ShewantsthePhD101

Also, (heterosexual) men should be interested in women, not girls. I feel like that should be apparent.

They are.
 
It's not the fact that there is an age difference that is the problem anyway. It is the amount of the age difference coupled with how young that makes them. A 70 year old courting a 60 year old is not creepy. A 23 year old seeking out a 13 year old is creepy. 30 to 19 is definitely on the creepy end. At 19 the frontal lobe (the part of the brain that houses the decision making processes) isn't even fully developed. For an adult to intentionally seek out someone a decade their junior when that makes that person a teenager is HIGHLY questionable. Falling for someone younger is one thing. Seeking them out because they are so much younger is another thing entirely. 
There are life experiences and (hopefully) emotional development that create a power imbalance. A 30 year old has been taking responsibility for things such as food, rent, medical care, etc. for several years. A 19 year old (traditionally) still has those things provided for them by their parents or undergrad institution. They are not self-sufficient, which makes them more likely to need their older "partner"'s stability as opposed to desiring it. This makes it significantly easier to control them, as they depend on their partner the same way they depend on their parents - aware that the things they need that their partner provides can be taken away if they "misbehave".
For all intents and purposes, most 19 year olds are still children. They do not have the mental development of adults (no matter how "mature" they seem). They do not have the same responsibilities as adults. They are not allowed to participate in or are capable of many adult activities such as drinking, renting a car, etc. They do not have the life experience to fully understand how the world works. To seek someone so young specifically for their youth is unconscionable. 

@Visualizer As a woman, I am going to be frank with you: much of what you are saying has predatory overtones. I was an undergrad not that long ago, and if a male graduate student had approached me seeking anything simply because I was an undergrad alarm bells would immediately be going off in my head. More than shared mental development is necessary to make a connection with another person. If you "find that you can really hit it off with people" why target a younger demographic? If you're already doing well socially, why change things? Where there is an age difference of any significance (specifically in non-platonic relationships, which you seem to be seeking) there is frequently a power imbalance that could very easily get you into trouble. Listen to the voices in this forum. Find social stimulation elsewhere. Continue to seek help. Seek better help. And do not, under any circumstances, romantically pursue an undergraduate simply because she is younger. That is so inexplicably creepy.

@Adelaide9216 people are getting married older and older nowadays. You are, in no respect, out of time or ruled out from having romantic experiences. <3 Be patient with yourself. And life. One thing at a time.

A POI at my top choice program told me I have a "rich and full file" which is encouraging. I've been exercising more regularly and eating better. I've got a date next week. And I'm pretty sure I aced my midterms.

I GOT MY FIRST ACCEPTANCE TODAY!!!!!!!!

...why do some schools take so long to notify rejections? If a school didn't want a student, wouldn't telling them that right away be the kind/sensible/easy thing to do? Why notify rejections eons after acceptances?

I dreamed I got into my top program, woke up, knew that couldn't be right, went back to sleep, dreamed I was waistlisted.

There's a quote from Louis C.K. that I think is applicable here:
“The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.”
My first year of grad school I was getting $3000 less in aid per quarter than everyone else in my cohort because I screwed up my FAFSA. I was broke. Constantly. So I rarely went out. Everyone else also complained of being broke but went out much more frequently. At the time I didn't know about our financial discrepancies. I just assumed they were eating fast food less frequently than I was and therefore had more discretionary spending for bigger things.
You're being fairly uncharitable towards those you are in school with. And not everyone's versions of struggling are the same. Playing a pain comparison game and denying them the right to express their own frustration with finances because they *seem* to be better off than you isn't going to win you any friends. You have branded them liars with bad attitudes, it seems, without really getting to know them. You have already decided what type of people they are. So yes. I'd say this is an insecurity on your own part that needs remedied.
Not to be harsh... but i wouldn't want to be friends with someone in my cohort who felt as you do. Anyone who begrudges another person the good things that come their way and assume it means they don't get to have problems also isn't a person I am interested in spending my time with.

