A. sesquipedale

Nice everyone! Keep 'em coming for the laughs. I made a few more:
11. Chuck Norris is the only tenured professor who publishes nothing but photocopies of his fists.

12. Professors have beards because they want to be more like Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris: “If you think you understand the Roundhouse Kick, you don’t understand the Roundhouse Kick.”

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to mail his GRE scores. He merely picks up copies and throws them in the general direction of each school, and they arrive.

16. Chuck Norris would never write an SOP because it is also a noun. Sop: a weak-willed and spineless person. If Norris so much as wrote these three letters down, the sheer contradiction of his awesome power with such a weak word would cause the universe to implode.

17. The Big Bang was really Chuck Norris trying something new on his Bunsen burner in science class. Oh, a universe. Oops.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't fill out snail mail or online applications. He communicates his apps right to the dean telepathically.

19. Chuck Norris experiments on his own brain by punching himself in the head through his skull and pinching individual neurons till they fire so he can see the effect on his behavior. As of this date each of the 30,000 neurons studied all activate the Roundhouse Kick.

20. Chuck Norris couldn’t bring his own hands into the ETS testing center because they are more advanced mathematical tools than any known calculator.

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t apply for grants. He applies for wishes, and they are granted.

2. Chuck Norris doesn’t struggle with cognitive dissonance, the entire universe conforms to his troubled views until there is resolution.

3. Chuck Norris is made up of a 100 trillion tiny Chuck Norrises all functioning not so he can survive and reproduce, but so that he can Chuck Norris.

4. Darwin almost named his book, On the Origin of Norris

5. Chuck Norris doesn’t use statistics, because he doesn’t have to run a study, because he doesn’t have to know, because he already does.

6. There is no homunculus that gives rise to consciousness; there is only a tiny Chuck Norris living in every brain.

7. Chuck Norris is his own dissertation committee.

8. Chuck Norris is universally rejected from every school he applies to because no one can afford his $1,337 a minute stipend.

9. Chuck Norris is going to grad school to study Chuck Norris, for which he has already been told he will win the Nobel Prize.

10. Chuck Norris only attends a university if they are willing to change their name to the Iniversity of Norris.

Wow I feel so corny! But that was fun, thanks for the thread

"Guys listen up. Jeez Janice, is that your fifth cup of coffee? It's been a long day Bill, back off. Yes it has, It's been quite long. We've gone over at least a hundred applications...I'M HUNGRY CAN WE GO? Hold on Bartholomew, please don't interrupt. BUT I'M...As I was saying ...hungry AS I WAS SAYING, we've gone over at least a hundred applications but we've this last one for the day. Sesquipedale, hmm, ha. What is, haha, what is he, hahaha. What is he saying? Janice read this.We better save this and post it online as an example. This is brilliant, just what we needed. Call him and ask if we may. The web page will read: how NOT to apply to grad school. See if he will waive the rights to his application so we can post it online as a scarecrow to deter other silly applicants from wasting our time."

"Guys listen up. Jeez Janice, is that your fifth cup of coffee? It's been a long day Bill, back off. Yes it has, It's been quite long. We've gone over at least a hundred applications...I'M HUNGRY CAN WE GO? Hold on Bartholomew, please don't interrupt. BUT I'M...As I was saying ...hungry AS I WAS SAYING, we've gone over at least a hundred applications but we've this last one for the day. Sesquipedale, hmm, ha. What is, haha, what is he, hahaha. What is he saying? Janice read this.We better save this and post it online as an example. This is brilliant, just what we needed. Call him and ask if we may. The web page will read: how NOT to apply to grad school. See if he will waive the rights to his application so we can post it online as a scarecrow to deter other silly applicants from wasting our time."

"Guys listen up. Jeez Janice, is that your fifth cup of coffee? It's been a long day Bill, back off. Yes it has, It's been quite long. We've gone over at least a hundred applications...I'M HUNGRY CAN WE GO? Hold on Bartholomew, please don't interrupt. BUT I'M...As I was saying ...hungry AS I WAS SAYING, we've gone over at least a hundred applications but we've this last one for the day. Sesquipedale, hmm, ha. What is, haha, what is he, hahaha. What is he saying? Janice read this.We better save this and post it online as an example. This is brilliant, just what we needed. Call him and ask if we may. The web page will read: how NOT to apply to grad school. See if he will waive the rights to his application so we can post it online as a scarecrow to deter other silly applicants from wasting our time."

