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Finding a husband in graduate school.


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You seem to have this problem often. Maybe you are scaring guys off with your high expectations of what they should invest in a relationship?

I don't know what I need to do, I didn't pressure this guy or talk about a relationship or even do anything wrong. I actually thought the whole thing was moving too fast which I was going to bring up next time we hung out. I just feel so annoyed! I was so close to a relationship. I don't even know if I liked him that much but still

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I'm a good wife and mother. My qualities as a wife: I am a whole person without him. I love him and I have trouble sleeping without him there (seriously, it's a pain), but I do not need him to be hap

False. A lot of people who posted (myself included) were NOT in "a relationship at 23." People have given you PLENTY of great advice on this thread (and the other one that you've been posting in), and

Really? Ok but you're a guy (I assume, from the username) so you have forever and a day to meet someone and have kids and stuff. You have no limit on your time to reproduce or anything whereas I'm 23

To expand on my previous post... Your reasons for making a good wife are kind of embarrassing. What makes someone a good wife, to add on to what Loric said, is someone who is just a good person. I mean good person as in their all around "being." Learning how to live with each other comes later. The important thing is learning how to "be" with each other. That's why it's important to just know who you are, be independent, have a high character, be interesting, etc. That's what everyone should strive for, regardless of if they're looking to get married. 

 

On the other hand, your qualities for being a good wife are your ability to learn quickly (whatever that means), your obedience, your loyalty, your ability to stay in a conversation that doesn't interest you (I assume to please your husband). To be frank, it sounds like you're striving to be a robot. What was that movie? The Stepford Wives or something. You have a 1950's mentality that a wife should know how to cook and clean while the husband is at work and then ask good question (like, "How was your day, honey?") at the dinner table. 

Are you serious? What exactly are you contributing to this conversation? This is a topic about finding husbands in graduate school. She is being honest and  describing herself as a pleasant person and how this might lead to easy conversations with people, which lead to relationships, which might lead to marriage. And so you criticize her for sounding nice? How is being a people person equal being a robot? 

 

I don't know, I was just casually reading this and felt compelled to jump to her defense, because I think she is too nice to tell you you sound like a jerk. 

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Guest Gnome Chomsky

Are you serious? What exactly are you contributing to this conversation? This is a topic about finding husbands in graduate school. She is being honest and  describing herself as a pleasant person and how this might lead to easy conversations with people, which lead to relationships, which might lead to marriage. And so you criticize her for sounding nice? How is being a people person equal being a robot? 

 

I don't know, I was just casually reading this and felt compelled to jump to her defense, because I think she is too nice to tell you you sound like a jerk. 

If you go back and read the previous 12 pages, you would understand the context of my comment. I forget exactly because it was a few pages back, but it was something along the lines of Pinkster saying the things that would make her a good wife are that she's a fast learner, she would like to please her husband, she can cook, clean, etc. I was saying (along with many other people) that when it comes to relationships she seems to come off as desperate and cares more about the guy than her own well being. I don't think I've contributed nothing to this thread, like you've said. I've posted a lot and a lot of people seem to have liked my comments. I know Pinkster is nice. That's part of the problem. If you actually read this thread, you'll see that people are trying to help her. The main thing I've been trying to do (along with other people) is tell her to respect herself and not let a guy take advantage of her. I'm sorry you feel like I've contributed nothing to this thread. I am typically a jerk (usually just for the heck of it) but I don't feel like I've been one at all in this thread. But thanks for your input. 

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So the guy I WAS talking to just told me he is too busy with work to maintain a relationship... Literally people care so much about working! if you care about someone you should make time for that. It's total crap. 

So you want a guy who will be financially stable enough (a.k.a. with a good job) so that you can stay at home with the kids... but you don't like that guys care so much about working?

 

I have a few friends who hate working. I can give you their number. 

Edited by JoeyBoy718
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If you go back and read the previous 12 pages, you would understand the context of my comment. I forget exactly because it was a few pages back, but it was something along the lines of Pinkster saying the things that would make her a good wife are that she's a fast learner, she would like to please her husband, she can cook, clean, etc. I was saying (along with many other people) that when it comes to relationships she seems to come off as desperate and cares more about the guy than her own well being. I don't think I've contributed nothing to this thread, like you've said. I've posted a lot and a lot of people seem to have liked my comments. I know Pinkster is nice. That's part of the problem. If you actually read this thread, you'll see that people are trying to help her. The main thing I've been trying to do (along with other people) is tell her to respect herself and not let a guy take advantage of her. I'm sorry you feel like I've contributed nothing to this thread. I am typically a jerk (usually just for the heck of it) but I don't feel like I've been one at all in this thread. But thanks for your input. 

