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Finding a husband in graduate school.


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Hahaha yeah well tell him that then. I'm sure some sad girl will date him and his brown teeth, but not me.  I can't be out all the time with my friends and family and someone with brown teeth. Maybe you can date him?! ha 

 

You go it wrong. It was just me telling you that you have an ugly personality. I guess I was too subtle about it.

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I'm a good wife and mother. My qualities as a wife: I am a whole person without him. I love him and I have trouble sleeping without him there (seriously, it's a pain), but I do not need him to be hap

False. A lot of people who posted (myself included) were NOT in "a relationship at 23." People have given you PLENTY of great advice on this thread (and the other one that you've been posting in), and

Really? Ok but you're a guy (I assume, from the username) so you have forever and a day to meet someone and have kids and stuff. You have no limit on your time to reproduce or anything whereas I'm 23

You go it wrong. It was just me telling you that you have an ugly personality. I guess I was too subtle about it.

Haha I couldn't less what you think about my personality. Thank you but like I said it is called having standards. If you want to date brown teeth then go for it. Good luck with that.  

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As someone walking through the mall seeing a hot guy with a girlfriend less than attractive, I am going to think wow she is way less pretty than her boyfriend. I would also probably say "he can do better" these aren't uncommon feelings, I have had entire conversations with friends about it. Have you never heard of a downgrade? You have never had a friend who was in a relationship that ended and the guy moved on and she said "oh his new gf is a downgrade"? Maybe not but I have heard it a lot, even said it a few times.  I don't know that amazing qualities the girlfriend has and I don't necessarily care. I am looking at her and thinking "wow she is much less attractive than the guy she is dating" so call it what you want but I have said it, my friends have said it and that is that. 

 

 

I can assure you that when I was with my ex I could care less about what anyone else thought, especially some immature girl and her friends at the mall. All I knew was that I was lucky to score such a great person.

 

Anyway, this thread is making my head hurt so I'm out. i wish you the best of luck in life.

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I can assure you that when I was with my ex I could care less about what anyone else thought, especially some immature girl and her friends at the mall. All I knew was that I was lucky to score such a great person.

 

Anyway, this thread is making my head hurt so I'm out. i wish you the best of luck in life.

Well that is you, you aren't even with him anymore so does it matter? I think not. But thanks and good luck to you too   :)

Edited by CorruptedInnocence
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Ehhh.  I met the love of my life one week into grad school (my masters).  I was so serious and so focused.  I said to myself a week before, "I'm not going to look around, I'm not going to date, I got into grad school by the skin of my teeth so I'm going to serious up here and make the most of this amazing opportunity that fell into my lap."  And then on the first day of class in a remedial class I was forced to take, I met the woman to whom I have been married 14 years.  

 

My advice is don't go looking for it *at all*.  Just let things happen.  Life is full of surprises, sometimes the best kind of surprises.

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Ehhh.  I met the love of my life one week into grad school (my masters).  I was so serious and so focused.  I said to myself a week before, "I'm not going to look around, I'm not going to date, I got into grad school by the skin of my teeth so I'm going to serious up here and make the most of this amazing opportunity that fell into my lap."  And then on the first day of class in a remedial class I was forced to take, I met the woman to whom I have been married 14 years.  

 

My advice is don't go looking for it *at all*.  Just let things happen.  Life is full of surprises, sometimes the best kind of surprises.

Thats so cute! I hope that happens. I just had a change of programs, I am not going where I expected to go and I don't know that I can meet someone here.  I feel like I have already dated practically everyone in this region and I am not really expecting to meet anyone. So theres another 2 years of singleness... ugh.

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I was reading through this thread, trying to think of this movie scene, but i couldn't remember which movie it was in. You nailed it, though. Great movie, btw. I may have to watch it after i get done with this semester (this is my last week).

On another note, this thread is fucking stupid, but it has kept me entertained during a super busy week, and for that i thank you.

 

I don't think this thread is stupid at all.  It's practically an exegesis on the failure of third-wave feminism to gain currency outside of academia and into wider, more varied social strata.

