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We must take the learnings from our past ventures to shape the future!

An advice from a tree- “ Stand tall, stay grounded, and enjoy the view”.

It would extremely hard to hold any high rise erect without a solid support. And our past is in a way like a cemented foundation upon which we build the future. And it is crucial that our fundamentals are infallible because it is easier to mitigate any problems or like a building with a fragile foundation will be totally obliterated.

Additionally if we are so determined to shape the future then we ought to do so gracefully. We have to respect the past for the good that it brought, and we have to carry those learnings into our future ventures. Mahatma Gandhi took 200 years to liberate India with his firm belief in Satyagraha and non violence. If compared to the Independence movement led by George Washington, it wouldn’t be as decorous. However he established a philosophy which led us to believe that “pen is mightier than the sword” and was later improvised and implemented by Martin Luther King to champion the African American movement and later by Nelson Mendla to abolish apartheid in South Africa. Therefore it is crucial to make the best of what our history and ventures in the past teach us because much of what we are today is because of our mistakes in the past!

However, past is not the panacea to all the problems we face in the future. Steve Jobs’s iPad is a rage with people all over; but a decade ago nobody knew what tablet was and what its potential was! Nevertheless Mr. Jobs made sure that mankind got to experience this incredible piece of scientific innovation without referring to anything of such kind to take inspiration from!

Therefore it is very evident that our past ventures are immense value. A value that can aid us in discerning the right from the wrong, the good from the evil, the ordinary from the ordinary extraordinary. It is guide to refer when we are confused of what we are supposed to do next. And it is not only necessary preserve it and treasure it but often a take step back and ruminate on it.

I would be extremely grateful if somebody could score my essay and help improve upon it. please!

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@AnthonyGose - Not sure if you're trolling, but I think you're being pretty harsh.

@OP Based on ETS's posted guidelines, I would imagine you'd get around a 3.

Scores 3 and 2.5

Displays some competence in analytical writing, although the writing is flawed in at least one of the following ways: limited analysis or development; weak organization; weak control of sentence structure or language usage, with errors that often result in vagueness or lack of clarity.

I assume that you are copy-and-pasting something you wrote on a practice test? I'm going to make some comments specific to this essay that hopefully will help you going forward as you study for the actual exam. Was the part in bold the prompt? Posting that would allow people to analyze more effectively whether or not you answered the question.

--First of all, I think the essay is too short. Everything I've read says that when it comes to GRE writing, more is more. On testing day, that is something you should focus on, hopefully without sacrificing quality. Profusion can come with practice.

-- The first paragraph is very important to setting the tone for any essay, and this is something you will need to work on. That opening quotation is very distracting. If you simply removed it, the intro would be much improved. You also need to state your thesis more clearly. A final sentence stating something very basic would be helpful, like "Accordingly, it is imperative that we use our knowledge of the past to shape the future", or something similar. Perhaps this is not the most artful rhetorical technique, but the GRE writing section is about making a clear, concise argument.

--I see that you're trying to follow a basic essay structure by bringing in a potential counterpoint, but I think the entire section on tablet PCs is pretty irrelevant. You go from talking about major historical/social/political movements on multiple continents, to talking about a consumer product. If you're going to make such a leap, you need to craft a clear transition. Like, "But an understanding of the past should not impede future innovation. This is especially true in the field of technology. Some of the greatest inventions in recent history would not have been possible if their creators had only focused on what had already been done in the past..."

-- I assume that English is a second language for you. Overall, your usage/grammar is pretty good, but you slightly misuse a few words: "decorous", "improvised", "panacea" (although this last one would be fine if you reworded that sentence, like "studying the past is not a panacea..."). Anyhow, I would try to keep the vocab you use as simple as possible. It's better to use a small word correctly than a big word incorrectly.

-- Finally! Do not use so many exclamation points! This is a punctuation mark that you should use sparingly! Especially in a serious piece of writing! Perhaps two throughout an entire essay! And even then, only if you are really trying to emphasize a point!

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@AnthonyGose - Not sure if you're trolling, but I think you're being pretty harsh.