 

I can vouch for this. He's also providing a much needed guy perspective on the situation. 

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I appreciate all the advice given. I actually honestly need the toughness because I am tough too and I don't backdown easily. I totally understood where Joeyboy was coming from because my dream was/is to have that 1950s lifestyle so I got what he was saying and I need a guys opinion. I don't have a lot (any) male friends to tell this stuff to so being able to come here and get all kinds of opinions is great.

As far as guys lol I don't want someone who doesn't want to work but I just hate when guys prioritize work over a relationship, like why be on a dating website looking for a relationship if you would just throw away a person who is good for you so you can work all the time. I need to date someone older who has an established career. I'm only going like 30 and up and those older guys probably want marriage and a family sooner.

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I would suggest you calm down with the whole "my friends are doing it and so I must have this too" thing. I suspect the way you know this is via facebook. We all see it happening.  Just keep in mind that the pictures may not present the real story and your friends may not be as happy as they seem. The first round of marriages leads to the first round of divorces- I'm only 25 and I'm already starting to see the friends who got married in their early 20s hitting relationship snags and talking seperation. Right now we are all still figuring ourselves out. If a grad degree is really what you want, go for it! Get it, girl!  But this time in your life should be about you doing you. Maybe you'll meet someone in grad school, maybe you won't. But you are SUPER young right now and there is no rush. And there are PLENTY of ways to meet people outside of school. Work, friends' weddings, meetup groups, friends of friends, online dating, etc. Calm yourself and focus on what's most important- building yourself the life you want. 

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I would suggest you calm down with the whole "my friends are doing it and so I must have this too" thing. I suspect the way you know this is via facebook. We all see it happening.  Just keep in mind that the pictures may not present the real story and your friends may not be as happy as they seem. The first round of marriages leads to the first round of divorces- I'm only 25 and I'm already starting to see the friends who got married in their early 20s hitting relationship snags and talking seperation. Right now we are all still figuring ourselves out. If a grad degree is really what you want, go for it! Get it, girl!  But this time in your life should be about you doing you. Maybe you'll meet someone in grad school, maybe you won't. But you are SUPER young right now and there is no rush. And there are PLENTY of ways to meet people outside of school. Work, friends' weddings, meetup groups, friends of friends, online dating, etc. Calm yourself and focus on what's most important- building yourself the life you want. 

 

Facebook is like watching someone's highlight reel.  You see the best parts of their lives.  You don't see the photo of them huddled in their dark bedroom eating out of a gallon tub of low-carb ice cream wearing pajamas having not left their house all weekend.  Or have a live feed of their arguments with their husband/wife.  You see fun!romance!party!awesome!cool!   Because that's the person they want to APPEAR to be.

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I would focus on your work for the first semester and get a feel for what the time demands are and what you realistically have available for outside pursuits like dating.  If you turn out to be a graduate student that has the extra time, then go ahead!  But keep in mind that the demands and lifestyle of a graduate student may not be fully understood or appreciated by those who haven't gone through it, and that can cause tension in newly-forming relationships.

Keep in mind, also, that departments typically frown upon graduate students being romantically involved with anyone from the department (including other graduate students).  

 

To be honest, though, I have personally witnessed friends with similar approaches (one was 19 when she began seriously 'family hunting') crash and burn.  She got married at 19, they were a horrible match, separated at 20, formally divorced at 21.  It's when she went on ahead and did what she wanted to do that she found someone--they're together and have a son now. In my opinion, doing what you want to do and what you love will expose you to others who feel the same.  You're more likely to find a decent relationship by chilling out and not forcing it too much.

(As far as lifestyles and life decisions, there are really no rules saying you have to be married and reproduce by a certain time.  Forcing yourself to meet these invisible deadlines could put you in a miserable situation where all you've accomplished is a mediocre marriage held together by squawking children.)

 

I know that, had my relationship from undergraduate ended, I would be single until I finished graduate school.  It's enough to try and maintain a relationship that's been around a while, even one where we live together, because of the demands of graduate school.  In fact, I'd bet money that we'd have broken up by now had he not also attended graduate school and had a personal understanding of the lifestyle.

