lafresca

This is the first really interesting and honest post I've read on this entire forum. There is no easy answer, but thank you for sharing this. No eres el único y te deseo lo mejor con cualquier decisión que tomes.

Ha! This brought a smile to my face, particularly cuz my memories are so alike. No one ever thought we'd get here. Hell, I barely even graduated high school--graduated with a 1.6 gpa. I spent four years in community college and almost dropped out. And now, Im here?? Pff. Idk about you, but the other matter is that I always feel as if I have to "prove" myself. All these pretentious douche bags walk around talking about how they went to such and such place and have done such and such and had a such and such gpa. They're people who have been groomed and bred to do this since a very young age--2nd and 3rd generation college students. Im a freaking 1st generation HIGH SCHOOL graduate, and BARELY! To sit at the graduate table, I feel as if I have to prove that I belong with them, that Im not trespassing. And it's not just academically; I'm not even of that culture. I'm ghetto as hell; my dialect is off compared to them. And that's part of the challenge of jumping into graduate school as well. When I was pipe dreaming it didnt matter. I didnt care. I was ready to have to constantly prove that I belonged and just didnt get in becuz Im Chicano. But now I mean.....what for?
 
Ayyyy the decisions. I swear dude Im dragging this shit out till April 15th. Anyways, I hope you do well and succeed in where you decide to go. Im pulling for you, buddy.

I don't think anyone is asking you to apologize, but be aware and self-reflexive of your privilege. My family are Holocaust survivors, and education was important to them, but education is secondary when you have to survive.
I also think there is a bunch of conflation of what we are all referencing as "privilege" like you point out, but I think what koolherc states is the more salient conflation (imo) - privilege through economic status and privilege through cultural, societal status.
I may not come from a wealthy family, heck, by Canadian standard my parents are below the poverty line, but I was lucky enough to live in a metropolitan city that gave me access to people and resources to have that cultural capital to assist me in working towards a PhD.
By the by, how come for the life of me I can never spell privilege right?!

Well if that's the case then maybe you are better off not pushing for one.  If I were you I'd be very concerned that it wouldn't be positive.  Whatever is up with this guy you're better off getting as far away as possible.  Seriously.  Get letters from others who are pleased with your work, get into your PhD program, and don't look back.

www.meetup.com works for me in most all cities that I have moved to. A group of strangers get together with other strangers in a public space for a common cause. It's a great way to meet people that you are sure to have something in common with, and everyone goes knowing that they are going to meet strangers, so it is not weird or uncommon to strike up a conversation with people you've never met before.

Look at your social media websites for people that you may have known previously that you might have lost contact with. I used to live in North Carolina too, and I found two people who I went to high school with who had moved there before me. Meeting up with people offline that I already knew opened up my community and they were really helpful in making me feel at home very quickly. Even if you don't end up becoming best buddies, people who you know from the past who live in or near your new city are great for recommendations on where to live, eat, go out, etc.

Joining the gym or Y in your city is good too, especially if you are like me and like group classes. The same people tend to go to the same classes and you can meet people that way.

Once you start to go to orientation and have classes, you will start to get to know people. Once you feel comfortable with a few of them, invite them over for a potluck-style lunch or dinner. Creating your own event is a remedy to fulfilling a schedule void.

You can also look for young professionals groups in your city or student organizations on your campus. This is also a good way to meet people.

Since you are a language student, volunteering your language services to non-profit organizations is a sure way to build your community. There are many volunteer sites that list projects going on in your community that need volunteers. This is also a great way to meet people and help your new community at the same time.

Good luck!

I love this piece of spoken word, "How to be Alone," by Tanya Davis:

I agree with St. Andrews Lynx. I know it's easier said than done, but "moving on" might be the best course of action at this point (since you've already finished and can cut most ties with old mentors). You probably will not need things like LORs for awhile (not until you are about to finish a PhD) and by then, you would have lots of time to develop even better connections with faculty in your PhD program. One of the few ways the old mentor can really directly affect your career is that you'll never be sure if he will write you a good LOR. Fortunately, few people will care about your Masters program once you have a PhD so I would direct my efforts towards developing a good connection with profs at the new school, then you won't need any LORs from your old mentor.
 
When I feel upset about a situation that I can no longer control, or if I've decided that I should just "move on" and not confront the person, I find different ways to vent my frustration and anger. For example, sometimes talking to family or really close friends (those you really trust or those outside of academia) can help. One of my favourite methods is to write a long angry letter so that I feel that I am able to express my feelings and thoughts. I would rip it up or otherwise destroy it after writing it though. Sometimes it takes more than one letter, and you can address it to the offending person, or if it helps, you can write it as if you were writing a LOR for that prof!
 
