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GradHooting

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  1. Thanks for the encouraging words. I feel as if I might need a lot of that at this point, because I am seemingly unable to conjure them up for myself. I'm just drained, and I'm looking at the job market thinking "I'm really nothing special, nowhere near where I had wanted to be." This is all just in terms of master's degrees too. I realize with full conviction that a Ph.D. was probably not for me unless I had found a fantastic match.
  2. So, lots of hectic things have been happening in the past few months. I managed to get myself on track to graduate with a coursework master's degree by the end of the summer. I will just be hanging around to complete some research. I was hoping for a better final cumulative GPA, but my "minimum" in my head was a 3.5. I managed precisely a 3.5. Given the circumstances of the year so far, I suppose that is not so bad. It's not exciting, or a huge relief, but it is "ok." I am just finishing up the physical therapy due to the car accident, and am in the process of applying for jobs through the school's job application system. There is still a lot of anger I have pent up about choosing this particular program in the first place. It says "aerospace" on the degree, but there was little to no actual aerospace research. I think that is a terrible administrative gaffe and strongly misleads students with aerospace aspirations. To think that I passed the qualifying exam one year ago and now I'm at the point where I just want to live a life that isn't an abusive work environment. I do not know if I've come a long way, but I am still battling the idea that I have completely failed at my goals. Basically, despite my negative feelings about the issues around me, maybe things are looking up, but I have terrible perspective because I do not know what the environment is like post-grad school. Unfortunately references will be hard to come by because of my struggling performance over the last semester.
  3. Well, on top of all the other mess, a woman thought it was more apt to text her friends than it was to watch the bumper of my car. As a result, she smashed into the back of my car at a relatively high speed, totaling my car and messing up my neck. Now, I have 4-5 doctor's appointments each week that I am required to commute to throughout the week, which is seriously compromising what little ability I had to keep up with my studies. I'm not even taking a full course load, and I am behind on my two classes, and all I am doing throughout the day is struggling against what little concentration ability I have left to get these studies done. This weekend I should have gotten an extremely easy assignment finished by last night. Tonight, it's still not done, and I've spent the whole weekend living in the library struggling over the simplest of topics, as well as catching up on all the lessons that I couldn't absorb during class. On top of that, I may have not even had time to touch a second assignment which may also be due tomorrow. I had a spare car just in case one of my cars were to mess up somehow, and that one ended up breaking as well, so both cars are in the shop, and I am on a loaner car. When going to my car to get to school to catch up with this stuff, the loaner car got towed (first time I've ever had a car towed in my life...). Through the 100 hour work weeks I had forgotten to notify the front office that I had a loaner car, since both of my other cars were no longer operable. So, half my time during the week is spend doing 15-20 phone calls a day with the lawyer, insurance companies, appointments with several different doctors, while trying to stay afloat in my studies. I feel as if life is my enemy or something. You can read my post history and see how hard I worked just to get into graduate school. Now that I'm here, it's as if everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong. For the first time in my life, I had to have a family member fly in to offload the tasks. Their response was something akin to "holy crap, I can barely keep up. I don't know how you maintain your composure through all of this mess." I seem to just attract bad luck. I'm going to have to take two incompletes if I can, and almost certainly I will have to ditch any hope of doing a thesis. My adviser had a month to figure something out topic-wise (we have no autonomy in choosing thesis topics or dissertation topics), and has not figured anything out. I just want to get into industry and close this chapter in my life. Everything I have done regarding graduate school seems to have brought about the worst that life has to throw at me. I come out of it bitter, tired, and full of contempt for the whole thing.