I didn't think I was being harsh. I thought the passage was too short in length and too shallow in content. I thought the awkward vocabulary lacked precision and that the grammatical errors made the passage generally unclear. Additionally, I didn't really see how any of the examples provided support for the conclusion. Pointing to a couple of historical examples of one person or idea influencing another may establish a descriptive fact about how the past can affect the future, but in no way does it establish the normative claim that the past ought to ground our future decisions. On this note, the author doesn't indicate any possible counterexamples or develop at all the matter of how we are actually supposed to apply our past "learnings." By what criteria do we choose to follow the example of Gandhi but not Hitler? What is stranger is that the author concludes the significance of Gandhi, King, and "Mendla" by saying that we must learn from our past mistakes. Also, as you observe, the Steve Jobs reference is irrelevant, and, along these lines I count no fewer than three sentences which add zero value to the passage but actually hurt it by reading as trite and obtuse.

So, I stand behind the 1/1.5 evaluation, since the passage contains not just the minimum of "at least one," but all of the following problems: (1) "content that is...mostly irrelevant to the assigned tasks"; (2) "serious lack of analysis or development"; and (3) "errors that obscure meaning."

Edited by AnthonyGose
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@AnthonyGose - Your points are well-taken. When trying to come up with a rating, I was thinking about the sample essays I had read in a GRE study guide I used. (I think it might have been the Kaplan). The essay(s?) rated around a 1 were truly incoherent, suggesting that the writers lacked a basic grasp of English. While the OP's essay certainly stands to be improved upon, I think it is generally intelligible and attempts to answer the question, although it definitely does so inadequately. Perhaps with your comments in mind, I would downgrade my evaluation to a 2-2.5, but I wouldn't go lower than that.

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Hi rated your essay using the free online tool available at gmatawa.com

Your score: 4.28 on a scale of 6.00

Explanation for the score

Coherence and connectivity: 2.5/5

Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5

Vocabulary and word expression: 4/5

You can yourself verify at gmatawa.com

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  • 2 months later...

Can anyone rate my issue essay please

==

 

A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position

=====

 

Will it be fair if student A at B College of Radioactivity Engineering has prior knowledge of logarithmic and Student X at same college doesn’t know about it? For me answer is NO, as logs play a major role in radioactive calculations. So, whom to blame for it a student or a school where student B acquired her fundamental education.

If Student B’s school has logs a part of curriculum then she himself is blamed for it for not have prior knowledge.  Let’s rule out this possibility.

Now we are left with school for not including logs as a part of its curriculum which is solely responsible for student B’s ignorance of logarithmic concepts. So here is it right to say if nationwide common curriculum is being followed then it will be fair to all the students until starting of college. I’ll say it has its own pros and cons with it.

If common curriculum being followed is effective then it will be boon not only to student but to whole nation as whole.

For example, we could come with large number of artisans all over the country and their products could be exported which means contribution to economic development and also with exports cultural exchanges increases which is also a good sign of building healthy relation with different country of world. It is all possible because the common curriculum being followed is not only effective but it gives large number of students a broader scope of opportunities available to them.

With common quality curriculum gates of employment is open to our students (indirectly solving problem of brain drain) thus, unemployment rate is getting reduced which is a sign of progressive nation. With low unemployment rate there will be better standard of living which in turn could improve GDP percentage points which directly proportional to economic development.

Quality education to masses can give rise to entrepreneurs & innovators which is a need of the hour for every country around the world. With them there will be more job opportunities, more industrial development, more technological advancement and thus overall nation development.

Here, I would like to mention that all aforesaid is based on assumptions curriculum is qualitative, students are ready to learn and teachers are effective otherwise all can go in vain.

But we can’t rule the possibility that the common curriculum could be ineffective which could be anathema to our nation’s growth. Ineffective curriculum could result in narrower outlook of students and foils student growth. For example they could only see engineering and medical studies as only option after school thus they may feel fettered and may go for drop out the college studies. And whole could broach a vicious cycle of dropouts, unemployment, limited jobs availability, outsourcing jobs and thus overall downgrading economy.

With introduction of ineffective common curriculum we are zeroing the slight chances of coming up with outstanding students which could be possible if every school following their own curriculum and some of them could have more effective then others.  

Thus, all the points said earlier in favour of effective common curriculum could become counterproductive with ineffectiveness of the curriculum.

So, I’ll conclude with nationwide common curriculum is accompanied by pros and cons it’s not a solution but it’s a way to deal with our present problems and could be effective if regular monitoring of while process is done otherwise it could be another fruitless policy of government. 

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Hi piyu,

 

You've got some decent points in your essay, but you have quite a few areas for improvement.

 

You need to have more structure within your paragraphs. You shouldn't have paragraph breaks around single sentences.

