FishNerd
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Posts posted by FishNerd
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I think it is perfectly acceptable to say that before you make any final decisions you would like to hear back on your other applications.
Also if you want to reach out to your other school(s) then do so. I think that should be okay too as long as you phrase it right. In that email to your other school(s) I would reiterate your continued interest in their school and ask when you might hear more, since, if possible, you would like to visit the school sooner rather than later to aid in your decision making.
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Oh my goodness @renea and @punctilious CONGRATULATIONS! Such awesome news!!!!!
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I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for quite a while now and we got our master's together and now in the fall we will be starting our PhDs together. Since we are both in academia our situation is a little different since we both have times when we are absolutely swamped, so it's really easy to understand that and just let the other person catch up with everything they need to do. But I'm gonna try and give some advice as best I can into how we make it all work.
I think one of the biggest things for us is us trying to make sure we are on the same wake-up and bedtime routine because then that means the times surrounding those times of the day are spent together. Also we really try to make sure we spend time not working after we wake up or before we go to bed and instead enjoy our breakfast and coffee together or enjoy winding down for the night after dinner. I really think if you have the ability to be on a similar schedule as your partner then that allows you to see each other much more frequently through the day. If you aren't on the same schedule you can easily end up just barely missing the opportunity to spend a little time with your partner. I usually wake up when he does (5:30 a.m. )for his 8 a.m. classes even though I don't absolutely need to wake up at that time and I'm totally not a morning person. But this allows us to spend all that time together before we need to leave the house. Also when we are really on top of things that wake up time allows us to work out together in the mornings/meal prep (chop veggies) for that evenings dinner.
I think one of the things that helps us a lot is even if one of us is working at home we try to be in the same room as the other person (unless we do need absolute solitude) so we can still chit chat when the person working needs a break or someone's brain to pick about something. Also while chores aren't fun we try to do them together when we can so we can have the time to catch up during that. We also almost always try to cook dinner together or at the very least eat dinner at the same time. I guess all of my advice so far is to just try and spend time together, even if it is just day-to-day stuff, but I would imagine that doesn't work for those who need a break from their partner now and then (I guess my partner and I do tend to be attached at the hip a bit...) But I do recognize that doing non day-to-day stuff also really helps keep relationships thriving.
For you to be able to do bigger things outside the day-to-day activities together during grad school I think the most important thing is time management. It took me a looooong time to figure out time management during my masters, but once I did, my partner and I were definitely better for it. It did allow us to do non-day-to-day activities more frequently (i.e. going out to eat or to the movies, going fishing or hiking or other things that we enjoy doing together). I find that the best way for us to do these fun activities together was for us to plan on X date to do whatever it was we wanted to do. This allowed me to figure out what I needed to do before that date and usually meant I was very productive in getting things done so I could feel deserved in taking the break with my partner. Basically we had to prioritize spending time together and I think that is maybe one of the most important things we learned during out master's. Of course setting aside a certain date isn't exactly spontaneous and sometimes spontaneity is great for relationships. So at times we would just shirk our responsibilities (when we knew we could get away with it for a day or weekend) and just do whatever the heck we wanted to do besides work even if it just meant a day of Netflix together.
It is absolutely OKAY to not constantly be working during grad school (take some weekends off!) and it's OKAY to take unplanned breaks to have some fun! If you want to go on a vacation with your partner then make those plans and do it! While during grad school you of course have to be productive and get things done in a timely fashion, sometimes you just need to make time for other things because that will ultimately make you a more productive student. When I realized that it was okay to not work all the time, I started to treat my grad school responsibilities as more of a 9 to 5 job (I mean more realistically I was working from ~8 to 6 or 6:30 with a lunch break) and became much more productive. It meant that I needed to make the most of those hours I set aside for work and I did. It meant that I had so much more downtime to look forward and wasn't as likely to goof off at school as I was before. It meant my partner were so much happier because we had made the point to prioritize our life in addition to prioritizing our responsibilities to grad school.