  4. In my department, what was expected of me was to spend at least 6-8 years pursuing my Ph.D. I bailed.
  5. Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Unfortunately, it seems that my desire to gain some sanity in my life has resulted in the professors from all directions doubling down on the pressure they're having on me. They want me to have all research done for a thesis by October, while teaching two classes over the summer and taking classes, teaching classes, and doing research on the semester that I am to finish my thesis. I simply do not have time to breathe and I will not be allowed to even leave the city at any point in 2015. I do not know whether I have the emotional wherewithal to do this. I was hoping for the pressure to scale back a bit, but it seems the exact reverse is happening, and not a single damn person at this school has been of any assistance to me whatsoever. Every single person has basically told me that I am on my own, to "talk to more people and see what they can do" (basically redirecting me to someone else), and to work harder. "Just 8 more months" Well, I do not know if I can last 8 more months under this pressure. I need to breathe. I need some time to recharge and reorganize so I can then do the doubling down they want me to do. But, no, it's a mixture of "future programs will see your lack of publishing by now as a serious mark against you" and "doing a master's in over 2 years looks really bad" and and equally confusing "that Ph.D. programs will look down a coursework master's degree is complete nonsense." Not a single word of encouragement from anyone. Not a single sense of drive from anyone. I don't know. With every additional person I talk to, I feel even more energy being sucked from me. It's like there is no spirit in this place, no vibrancy about my proposals and ideas. Maybe I'm just terrible.
  6. Well, I made a pretty important decision today. I am now pursuing a terminal master's degree with a thesis option (hellbent on getting published, though). I would love to pursue a Ph.D., but it would have to be in something I enjoy. What I did in this case was follow the money. If I was doing something I actually enjoyed, I'd definitely stick around to complete the degree. But it's 5-6 years of formative years of my life not enjoying where I am, all for a piece of paper which merely states that I am capable of completing the work necessary for a Ph.D. I love the science and I love learning something to very fundamental and complete levels. My motivation comes from being immersed in topics I enjoy. I came for aerospace, was given nanomanufacturing research to do, didn't enjoy it, and now I've decided to walk away having at least turned some of it into something that is publishable. Maybe I'll come back for a Ph.D. in something else, some other time. I just don't know. So much of my life I had defined a Ph.D. as just being the final academic goal. Life's really mysterious to me right now.
  7. I am going to be talking to my advisor on Monday. I have a lot to talk about. My performance has been absolutely horrendous despite putting in 81-100 hours during the week. I am working at probably around 30% efficiency and I am making mistakes that I never made last semester. The workload is the same as last semester! I'm just not of a sound mind right now. I am starting to see all the problem around me and am starting to realize just how much of a commitment I am making. I was up for 21 hours straight trying to get a homework assignment done that everyone else seemed to get done in around 10-16 pages. I turned in 34 pages and wasn't anywhere near halfway done. I am making tons and tons of bugs when programming and I just cannot debug it all in time. I forgot to post the lab data for the class that I should have done on Wednesday -- because I forgot my thumb drive on Wednesday. I never made any of these mistakes last semester. I am just worse at everything I do right now, and I feel I have no way of controlling it and bringing myself back up to the quality that I was at last semester. I feel at a loss.
  8. Your anxiety about the test in general is honestly a pretty good sign. You sound like you recognize the weight and potential difficulty of it and have taken the necessary steps to prepare yourself. The people who brush off the quals thinking it's a walk in the park are the ones I worry about
  9. I was really enjoying my time here last semester. The research wasn't that interesting, but I was making the best of it. This semester, the amount of stuff I have to do on a weekly basis has been severely ramped up, the class that I have been teaching is now being taught by my abusive advisor, and my attempts to find emotional sanity or confidants outside of therapists have been hindered due to the realization of the requirement of 60-80 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. I looked more into just how long a Ph.D. was going to take, and asked myself whether it was truly worth the ~7 year sacrifice of my life to do something I do not truly love. Two days back I concluded that I wish that my school never gave me the monetary offer that it did. I would have gone to another school and pursued something much more directly aerospace. What I am doing right now has nothing to do with aerospace whatsoever, despite the degree being called that. That is not worth 7 years of my life. My early attempts to ask my advisor about aerospace applications (I mean, it was on my freaking SOP. He read it. I was invited to the school because of it) elicited a response of "No no no, you're thinking about it all wrong. This is not about acquiring skills for a certain field. It is about learning to become an independent researcher." While I might agree with the sentiment of that statement, it completely ignores the importance of loving the work you do. I don't want to work in semiconductors. I was only here because it was the only financially supported option I have. Now I realize that I wish I had taken the financially worse option so I could keep doing what I loved. This isn't about money anymore. I had saved up for an unfunded situation in the first place. Plus, I can always search for PI's while at school. The goal in the back of my mind right now is to finish a master's degree here, then transfer to where I actually wanted to go (assuming they even let me in a second time). I am in very good academic standing, at the very least.