 

But yeah.  If you can handle the workload and are up-front with what you're life is right now--all the power to you and good luck!  In the meantime, use your time as a graduate student to build yourself as a person and learn more about who you are.  

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Keep in mind, also, that departments typically frown upon graduate students being romantically involved with anyone from the department (including other graduate students).  

 

I am not sure if "typical" is correct, because in my experience, this has never been a problem in the 3 departments I've been to. But obviously, my experience may be skewed but yours could be too! I think something like a quarter of the graduate students in another department on my campus are married to each other! My current school's official policy is that relationships are okay but if a graduate student is involved in a relationship with someone in the class that they are TAing (grad students are TAs for both undergrad and grad classes) then they must let the department know that a personal relationship exists. I don't think this means they have to identify the other person in the relationship though, and then the prof/department will make arrangements to avoid any conflict of interest (e.g. assign that student's work to be graded by the prof or another TA or switch TA positions).

 

Everyone should always be aware of the "norms" in their department and act accordingly to protect their interests. But at some level, the department cannot control everything--so if there are enough people that don't like the policy, they should do something! Also, I think it is pretty hypocritical to not allow relationships between graduate students when relationships between professors aren't that uncommon (especially through spousal hires).

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Do you think accumulating a lot of grad school debt makes someone less dateable? Just wondering?

 

I think this is really going to depend on each couple. This may be an important factor for some people. But to other people, they might be looking for someone who is Jewish, or someone who is educated, or someone who has brown hair, or someone who drives a truck, or someone who hates olives. So, sure, having debt might be a turn off for some people, but it might not matter for others, and the experience you get in grad school might make you more "dateable"! I think you have a solid plan of getting your education completed while trying to achieve your other goals. So I think you should go ahead and do what you want for yourself and find someone who will want to be with you because of who you are, instead trying to make every action turning into some ultimate "most dateable" type of person.

 

There are just so many different types of people with so many different desires that there is no way you can be "more dateable" in category without knowing that it won't make you "less dateable" in another. So, look out for yourself first, I say!

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I think that finding a husband in Graduate School is a great goal! Totally doable for sure, and while that ticking biological clock sounds pretty intense to me as a laid back man, I think most everyone understands that many women start to feel it in their mid 20s. Just a part of how the universe works, right?

 

However, focusing on getting married might place too much pressure on everything. Think about it this way: Say you are on a first date with some oblivious guy who finally plucked up the courage to ask you out after some serious flirtation. If you are super goal-oriented, and constantly thinking about marriage, then you will probably be more stressed out about the future and what everything means. There will be a latent thread through all your interactions with him that say "You're nice and all, but where is this heading? Because my clock is ticking buddy..." If you are feeling this, he will probably pick up on it.

 

It sounds like you know some stuff that is great about yourself. Now you just need to go find someone who you actually think is great, not just someone who "fits the bill because somethings gotta give." There are as many ways to catch a man as there are cures for hiccups. If all else fails, just wear low cut tops... Now, I'm not saying you should act like someone you aren't, because for a marriage to work best, you should probably both understand eachother and like eachother's genuine selves. Also, despite a little intensity, you sounds heaps cool, so why mess with that too much, right?

 

I'm in my late 20s, not married, grain of salt, etc. Also, never ever ever let anyone treat you poorly because your are feeling desparate and out of options. You still are young, and even though your forcasting sounds legitimate(years needed for relationship, marriage, babies, etc), you have options.

 

Good luck and have fun!

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Thank you!! I feel like I could join EHarmony after I figure out this grad school thing and meet someone. I mean I don't see why I couldn't meet someone to marry. I'm funny and smart and nice and cute and I would be a good wife and mother. I saw my therapist today and I realized that this needs to happen soonish because I can't imagine like dealing with people with issues like teen pregnancy I would be so jealous, or people in happy relationships but who have other issues like depression (I don't know how someone could be depressed and married... If I was married I would be the happiest person alive).

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One last question, how lenient are you in terms of standards and looks (this has nothing to do with the convo but I need it for my own personal reassurance)? Would you consider yourself shallow? I met a guy problem is he lives in PA with his 3 kids (he was married and then got divorced all his kids are the product of that and I can't be upset about that's he's older than me by a lot so it is to be expected) I thought that fact that he lived in PA was a problem, turns out its like 1 and a half hours away which is good and if I go to school there who knows? We could like get a place and live with his kids and stuff! Anyways one of my biggest peeves is teeth I'm so weird about them well he has never shown me himself smiling. I have a million smile pics because I have a huge smile lol I'm scared he jas bad teeth but other than that he's great. But I can't like date someone who isn't somewhat attractive, you know? Idk I'm scared. I also met a great perfect guy in KY (the reason I want to go to UK so badly) but he wants to meet soon and I can't just go there I'm scared even though I trust him kind of I mean he doesn't seem crazy and he has a daughter so he can't be that bad of a person you know?