I know this went a bit long but as I was writing it I came to the realization of just how much better off my partner and I were when we better managed our time and prioritized us. I think prioritizing your partner and relationship is one of the biggest things for a relationship to remain on solid ground. It allows your bond to remain strong and by making time for your partner that shows how much you care for them. I know I went a bit stream-of-conscious-y so feel free to ask me to clarify something if its unclear.
- lemma, radicalshelly, TakeruK and 4 others
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So this is in reference to my undergraduate institution which I loved and would rather not specify it's actual name, but it changed it's whole website design since I graduated and the main font they use for all the pages is almost as bad as Comic Sans. See the example below. Who decided this was the font that should dominate the entire website????
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@bpilgrim89 I was just about to say what you said! I was told before entering my master's program that attending a university that didn't have a PhD program in my field meant that professors likely had more time and resources to support master's students and I think that certainly held true for my experiences. In a program where the highest degree being offered is a master's they are more likely to be able to fully fund their students and provide outside resources such as money for conferences.
Of course, I don't think this is entirely universal because my partner, @Melvillage_Idiot, did struggle a bit with finding solid mentorship at times in his department at our master's institution. But I am sure he definitely got some opportunities in that department that he likely wouldn't have gotten in a similar program that also offered PhDs.
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At one of the school websites I was looking at during my PhD search I read about the different levels of stipend for PhD students and they had a similar structure that you talk about. The website said they bump incoming students who have a Masters up to the rate of those who have earned the equivalent of a Masters. Since this and some of the above comments seem to suggest that this happens at some universities, it might not hurt to ask if as an incoming student with a Masters you are eligible for the equivalent pay rate. They may not be able to do that if its not in their policy but I don't think it would hurt to inquire if you approach it right.
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@PsychedSloth You're welcome! Hmmm if your top choice program does interview then maybe it would be a bit odd to be accepted, but I have also heard of schools only interviewing some applicants that end up being accepted and not all. However, if you have a professor who has basically agreed to take you on in their lab previously (if that is something that is done in Psychology?), formal interviews may not be necessary for acceptance. I hope it turns out well for you!
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52 minutes ago, PsychedSloth said:
Is it uncommon for people to get accepted to Master's programs without being interviewed?
I would think a lot of Master's programs don't really do formal interviews as a part of the admissions process based off my experience. My partner (English) and I (Biology) did not interview formally for our acceptances into our master's programs. I did however have to find an advisor who wanted to take me on in their lab.
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Just a heads up about the April 15th deadline - this deadline is only for funded offers. Admissions offers without funding are not a part of the April 15th resolution and can ask for a decision before then. So if it is a funded offer they must give you until April 15th. That is unless they are for some reason not one of the numerous schools who signed and agreed to this resolution - here is the link of the schools who have signed this resolution: http://cgsnet.org/ckfinder/userfiles/files/CGSResolution_RevisedOct2017.pdf
However, if it gets close to March 5th and you still haven't heard back from your top choices you could politely ask for more time to decide since you are waiting to hear about the results of some of your other applications.
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17 hours ago, Bacteria_Guy_95 said:
This year I have learned several things I should have done but didn't know until my applications were already in. I should have emailed the professors I was interested in individually and asked questions regarding funding.
So I'm not sure how it works in Microbiology because I assume lab rotations are more common in that field of biology than mine (ecology and evolution) but I know that contacting professors whose labs I wanted to join was absolutely what made my applications successful.
I know this because several of my applications required me to have previously contacted a professor who I was interested on working with and confirmed that they would potentially want to work with me. Some of my applications explicitly stated that I had to have sponsor in the department for my application. So I know it's probably a little late now, but maybe do some digging to see if there are similar expectations for contacting faculty in Microbiology before applying again. Though I do hope that something still works out for you this go-round!