 

You use the word "it" far too much. Your usage of "it" makes your points hard to follow. (Contrast that sentence to this: "It makes it hard to follow." The first is more clear!)

 

Your thesis needs to be closer to the beginning of your essay and must be more clear.

 

Avoid informal language such as "I'll say" "So, I'll conclude."

 

I encourage you to find someone to go through the entire essay and highlight all of the grammar mistakes as well.

 

Keep on practicing, and good luck!

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2-3

 

You need to start with some kind of introduction instead of jumping straight into a hypothetical example. You need a thesis to tell the reader your MAIN point - i.e. which side of the argument are you on? Unqualified support? Qualified?

 

Try to have more logical arguments. Sometimes you jump from one point to the next without linking the two logically, like one of the analysis prompts where you are supposed to point out the unwarranted assumptions.

 

For example, "For example, we could come with large number of artisans all over the country and their products could be exported which means contribution to economic development and also with exports cultural exchanges increases which is also a good sign of building healthy relation with different country of world. It is all possible because the common curriculum being followed is not only effective but it gives large number of students a broader scope of opportunities available to them." What do artisans' exports have to do with a common curriculum?

 

"With introduction of ineffective common curriculum we are zeroing the slight chances of coming up with outstanding students which could be possible if every school following their own curriculum and some of them could have more effective then others." Why would a bad curriculum automatically prevent students from excelling?

 

 

Nevertheless, if I were forced to write an examination in a different language, I'm sure my essay would be much worse than yours. So don't be discouraged! All the best.

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So, this essay is bad, but would definitely not get anything as low as a 2. Take a look at the percentiles for analytical writing:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graduate_Record_Examinations#Analytical_writing_section

 

Analytical Writing score Writing % Below 6 99 5.5 96 5 92 4.5 73 4 49 3.5 30 3 11 2.5 6 2 1 1.5 1 1 1 0.5

1

 

There is simply no way this essay is in the bottom 1% of the essay submitted. A score of 3-3.5 is much more likely. This isn't to say that the points that AnthonyGose rose are invalid, they're good, but the grade itself is not going to be a 1-1.5.

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I have come up with new issue essay based on the feedback. Please help me analyzing my effort in it.

 

 

== Scandals ar7e useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

==

 

Reformers or leaders can be the guiding force to address the problems engulfing the society better then the scandals which discloses in public for the alleged wrongdoings. We saw the contribution of M.S. Gandhi, Swami Vivekananda and Nelson Mandela to the society who brought noticeable changes by eradicating the social – evils sprawling prodigiously in their respective countries. Reformers have the deep insight of the society as they are actually the part of it. They observe the prevalent activities within the society and then try to address the problems associated with it in more organized way then any scandals can ever do. M.S. Gandhi advocated for abolishment of untouchability in India. He observed that untouchables were deprived of basic necessities of life and forced to live a pathetic lives thus in order to exhort for equal rights for untouchables he spend time with them and lived with them and helped to eradicate one of the social discrimination practiced in India. In the similar way swami Vivekananda advocated against social evils like child marriages & sati practices which addresses the issues related to child development, education and women empowerment. The problems address by Gandhi and Vivekananda were hindrance not only to human development but to whole society as whole. Scandals are no way closer to turn the focus on these humanitarian issues then reformers can so. As we have seen in our previous example where Gandhi eradicated the untouchability we can say that reformers not only turn our focus on problems they could helps in providing solutions to it. The scandal can only surface the alleged wrongdoing in society irrespective of its authenticity. Investigation committees were built to delve into the scandals and if it comes out to be false it was merely the wastage of time, resources and money. If we go into past and analyse what actually true scandals contributed to society and we can only come up with disclosing of embezzlement of funds that is corruption propagating in the roots society. If we take an example of coal gate scam surfaced last year in India which involved millions of dollars of kickbacks to the beneficiaries which show how corrupt the government is but is it really provide any solution to the corruption problem and everybody knows the answer –No- here scandal shifting focus on one of the problem of society but problem without any solution is of no use. Where the solution of corruption lies? The answer is in effective policies introduced by government governing the society and in other words speaker of public contributing to root out the economic evil of the society. Though earlier example gives impression that scandal can help in disclosing the corruption cases in the society but here we need to understand with effective policing there would be no requirement of scandals to be out there. If we have reformers who vowed to change the system then scandals are the things with no importance at all. Sometimes scandals are the publicity stunts as we have seen the number of actors’ sex scandals which come daily into news with no productive use but just a fame garner or promotional stunt of upcoming venture. So, where these scandals shifting focus to, to water cooler talks, to gossips of daily life rather than addressing the problems of our society. Again, scandals are contributing to wastage valuable time of society. With scandals providing no solutions to problems and only shift focus on few problem of society and entails high risk of wastage of resources and time we can say that rela power of change lies in the hands of our reformers or speakers who with their profound knowledge and skill not only shift focus to problems of society but also spread about the ill effect of it within masses and provide effective solution to eradicate the same. ==