  10. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Almost every day I'm curled up on the floor in tears, feeling like there's no escape, just trying to get my work done. The hours are just so much. I don't know. My therapist seems to have run out of ideas.
  11. Ah, I forgot to clarify. I was referred to these two professors by the graduate coordinator. I know that, for sure, I will not be able to work with one of them. One of them is the "graduate advisor" for the general grad program for my focus. The other is... I don't know, to be honest. They have some vague ability to do something. One of them is going to get me information on which professors have money, I believe. It's just waiting it out for me, right now.
  12. I absolutely love this idea of lab rotations. I wish we had that at my school. It makes so much sense.
  13. So, two professors are aware of my intents, and they both consider this information coming out to be just as annoying for them to deal with as it would be for me to deal with. They also have some administrative roles in the department, and they will be coming back to me with potential opportunities (e.g. funded). I tried to better pinpoint the demeanor of my PI which makes me come to the conclusion that it would be unbearable to purshe a Ph.D. under him. I have worked in the missile defense agency, for NASA, on various research projects that required learning things I did not know and reaching out for resources. In none of these experiences have I been exposed to such a condescending demeanor. If I err, the pain doesn't stop after I fully and promptly own up to what I do. No, it seems to give both professors (two professors running the group) carte blanche to expound for periods of a half hour or more (in front of the research group) about why it is so important to not make the mistake and how I am supposed to think. In that last phrase lies the key reason why I cannot work for this research group: My PI is demanding that his students think the way he thinks, precisely. By doing this, he is eliminating the possibility of breakthrough ideas from non-compliant students. Furthermore, not once during my entire time here have I ever been encouraged by my PI, or given positive feedback for making good progress. I feel that all I can do is meet his expectations on what he feels should be good research. I am at this school as a confused student. I explained my intents and the way I think quite clearly in my application essay. He has read this essay and wanted to take me on. Why does he feel that I need to completely deconstruct how I naturally approach problems to precisely match how he approaches problems? He should have just rejected me if that was his plan. Needless to say, now I have to reject him. The PI deliberately avoids answering my questions about research expectations via email, simply so I can sit in his office and waste another hour with him lecturing to me in a condescending manner something that he could have simply told me in 5 minutes and I would have been on my way. I have dealt with professors before. I have been in research groups before. I have never encountered anything like this. I do not know what his beef is, but, at the very least, we do not and will not get along. Of course, when the cat is let out of the bag, the only reason I will publicly state is that the research is not a good fit for me.
  14. There are some professors in the department who have a personality that I would jive with very well, I think. Unfortunately I have not had too much time talking to many of them. I was also told that I should make my intents of leaving clear to my professor immediately instead of ask around behind his back. On the other hand, I don't want to risk soiling my own bed before I know there's somewhere else to go. I'm in a tough situation.
  15. I've gotta be honest: There are a myriad of subjects which would interest me if the overall vibe around said subject was that of enthusiasm and positivity. Right now, I feel like I am simply on my professor's leash and regularly shamed. I am sick and tired of working through these bugs, and I do not know how to improve upon it. I hear that there are situations where the students get along well with their professors. This would be unbelievably helpful to me. There just seems to be a fundamental disconnect with how my professor communicates, and how I most effectively receive information. I can't even perform to standards that are satisfactory to myself whenever my professor is watching. I just get too intimidated, too worried that even more criticism will be piled on. Right now, I've gone through a recent break-up situation which has numbed me just a bit to the critique. Unfortunately, I can feel him clearly ramping it up, hearing that my performance has been lackluster, all in blue comic sans email font. My problems feel numerous and I have no idea how to effectively get out of the situation. Part of me is desperately working late hours just to show some sign of progress so I can at least feel justified in bringing up my desire to change research subjects. Every day I feel like I am just being a lazy person without a purpose. Even if I was getting everything right, I still would not feel any satisfaction from it. I am merely presenting it to what feels like an emotionally dead environment. I know that I am not slow at learning software. I learned everything up to this months-long bug in about two weeks. I feel this project will be laced with sample preparation more than actual analysis of data. Granted, all experiments will involve some high degree of sample preparation, but few quite reach the level of cleanliness and precision required for analyzing nanometer-scale van der Waals behavior on semiconductor material. I had aspirations of going to space, building structures in space, subjecting materials to different types of failure, and now I am poking things and seeing how sticky they are. I suppose, on some level, my interest would level out as a decent "meh, it's alright" if I was in a research group with good vibes. I know if that were the case, I would not feel so compelled to leave, because I would at least feel like the work environment was decent.