These are just some things that I find helpful for me, but every person is different! It might help you, or it might give you ideas of other ways to help release the negative thoughts from the previous bad relationship so that you can focus on a new relationship with your new supervisor. In addition, if you still feel that your previous bad experience is affecting your current relationship, you might want to consider talking to people at your school's counselling centre. I think most PhD programs have one and your health insurance probably covers it fully (at least if you use the on-campus services). There is still a bit of a "stigma" about using these services even though mental health is just as important as physical health and no one bats an eye if you go to your physician! Fortunately, I think many people are more open about this -- some profs I know have even blogged about it, so I feel that the stigma is lifting. At my school, about 1 in 8 students have used the counselling centre, so it's definitely not something for extreme cases only!

Cut your losses with the old mentor. He sounds like a jerk, and jerks don't usually come around or alter their behaviour. Trying to make him like you will just be a waste of your energy and leave you feeling worse. The positive side of jerks like Old POI is that he's unlikely to pursue a vendetta against you professionally, the nastiness is reserved for people within his immediate sphere of attention/control. If you keep a distance and don't communicate he'll most likely forget about you. 
 
I'd say to be careful with any public criticism of Old POI. Academia is very close-knit, if word gets back to Old POI that you've been portraying him in a negative light then that might cause trouble. Talk to a university counsellor to get things off your chest (especially if you're suffering from depression - do talk to a professional!).
 
Remember that your new POI is a completely different person, so you aren't doomed to repeat the same relationship with him. If New POI is a jerk...again, there's not much you can do about it. The odds are that he won't be, though. Look out for warning signs: what are the group dynamics like (friendly or hostile), are there clear favourites getting all the attention (there shouldn't be), can you have a decent conversation with New POI about non-academic things (does he respect you as a person)?
 
Good luck! I hope things work out for you.

Thank you so much, juilletmercredi. Like TakerUK said, awesomest.post.ever.

1. There's just no pleasing some people. This includes fellow students as well as faculty. Recognize these people and adjust your expectations accordingly, lest you succumb to the trap of killing yourself while trying to please the unpleasable. Instead, try to surround yourself with people that will cheer you on rather than tear you down, even if it's just your peer group, as realistically, you might not have much say with your assignment for your supervisor.
2. Don't sweat the small stuff and know when to say no. It's hard not to in an environment that is so stressful and will take over your entire existence if you let it. Just remember that it's a marathon, not a sprint, and that you need to pace yourself accordingly.
3. As hard as it is, set boundaries. Before you start graduate school, you need to outline what is truly important to you and what graduate school can't have. This could be your significant other, time for hobbies, money to splurge on something that will keep you sane, etc. Either way, be mindful of what you are willing to give up and what you are not willing to give up, as graduate school will take as much as you give it (which is everything, if you let it).
4. A good advisor is one of the best tools you can have when navigating a PhD program. Make sure that you match well with your advisor in terms of working style (i.e., are they a micromanager, are they more hands-off) and personality over research fit, as even the best research fit with a bad personality will make your life a living hell. It's hard enough; don't make it harder by not having some support from faculty Additionally, sometimes you will find that your advisor just serves as a figurehead and that your true mentor isn't your formal "advisor". However you do it, just make sure you become close and have a good relationship with at least one faculty member. It will make your time in the program much easier.
5. Branch out in your research. I know the cookie cutter advice is to write every single class paper on what will be your thesis or dissertation, but I disagree with this advice. While I think most work should be oriented towards a dissertation, about once a year, I pick a different topic that departs from what I usually research. Not only has this been a welcome break from the monotony of doing the same topic, but it can open up the door for new research interests (or hell, even a new course you'd like to teach), and I find that doing something outside of my comfort zone has really pushed me as a researcher.
6. Try to have a few friends outside of your program. I find that it's helpful to socialize with people who aren't academics.
7. Don't focus on grades. Focus on learning new skills.
8. Be realistic; accept the possibility that if you are trying to land an academic position, it might not happen. If you are aiming for the ivory tower, be cautiously optimistic, but anticipate other career possibilities. To this end, if you have the free time, I would recommend learning skills that can be taken to non-academic jobs. This might mean doing an internship over the summer. This may be field-specific, but in my field, I've found that the networking associated with doing internships for non-academic companies/agencies has come in handy (if you can land a paid internship, bonus!).
9. Always, always, ALWAYS be nice to the administrative staff/secretaries. They are the gateway to many things, such as submitting important paperwork and free food.

Sigaba, it's rather funny that you chose to post that in a thread that has generated some really great replies.

Rather than assuming that the OP didn't read any past posts and then hijacking their thread, maybe you should create your own post where this topic can be discussed.

Also, thanks to juilletmercredi and Cookie Monster and TakeruK, those were really helpful posts!