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As someone walking through the mall seeing a hot guy with a girlfriend less than attractive, I am going to think wow she is way less pretty than her boyfriend. I would also probably say "he can do better" these aren't uncommon feelings, I have had entire conversations with friends about it. Have you never heard of a downgrade? You have never had a friend who was in a relationship that ended and the guy moved on and she said "oh his new gf is a downgrade"? Maybe not but I have heard it a lot, even said it a few times.  I don't know that amazing qualities the girlfriend has and I don't necessarily care. I am looking at her and thinking "wow she is much less attractive than the guy she is dating" so call it what you want but I have said it, my friends have said it and that is that. 

 

I hope you write a book so that it can be subjected to feminist critical theory.

 

There is no such thing as a downgrade.

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I hope you write a book so that it can be subjected to feminist critical theory.

There is no such thing as a downgrade.

I would never do that.

There is definitely a such thing, some people don't want to acknowledge it and that's fine I guess. It works on both sides I mean I can admit I have probably been a downgrade in the past too. It just happens that's life some people are super blatantly attractive, some aren't and some are in the middle.

Edited by CorruptedInnocence
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I would never do that.

There is definitely a such thing, some people don't want to acknowledge it and that's fine I guess.

 

It doesn't matter how pretty or how ugly any guy's next girlfriend is. She's a human being, and to consider her an upgrade or a downgrade is degrading, not only to her, but to you (or whoever the point of reference is). This arbitrary "ranking" of women is offensive and retrogressive. 

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It doesn't matter how pretty or how ugly any guy's next girlfriend is. She's a human being, and to consider her an upgrade or a downgrade is degrading, not only to her, but to you (or whoever the point of reference is). This arbitrary "ranking" of women is offensive and retrogressive.

I never thought of it like that. It is just something you say. No one digs that deep into it. It doesn't matter obviously whoever the person is found happiness with someone else. If they think that person is hot then ok I probably don't and that's fine. It's not like I'm walking up to these guys saying "wow you're hot but your gf looks like poop" it isn't a big deal. I see it I go on about my day. It isn't that big of a deal.

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As someone walking through the mall seeing a hot guy with a girlfriend less than attractive, I am going to think wow she is way less pretty than her boyfriend. I would also probably say "he can do better" these aren't uncommon feelings, I have had entire conversations with friends about it.

Hate to say it, but it sounds like you have a fairly shallow group of friends. I don't think anyone I've ever known has ever made comments like that, so I would I fact consider them uncommon, esp considering that most people in this thread also don't believe such things.

But since you seem to believe in it so much, let me point this out to you: what does it mean about your own looks if you are not attracting the kind of attractive men that you want? If you were a 9 you would attract 9s. As you said, people tend to date within roughly equivalent levels of attractiveness. So maybe you should take a good look in the mirror and recalibrate your expectations.

You keep asking why you don't deserve a relationship when we say NO ONE deserves a relationship. This is true because no one deserves ANYTHING. None of us are entitled to anything - you can try to accomplish what you want in life and to better yourself but that doesn't mean some karmic force will automatically give you what you want. Sometimes bad people get what they want, sometimes good people don't get what they want. Life has never operated out of some cosmic justice or fairness. It just doesn't work that way because so many things are out of our control.

Also, you say you want a relationship and are willing to work to get one but it sounds like you have very high standards. Not that that's a bad thing but you have to recognize that practically, if you have a picky filter, you will be less likely to find someone who meets your standards and thus less likely to begin a relationship at all. We are trying to point out different approaches because logically, if what you have been doing has not been working in the past then it is unlikely to work in the future. A new approach may be necessary and we are just observing that you are not really willing to entertain them.

Edited by seeingeyeduck
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The women I've found most attractive in life are precisely the women that conventional beauty standards would not consider "attractive."  And by attractive, I mean physically attractive.  I find conventional beauty standards very arbitrary and silly.  I appreciate deviations from prescribed and imposed norms.  But that's just me, I guess.  If Corrupted is really as conventionally attractive as she says, I probably wouldn't be terribly attracted to her.