  16. Well, the title says it all. Here are the following reasons: I feel culturally isolated. Everyone else in my research group consists of Chinese and Korean nationals and I have never met a more insular group of people. They are also the most passive group of people I have met. My attempts to socialize and get to know them on any level fall flat. Additionally, it is *way* too hard for me to understand the accents of even the most social ones. There are frequent communication mixups that occur. I am completely alone, socially. Half the meetings I walk into are exclusively spoken in Mandarin Chinese until the professors show up to officially start the meeting. Too many meetings a week with too many groups. I am not sure what the average amount of meetings is, but is three meetings a week the norm? They are all with different groups which seem to be with different projects. In each meeting, it is expected for me to have a presentation ready in that particular format to present my results. I'm spending half the time trying to compose presentations while barely having time to do the actual research. I frequently get criticized for the quality of these presentations. Work-wise, I am expected to work 60-80 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. The research itself, as much as I have tried, simply does not interest me. I went into aerospace, and I am poking at graphene and cleaning samples and learning chemistry. It is an absolute headache, and I try to sit through the other meetings where I hear everyone else's presentations, and none of their projects interest me either. It's all in semiconductors. I'm just... not enthusiastic about any of it. I am tasked with learning software, solo, which hides its tutorials and courses behind paywalls. These courses are about a weekend long, and many can teach the actual things I need to learn. However, I am highly discouraged because the software experts have spent years before they came to understand the simplest features which could have otherwise been taught in these weekend courses. I do not want to spend that much time just to learn something that a proper expert could help me become familiar with. I have toiled away trying to work out the same bug in my program that I've been faced with for the past 4 months, and it is getting seriously annoying. No one in the group knows what's wrong, no one in the group has been much help, and the blame is being placed squarely on me for failing to live up to expectations. I simply do not know how to continue. I have tried, through many sleepless nights, on getting it to work, with no luck whatsoever. The experts in my group are just as confused. I do not get along with my professor. He objectively lacks the skills to concisely communicate to me his expectations. Group meetings are scheduled on the fly, and I am expected to be in town at all times, lest there be a sudden meeting scheduled. Anything I do in my personal time (you know, to actually get some stress relief) which involves me leaving the city for just a few days, even if it is happening over completely nonscheduled times, is met with criticism from my professor. This is where I begin to firmly draw the line. I do not appreciate my professor criticizing me over what I do in my personal time, or grilling me over why I am in X city at Y time. Additionally, I simply do not like the overall demeanor of my professor. He sucks the energy out of the room with his passive-aggressiveness, and accuses me around the rest of my colleagues for blaming others for my problems when prompted for suggestions on improving something. He also seems more than willing to criticize other students and their own personality problems and work habits behind their back to me. It is no leap of the imagination to surmise that he is doing the same about me to other people in the group. Are these at all legitimate reasons? The only reason I feel like I am wrong is because I am not progressing with the research anywhere near as much as I would like to have done, at this point. I do not know how to continue. I feel that my lack of progress completely nullifies any complaints I have. I have been a constant ball of stress, at this point, have lost a significant amount of weight (the lightest I've ever been fully grown), and am getting ulcers all over my mouth. I wish I could exist in a more positive work environment, where I can relate to the research and where I give a damn about the research itself. If they are legitimate reasons, how would I even approach my advisor to broach the heavy, risky topic of wanting to change research? I figure if I feel this way now, I bet I will continue to feel this way in the upcoming years. Perhaps it is best for both of us to get a better research fit.
