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Personal Statement BBA - Please Review

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Hey guys this is my Personal statement to HKUST your thoughts and input Are much appreciated.

Thanks

Matt Bradley

I have always been immersed in the world of business. From watching my uncles buy an ownership stake in a multi-million dollar excavation company to store tours with my father, a highly regarded district manager for Dollerama. I am surrounded by inspiration from my family and the people around me. It is now my turn to advance to university and continue a family legacy of business.

Immediately following high school I had an idea that I wanted to progress into business but was to immature to turn my dreams into a reality. Although inexperienced and under qualified I applied for a management level position at Frito Lay Canada. During the final part of the interview I was asked why I should be hired. I replied “ I know I’m young and under qualified, but I also know that I can do this job and I’m just asking you to give me the opportunity to prove it to you.” I am now one of the youngest full time sales representatives in Canada. I have sold a variety of over 150 products in more than 50 cities and towns throughout Saskatchewan. I have experience in areas such as short term sales forecasting, marketing, inventory and auditing procedures as well as the ordering and sales of product, all of these aspects while creating and maintaining relationships with customers. Over the last year and a half I have had the unique opportunity to both mentally and socially mature in an innovative and expanding market. I now strongly believe the business world is where I belong. I know that with the skills I have acquired as well as the ones I will obtain through attendance of this prestigious school will propel me to the top of the business ladder, ultimately accomplishing my goal of leading a successful business.

What really sets me apart is more than just high quality business experience. I bring an honest, hard working character along with a unique and friendly personality. I am quick learning, eager to accomplish and know that I will make a difference. These traits combined with the hunger for knowledge and the passion for business make me a great choice to help represent the student body at HKUST.

With attendance of HKUST I will be able to blossom and shine in an environment filled with some of the worlds top business prospects. I am overjoyed to be able to continue my education, as I look forward to continuing a family tradition of excellence in business.

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Well, I have limited experience in this area like yourself. I will provide what I have learned scanning threads on these forums and elsewhere.

It's rough right out of the gate. Just throwing it out there that your uncle is some kind of business big shot is not a good idea IMHO. I wreaks of self-importance and arrogance. This is the silver-bullet of death for any SoP. Plus, it's an anecdotal start, which most people advise against. And, it's not even one that demonstrates how you are a strong candidate for the program. What did you learn through these experiences?

Same thing for your achievement as a sales rep. You drop in there like it speaks for itself - that you have cred. Tell them what you learned. Don't get me wrong, I think that your experience at Frito-Lay is a really strong selling point for you as a candidate. Don't tell them what you did. Tell them what's in your repertoire, what's in your bag, what skills you have and how you acquired them. More importantly, tell them how they make you equipped to do what you want to do in grad school.

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I agree with the above poster; there's not enough information about how your family inspired you to continue, just that they were inspiring because they are successful business people. Although I'm not familiar with your school's requirements, the paragraph about your personal qualities is a little...odd. If it's not part of the requirements for applying, I'd leave that part out.

In addition, grammatically speaking, you've got quite a few run-on sentences that could use some commas, at the very least, the second sentence is actually a fragment, and there are some awkward phrasings throughout.

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