I'm so sorry to hear about this! I think this story shows how our society (especially self-righteous "feminists") is so willing to villainize men to the point that men are dehumanized. i really think men have feelings equally as women do.

i don't know what to tell you except to keep insisting on your innocence and tell them that you'd be in jail, instead of in academia, had you really been guilty?

I realize this thread has sat for a week or more, but just came across the excellent blog "Tenure She Wrote." Today's post addresses specifically this, including a great section on "Avoiding Toxic Relationships" --

Toxic Academic Mentors

Going through the summer slump right now.  I dragged my feet on my dissertation proposal on an amount of work that could, I discovered, be completed in one night.  I'm supposed to be grading papers right now…lol.
 
I thought I was depressed too, because I've struggled with depression.  But no, I'm really happy for the most part.  Just completely unmotivated.
 
That PhD Comic that Eigen posted is exactly what my summers look like.  Then it's September and I'm like fuck, I haven't done anything!

Some slump-beaters that have worked for me, can't explain why some of them work though!
 
1. Change the time of the day/night you work - really flip it around. For example if you are normally a late sleeper working late into the night, try sleeping early and waking at a weird 4am for a few days, or take a 3 hour nap say from 10pm to 1am and then start working - something you would not normally do. You don't need to persist with this - just do this for a few days, enough to get out of the slump.
 
2. Start a new mini-project, something that might be useful in the long run. Forget about your existing work to bring back the excitement of "starting" something new. Once you're excited enough - get back to reality [ ]. This way, your time-out is not really wasted.
 
3. Work in micro-sized bits - make a list of say half a dozen things to be done, and keep skipping around all of them. It does not even have to be concrete work - just read a bit here and there, think through what needs to be done for a certain task etc. I have no idea why this works (any theories?) but usually gets me going pretty quickly. 
 
4. Find your "switch / triggers" - certain music/TV programs/activities somehow seem to get me into a mood for working. Many have the opposite effect - know which one is which!
 
5. Try to talk about your work, setup lots of meetings or find new people to discuss ideas with. "Socializing" my work or simply talking about it has been the most effective way for me to get out of vacation-mode.
 
6. Try fuzzy's way - this has worked well for me as well - although I have not always had the ability to completely take a few days off.
 
7. Perhaps the most ridiculous one - start thinking about your research and then extrapolate-fantasize it into game changing breakthroughs that will completely rock your field - quite motivating (if not a wee bit embarrassing, but what the heck!)

My way to get out of a slump: allow myself to go deeper into the slump and recognize that I deserve the time off. My logic: I'm not being productive anyway, so I might as well take the time to recover. I try not to work (for a day, two or three, depending on how much time off I can afford myself) and get work completely off my mind. Go away or stay home, sit on the beach or hike, whatever it is that helps you relax completely. It's important to be conscious about the choice to take time off from work, because it's a way of acknowledging your hard work and that you have a right to some sanity. Normally after some real rest I feel refreshed and I can slowly think about getting my head back in the game.  

Yeah, I had an academic advisor like this in my undergrad. He often told me I was a shitty writer and that i tried to sound smarter than I actually was. Funny, my thesis advisor loved my writing. I remember my academic advisor told a fellow student that she was too dumb to go to grad school, as her papers weren't intellectual enough. Shes brilliant IMO.

In short: it's their problem, not yours. Don't take on the weight of their own pain...or whatever is causing the ridiculous behavior.

I had a very professional relationship with my MA advisor, and it was fine. Sometimes I yearned for a bit more inspiration or positive feedback, but received very little of it. However, I did see my mentor interact in a more positive manner with other mentees. So, as another poster mentioned, every mentor's relationship changes with each individual mentee's needs. Maybe my MA advisor and I didn't mesh well together, or maybe she thought I had different needs. I tried talking to her about this more than a few times and it ended up going nowhere. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and work through it. Grad school definitely teaches you how to interact with different types of people, just as any other job during this stage in your life would teach you. If you end up with an advisor that doesn't suit your needs and you can't change, try to reframe your negative experience as a learning experience. Soak up as much knowledge as you can and be very kind to yourself.

I just graduated from CSUN with an MA in GE psychology. Everyone just wears whatever they want. I tried wearing nice blouses with jeans and cute flats. Some people just jean and t-shirt it everyday. Some girls dress it up in slacks and fancy shirts. It's WAYYYY hot in Northridge, I'd be more concerned about the heat. Just try to hit a mid-level range for the first few days of class until you see what people in your cohort and in the surrounding CSUN community wear.