Edited by piyu009
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  • 2 months later...

can some one rate mine?

 

 

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

 

 

 

Whether the deterioration of humans ability to think for themselves depends on how much people rely on technology to solve problems. There are no proven studies associated with technology and a persons cognitive process. Without technology we wouldn't be able to evolve. Technology has made us to be what we are as people today.
 
First, by using technology people can make information more accessible for themselves. For example instead of searching through phone books a person can just pull out their cellphone or go on the internet to look up a businesses number. The accessibility of anything is in the palm of your hands with technology today.
 
Second by using technology you can find more than one way to solve a problem. For example if you wanted to create different cupcakes for a party but did not know how to do it. If you Google the different flavor types that you wanted  the recipes would pop up and the issue would be solved.
 
On the other hand some might argue that you can lose a connection with reality and the people around you. For example getting sucked into a game after you have been playing it for a year a while. you get into the game and don't want to stop even if you keep on losing. However it should not be presumed that by using technology reality becomes a blur. 
 
Thus, technology is something on a wide scope with multiple outlets.  It is not only important for right now but also in the future as we begin to evolve more.
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I'd appreciate it if anyone rate my essay :)

 

 

 

 

Learning is primarily a matter of personal discipline; students cannot be motivated by school or college alone.
 
 
 
 
Do students understand clearly the importance of learning? do students know how can learning effects directly on there future? It's an important issue based on how the student's environment deal with it. School, home, and student are the three sides of this issue, no one of them can has the main role and solve it alone without the other sides. The student must believe in the importance of learning, home must clarify this importance and support him since childhood, and school must provide the appropriate tools whether it's human or not to make good learning environment.
 
 
For example, whether the student is motivated or not, it's impossible to him to get the needed amount of learning in a poor place, in a place that can't persuade the student to stay. School environment must be balanced between the strict teaching and other activities. School must provide activities other than the regular courses such as : Soccer leagues, outside trips...etc. In addition, It's also important to keep the student comfortable in the school, nobody will go to dirty or unhealthy place, nobody can stay and learn without having at least a standard food.
 
 
In the other side, parents role is very important since it's started in the childhood. The child must understand that his life based on learning. Parents have to learn the child how to manage his time, how to set his priorities. Furthermore, parents role continued till university level, in this level parents should let the student to choose the appropriate field for him. It's a big mistake that parents have student's role and force him to study what parents want. 
 
In student's side, all the efforts that mentioned in the previous paragraphs won't make anything if the student can't manage himself. It's important to set priorities, and manage the time between study and any other activities. Student must work hard to get success, whether he supported by home or motivated by school, none of them will do anything without the student's desire to get success.
 
 
In conclusion, this issue is related to a multiple sides, each side must complement the other sides to pass this essential phase of any person life. It can't based on one side to do it all and cover the failure of the other sides. Any failure from any side will effect directly on learning phase which will effect on nations' future.
 
 
 
exactly 397 words
Edited by msb2012
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This is an argument essay

 

 

"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."

 

 

Here is my response.

 

 

 

 

The author stated that firms should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep. It's clear that author connects the profit's increase with number of working hours for these executives. To be succeed in any job, it needs a lot of things to be done rather than number of working hours such as : training - quality of products offered by firms .... etc. This argument is rife of holes and assumptions with no evidences at all. So, it's not strong enough to persuade employers.
 
 
First, in studies that cover a large amount of employees, 300 is very small sample. People are vary in many things, 6 hours of sleep may be enough for someone, but surly not enough at all for someone else. Some very skilled people can't work very well without enough time of sleeping. So, based on this argument, employers will ignore a huge number of skilled people.
 
 
In addition, the author assumed that people who need a small amount of sleeping are profitable for their firms. Rising firms profits based on many things such as : training offered for executives - quality of services and goods they advertise for - after purchase services ... etc. There must be a detailed study among all these firms to find the real reasons for increasing or decreasing profits. It's impossible to advertise for bad products or very expensive products.
 
