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Doubt over recommendation provider


lilith142

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I am in a really weird situation right now, thought I should post it up somewhere and get opinions.

I was developing my master's thesis into a scientific paper and I got no help from my supervisor, she was not at all concerned about it. I wrote it all by myself. Later she said, she wanted to be the second author and would help me out.

After I started applying to universities, I asked her to be my recommendation provider, which she agreed to. This was pure out of courtesy, as I wanted her to help me out.

I sent notifications to her 2 months before the deadline, a month before, every week and twice a day of the last week, till ultimately, I got my Mom (imagine my embarrassment) to call her and ask her to send it in.

For my last application, I begged her to send it in. I told her the last date was 25th Jan (it was actually 1st Feb). Now the recommendation was supposed to be sent by email to the university, and I don't have any notification that it has been sent. So now my 'Prof' said she has forgotten if she had sent it in. When I asked her to check, she says I better look for another recommendation provider.

I am thinking she might not have sent a good recommendation to the universities. Is it possible for me to call up and ask them to remove her recco and then I can ask another professor who knows me well, to submit a new one? I really am disturbed right now, I just applied to 4 univs and I don't want it to be ruined.

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Oh sweet minty jesus. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been having such a hard time! I'm not sure about asking them to disregard a recommendation that they have already received, but do you have someone lined up to send a supplemental recommendation to bolster your application?

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It probably depends how far into reviewing the applications they are whether or not it's possible. As someone else observed, lots of the online apps have the option of deleting a recommender.

That really sucks, hope it all works out for you!

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I wonder if the recommender got turned off by all the reminders you sent her--sending a reminder every week for a whole month and then getting your mother to call. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable sending more than one reminder, a week before the deadline. If you find someone else to write the LOR, I wouldn't constantly remind them about it while they are writing, though I know this whole process is nerve-wrecking.

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Depends on who it is. One of my recommendation writers specifically told me to remind him as often as possible, knowing he'd be busy with other things and frequent reminders would likely help. He did end up completing all the recommendations I asked him to, albeit the day before they were due.

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I really don't want to come across as rude, but you LOR writer was probably turned off by the fact your mom called her. And, if she included that information in the LORs, I think that could really hurt your chances.

At this time, you have no idea if your LOR writer wrote a good LOR or not. But, obviously a string of rejections will be a clear and painful answer to your question. You could see if the schools will remove the LOR, but it might raise a red flag on your application nevertheless. To cover yourself, if you have the time and money, maybe you could apply to a few more schools and use a different LOR writer. Also, encourage your mom not to get involved with your LORs. Good luck!

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I'll admit I'm (too) conservative when it comes to sending reminders and it makes sense to stay on top of things, but I think that in any case sending a reminder *twice a day* is too much. I still feel terrible for what you're going through, lilith. I know when I applied to my MA program 2 yrs ago I didn't pester my recommenders (I didn't need to), but looking back, I know I pestered the dept about checking to see if my documents were received. In hindsight I'm not even sure how I still got into the program, I was such a pain in the ass :!: ....

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the mom thing was probably unnecessary, and didn't help your case much. As others have said, if that went into your recommendation, it would probably turn off alot of prospective advisors. Faculty want to know they are dealing with a responsible, mature, and capable person, and don't want to have to stop and think about how to handle helicopter parents.

Some people have sort of suggested that faculty are somehow obligated to write letters of recommendation for anyone at any time- that's NOT true. Faculty are expected to write letters of rec for students they feel are worth recommending, but I cringe at the thought that people think they are somehow entitled to a letter.

It's become such a problem that many faculty are writing letters that are vague and brief, because they fear the legal repercussions if they write something honest. It has begun to erode the integrity of the process, honestly (this coming from the words of a respectable professor I speak with).

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... I sent notifications to her 2 months before the deadline, a month before, every week and twice a day of the last week, till ultimately, I got my Mom (imagine my embarrassment) to call her and ask her to send it in.

To be perfectly honest and a bit blunt, I cannot fathom why you would have reminded her so many times. Did she ask you to do this or was it your own idea? When I applied, I asked my recommenders if they wanted me to remind them at all. Some said yes, while others said no. If you thought she was that unreliable, then why did you ask her at all? Twice a day for the last week??? How do you think she would feel about you during/after that? It suggests you have no respect for her time and also that you don't have much faith in her. And don't get me started on the mom thing... The fact that your prof in the end suggested you seek another recommender speaks volumes about how she feels about you now.