Even if it's not common in your field to reach out to professors beforehand, it wouldn't hurt to, because like you said funding is very important and that can dictate whether they can take on another student that next year.
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7 hours ago, renea said:
I know though that this time we are not visiting departments together. With work and school it just didn't make sense, plus these visits are already adding up even if the departments are paying for the trips airport travel, parking, food, time off work- it's getting to be expensive.
Luckily, we each have scheduled visits at our top two programs, so between the two of us we'll see both cities, just not together.
My partner and I are likely not going to be visiting our two programs together either like you, but we will be both still seeing the area and our respective programs independently. This is mainly due to the fact that it appears that our programs are the one's footing the bill for the travel so they are each scheduling things independently and I really hate to ask programs that likely don't interact to plan a trip for both of us. I will bring up the option of my partner coming with me/staying in the same hotel only if I would have a room to myself or something else that would make the school be able to save money overall. While I would love to visit with him I really don't want to be a hassle since we are in such separate departments... Also my schedule is much more flexible than my partners so I think it's just easier to plan separate trips.
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Bumping this thread because my partner and I are now both accepted here. If anyone around has any insights about living in Fayetteville (typical rent, good places to live, places to avoid, etc) that would be great! If you live close enough to campus is it easy to walk to campus and other parts of town?
Also what do people do outside of school at Fayetteville? I know it's nestled in the Ozarks so are there are lot of nice places to go hike, fish, and do other things outdoors? Also my partner, @Melvillage_Idiot, would love to know if there are any local bookstores or coffee shops in town?
If anyone has anything else they would like to add about the town I would love to hear it!
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Hey guys I came across this thread earlier today and TakeruK suggested some good ideas (albeit specific to a certain field) for campus visits. I think it can be department specific since different departments can be more formal than others. I'm in biology and I know that it is totally acceptable to just wear simple nice clothes (but not necessarily dress clothes) to these sorts of visits since that's what I did when I visited for my master's.
I have a couple upcoming visits and I just plan to wear some of my nicer outfits I have which mainly consist of nice pairs of jeans, nice sweaters, and other nice tops. If I'm feeling like I want to wear a dress or skirt I might do that but currently I'm not thinking either of those are necessary. I'm avoiding t-shirts or leggings since I do consider those maybe a little too casual. Honestly, while I think it's good to make a good impression by looking put together, since you are already accepted I doubt they will judge you much on what you're wearing.
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My partner and I have both been accepted at two of the schools we applied to together! Which means now we will be able to make a decision rather than just going to wherever we were both accepted. Also at one of our schools we've each received higher paying fellowships! Now here's to hoping our visits will help us in our decision process.
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2 hours ago, la_mod said:
@FishNerd thank you so much for this! People here and elsewhere have been saying that it’s silly to make long term plans based on someone I am not like, married to, and I should be “following my dreams,” but my success will not be worth it to me if I lose this person. I have other goals outside of academia, and of course I would factor those in, you know?
Anyway, we’re going to make it work, but I’m already kind of dreading it.
Also, I worry about bringing him up too (it’s different because you two are trying to move to the same program) to my current mentors when discussing my hopes etc. One of my professors very generously gave me this advice, which I’m going to pass along: “everyone says that rankings matter most and that you should be selfish in your decision, but you’re not going to do well in school if you’re unhappy. If you need to be a certain place for your sanity and other personal reasons, do it.” (He then recounted how he turned down two top-five schools to attend a program ranked in the mid-50s and could not be happier as a result.)
I'm so glad that my comment meant something to you
I was a bit nervous about posting this since I worry so much about people thinking less of me by factoring in my partner, but I was hoping some people on here might benefit from what I had to say.