 
 
Last, in these studies there must be a full questionnaires filled by these executives to evaluate their working environment. Many things may effect on their performance such as : salary - bonuses - health insurance... etc. Some firms can motivate their executives by providing a perfect environment which will lead executives to do better job.
 
 
 
 
In sum, the author ignored a lot of criterias that may effect on firm's profits and focused on executives working hours. Increasing profits need a detailed studies, high quality training, and a very skilled staff. Finally, people are vary in their physical attributes, 6 sleeping hours isn't a constant measurement for everybody, some other things may or may not play a big role based on each person.
 
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"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."

 

300 is actually a very large sample size, and arguing that it is too small would not work well.

 

I won't write a full argument essay but I will tell you tell you my train of thought right after reading this prompt. 

 

 

1. Recap the paragraph and state my belief that the conclusion is wrong via a thesis.

 

2. Challenge the assumption that someone who reports needing 6 or less hours, actually does need 6 or less hours.  Keep in mind, you are asking people to personally report back their requirements, not actually what is required.  We must first ask, how do we interpret the participants responses.  Is there bias, are they grounded in reality, or, are perhaps the participants responding with what they think is the best answer choice.

 

 

I would also consider peak performance and how much sleep is required.  Yes the best employees might say they need at least 6 hours, in the same way me and you can agree, we need at least 6 hours, but that might mean, we need at least 6 to get out of bed and be alive, not that we need 6 for optimal performance.

3.  Is sleep the critical thing here, or is it something else?  Perhaps people who reported sleeping more, had something else going on.  Perhaps treatment of staff, allows staff to be more relaxed and less stressful, hence it is easier for them to sleep.  Any number of variables could be influencing their sleep pattern, and these variables are not guaranteed to switch over when the employee goes from company to company.  It might be more worthwhile to examine what constitutes for these employees quality sleep, rather than asking how much sleep they need. 

 

4. Practicality of results. Assuming the premise, employees who sleep less are more productive and have faster growth is true, is this sustainable?  Yes of course someone who works more and sleeps less, all else equal, will be more productive.  But will this person still be productive in a year?  In two?  In ten?  Are you risking losing employees over the span of time, due to less than stellar health conditions?  If you have exceedingly fast growth for a year at the expense of employees sleep, but than after that year the employees feel burned out, what do you do then?  Might you be starting back at ground zero, in which case much of that growth will now need to be picked up by new employees?

 

5. Conclusion, re-wrap of intro paragraph and conclusion, with final points.

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I have the GRE coming up June 8th so i'm trying to develop my writing skills for the GRE. First as you would expect I'm asking someone to rate my essay so thanks in advance if you do this for me. I do have a questions for the instructions. If our instructions don't mention anything about providing an opposing opinion and rebuttal then is it even necessary to write an opposing opinion? Would it help to do this? Could it potentially hurt us by not following instructions? I left my spelling errors and all and used a text editor that doesn't supply spelling corrections and i'm getting used to that along with being timed. 

 

I just realized this one does ask for us to write examples to challenge our position...So that's already missing but please rate as is still thanks.

 

 

ISSUE: Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
 
INSTRUCTIONS: Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
 
ESSAY: This statement bolsters the argument that institutions should take initiatives to guide students into a career path that is more likely to succeed. There is a variety of different views that constitues what is successful and what is not. Educational institutions don't have the right to claim what makes a field successful. In my opinoin, there is a place for all fields of study and forcing a student into a specific field may drive that student to quit. Ultimately it is the responsibility of parents and family to assist in guiding an individual into which career they should choose. I believe that it is not in the interest of the student to make it manditory that schools and institutions push students into a career path, but should be the responsibilty of a parent or close family member.
 
First, you can measure success in many different ways. By simply measuring variables of income and vacation time isn't analogous to a person's happiness. Even taking surveys to ask individuals how happy they are in their careers can give a false sense of what job market is actually succeeding. Since schools only have the ability to get to know each student for four years, they aren't equipped to know what career a student would thrive in only what would make more capital. The school has the tools to inspire the student by showing him or her what is out there, but shouldn't be making those decisions for them. 
 
