PhantomThief
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Posts
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Posts posted by PhantomThief
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Aren't life stages too different
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19 hours ago, T.O.hopeful said:
Nope, doesn't matter. You're hanging out with adults not children, 3-4 year age gap is nothing.
But its weird at some point
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I am in Canada and doing a 2nd year MA and I am 23-24. This year, I went to clubs and made friends in undergrad who are in second year-fourth year and ages are 20, 21 22, 23. A lot of stuff was one online, so I hardly met folks in my MA. On halloween, I went to a party with one of my friends in fourth year that had undergrads(drinking age in Canada is 19+). I was wondering, is this loserish or immature or sound like I’m that creepy old guy trying to fit in with youngsters?
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What I mean was, how can I not feel like some immature person trying to cling to their youth on the side socially while focusing on improving myself for the future and getting work done/building skills and be ready for professional development
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4 hours ago, Sigaba said:
@PhantomThief, how ever you feel about the waning days of your youth, I think it is incumbent upon you to understand that you are in a pivotal phase of your personal professional development. At this moment, right now, while you're thinking about such matters, members of your affiliation are building the skills and relationships that will make them competitive in the coming years. Competitive for jobs, for loans, for relationships, and other opportunities, many of which will be accessible to them because they're ready.
So I think questions for you to add to the mix include:
- What are you doing today to be ready for the rest of your life given the likelihood that the years and decades ahead are going to be exceptionally hard?
- Is shooting the breeze with undergraduates going to help you get ready for interviews with people making hiring decisions?
- Is being in a relationship, platonic or romantic, with younger people going to expose you to circumstances in which people hold you accountable so that you will work harder and to be a better person?
I have my priorities straight and working on that too, I just mean socially on the side outside of work
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Just now, drunkenduck said:
You've graduated from undergrad, so whether you started working or started grad school, you would be in a new, more mature stage of life. Embrace it, it's exciting. You don't want to be one of those people desperately grasping onto their youth and immaturity long past its due.
And just because you're getting older doesn't mean you can never have fun or make friends.
On 9/22/2020 at 10:31 PM, feralgrad said:I know that many cultures hold up youth as the best time of your life -- or even the only one that matters -- but that simply isn't true. Each phase of your life will offer new insights, challenges, and opportunities. Each will have its pros and cons. It's not "all downhill from here" unless you /act/ like it is. Instead, consider all that you're gaining in this new stage: independence, knowledge, understanding of yourself -- I could go on. Personally, I enjoy life a lot more now than when I was in college. I was a hot mess back then!
It's okay to feel a sense of loss, but that doesn't have to define your experience.
I mean, I know my youth will end but I don't think it should end so soon or now. I mean, I'm 22, that's literally in the same age range as 18-22 year old people in uni. To word it better, I'm not going to like exclusively hang out with those, just also have them as optional friend/people to relate. In some courses, I have people who are like in thirties/onward and the idea of being in the same life stage as someone like 10-20 years older makes me feel so old and my youth has ended
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I'm a 22 year old MA student doing it straight from undergrad and I feel like doing this is the end of my youth. In my class, I enjoyed the discussion but I have some folks much older than me like starting their PHD and already working for years now or being married/have kids and since they are my peers, I feel like I'm in the same life stage as someone in their late twenties/early thirties onward and I feel so old compared to undergrads(sophomore-seniors or 18-22 year olds) and I can't relate/am not in the same life stage and it makes me feel like my youth is over. Like I want to make friends and all which will be harder due to Covid and wouldn't mind my own age range. How can I deal with this as it's bothersome
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2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
@PhantomThief, lets play a thought experiment. I will go out on a limb and say it can be helpful for a grad student to dip into the undergrad pool out of true love + recreational amusement if he/she has an established and stable grad school life.
That being said, do you have a cohort of grad school/adult friends (defined as those you socialize with purely for social purposes at least once a week)? If so, how many, 1, 2, more than 2? Not trying to be nosy, but just saying, if the answer is 1 or 0, you should be avoiding the undergrads period and burning rubber to be an adult because you are way behind. If you dip back to the undergrads, you begin hitting the negatives.
Before you tell me you heard differently, tell us what, and from what perspective (like are they undergrads, grads, your parents, etc.)?What you said is what I am talking about in first place
I just started classess this week, everything is online, but have my friends who just graduated
and yes, I heard from other grad students and from my own experience with my friend
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2 hours ago, Boolakanaka said:
No problems. While you certainly should and can exercise your own voice to this rather played out subject, your continued and prolonged announcements on the lost of youth now border on fetishism. Not exactly the look one would like to present during the start of their graduate education.
Oh god, it is not like some inherent weird fetish if you think that or something, more like anxiety/overthinking
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2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
Good luck with that.