  17. Here's a rant. This will probably be offensive, so I will try to make it as nice as possible. Grad school is an opportunity to mingle with people of many different nationalities, which is fantastic. I have found, however, that this mingling does not happen very often, and nationalities tend to keep to themselves in separate groups. While disappointing, I normally can find a group of US citizens and hang/talk with them. However, in my graduate research group, I am the only US Citizen (this is a US School). Everyone else is from China and South Korea, and the language barriers are infuriating. On top of that, we are completely blind to each other's mannerisms and jokes. My attempts to socialize with people from China and South Korea are immensely hindered by this insularity, a sort that I do not see among the groups of students from India, with whom I collaborate frequently. I just want another person with whom I can relate in my research group. But with each year, there seems to be yet another massive round of what-seems-like 80% China/Korea. I wouldn't be so bothered if their culture wasn't so insular. I've been doing all of my socializing outside of campus, now. It is actually nice to have a group of friends completely unrelated to schooling. I wish it wasn't the only group I had, but there are just so few Americans in my field of study. It is so insular that I first learned of the existence of a new first-year student, whose office is in the same room, on the day of his final exam, of which I was proctoring for the class. I am very tempted to somehow take on learning Mandarin Chinese because I truly feel like I am in a foreign land. Also, not being able to collaborate and communicate with anyone in my research group makes me feel incredibly lonely.
  18. Thanks for the reply. It might just be the case that people talking about other "superior" schools in the manner they do might be some kind of tongue and cheek thing that my depression is influencing me to take more seriously. I indeed suffer from some fairly heavy depression, though the past semester has been overall fantastic. It's the best semester I've had in years. I've never made this much progress with depression before. I have just been avoiding this particular issue because it indeed does set me off. I have the tendency to perceive those who achieved their dream school goals as being superhuman and towering over me in achievement by the dazzling name alone. This is an unacceptable thought pattern for me and I want to get over it. Your anecdote is fantastic. Depression does a great job at moving the goal posts whenever you think you've finally "made it." It is a conclusion that I need to train myself to arrive at over and over. Thinking about an elite school? Immediately realize that your problems will not be solved there. It's a false goal. A conclusion I came to recently and that I have iterated here on occasion: the only name I should be concerned about is my own. The name and status of a school is a brand like any other. Hiding behind a big/brand-name school (Purdue, MIT, Berkeley, UT, Michigan, Caltech...) is just as bad as defining yourself by cars things you own, whether it be Ferrari, or BMW, or some better options package somewhere. Maybe what I should strive for is "Oh, it's GradHooting" instead of "GradHooting went to..."
  19. I am not done with my classes yet, but I have spent terms with no classes and just research. My opinion is: 100% research is fantastic. I have my own schedule. I will gladly work 80 hours a week with my own schedule, my own difficulties, instead of bind myself to a fixed schedule where I have to get assignments done which might not relate directly to the progression of my dissertation. So, for me, the looser schedule wins hands down. I still have to produce results by key time frames, say, on a weekly basis, but I can completely schedule it to my satisfaction.
  20. They're both excellent schools. Contact professors and find out research you want to do. The difference in what you personally value, research-wise, in each school will be far greater than the difference their respective names will make on a tech resume.