I had a very professional relationship with my MA advisor, and it was fine. Sometimes I yearned for a bit more inspiration or positive feedback, but received very little of it. However, I did see my mentor interact in a more positive manner with other mentees. So, as another poster mentioned, every mentor's relationship changes with each individual mentee's needs. Maybe my MA advisor and I didn't mesh well together, or maybe she thought I had different needs. I tried talking to her about this more than a few times and it ended up going nowhere. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and work through it. Grad school definitely teaches you how to interact with different types of people, just as any other job during this stage in your life would teach you. If you end up with an advisor that doesn't suit your needs and you can't change, try to reframe your negative experience as a learning experience. Soak up as much knowledge as you can and be very kind to yourself.

I also second (or third, or fourth!) the leave of absence decision. I can definitely identify with feeling overwhelmed and uninspired even though you're at the top of your class. I felt this way during my first year as a graduate student, was having serious doubts about my intellectual abilities, suffering from depression, etc. I thought about quitting my program plenty of times, I was too ashamed to even think about a leave of absence.
 
The problem for me was spending too much time doing coursework, and not enough time being a normal human. I have since made clear 'spaces' that are for work and those that are for 'play.' I work long, hard hours in the lab, but when I go home, it's all about relaxing and connecting with myself. I watch tv. I cook. I take my dog on walks. At school it's all about research.
 
My suggestions are:
1) make enough time for interests OUTSIDE of academia
2) make friends OUTSIDE of academia - sometimes the competition becomes too fierce, and you need normal people to keep you sane and grounded.
3) establish clear boundaries (physical and psychological) between work and play. This will make you work a lot more efficiently, and will make you look forward to your 'play' time.
4) Take breaks every once in a while.
 
I never took the leave of absence, just employed some of the guidelines written above. I am about to graduate from my MA program, and have been one of the most successful applicants in my cohort. Keep your head up! You can do it!

I also second (or third, or fourth!) the leave of absence decision. I can definitely identify with feeling overwhelmed and uninspired even though you're at the top of your class. I felt this way during my first year as a graduate student, was having serious doubts about my intellectual abilities, suffering from depression, etc. I thought about quitting my program plenty of times, I was too ashamed to even think about a leave of absence.
 
The problem for me was spending too much time doing coursework, and not enough time being a normal human. I have since made clear 'spaces' that are for work and those that are for 'play.' I work long, hard hours in the lab, but when I go home, it's all about relaxing and connecting with myself. I watch tv. I cook. I take my dog on walks. At school it's all about research.
 
My suggestions are:
1) make enough time for interests OUTSIDE of academia
2) make friends OUTSIDE of academia - sometimes the competition becomes too fierce, and you need normal people to keep you sane and grounded.
3) establish clear boundaries (physical and psychological) between work and play. This will make you work a lot more efficiently, and will make you look forward to your 'play' time.
4) Take breaks every once in a while.
 
I never took the leave of absence, just employed some of the guidelines written above. I am about to graduate from my MA program, and have been one of the most successful applicants in my cohort. Keep your head up! You can do it!

I also second (or third, or fourth!) the leave of absence decision. I can definitely identify with feeling overwhelmed and uninspired even though you're at the top of your class. I felt this way during my first year as a graduate student, was having serious doubts about my intellectual abilities, suffering from depression, etc. I thought about quitting my program plenty of times, I was too ashamed to even think about a leave of absence.
 
The problem for me was spending too much time doing coursework, and not enough time being a normal human. I have since made clear 'spaces' that are for work and those that are for 'play.' I work long, hard hours in the lab, but when I go home, it's all about relaxing and connecting with myself. I watch tv. I cook. I take my dog on walks. At school it's all about research.
 
My suggestions are:
1) make enough time for interests OUTSIDE of academia
2) make friends OUTSIDE of academia - sometimes the competition becomes too fierce, and you need normal people to keep you sane and grounded.
3) establish clear boundaries (physical and psychological) between work and play. This will make you work a lot more efficiently, and will make you look forward to your 'play' time.
4) Take breaks every once in a while.
 
I never took the leave of absence, just employed some of the guidelines written above. I am about to graduate from my MA program, and have been one of the most successful applicants in my cohort. Keep your head up! You can do it!

Does your school have an official maternity leave policy?  I can't offer any specific advice since I've never been in this situation myself, but I think knowing the maternity leave policy before talking to your advisor will put in you a stronger position.  

I think some people can stay up all night to study, and some can't. I'm the second kind. What I usually end up doing is going to bed as early as I can (maybe only work until 11) and then waking up at 5 or 6 and working. Sleeping a little bit helps to calm me down, and any anxiety that has built up usually dissipates  even if it's only by a bit! 
 
I would say try to do a little more work now then let yourself rest for a few hours and pick it up early in the morning. All nighters have never, ever worked for me (I don't even try anymore).
 
Best of luck! you can do it