I get the whole not being married because me and my partner aren't yet. I worry that since there isn't that level of commitment attached to our relationship that people won't take it seriously...but maybe I'm just a worrier. Everyone in my current master's program has always treated my partner phenomenally and I don't anyone think has ever judged me but I do worry about it going into a new environment. I have also been told to "follow my dreams" and not let my decision be dictated by a man, but when you have a committed relationship I don't see how you can't factor in your partner. Your partner should always reciprocate in return with big decision making and that's why the term partner is great because it should be a partnership!
I was super nervous when I was recently talking to my undergrad research mentor about the PhD school search and I mentioned taking him into account and my mentor was like "Of course! You have to make something work for the both of you!" It was such a relief that I didn't get judgement from my mentor and it made me feel justified in how my partner and I were approaching the search. So I think being nervous about bringing my partner up is justified in that some people could think that, but that interaction with my mentor made me realize most people are not going to be like that. I also really like the advice you passed along from your professor so thank you for that
In reference to you and your partner doing the long-distance thing I'm going to provide some more anecdotal evidence (in addition to those who already have) of people making it work. I know two of the professors in my current department lived separated from their respective partners for over a year or more at least once in their relationship and they're great now. One of the couples now has kids and the other couple didn't have kids but have a wonderful dog together and both couples are has happy as can be (as can be seen from the outside of course-but I do know these professors quite well, they are both on my thesis committee).
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15 minutes ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:
Also, the thought of sitting in on a class and just .... staring at people .... I can''t. I won't. I figure I'll just note down what's discussed and in what way. That's gotta be less awkward than peering at people, right?
I would think taking notes on what's discussed would be fine and a good way to occupy yourself. I'm not sure if I will be sitting in on any classes (don't have my itinerary yet for my visits) but I might take notice/notes of how engaged the students are in the class, what I like/don't like about the class, and anything else that jumped out to me as important to note as a prospective student.
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@a_sort_of_fractious_angel & @unicornsarereal
I'm definitely going to have a notebook on me at all times during my upcoming visits! My master's advisor greatly encouraged me to do so because if not you could easily forget things/impressions that you wanted to take note of and remember for later.
Also if you are worried about looking silly I totally plan on commenting/joking about it (that's just my style when I feel awkward about something). This could maybe be a poor choice though because while it could ease any awkwardness or potentially make it exponentially more awkward haha!
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I know I'm a little late to the thread but I just wanted to say I think it is totally justified to be nervous of leaving your respective partners. Long-distance is frankly terrifying to me and while I have not done it with my partner, I have been terrified of the prospect of that status for us. Because of that we have each made sacrifices and compromises to stay together and not have to be long distance. For example my partner graduated a year ahead of me at my undergrad (where we met) and stayed in town while I finished, so he took a sacrifice there so we could get our master's together after I graduated. On the PhD search I ruled out schools simply because there wasn't an option for him there and he had to do the same for schools he was interested in because there wasn't anything for me at those schools.
I know our situation may be different from your all's because we are trying to do academia together but I get being afraid of leaving a partner. We have both told each other that we are afraid what would happen to us over long-distance not because we don't absolutely love each other but because it's easy to get swept up and consumed with the environment immediately around you and forget your long-distance partner. We also agree that if we did happen to break up because of distance we would regret it for the rest of our lives if we then stayed separated forever. I know we could each find someone that would maybe make us happy but there would always be that "what if?" in the back of our minds and we both know that we couldn't handle that.
However, as a woman in academia who considers herself strong and independent, I do worry about people potentially viewing me as just the opposite since I am taking my partner into account in my decisions. But he is also taking me into account in his decisions. But I still worry that people will not see that and will assume that I am conceding to what my male partner wants. That fear is one of my biggest worries in bringing him up in this whole process. I really fear that my prospective advisors could think less of me because he is a part of my decisions process and, subsequently, their view of me would be tainted.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking your male partner into account as a female doesn't make you less of a strong and independent woman. As long as your partner reciprocates and factors you in during big decisions then I'm sure your relationship can stand whatever is thrown at it.