  21. While I frequently suffer from the influences of "name-brand" recognition, and am certainly not in the best place to advise you on how to treat your degree, your huge mistake is how you're thinking right now. The good news is that the mistake is just limited to your thoughts, and not on your actions, yet. ETH Zurich is an excellent institution. EPFL is an excellent institution, as is TU Delft, U of Nottingham, Uppsala Univ, Aalto Univ, etc. I implore you to make the most of wherever you get your degree and not worry about transferring. For every minute you spend mulling over whether you made the right decision because of something as whimsical as how a theoretical job interviewer will perceive the name, you are being self-destructive. Trust me. I get caught in the same thought pattern, and I am trying to stop it. The times where I worry about such things exactly correlate to times where I am suffering in my concentration, research output, networking in academia, and just enjoying friends. I had to double take when you said you're in neuroscience. Based on your wording, I thought you were in advertising, business, law, etc. Being in a scientific field offers you a great opportunity to network through the science that you create. This is not a simple case of "Welcome to Dazzling Name University, here's your alumni network." You want name recognition? Let it be ETH2014 (or whatever your name is). Publish, attend conferences, travel the world. ETH collaborates massively in Europe, and I frequently see collaboration between them and many US universities. The only name recognition you should be worrying about is yourself. This is me, someone who is frequently concerned about the "brand" of their degree, telling you, someone who is similarly concerned: Don't do it. Be concerned about your research output, and physical and emotional health. The process of getting out of that thought pattern is something that I still have not solved. But, I am trying to stay out of it. Occasionally I vent here to get some answers and further ideas. As a side note: My goodness. You're in Zurich. You're going to have a very tough time finding a more beautiful place to pursue your degree. It seems that Albert Einstein didn't have much trouble going up against the brand of his ETH Zurich degree
  22. I am very likely running from a deeper issue. It is a MacGuffin in the plot of my life that, right now, hiding in the idea that going to a more elite school will solve my inferiority problems. I think, right now, that going to a more elite school will somehow be a deus ex machina. Suppose I did go to a more elite school? Will I suddenly feel better? Sure. I will most certainly feel better... for maybe a month. What then? The goal would then shift to something else; I would compare myself to fellow students, perhaps. I would envy people with elite family ties, child prodigies, social butterflies. Perhaps the inferiority issue would settle itself within physical fitness, SCCA driving skills, photography skills, number of papers published, number of citations, girlfriends, sexual prowess, for goodness' sake. Perhaps the very title of this thread should have a 'Blank' in the place of "Elite Schools." Right now, what is in the title of the thread is currently the biggest trigger for me. In the past, I could just say, "Well, I never applied, wasn't interested." But I was forced to play that game throughout the application process. Now the ranking systems are etched into my memory. I need to stop the comparison. The grad school application game is over. If I attempt to solve the problem by gaining admission/funding at a top school, my problem will jump ship to something else. At least I know where it is now. I know where it's hiding. It is cornered in something I can easily encapsulate. Now, I need to figure out how to properly address it so I can hang out with people from "better" (I actively attempt to reject the notion of "better") schools without my brain going into such a negative spiral.
  23. Just a preamble for context: Hey everyone. I just wanted to thank the users of this forum, in general, for being extremely supportive. When I was battling my years-long depression when attempting to apply to schools, you offered lots of constructive advice and support. I finally got a full fellowship to a so-called "Top 10" engineering school and am pursuing my Ph.D. there. Much of the mystery around my long-standing depression was finally wiped away a diagnosis of adult ADHD. After starting treatment at the end of last semester, I have to say that this semester has been absolutely fantastic. My grades are all great, I enjoy teaching and helping out the students, the research is starting to fascinate me more, and I have been making ample friends around the city. Overall, I have taken great strides to battle the depression that had resulted from being undiagnosed for so long. My therapist who I have been seeing has been an integral part in forcing me to look at life in a different way. I have not felt this good in years. However, there is still a lingering problem that I have not been able to adequately address. There is still a "trigger" which puts me back into that depressive inferiority-type state. It is hearing about someone (perhaps a peer, a friend in the community) went to a traditionally elite school, usually on the order of the regularly-recognized top-5/10 in the world. I have not been able to adequately address it, and I do not know how I should. This trigger can come from reading about the background of a visiting speaker to the university, to business speakers at conferences, to "people who inspire you"-type bios you read on websites. A great majority of the big leaders in the scientific and business community come from some perceived-elite school. It is rather disconcerting, because it sets off a bit of a logical fallacy in my head. Basically, from an logic standpoint, this is what