"Guys listen up. Jeez Janice, is that your fifth cup of coffee? It's been a long day Bill, back off. Yes it has, It's been quite long. We've gone over at least a hundred applications...I'M HUNGRY CAN WE GO? Hold on Bartholomew, please don't interrupt. BUT I'M...As I was saying ...hungry AS I WAS SAYING, we've gone over at least a hundred applications but we've this last one for the day. Sesquipedale, hmm, ha. What is, haha, what is he, hahaha. What is he saying? Janice read this.We better save this and post it online as an example. This is brilliant, just what we needed. Call him and ask if we may. The web page will read: how NOT to apply to grad school. See if he will waive the rights to his application so we can post it online as a scarecrow to deter other silly applicants from wasting our time."

Nice everyone! Keep 'em coming for the laughs. I made a few more:
11. Chuck Norris is the only tenured professor who publishes nothing but photocopies of his fists.

12. Professors have beards because they want to be more like Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris: “If you think you understand the Roundhouse Kick, you don’t understand the Roundhouse Kick.”

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to mail his GRE scores. He merely picks up copies and throws them in the general direction of each school, and they arrive.

16. Chuck Norris would never write an SOP because it is also a noun. Sop: a weak-willed and spineless person. If Norris so much as wrote these three letters down, the sheer contradiction of his awesome power with such a weak word would cause the universe to implode.

17. The Big Bang was really Chuck Norris trying something new on his Bunsen burner in science class. Oh, a universe. Oops.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't fill out snail mail or online applications. He communicates his apps right to the dean telepathically.

19. Chuck Norris experiments on his own brain by punching himself in the head through his skull and pinching individual neurons till they fire so he can see the effect on his behavior. As of this date each of the 30,000 neurons studied all activate the Roundhouse Kick.

20. Chuck Norris couldn’t bring his own hands into the ETS testing center because they are more advanced mathematical tools than any known calculator.

Maybe the OP is like me and finds an apartment that is clean, has walls, and kitchen without the threat of people breaking in every day as nice? IDK. I realize that when I say I want "a nice apartment", I do confuse some people. Those who know me understand my thriftyness to the point of being stingy, so they realize that I can deal with something a bit ugly as long as it is clean. Nice for me is just a quiet, relatively safe (I'm a single woman, so this is a priority), and clean place.

Dude. Suck it up and get a roommate.

Actually, I take it back. Pile on tons of debt and dig your own grave.

You're not even attending yet and your username is gradschoolstinks? You feel entitled to a solo place... for what reason? You can't stand the thought of rooming with someone?

The negativity! It burns!

Hey folks,

I hope everyone is doing OK. I just thought it would be a good idea to create this resource for future cohorts. Feel free to chime in with wisdom, indignation, or both.

I'll take the liberty of getting the ball rolling by offering the following advice:

1. Get used to rejection. This is the law in academia.
2. Know beforehand whether your POI is accepting students. It would be a waste of money and time to apply to work with a POI who wasn't mentoring any students.
3. Practice self-compassion. Self-criticism achieves nothing in the long run.
4. Understand that your success probably matters less on where you go than on who you are. Ultimately, your passion, creativity, perseverance, originality and cogency of your ideas, technical proficiency, body of knowledge, and rapport with colleagues will play a larger role in your success than simply the program you attend.
5. Make sure that you have a good reason for applying to a program--as well as a good reason for not applying to one. There are lots of excellent programs that I bypassed for relatively trifling reasons.
6. Be patient!
7. Yes, fit (defined as compatibility of research interests) predicts success during the admissions process far better than generic excellence.
8. The admissions process is very capricious. Fit, need for students, faculty priority, and funding availability all govern admissions decisions. Recite the serenity prayer if it works for you.

That's it for now. Feel free to disagree. Wishing everyone all the best.

Drop out. You obviously can't handle it.