Undergrad students generally think it will be a bit a weird a grad student is trying to hang out. Grad students will think its weird you are trying to dip into the undergrad pool.You can't win either way. Cut your losses now and pick a side. Time to grow up. The undergrads will probably tell you the same.
2 hours ago, Boolakanaka said:Lord. Perhaps what you are in search of is not the counsel from seasoned adults that have traveled the maze of academia, but rather reputable Montessori programs as this adherence to your former period of life, e.g. youth, is your major preoccupation?
I'll reaffirm that I've heard different opinions
and second, thanks for being condescending
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13 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:
I don't think a 22-year-old dating a 20-year-old is weird at all.
In some places, it isn't illegal for a 20-year-old to date a 16-year-old due to Romeo and Juliet laws, but that's a different thing altogether. More of what I was saying is that at certain ages, there's just so much that happens, making the age difference seem much larger. If you want to go for a difference age comparison, what about a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old?
I mean also 20 and 16 is socially frowned upon as well by the way
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2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
Well, the best way to feel young again is to start hanging out with people who graduated from undergrad, maybe starting with your grad student colleagues.
Youth is relative. If moving on from college graduation is tough for you, you'll have a harder time when you turn 30. Move on now before you waste more time reliving college.I wouldn't say I want to relive college exactly 100%, just not feel old/removed from folks who are in it, like be able to hang out with both groups and it not be weird
I know my youth will end but not now
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Also tbh, I ask mainly in regards to hanging out as I do have a fear/anxiety that this means the end of my youth and I feel so old compared to people in the undergrad age range
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5 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:
I don't think a 22-year-old dating a 20-year-old is weird at all.
In some places, it isn't illegal for a 20-year-old to date a 16-year-old due to Romeo and Juliet laws, but that's a different thing altogether. More of what I was saying is that at certain ages, there's just so much that happens, making the age difference seem much larger. If you want to go for a difference age comparison, what about a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old?
I see but like 13 and 17 isn't comparable to two young adults, which IMO more case by case like 18/21
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10 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:
As others mentioned, I don't believe it's the inherit act of dating an undergrad that's "wrong," and depending on the school, no one will blink an eye. I think it's about compatibility of two people. Of course, in grad school you're considered more mature, and if you're going out to frat parties every weekend with your undergrad girlfriend, people will probably look down on you, but that's more about going to frat parties every weekend -- your maturity.
Additionally, you're more likely to connect with people in your environment since you'll spend A LOT of time with them. In grad school, I had two GAships, meaning I worked 20 hours/week on top of classes. My GAships were teaching and working in the university's writing center. Most of the hours for "teaching" were spent in the group office with 20-30 other people. That's just where we hung out basically any time we were on campus. Because we were around each other, had classes together, and were going through the same things, we became friends. It was mostly straight women and gay men, so there were no relationships... I probably had my best friendships in the UWC, though, and they were with undergrads. The undergrads working at the UWC often wanted to go to grad school or were nontraditional students. Therefore, they felt more "on-level" and we hung out at work and beyond. I don't think anyone would have blinked if a grad student dated one of them.
All in all, as long as you're compatible with someone, I don't think it's a big deal to date a junior or sophomore. Someone 18-20 is a little different since they're practically still children and figuring out how to be adults, what to do with themselves, etc. (at least in the US). Although the age difference doesn't seem like a lot, it's like a 20-year-old dating a 16-year-old: weird.
22 dating 20 isn't weird?
I mean 20 dating 16 is wrong cuz its an adult dating a minor, I wouldn't say its comparable to that
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1 minute ago, dr. bubbles said:
Not sure if this was mentioned, but another point is that as a grad student, you may at some point hold a position of power over the undergraduate or people in their social circle whom you both associate with. For example if you were TAing, or managing a lab where the undergrad or people in her/his social circle were either your students or research assistants. An imbalanced relationship in this context may blur the lines of consent.
Oh yeah, power difference is wrong
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Don';t mean to troll, just trying to reconcile different opinions I heard
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2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
Clearly, you didn't read what the person spent time writing to make a point, and just saw one thing and reacted to it. That is rude. As a fellow Canadian, I expect better.
Sorry it was late, will revise in the morning and reread their thing
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3 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
Well then, you don't seem to care about what we say so feel free to listen to your "many folks". Please stop wasting our time unless you want to have an intelligent conversation about this. I know Canada has great "Uni's", so as Master's student, you should know how to instead dropping pointless one liners.
I'm weighing the options and putting answers against each other
also, what is wrong with the term unis
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2 hours ago, desertwoman said:
In late 30s, you're too old for undergrad students, stick with grad students
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59 minutes ago, Boolakanaka said:
Now, you are being provocative for the sake of being provocative, and actively losing any sense of being serious on this board. Of course it’s not the same, there are entire systems of HR as well as academic integrity that institutionally prohibit such practice.