- la_mod, Wabbajack and E. Coronaria
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2 hours ago, StemCellFan said:
I think this is an important! Overall money you are offered should not matter, but it should matter in the context of the cost of living. My cheap cost of living midwest cities offered me around 30k for each program (give or take a little), which is the norm for the area. The schools in New York City or Bay Area offer anywhere between 35-40k, but students often have to seek out homes with multiple roommates or subsidized student housing because even 35k isn't enough. 30k is enough for a studio or 1 bed apartment in the cities I was looking to live in, though. You won't live lavishly, but you should not need to take out any debt to keep you afloat
I completely agree. When thinking about my funding offers I am for sure taking into account cost of living. The school where I have been offered the high paying fellowship (I'll just go ahead and make it clear since I do have them in my signature - this school is the U. of Arkansas) is in a relatively low cost of living area so even if my offers were the same the money would go farther at the school with the low cost of living. So the fact that I have also received even more money in Arkansas means it will go very very far. However, I know that between my offer and my partner's offer at the school with the higher cost of living (U. of Denver) we would not be going into debt but we would be living pretty tightly and probably not nearly as comfortably as at Arkansas. So it's kind of a weird place to be in (especially since this is all on the assumption that my partner receives an acceptance at Arkansas)...
Also my partner and I are are struggling with the possible decision because we kinda want to completely change up the area that we go to school in. For both our undergrad and master's we went to schools in a similar part of the country and similar sized towns as Arkansas so Denver would be quite the change for us. Neither of us have lived in a major city and it kinda seems like a PhD would be perfect time to test out if that type of environment would be something we are open to in the future. So there is a big appeal for adventure and new experiences at Denver that is also hard to look past. But a buttload of money is also hard to look past.
Gahhh it's awesome to have choices and feel wanted by these places but it's total agony for my indecisive nature!
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48 minutes ago, TakeruK said:
This is part of the reason why I am using it more too. I use it so that no one automatically has to out themselves if they use partner and I think if it's a universal term, then this will be better. It's the same reason why I am trying to identify myself with pronouns more regularly too. I think most people would assume the correct pronouns for me if they met me, but on conference badges, I still use my pronoun stickers. The conference organizers make enough for every attendee (although they are completely optional). For both "partner" and the pronouns, I just think it's better when it's not the default to assume heterosexuality and pronouns.
That said, I did also think about not co-opting terms from a group I do not belong to. For both of these cases, I believe that that these uses are encouraged by LGBTQ advocacy groups.
I hadn't thought about the fact that if it becomes normalized for everyone to refer to their partner as their partner then that would mean that those who are LGBTQ wouldn't necessarily be outed by also using that term. It's also great to hear that this use is encouraged by LGBTQ advocacy groups. I will be sure to start using partner then! It definitely feels more way more fitting to refer to my partner as just that and not my boyfriend.
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3 hours ago, Mopar18 said:
I'm in a similar boat. For me it wasn't so much the amount of money but whether they would offer any. I applied to 7 programs and had a top 3, 2 of the 3 have accepted me with the 3rd school yet to notify me of a decision. One of the two that admitted me is pretty much out at this point since they said they could not offer me any financial support which is a massive deal breaker. Did make me feel a bit disappointed as the fit there is fantastic but can't go somewhere with no funding. On the flip side, if the 3rd school in my top 3 accepts me the funding packages may have to be the tie breaker between them and the other school that accepted me and offered funding.
That's disappointing that one of your top 3 doesn't offer any funding but I get it. I definitely would not be attending anywhere that is going to put me into debt because I didn't get funding. That's just not worth it. However, it is great that you have funding and an acceptance from one of your top 3! I hope you here more from your 3rd school in your top 3!
I guess I'll have to decide whether to use the funding as my tie breaker after I have my visits and see how I feel.
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Just here to give an update to any current or future lurkers/anyone interested.
I am officially accepted at the University of Denver with a standard TA stipend package and the department is flying me out to visit in a couple of weeks.