@Oklash, First, WOW! You absolutely blow me away. You have worked SO HARD. Way to go! Seriously. You have taken all the right steps and then some.
Second, don't count yourself out. You've still got 3/10 left, and you only need 1!
Third, you've gotta know, academia isn't the end-all be-all of existence. Even once someone gets in it is sososo difficult and discouraging. The job market in the humanities (which is what it seems you're geared towards based on your BAs , even for those with PhDs, is atrocious. And only something like 50% of people admitted to PhDs actually graduate. It is hard. It is exhausting. And it's ok to find something else to do with your life. If doors aren't opening, it's ok to walk on by instead of trying to beat them down.
Fourth, there are also ways to get into research outside of academia. Depending on the kind of research you're interested in, some companies will pay to train people to be analysts. Perhaps try looking into opportunities like that. And no one is stopping you from reading things you're interested in, writing papers from home, and submitting them to journals or publishers as you wish! You can certainly be an academic outside of the formal structure of academia.
Finally, I really urge you to seek some mental help. Suicidal ideation is something that needs to be taken seriously and handled by trained professionals. So many of us in academia deal with mental illness, you've gotta take it seriously and get some help.
Don't make academia your god. She is ruthless, and fickle, and cares naught for those who worship her. 
Good luck with your last 3 apps, and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. We are all sad and stressed. You are not alone.

Yes. Yes it is.
When I have classes with people like this, I wait until the last minute to show up, make sure I sit as far away from them as possible and avoid eye contact when I can. I stay around the other women in the class, do not give them my phone numbers, and generally try to pretend I don't notice them because otherwise I'm worried I'll get followed, spammed with messages etc. I'm 24, but I look like I'm about 19, and I don't want or need this kind of attention.
In undergrad we had a guy in his early 30's getting his BA for the first time, and he was blatantly looking for a wife amongst us 18-19 year olds. I tried to be at a bare minimum not evil towards him because all the other women in my class told him where he could shove his perv attitudes and obsessions. To this day, because I tolerated him 6 years ago, I still get facebook friend requests every couple of months. I finally had to tell him we were not friends then and I have no interest in being friends or anything else now and to please stop trying to add me on facebook, commenting on my comments on mutual friends' pages, etc.
Some men, especially older men who specifically want to date younger girls, do so because they know they don't have the self-esteem or social skills to date someone their own age. Instead of working on getting to that level on their own, they either want to use younger girls to practice their romantic endeavors to "build up" to something more reasonable (like the op saying he'd probably only date the mythical girl who worships his every move for a few months because his romantic curiosity is greater than his attention span...ew) or because they think that a younger woman will not be wise enough or brave enough to notice or call out their inappropriate behaviour. Unfortunately, they're right.
When I meet guys like this in mixed classes (my university has some classes that are undergards-PhDs) I warn the young women who seem open to something to be careful because I've learned first hand what an inconvenience kindness can be. I actually wound up having a guy stalk me for a short while when I was younger because I didn't tell him to shove it when everyone else did. Age differences don't matter as much when the youngest party is 22+ because at that point, they have a little life experience, a little independence, and a more fully developed frontal lobe. But never should a PhD candidate be looking to date undergrads, specifically freshman or sophomores.

Yes. Yes it is.
When I have classes with people like this, I wait until the last minute to show up, make sure I sit as far away from them as possible and avoid eye contact when I can. I stay around the other women in the class, do not give them my phone numbers, and generally try to pretend I don't notice them because otherwise I'm worried I'll get followed, spammed with messages etc. I'm 24, but I look like I'm about 19, and I don't want or need this kind of attention.
In undergrad we had a guy in his early 30's getting his BA for the first time, and he was blatantly looking for a wife amongst us 18-19 year olds. I tried to be at a bare minimum not evil towards him because all the other women in my class told him where he could shove his perv attitudes and obsessions. To this day, because I tolerated him 6 years ago, I still get facebook friend requests every couple of months. I finally had to tell him we were not friends then and I have no interest in being friends or anything else now and to please stop trying to add me on facebook, commenting on my comments on mutual friends' pages, etc.
Some men, especially older men who specifically want to date younger girls, do so because they know they don't have the self-esteem or social skills to date someone their own age. Instead of working on getting to that level on their own, they either want to use younger girls to practice their romantic endeavors to "build up" to something more reasonable (like the op saying he'd probably only date the mythical girl who worships his every move for a few months because his romantic curiosity is greater than his attention span...ew) or because they think that a younger woman will not be wise enough or brave enough to notice or call out their inappropriate behaviour. Unfortunately, they're right.
When I meet guys like this in mixed classes (my university has some classes that are undergards-PhDs) I warn the young women who seem open to something to be careful because I've learned first hand what an inconvenience kindness can be. I actually wound up having a guy stalk me for a short while when I was younger because I didn't tell him to shove it when everyone else did. Age differences don't matter as much when the youngest party is 22+ because at that point, they have a little life experience, a little independence, and a more fully developed frontal lobe. But never should a PhD candidate be looking to date undergrads, specifically freshman or sophomores.