I mean you mentioned it was inappropiate in your response though
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16 minutes ago, feralgrad said:
So based on the fact that you're ignoring or brushing off like 8 people telling you the same thing, I'm wondering if you've already met an undergrad you want to date. If that's the case, no one here can stop you from doing anything. But these are the likely reactions from your cohort, so make peace with that now.
I am not ignoring, I'm just saying I have heard other reactions elsewhere and like more than 9 people have saids its fine/no one will care and in my personal experience, no one had an issue
Nah haven't met anyone, just wondering if I should consider it
It's only been 4 people as well
- Epsy, Boolakanaka and GradSchoolGrad
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9 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:
Okay, not to be mean or anything, but by not explaining that you were in Canada it was rather unhelpful for everyone to give you feedback. I'm sure it is unintentional, but there is a reason why when most people post, they at least highlight the country in question they are referring to outside of the US, or else otherwise most people think general US (since the vast majority people here are referring to US schools).
So quick takeaways:
1. Even in Canada, I wouldn't recommend it, but the strength of my case does weaken decently compared to the US. I still think generally speaking, there is a lot to be said about moving forward in your outlook rather than dipping back.
The reason why I acknowledge that my case weakens is that in Canada, the higher education is less focused on defined community social constructs than in the US (though some schools have been trying to Americanfy). This means that you have a less structured undergraduate community (as in really confined to the undergrad community) filled with robust Greek life + defined University wide student life events and structured programming + dependency on campus logistics + lots and lots of campus traditions. I actually view this as a general strength of the US undergraduate system over other countries because it builds in campus wide connectivity and develops diverse social experiences. Granted there are some issues, but that is an endless conversation for another time. However, what this means for us, is that the in my opinion, the average Canadian undergraduate might be missing out on all these experiences, but does mature faster at "Uni" because the person is forced to live more independently in building their own social structures, given how relatively detached campus life is.
Just some background on me, I lived in both Canada and the US and although I went to schooling in the US, I am very familiar with the Canadian university system and culture and how it is different.
2. It would have also been helpful, if you explained your perspective about looking at it from an undergrad angle previously.
Yes, from an undergrad perspective, there is usually nothing wrong with an undergrad dating a grad as long as they are close in age. Even in the US, the undergrad would be generally as getting social props to have nabbed a grad student the same way someone would feel about a freshman dating as senior (generally speaking).
However, on the grad student side, others can and will look on with some level of discomfort... or at least curiosity. Rightfully or wrongfully, there will be a lot of suspicions about dipping down + the undergrad taking advantage of the grad. Just imagine, if there was grad program picnic that allowed +1s and someone brought there undergrad boyfriend and girlfriend. There would be a general mismatch in terms of range of conversation. This will especially be true if you go to grad program with a lot of people that are not straight from undergrad.At my grad program, we had 2 situations where one of my fellow grad students brought an undergrad date to grad social functions. In one case the age difference was 9 years. The other was 2. Either way, by in large we felt really annoyed because we had to suffer through socializing with an undergrad (who had limited awareness of grad school/adult life) more keen to talk about spring break than anything we cared about. Interestingly, the most critical people were those straight from undergrad. Their perspective was that they couldn't believe their classmates were squandering the opportunities with the grad school experience to dip back into the undergrad scene.
Additionally, the two undergrad dating grad students to this day are remembered for dating an undergrad as one of their primary identifiers. I actually had a phone call with a grad school friend a few weeks ago where we talked about so so, the undergrad dater. This is not to sound mean, but this is just how people naturally react. At the end of the day, love is love, but this is a reality you need be aware of.
Now in all fairness, I am speaking more from the context of US grad programs, which also are more socially structured than Canadian ones (generally speaking). Additionally, the situations I speak of involve Americans and Canadians, but only those at US schools. However, the points are still relevant, but they may be more nuanced.
I see but as I mentioned, I have seen many folks also say its fine and no one sees the undergrad as taking advantage or the grad as dipping down
and how many straight from undergrad nabbed them
- GradSchoolGrad and Epsy
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6 hours ago, adjunctlifer said:
I think it is totally normal to have loved your undergrad experience and want it to continue. However, being a grad student is different because it’s viewed as the start of ones professional career - not an extension of being a student. Dating an undergrad is just inappropriate, even if the age is the same. You’ll be in a different life place. And if you can’t see that? Maybe the issue isn’t actually about dating an undergrad, but rather about your own intentions and aspirations as a grad student.
The thing is, I have seen a lot of people say its normal though and fine and not inappropiate
So is it as bad as a prof dating a undergrad?
Is it loserish or immature to be a grad student and have friends who are undergrads
in The Lobby
Posted
Well, I don't want to look like some loser trying to cling on to his youth or something
Who would see it as odd and why? does it depend on age