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::blink::

 

:huh:

 

Shouldn't you be spending more time on one of those dating sites geared towards people...uhm, dating for graduate students? One of those specialty dating sites or something? I think I just got spam in my email for something like that. 

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::blink::

 

:huh:

 

Shouldn't you be spending more time on one of those dating sites geared towards people...uhm, dating for graduate students? One of those specialty dating sites or something? I think I just got spam in my email for something like that.

I haven't ever seen one but if you remember the name inbox it too me. I met those guys on okcupid, I have also used pof and the free version of Christian mingle. I might pay for Eharmony soon, those people get married faster

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Pinsker, if you were my friend or family member, I'd want to come right over there (wherever you are) and personally knock some sense into you. Two things.

 

First, you CANNOT force a relationship, no matter how much you want it. It's just not how things work. Vetting every person you meet once for whether you want to marry them and have their children is NOT going to get you into a relationship any sooner. It's going to scare anybody with half their wits about them the hell away. You're moving at an unreasonable pace even for people who are also looking for someone to settle down with relatively soon. You're not using the early stages of dating for the right things - just getting to know the other person and finding out if you're in principle compatible. Slow down, there's a lot to learn about another person who you are considering having a committed relationship with, and as someone who wants a traditional family and marriage, you want to make sure you get this right.

 

Second, and more importantly -- you are putting yourself in all kinds of danger by signaling so openly that you are so desperate. People WILL take advantage of that, and it will NOT work out well. You sound alarmingly trusting (parents can't be bad people, seriously??) and/or willing to take unreasonable risks for some imagined reward that is just NOT there in the way that you think it is. Snap out of it, things will happen when you least expect it, once you calm down and stop with this manhunt. Focus on just being with yourself and getting to know YOU and what you want in life, and I promise it'll lead to a better ability to be part of a couple down the line.

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Have read the original post and responses pretty thoroughly (had insomnia last night). While I was suspicious that Pinkster12 was a troll, I'm pretty confident that's the case, given her most recent posts here.

 

They've taken ridiculous to a new level - - worried about the current online potential husband not having teeth, worried that she would be inappropriately jealous if faced with counseling a pregnant teen, worried she couldn't provide understanding or support to a married woman who might be depressed. We're being phished folks! As a matter of fact, her grammar and syntax changed in her last few posts from her previous style. I suspect there are two people playing us in this absurd thing, and they just ractcheted it up a notch.

 

 

 

 

       

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Have read the original post and responses pretty thoroughly (had insomnia last night). While I was suspicious that Pinkster12 was a troll, I'm pretty confident that's the case, given her most recent posts here.

 

They've taken ridiculous to a new level - - worried about the current online potential husband not having teeth, worried that she would be inappropriately jealous if faced with counseling a pregnant teen, worried she couldn't provide understanding or support to a married woman who might be depressed. We're being phished folks! As a matter of fact, her grammar and syntax changed in her last few posts from her previous style. I suspect there are two people playing us in this absurd thing, and they just ractcheted it up a notch.

I'll stop believing in Pinkster when I stop believing in Santa Claus--NEVER!

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Have read the original post and responses pretty thoroughly (had insomnia last night). While I was suspicious that Pinkster12 was a troll, I'm pretty confident that's the case, given her most recent posts here.

 

They've taken ridiculous to a new level - - worried about the current online potential husband not having teeth, worried that she would be inappropriately jealous if faced with counseling a pregnant teen, worried she couldn't provide understanding or support to a married woman who might be depressed. We're being phished folks! As a matter of fact, her grammar and syntax changed in her last few posts from her previous style. I suspect there are two people playing us in this absurd thing, and they just ractcheted it up a notch.

I hope so. My lord. I just can not get past the repulsion of imagining a person harboring those beliefs counseling those people, and building their future life on the well-intended internet support of this corner of the nets. Am struggling to keep my repulsion-attraction to this thread lighthearted. Good christmas everyone...

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