There's a quote from Louis C.K. that I think is applicable here:
“The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.”
My first year of grad school I was getting $3000 less in aid per quarter than everyone else in my cohort because I screwed up my FAFSA. I was broke. Constantly. So I rarely went out. Everyone else also complained of being broke but went out much more frequently. At the time I didn't know about our financial discrepancies. I just assumed they were eating fast food less frequently than I was and therefore had more discretionary spending for bigger things.
You're being fairly uncharitable towards those you are in school with. And not everyone's versions of struggling are the same. Playing a pain comparison game and denying them the right to express their own frustration with finances because they *seem* to be better off than you isn't going to win you any friends. You have branded them liars with bad attitudes, it seems, without really getting to know them. You have already decided what type of people they are. So yes. I'd say this is an insecurity on your own part that needs remedied.
Not to be harsh... but i wouldn't want to be friends with someone in my cohort who felt as you do. Anyone who begrudges another person the good things that come their way and assume it means they don't get to have problems also isn't a person I am interested in spending my time with.

Yes. Yes it is.
When I have classes with people like this, I wait until the last minute to show up, make sure I sit as far away from them as possible and avoid eye contact when I can. I stay around the other women in the class, do not give them my phone numbers, and generally try to pretend I don't notice them because otherwise I'm worried I'll get followed, spammed with messages etc. I'm 24, but I look like I'm about 19, and I don't want or need this kind of attention.
In undergrad we had a guy in his early 30's getting his BA for the first time, and he was blatantly looking for a wife amongst us 18-19 year olds. I tried to be at a bare minimum not evil towards him because all the other women in my class told him where he could shove his perv attitudes and obsessions. To this day, because I tolerated him 6 years ago, I still get facebook friend requests every couple of months. I finally had to tell him we were not friends then and I have no interest in being friends or anything else now and to please stop trying to add me on facebook, commenting on my comments on mutual friends' pages, etc.
Some men, especially older men who specifically want to date younger girls, do so because they know they don't have the self-esteem or social skills to date someone their own age. Instead of working on getting to that level on their own, they either want to use younger girls to practice their romantic endeavors to "build up" to something more reasonable (like the op saying he'd probably only date the mythical girl who worships his every move for a few months because his romantic curiosity is greater than his attention span...ew) or because they think that a younger woman will not be wise enough or brave enough to notice or call out their inappropriate behaviour. Unfortunately, they're right.
When I meet guys like this in mixed classes (my university has some classes that are undergards-PhDs) I warn the young women who seem open to something to be careful because I've learned first hand what an inconvenience kindness can be. I actually wound up having a guy stalk me for a short while when I was younger because I didn't tell him to shove it when everyone else did. Age differences don't matter as much when the youngest party is 22+ because at that point, they have a little life experience, a little independence, and a more fully developed frontal lobe. But never should a PhD candidate be looking to date undergrads, specifically freshman or sophomores.

A POI at my top choice program told me I have a "rich and full file" which is encouraging. I've been exercising more regularly and eating better. I've got a date next week. And I'm pretty sure I aced my midterms.

A POI at my top choice program told me I have a "rich and full file" which is encouraging. I've been exercising more regularly and eating better. I've got a date next week. And I'm pretty sure I aced my midterms.

Seeing Black Panther this weekend!!! 

@E-P BLESS YOU, THIS IS AMAZING!!!

Wait- did you get a Harvard rejection email? Your signature lists it as a rejection?

...I think they'd take no one over someone they initially wanted to reject. Plenty of programs don't accept students every year.

If it helped, my application explicitly said it was awaiting materials and my transcript was missing

I emailed them and it's all fixed!!!

I emailed them and it's all fixed!!!

SAME! Hey, but all we need is one acceptance, and we both have one so far