go to any sort of University and I learned a lot about what is normal and expected for academics through my undergraduate mentor and advisor. However, I know that many others like me did not have the same benefit and learning, but that doesn't mean they are less qualified for graduate school.
At my school, there is a concentrated effort by students, faculty and administrators to create better pathways for students to apply to our school, especially students without prior experience with how North American academic institutions work. This means that we care about helping students who will make a lot of the mistakes that frustrate you from the list without knowing that they are mistakes. Our goal is to encourage them to apply and not judge them based on things that they cannot possibly know. And to be honest, knowing whether or not emailing the department head is the correct thing to do isn't a pre-requisite to graduate school. This is something you learn after entering grad school, not before. 
Finally, in the spirit of your list, I have compiled a similar list from the international student's point of view when emailing department staff. I don't mean this as an attack on you, but with the idea of "if you can dish it, you can take it" and with the intention of asking you to consider the other side, here are my "tips":
My name may not follow North American standards, please don't assume the first part of my name is my legal first name and the last part is my legal last name. My country may refer to each other as LastName Firstname. If you are not sure how to address me, you can always just ask. Or, you can copy whatever I sign my message with. Please understand that just as you may be confused with how to address me, I am confused as how to address others in North American culture.  Please understand that other countries and departments have different hierarchies. In many places, grad students are indeed hired by the school and sometimes the person doing the "hiring" is the department, not professors. In the case that I have mistaken you for a faculty member, please gently correct me. Please understand that the application process can be completely foreign and new to me. I may not be sure the correct person to send a query so I might ask multiple people to ensure the right person gets the message. I don't expect to skip any chain of command when writing to the department head. However, when I go on most academic department websites  and look for someone to be the "face" of the department, this person is usually the department head. Please understand that I may not be familiar with North American academic culture and I may not understand that the department head is a very busy and important person whose main jobs are internal matters instead of directly communicating with prospective students. As an outsider, it might make the most sense to contact the person "in charge". You can help us learn this by gently correcting us, or even better, suggesting a change to the department website that makes it more clear where to direct our queries. Please carefully read the emails I send. English may not be my first language, so please be generous in your interpretation. I might not use the right words so my writing might appear childish, or awkward, or maybe abrupt/impolite. I may only know the dictionary definitions of some words, and not the connotations that come with use of certain words. With some time and attention to your communication, you will receive better information from me and I will be able to comply with your instructions better. If you find that I am having trouble understanding what to do, please consider asking me to confirm understanding and consider rethinking your own word choice to ensure there is clear communication for a non-native speaker. Certain idioms, expressions and abbreviations may be very confusing. In particular, please be explicit in your communication because what makes sense to you may not make sense to me. I don't expect your grammar to be perfect. However, writing sentences that help non-native speakers and those who are unfamilair with academic culture understand can go a long way in getting what you need/want from me. Please understand that moving to a new country, or a new city for the first time can be very scary. Many of us are moving out of our hometown for the very first time in our life. We don't mean to use you as our sole lifeline and support, but often, you are the first person we have had contact with and maybe the only person we have talked to about anything outside of research or academics. Sometimes the materials that the college sends us gets lost in the mail or arrives at our old home way after we have already moved. Or, sometimes, in the stress of moving and changing homes, we forgot about an old email or message that you have helpfully sent. Please be understanding and remind us about existing resources or point us to new ones. Just a few suggestions to make your department more welcoming and to help us understand you better, which should also make your life easier! Please remember that very few applicants want to intentionally piss people off. Often, if we do something strange, it is because we do not know what else to do and are seeking help.

I suppose I’m somewhat more sympathetic to the University of Chicago’s position. While I’m not against the use of trigger warnings per se and I do thing Chicago could have approached the topic better, it strikes me that their message is not so much an attack on a particular pedagogical practice as a statement that they are unwilling to condone the sort of shenanigans and serious attacks on academic freedom and intellectual integrity that have gone on in the past few years.
 
Consider:
-The Kipnis affair at Northwestern (http://jezebel.com/feminist-students-protest-feminist-prof-for-writing-abo-1707714321)
-Columbia students demant trigger warnings for greek mythology: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/05/14/columbia-students-claim-greek-mythology-needs-a-trigger-warning/
-Identity politics run amok at Oberlin (http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/05/30/the-new-activism-of-liberal-arts-colleges) and Wesleyan (https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2015/09/23/wesleyan-students-boycott-campus-newspaper-threaten-funding)
-Speakers being disinvited or disrupted for holding unappealing views at Cardiff (http://www.politics.co.uk/comment-analysis/2015/10/28/comment-the-attack-on-germaine-greer-shows-identity-politics), Yale (http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/11/the-new-intolerance-of-student-activism-at-yale/414810/), and Brown (http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/06/brown-university-professor-denounces-mccarthy-witch-hunts.html)
 
And this is all in the past two years!
 
So while I agree that we ought to approach difficult topics with caution and let students make informed decisions about what is best for them and their intellectual development (and perhaps trigger warning are an effective way to do this). I can understand Chicago’s position and see it as taking a stand for academic freedom and the free exchange of ideas, and I rather appreciate their reluctance to get pulled into the muck that these cases demonstrate.
 
Indeed, I tend to think that a lot of the above problems come from the increasingly consumerist approach to higher education that exists in this country where students see colleges and universities as offering a service and thus have the right to complain and demand change when the service doesn’t match their perceived needs and desires. I think there are some strengths to this approach but a number of risks as well. I certainly don’t know the best way to handle these difficulties and I’m not convinced that Chicago has the right approach, but I do appreciate them taking a stand.
Two other pieces of food for thought:
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/253641-obama-hits-coddled-liberal-college-students
http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/189543/trigger-warnings-on-campus

I don't think the overlap you postulate in the first paragraph is anywhere close to perfect. Yet even if they google, it remains substantially different than standing up before your class on the first day and saying, in effect, "Before we begin, it's important for you to know I'm not a real professor." 

Undergraduates are friends, not food!

Yep. But I think that, for the purpose of this conversation, the distinction is important.