my brain is doing, even though I know it is logically false: Let A be "went to an elite school." Let B be "highly respected/high salary/perceived as very smart/successful." I keep seeing A and B strongly correlate, so I (perhaps falsely) attribute a cause. So, in my head, I say: "If A, then B." Even worse, my brain furthers this roller coaster of conclusions: "If not A, then not B." Mathematically, this is a false statement. I tell myself this. Just because I do not attend a "big-name" school (as perceived by the general public), does not mean that I will not become successful or am not very smart or whatever. However, my brain is like "I'm going to reject your notion that it is a false statement, because there is probably a strong statistical correlation that you are ignoring. Your chances are slim that you're going to be nearly as successful, much less perceived as being as successful. It is an uphill battle for you." My problems are further exacerbated by the perception of elite schools among my peers. Despite the fact that my school most certainly places professors at schools perceived to be "the very top," fellow graduate students with years of experience seem comfortable with this resigned complacency that they're not as good as students at "top" schools. (Remember, this is still a top 10 school, but not, perhaps, a top 3 school.) Professors who are highly regarded at my school are mentioned by students as being that good because, for example "Oh, he went to Caltech. Those are the best students." Discussions on job prospects frequently are peppered with this implied defeat. For example: "Schools generally do not recruit professors from less-ranked schools." or "SpaceX would be great, but they're looking for the best students from MIT or Stanford." or "It's unlikely you'll get VC funding without those big-name degrees to back you up." There is ample pressure in the academic community which surrounds me, as well as the general public, that one's worth, intelligence, and probability of success are highly linked to the schools from which they came. As a result, I can deeply internalize the triggers that I see, whether it is a Harvard Law lanyard around someone's neck, a Stanford alumnus license plate frame, or a short phrase by a journalist as if to emphasize the importance of one's academic background. e.g. Michael Dell is frequently called a college dropout, while Bill Gates is frequently called a Harvard dropout. I don't want these schools to be triggers. They're all excellent schools, and so are the schools that do not have a name that is not so heavily ingrained in the public subconscious. I want to associate with people from these schools without having that social/class inferiority feeling. This will be very important in the future as I branch out and contact people about research findings and collaborate with them. It is very difficult and I do not know what to do. The best I have been able to come up with is ignore it and hope I don't run into anyone with such a background, but that is just avoidance. Can someone please assist? Can someone help me quash that monster in my brain which is eating away at my sense of self-worth and motivation? I don't want to go through life running into this mental death spiral over and over. The years-long grad school application process (which was rife with trial and error and years of complete rejection) has taken its toll on me, big time. It seems to have ascribed to me a social status with which I want no association. The type of research I do will probably result in me moving to Boston, Seattle, or the SF Bay Area, where I will likely see said school names thrown around all the time. I want to be a ally/fan of those schools, simply because, like other schools, their purpose on the world is a positive one and, like other schools, they output great research findings and potential employees/professors.
  24. TakeruK, Thank you for the information. That is likely going to be the format for our own lab, as well. My interaction is going to be minimal in terms of actual lecturing. I will be doing lots of demonstrating of equipment before they use it, however. The students are given a formal lab report guideline sheet, which surprised me, because we all had a bound style guide book that we had to adhere to. It seems that my concerns about keeping the interest of students, upon further reflection, are rather unfounded. They will be so focused on getting their project done that there will not be much time for sitting around and listening to someone talk about things. I have ample experience helping small groups of students for years, so this should be no different.
  25. I have a question about this. It looks like they changed the eligibility criteria and now allow second year graduate students on their first term to apply. My GPA is definitely less than stellar, however. With time, my doctors noticed that my ADHD coping mechanisms without medication were breaking down during the first year. Now, with the right treatment, I feel completely different. I still managed to keep my GPA high enough to retain my fellowship as well as pass the Ph.D. qualifying exam in the first year instead of holding off a year. The disability office was a massive, massive help, and made me feel at ease. I have also further progressed in my research to the point where I feel like I can make a much more solid proposal. However, the biggest red flag right now is the GPA. It is at least a 3.5, but it is not, like, 3.8+ or anything. If I had the treatment one year prior, then it would have made a world of difference to class performance. My problem was locking up during tests and not performing as well as I had studied. Is it worth trying for it? Since this is a more open-ended application, I feel that I might be able to bring some more influences into the application aside from raw numbers.
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