I just read my feedback from students for my lab instructor position at my MA program and thought it might be helpful to share what I've learned. Feel free to chime in with valuable things you have learned as well!

1. Do not put too much on a Powerpoint - I was advised by my advisor to do no more than 5 lines of text
2. Wait for students to finish writing before verbally expanding on text. Otherwise, they get grumpy
3. Make sure your students know you are available to help. I had most say I was very helpful and easy to get a hold of, and a couple complaints that I helped particular students too much. Really, there are some who ask for help, and some who want help but don't ask. Look out for those who don't ask.
4. Look prepared. Or try to. It's hard the first time around, but it gets better. I think this is more a confidence thing than anything.
5. Make sure students understand the point of the class. I feel some of the feedback I got was due to a misunderstanding of the nature of the course - it was to teach them to write scientifically, not for them (or I!) to be experts on the material
6. When grading, try to find the balance between giving lots of feedback, and getting things back in a timely manner. However, you won't make everyone happy.

I was nervous to see the feedback initially, but I am glad I did now. Some of these things I feel I have improved upon already (Powerpoint-related stuff, seeming more confident/prepared) but some of it was unexpected - the perception of unfair helping, grumbling about me not being an expert on the topics they were writing about. As this quarter ends and I gear up for the next, I know ways I can further improve, and it would have been great to have some of the previous instructors around to give me this advice. So now, I will share it with you all! What have you learned that you found useful or interesting?

Without knowing anything about your program, I can tell you that you will probably spend your first year rotating through different labs before you find a "home" to do your thesis in. Why don't you just ask them? You're in, so you have every right!

Oh, and, calm down They would not have accepted you if they didn't think you could handle it. The admissions committee has been doing this for years and they know what they are looking for. Did you ever get to a class the first day, for example, and when you look at the syllabus you think it is overwhelming? But then, after you've been in that class, you realize that when you take it one day at a time you can handle it. When you looked at that syllabus you were looking at the ENTIRE class, not at each individual day.

Looking at a PhD program can feel like you are looking at that syllabus. You read about rotating/ qual tests/ dissertations... it gets overwhelming. Keep in mind that everything you are looking at is spread out over 5-6 years. I'm not saying it's not a lot of work and it's easy, but you aren't expected to do everything right away. It's a process that many have gone through, and you will be just fine, like most of them were.

YOU GOT IN. CONGRATULATIONS. Now, take it one day at a time, work with your advisor, and enjoy the fact that you got where you wanted to be.

Yo momma so dumb, her undergraduate institution refused to send her transcripts due to pure embarrassment.

Yo momma so dumb AND so fat, she checked that she "gets" Japanese on her applications because she orders it for delivery at least twice a day.

I'll change my religion and try praying to a different god next time around.

Fun thread! Here are a few of my own.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought grad school was short for gradual school, and so at the recruitment weekend she did everything in slow motion. Yeeeeeeeeesss IIIIIIII Woooooouuuuuulllld liiiiiikeeeee aaaaaa broooochuuureeeee.

Yo mama so dumb, she studied 8 months to pass the GRE mouse tutorial by trying to teach her pet mouse math.

Yo mama so hideous, she’s doing her ethology dissertation on all the snakes in her hair.

Yo mama so round, grad students outline her body with a giant pencil to draw perfect circles.

Yo mama so fat, she had to book two simultaneous appointments to take the GRE.

Nice everyone! Keep 'em coming for the laughs. I made a few more:
11. Chuck Norris is the only tenured professor who publishes nothing but photocopies of his fists.

12. Professors have beards because they want to be more like Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris: “If you think you understand the Roundhouse Kick, you don’t understand the Roundhouse Kick.”

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to mail his GRE scores. He merely picks up copies and throws them in the general direction of each school, and they arrive.

16. Chuck Norris would never write an SOP because it is also a noun. Sop: a weak-willed and spineless person. If Norris so much as wrote these three letters down, the sheer contradiction of his awesome power with such a weak word would cause the universe to implode.

17. The Big Bang was really Chuck Norris trying something new on his Bunsen burner in science class. Oh, a universe. Oops.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't fill out snail mail or online applications. He communicates his apps right to the dean telepathically.