Second, students are the best at knowing what they want to do. Although there can be some that lack motivation or some that don't know what they want to do, students know what their passion is better than anyone else. They may not know the exact place they would like to work for or the exact major they intend to pursue, but they do know what makes them excited about learning. When I was in high school, just a year from graduating, I had no clue I wanted to major in computer science, but I knew that technology and the idea of computing fascinated me. The only thing I lacked was somebody to give me a sense of direction, but the last person I wanted this direction from was my school.
 
Therefore, students need guidance, and not just a roadmap that points them to what would make the most money. I feel like the best place for students to get this advice from is their parents or a close family member. These are the people that know what kind of person the student is and doesn't see them as a student. They know how far their ambitions will push them in pursuing what they need to acheive and what problems they may have while getting there. 
 
In conclusion, schools may excel in reporting statistics and giving you inspiration of what is out there. Students know what inspires them and what makes them want to quit before they've even started. Parent will be the ones that know how far their child can go and how to prep them for executing their pursual of knowledge. The guidance should not come from the school but should be the responsibility of the parent. 
 
NOTE: I had in mind to say something along the lines of "what if the parents aren't there for the student" as a potential opposing opinion  to which I would have responded something along the lines of "I can see the possibility of the school having some more involvement in this case but more on the lines of a student seeking out a mentor rather than and administrative rule where the teacher has to help the student". 
 
Edited by CompSciForGrad
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  • 5 months later...

Please rate my essay.... 

 

"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."
 
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
 
 
 
The author's argument that business in Central plaza is reduced because of increase in popularity of skateboarding is flawed. The author not only uses ambiguous and vague words to make his conclusion, but also fails to draw relationship between increase in the amount of litter and vandalism to the popularity of skateboarding.
 
 
To begin, the author's conclusion is largely based on the idea that all shop owners's business has dropped considerably because of skateboarding. This is based on the assumption that almost all shop owners's business has gone down. However, this assumption is unwarranted. The author uses certain vague and ambiguous words to draw his conclusion. He assumes that many store owners as all the store owners of the central plaza. The word many can be inferred in many ways. It could mean only few shop owners would have believed that their decrease in business is because of skateboarding, while others might have got different opinion. There are chances that it might be because of introduction of online shopping websites, for example. For author to evaluate the argument, he should have mentioned the definition of the word many in this context. Since the author does not provide clearer definition of the word many, it is impossible to arrive at his conclusion. 
 
Additionally, he also assumes that increase in litter and vandalism is because of skateboarding without providing any evidence to validate the same. There is no relationship between increase in popularity of skateboarding to the increase in the litter and vandalism in the author's argument. Increase in litter and vandalism could be because of many other factors such as increase in the amount of rural people to the city, there by to the central plaza etc. To make the argument stronger, the author should have established relationship between increase in the litters and vandalism and the increase in the popularity of skateboarding. Since the author fails to draw this relationship, his argument cannot be concluded.
 
The argument could be strengthened if the author were to define the key terms. Also, the argument could be further strengthened if the author was able to draw relationship between increase in litter and vandalism to the increase in popularity of skateboarding. As it stands, however, in its current form the argument is flawed.
Edited by sameersrinivas90
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  • 1 month later...

HI,

My name is Rawan and i am requesting if anybody can help me by rating my GRE argument essay. This is my first essay. I appreciate any comment.

 

the topic is "The city council of Smithville has instituted changes to police procedures to improve the visibility of the police force. These changes require that the town hire more police officers, budget more funds for police overtime, and direct officers to patrol significantly more often on foot rather than from their patrol cars. These improvements in visibility will significantly lower the crime rate in Smithville and make its citizens feel safer

 

My essay:

 

The city council of Smithville is increasing the police visibility in order to lower the crime rate in the area and make it feels safer. However, the memo includes some actions that could be done, without any evidences for their efficiency. Furthermore, it doesn’t consider other factors that could affect the safety aside with the low police profile. It includes some solutions for the problem without evidences to prove their efficiency in solving the low safety and high crime rate in Smithville area.

 

First, the memo suggests that the low police profile in the area is the reason that makes it dangerous, neglecting that other factors could affect the safety,  for instance, the efficiency of the current police system there. It doesn’t take into account that current regulation and arrangements of police in regards to this area could be inefficient. In such case, increasing the officers working will not solve the problem; on the other hand, it could make it more intense.