I am unofficially accepted the University of Arkansas and have been told I have received their competitive highest paying fellowship and they will also be flying me out to visit soon.
No news on UMass which I feel like at this point means it is likely out since that deadline was the earliest (Dec. 1st).
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@RK092089 and @TakeruK Thank you so much for your responses!
I know "partner" is pretty commonly used term and I think I definitely prefer it over calling him my boyfriend, but when I have talked to friends and family about it they always say "But that makes you sound like a gay couple!" I guess in the area I am currently in you really don't hear it outside of LGBTQ couples. I frankly don't care if someone thinks I'm not straight but I guess my in-person interactions had led to everyone telling me not to use the term "partner." Same situation for "significant other" but that one is more of a mouthful so I prefer "partner."
I guess I've also been concerned that someone could potentially be upset with me using a term that has historically been a term that LGBTQ people have mainly used and I would hate to co-opt a term that has largely been the LGBTQ community's (especially in the area I am currently in). But if that's just a weird concern of mine that actually has no bearing in real life, then I might just start calling him my partner because I think you make a great point TakeruK about how it's good to try and normalize all relationships no matter the composition of the couple or their marital status.
I also really agree that partner is a great term because it really does describe our relationship perfectly as well, since him and I are partners in this life (and this whole grad school gig!).
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Not married yet but I have been with my boyfriend through most of undergrad and we moved in together when we started out master's at the same school (so at this point we have been together almost 6 years). I am so glad we were together during our master's because at different points we definitely needed one another to keep the other person going and on track. We are in different departments at our school and whenever we attend something in our own department the other has always been very welcome. We have always presented ourselves as a team and have always been treated as such. I don't think anyone has viewed/treated us any differently because we aren't single and I think that holds true at a lot of places as evidenced by all of the above responses.
I actually do have a question to pose in this thread if it's okay because I think it might be the place some people might have some suggestions. So my boyfriend and I are not officially engaged but we are basically committed to being married someday so we do on occasion refer to each other as our fiance. I don't really like doing this too much because I find it a bit dishonest since he hasn't yet proposed and it could be confusing to those who think we are engaged for me to be really excited when he does officially propose. But I am struggling with how to refer to him to these new professors and students I will be meeting at the programs I am visiting very soon. I hate to just refer to him as my boyfriend since I know in some people's impressions that can come across as a term for a relatively short term relationship and I'm concerned the impression it might give off as a woman to be talking about her boyfriend. Whereas, if I could refer to him as my fiance or some other term it might give a different impression of both me and our relationship. I am also concerned using the qualifiers "long term boyfriend" or "boyfriend of 6 years" could come across strange too, almost as if I'm trying to desperately prove/validate our relationship.
I guess I am wondering if anyone might have some suggestions (since everyone here is talking about relationships and grad school) of how I can refer to him if he/our relationship needs to be something I talk about during my visits. I think I'm worrying about it because we are jointly applying to schools and what he thinks about a school and what he is offered is also going to factor heavily in my decision. I just think I'm worried about it since I think if I approach it the wrong way people could get the wrong impression since I am a woman and sometimes people could assume I am purely dictating my decisions based off him when instead we are going to make our decisions jointly.
If I need to pose this question elsewhere I will be happy to do so and please just let me know.
"Let's just TALK about it..." Decision Edition
in Decisions, Decisions
Posted
If you don't mind me asking what has helped you make your decision? I see that you are in Biology like I am so I was curious if research fit, funding package, location and cost of living, advisor interactions, research facilities and equipment etc. helped in making your decision.
I have been offered fellowships at the two schools I'm deciding between. However, one of the schools packages is significantly more and I really don't know how much to factor that into my decision. I have also been aggressively recruited by a professor at the school with the higher funding package so I feel like I'm in a similar situation. Are you reaching out to the professor who's lab you would have worked in to turn down the offer?