I'm sorry that things don't seem to be working out for you. I think your only real option is to seek additional references to support your application and try to offset any negative comments made by the recommender in question. I wouldn't ask to have a recommender removed. That will definitely tip them off that there is something negative in the letter and OF COURSE they will read it.

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Oh dear.

My policy is to confirm with a prof well in advance of a program's deadline (usually right when I decide to apply) that he/she will be writing a letter, send an official notification/reminder one month before the deadline, and send a 'one week left' e-mail a week before. Lying to profs about a program's due dates is inadvisable because they can easily look up the official information for themselves (and often come across it through online recommendation set-ups or the recommendation forms they have to fill out). They will then hold themselves to the last possible date unless you've made a serious case for why they need to turn things in earlier.

Professors are capable of just as much procrastination as their students, so unless a recommendation is still missing the day before a program's official deadline (if submitted online), you run the risk of needlessly souring a prof's goodwill toward you. Snail mail recs are more difficult to monitor because it takes schools so long to process their paper, but you have to trust in your professor's desire to aid your process. If that trust isn't there on your end (as mentioned in the above post), there's a good chance you've picked the wrong person. Ideally, you should be able to believe, beyond a doubt, in your professor's ability/willingness to come through, no matter how rocky things seem (you're likely not the first person he/she has written for, not by a long shot). Also, if you know your profs well (ie. you care as much about them as you're hoping they care about you), you should probably also know how they respond to deadlines.

One of my absolute favorite profs either turns things in the instant they're due or well after. This is true of everything she does, both in her own work and in her work for students. The reason for this is that she's a crazy perfectionist and will hang on to things until the last possible minute, obsessively trying to make them better. Added external pressure makes her frustrated and angsty, so I was especially careful not to prod her, telling her simply when I planned to have my apps in and what the final deadlines were. She wrote me of her own volition to assure me that things would be submitted in time (she knows I know we're both procrastinators; it's one of the things we roll our eyes about when it comes to each other). And they were! Just barely, but that's just how she operates.

Some parts of this fiasco are clearly beyond salvaging, but I'm glad you have other people to turn to who may be able to serve as pinch hitters. I can definitely sympathize with the panic and worry of waiting on scattered materials... (We all can!) Good luck with this. Just as professors shouldn't feel pressure to write for students they're uninterested in, you shouldn't feel pressured to ask a prof for a rec out of 'pure courtesy.' Go with your gut instinct next time.

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Personally, if a prof didn't seem excited or pleased to be writing a rec for me I'd go looking for someone else to do it. Sounds like she was not really into it from the beginning. I don't know if you can "undo" a recommendation already sent but I would suggest you get someone new asap. Although it was extremely rude of her to keep you hanging like that and she unfairly put you in a horrible situation, it looks pretty immature on your part that you had your mom call her. After something like that, if I were a prof, I don't think I'd write a good recommendation either.

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To be perfectly honest and a bit blunt, I cannot fathom why you would have reminded her so many times.

It suggests you have no respect for her time and also that you don't have much faith in her. And don't get me started on the mom thing...

I really have to agree. If you're at the point of reminding her *twice a day for a week* it's time to ask someone else for a letter. The fact that she was totally hands off on your thesis should have been a tip off that she might not be the most reliable person to write your letter. What's done is done, we all make mistakes, but at some point you have to admit the mistake and head to plan B. But if plan B is having your *mom* bail you out, well frankly I find that a bit concerning.

Good luck either way.

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Mom's have no business being involved in college. Once they get involved in graduate programs, you basically need to transfer. :lol:

Seriously though, no one wants to hear from your mom, especially not someone that you are WORKING for. For those of us in the real world, if we ever had our mom's call in for us for anything besides an emergency scenario where I am unable to call myself, we'd lose all credibility.

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To the OP: sounds rough - it can't hurt to try to get another emergency rec at this point. Good luck!

To everyone else: I would never try to get my mom involved with the application process, but she actually did at one point and it was a godsend. Someone from a school I applied to tried to call me and tell me the vast majority of my materials were "not received" (i.e. lost) and they needed them by 5 PM that day, but I was at work so my phone was off, and she called my mom instead (I think the weird online app asked for emergency contacts, can't imagine how else they got the number). By the time I was able to return calls over lunch, my mom had gotten permission to send electronic copies of everything and persuaded my undergrad to immediately email copies of my transcript (Mom: "I played the [uncommon ethnicity we share with the registrar] card" [WTF?!]). All I had to do was resend my SoP and resume and get in touch with two of my recommenders to email their letters, which was manageable over my lunch break. So moms can be great if they happen to get involved ;)

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