19. Chuck Norris experiments on his own brain by punching himself in the head through his skull and pinching individual neurons till they fire so he can see the effect on his behavior. As of this date each of the 30,000 neurons studied all activate the Roundhouse Kick.

20. Chuck Norris couldn’t bring his own hands into the ETS testing center because they are more advanced mathematical tools than any known calculator.

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t apply for grants. He applies for wishes, and they are granted.

2. Chuck Norris doesn’t struggle with cognitive dissonance, the entire universe conforms to his troubled views until there is resolution.

3. Chuck Norris is made up of a 100 trillion tiny Chuck Norrises all functioning not so he can survive and reproduce, but so that he can Chuck Norris.

4. Darwin almost named his book, On the Origin of Norris

5. Chuck Norris doesn’t use statistics, because he doesn’t have to run a study, because he doesn’t have to know, because he already does.

6. There is no homunculus that gives rise to consciousness; there is only a tiny Chuck Norris living in every brain.

7. Chuck Norris is his own dissertation committee.

8. Chuck Norris is universally rejected from every school he applies to because no one can afford his $1,337 a minute stipend.

9. Chuck Norris is going to grad school to study Chuck Norris, for which he has already been told he will win the Nobel Prize.

10. Chuck Norris only attends a university if they are willing to change their name to the Iniversity of Norris.

Wow I feel so corny! But that was fun, thanks for the thread

All I can say is, I can only hope that my competition does just these things during my interview session. Sure would make the adcom's decision easier!

Chuck Norris's acceptance letter:

Dear Mr. Norris,


On behalf of the graduate admissions committee for University X (half of which is still recovering in the hospital from your interview) we are pleased (scared) to offer you a place in our 2011 entering class. By your (rather stern) request, we have not accepted any other applicants and will be combining these unused funds to award you one rather large stipend (although we are taking out $20K to help pay for the medical bills of our Dean since you put him in a coma). We were impressed (intimidated) by your application and feel you will offer a lot (please don't hurt us) to our community. Please let us know of your final decision by April 15th (we mean, if you can, no, really, no rush...) and we sincerely hope you give serious consideration to our offer (we are scared that you might actually accept).


Since you never provided us with an address, we hope this carrier pigeon was successful in locating you. Please accept this $10,000 check as a peace offering.


Cordially Yours,
the Admissions Committee


PS. The renovation project (which you initiated by tearing down the walls in our laboratories) will be finished by the time you matriculate.

skkkkkkkkttttt...Charlie Mike Uniform, what's my status, do you copy, over? skkkkkkkktttt

If you're applying to any of the programs I have listed below, here's my advice:

1) Show up drunk. I don't mean have one or two at the bar before you show up - I mean start drinking at 7am so that you're absolutely blitzed when you get there. This will help with the nerves and make the faculty like you.

2) Who doesn't like t-shirt tuxedos? Wear one. And shorts - jean cut-offs if you have them. If not, Umbros are pretty fancy. You're dressing for success here and you want to let them know you're serious.

3) Mock the professor while they ask you a question. Repeat exactly what they're saying to you in a stupid voice while making crazy facial gestures. The faculty will eat this up. Who doesn't want a jokester in their program?

4) Disregard fuzzylogician's advice. If you don't know, it's time to turn the BS on. This will show them you're prepared for the wide world of academia. As long as it sounds convincing, you're home free. Another tactic is to answer all questions with "That's what she said."

5) Also concerning fuzzylogician's advice: if you don't understand their question (or even if you do), just answer one nobody asked. As long as you use the field's buzz words, you're bound to hit on the right answer somewhere. When the professor tries to stop your speech, don't take no for an answer. Hold up your finger or wave your hand dismissively, then sit back in your chair, gaze at the ceiling, and continue with your monologue.

6) Talk about the great offers you just got from the other schools on your list. Tell them a small fee might be able to retain you.



If you're applying elsewhere, I suggest disregarding my advice entirely.

Oh no. I posted in the Chuck Norris thread. Twice. I'm Dooooooooooooooooomed.

Oh no. I posted in the Chuck Norris thread. Twice. I'm Dooooooooooooooooomed.