 

Second, the writer claims that the current police officers are less likely to work overtime without any evidence that this is true. Increasing overtime payment would increase police members’ tendency to work overtime, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t working enough before. Another solution the context suggests was directing officers to petrol more often on foot rather that in patrol cars. This action, most of the times, could lead to the complete opposite, whereas, people will be alarmed that the area is not safe instead of increasing the safety feeling. For instance, if I wake up and find an officer in front of my house, I would feel that some crime has happened in my neighborhood. This could distract anybody and kept him feeling less secured.

 

The Smithville city council memo stats the problem of the low safety and high crime rate in the area, suggesting that this is an effect of the low police profile. It includes some solutions for this problem without evidences on their efficiency. The memo needs to state how those suggested actions solve this dilemma.

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Your essay is making claims not supported by the memo.

 

Second, the writer claims that the current police officers are less likely to work overtime without any evidence that this is true. Increasing overtime payment would increase police members’ tendency to work overtime, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t working enough before.

 

The memo does not claim current police officers are less likely to work overtime. The memo directed a larger budget for overtime, but that simply means people are working more hours so they earn more pay.

 

 

The Smithville city council memo stats the problem of the low safety and high crime rate in the area, suggesting that this is an effect of the low police profile. It includes some solutions for this problem without evidences on their efficiency.

 

The memo never actually states that Smithvile has a high crime rate, only that increased visibility will lower the current crime rate. The reader may assume a high crime rate, but never, ever assume anything on the GRE.

 

 

 This action, most of the times, could lead to the complete opposite, whereas, people will be alarmed that the area is not safe instead of increasing the safety feeling. For instance, if I wake up and find an officer in front of my house, I would feel that some crime has happened in my neighborhood. This could distract anybody and kept him feeling less secured.

 

Personal anecdotes are not a strong form of argument. All I have to do in order to rebut this is say, "Well, I would personally feel safer if an officer were outside my house."

 

 

First, the memo suggests that the low police profile in the area is the reason that makes it dangerous, neglecting that other factors could affect the safety,  for instance, the efficiency of the current police system there. It doesn’t take into account that current regulation and arrangements of police in regards to this area could be inefficient. In such case, increasing the officers working will not solve the problem; on the other hand, it could make it more intense.

 

Use specific examples. I don't know what you mean by "it could make it more intense." You say the memo "neglects other factors" - what types of potential factors?

 

I would also suggest checking your grammar throughout.

 

In general (for everyone posting essays to be graded on this board): your best bet, rather than to post an essay and wait for people to argue over whether it's a 2, a 3, a 4...just WRITE. Sit down and write essay after essay. Read up common types of logical errors - circular reasonings, fallacies, false assumptions, etc - and be able to explain them backwards and forwards. Practice outlining an essay and coming up with specific, real-world examples. Learn to proof-read your own work. Grad school applicants aren't going to help you nearly as much as actual writing is - especially because there is a strong correlation between long essays and high scores.

Edited by katethekitcat
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  • 6 months later...

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them

 

 

Leaders are found in every organisation and enterprise we see around in the world , whether it be school, college, business enterprise, government.For running all of before mentioned organisation and institutions successfully a leader with qualities of confidence, tolerance and good decision making power is required to lead the members of  organisation.a leader is thus like a guiding light to its group or organnisation member.Where he goes or what he thinks the whole group move along with him.Now the question raised here is that whether these leader are created by demands placed on them that is the cirmustances are responsible for creating leader or not.Well in my view circumstances are responsible for creating leaders, these circustances are difficult situations where a group is unable to make a particular decision as to go in which direction, at that point of time the person with good vision and judgement emerges out as a leader.

Mahatma gandhi -also known as "father of nation" in INDIA ,was an ordinary man from a normal middle class brahman family in INDIA.He was just like every other citizen of india , got his primary education from a school in village.Then he studied Law as a major in his college.And then eventually he moved to south africa as a barrister for earning money.Just like everyone does to earn money. then how he turned out to be great leader in the racist struggle of people of south africa ?answer to this question is that circumstances there made him to stand before the government and made to fight for the cause of people.Its becaise people where sufferng a lot in S.Africa due to racism he got the opprtunity to use his barrister skill and stand before the wrong doers.qualties of good decision making , tolernace , fluecy , clarity of ideas was present in him earlier also but circumstance were responsible in deriving out the true leader out of him.Thhis is how his journey as a freedom fighter started in S africa and continued in india, rest story we all know now , why he is known a " father of nation ".

There are other examples also -the presidential election of US .There were two parties -Democratic headed by Mr.Obama and repulicans headed by mitt romney.
Now out of both why only Mr obama emerged out as a leader of US having population of around 314 million people.both Mr obama and Mr. mitt romney were having qualities of a good leader like confidence , fluency , line of idealogy.But Mr . obama only got the chance to become the leader because his line of idealogies and pilices were found more suitable to the growth and prosperity of the country.Thus the overall elction represent the demand of people ,and since OBAMA idealogies and way of working met those demands he was chosen as US president.thus here also demands became the basis for begeting the Leader.

For those saying that leader are not created by demands could quote the example from history when dictatorial rule exist , king son used to be the ultimate heir chosen irrespective of the fact that the king's son do posess leadership qualties or not.There are many example where these kind of leaders chosen set an good exmple of leadership like  majesty AKBAR during whose region every culture flourished, people were happy and enjoying prosperity and few exmaples like king aurangzeb in whose reign people suffered in misery due to his orthodox and non liberal view toward other religion and sects.

Thus in the end we can conclude from our above discussion that presence of leaders are world class visionary leaders like Obama, stevejobs , mahatma gandhi and amny more,  now adays a good leader are usually created by the demands of people .

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I have seen people rating essays here so it would be a big help if you can pass your comments here.

 

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

 

The author states that the basket found in the area of Lithos couldn’t be of Palean people. He gave his argument by stating that they didn’t have any boats to travel to another side of river which was very deep and wide, so the basket couldn’t belong to Palean ‘s pre historic age. This argument of author lacks several considerations and can be weaken in many ways.

 

First the author says that the river is very broad and deep which can be crossed with the help of boat, but the author never states that the level of water in the river was the same in the ancient time of Palean people. The river might have not that much strong and they could have manged to cross it by swimming itself. The author provides no concrete evidence regarding the status if river in earlier times.

 

Secondly, the author points out that the distinct basket found in the Lithos which could be brought on the other side of river with the help of boats, but since there was no evidence reagrding the Palean people having boats, the author refutes the argument that the dinstinct basket can’t be of Palean people. It can be weaken by stating that, it might be the case that Palean didn’t travel to the another side of river to Lithos but he never says that Lithos might have travelled to Paleans. The basket might have brought by the Lithos themselves to their village rather than Paleans. And author gives no evidence of about the boats in Lithos whether they have it or not.

 

Thirdly, Author gives no discription of weather status of ancient times of Paean and Lithos. The basket which was found in Lithos might have brought by the flood. The area of Palean and Lithos might be flood prone area where the flood took place twice or once a year or two. The basket could have travelled to the Lithos by means of flood water which totally makes it the artifact of Palean people.

 

 

So in conclusion, these evidence truly weaken the author’s argument regarding the basket and point out serious flaws which weakens the argument overall.

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  • 2 months later...

Please evaluate my essay on the scale of 0-5

 

 Topic: The nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum untill thehyh enter college

 
The National Curriculam is the Study which the Student follows for his academic qualification for a particular period 
of Time. Now a Days, students all over world have diversity in the Curriculum. Not only in the nations but also the 
Different states in the Nation have their own curriculum to follow. This Leads to Huge diversity in the 
Student Study behaviour. The Most of the Students in Western Countries like America, Canada etc are interested in the 
Science and Technology whereas as Students in the Eastern Countries like India, China etc are interested in the Mathematics.
This Diversity exist in the Internal areas of same Nation also. Let us Take an Example of Indian National Curriculam. 
In India there are three main national curriculams i.e ICSE, SSC, CBSE. These three have variantions in the scope of study. 
The students studying in the ICSE National Curricullam are able to perform well in the competitive examinations whereas in
the SSC the situation is very pathetic that students couldn't perform well in the competitive examinations even though the
 students could do well in the Academic Examinations . This Example shows how it effects the students of diversified curriculam. 
So, The Common National Curriculam should be made available to every student which could help them do well in every aspect of their careers. 
The situation may arise some students may not cope up with the common curriculam that the merit students can follow. 
In that case on regular basis the examinations should be conducted to those particular students.
 
Based on their Performance the students should be give appropriate guidance by assingning them with the secondary curriculam with a different pattern of study. 
And Conducting tests for the students and based on the results the Staff of Teaching Department should decide whether to make him follow the same curriculam or jump 
to the Common National Curriculam. This method could help in removal of diversity so that the merit students will get the perfect Cirriculam to follow.
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