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I never thought of it like that. It is just something you say. No one digs that deep into it. It doesn't matter obviously whoever the person is found happiness with someone else. If they think that person is hot then ok I probably don't and that's fine. It's not like I'm walking up to these guys saying "wow you're hot but your gf looks like poop" it isn't a big deal. I see it I go on about my day. It isn't that big of a deal.

 

Well I have thought deeply about it, and this was provoked by another "deep" friend. But I want to point out: notice how quickly your tone changed when you did consider it?

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Not sure why gr8pumpkin and TakeMyCoffeeBack feel the need to make snarky remarks about feminism. This thread really needs to be closed.

 

Right, I always forget that feminism is a dirty word and that any attempt to raise the level of discussion (or provoke new considerations, even if the same conclusions are reached by the deliberating individual) should be discouraged.

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Hahaha yeah well tell him that then. I'm sure some sad girl will date him and his brown teeth, but not me. I can't be out all the time with my friends and family and someone with brown teeth. Maybe you can date him?! HA

If that was little jab at my personality then thanks but I don't have an ugly personality, just standards ;)

See, this is where you go wrong. I agree that you can have whatever standards you want, it is a very personal preference and your own private business. However, there's a difference between saying "I prefer not to date men with brown teeth," which is understandable, and saying "only people with low standards date men with brown teeth and if anyone attractive dated him it would be a downgrade."

You've moved from stating a personal preference to full on judging others and projecting your own standards onto them. You're allowed to set your own standards but when you make comments about who can do better in the looks department and who is dating a downgrade, you are making a lot of assumptions about other people that may not be true. This is the definitive of being judgmental.

What we're trying to get through to you is that being judgmental is not an attractive trait because attractiveness to men is more than just pure looks. If you really want to date smart rather than just date a lot, then maybe it's good to take a look at your personality too. Frankly, only having looks will get you dates but that's not the type of girl decent, interesting and smart guys want to stay with.

Edited by seeingeyeduck
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Not sure why gr8pumpkin and TakeMyCoffeeBack feel the need to make snarky remarks about feminism. This thread really needs to be closed.

Lol, good lord I hope this thread doesn't get closed. Whether it's for real or not, it's too epic and entertaining...

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Hate to say it, but it sounds like you have a fairly shallow group of friends. I don't think anyone I've ever known has ever made comments like that, so I would I fact consider them uncommon, esp considering that most people in this thread also don't believe such things.

But since you seem to believe in it so much, let me point this out to you: what does it mean about your own looks if you are not attracting the kind of attractive men that you want? If you were a 9 you would attract 9s. As you said, people tend to date within roughly equivalent levels of attractiveness. So maybe you should take a good look in the mirror and recalibrate your expectations.

You keep asking why you don't deserve a relationship when we say NO ONE deserves a relationship. This is true because no one deserves ANYTHING. None of us are entitled to anything - you can try to accomplish what you want in life and to better yourself but that doesn't mean some karmic force will automatically give you what you want. Sometimes bad people get what they want, sometimes good people don't get what they want. Life has never operated out of some cosmic justice or fairness. It just doesn't work that way because so many things are out of our control.

Also, you say you want a relationship and are willing to work to get one but it sounds like you have very high standards. Not that that's a bad thing but you have to recognize that practically, if you have a picky filter, you will be less likely to find someone who meets your standards and thus less likely to begin a relationship at all. We are trying to point out different approaches because logically, if what you have been doing has not been working in the past then it is unlikely to work in the future. A new approach may be necessary and we are just observing that you are not really willing to entertain them.

Thank you for making be feel so much better about my shit fest of a life lol. I never claimed to be a 9 or 10.  I don't know what I am, I know the number one thing people tell me is "wow you're so pretty" maybe they are lying? Maybe since I have a handicap they feel the need to pump me up so I don't feel like total shit about myself? I don't know. I don't consider myself a 9 or 10, maybe a 7.   The guys I have gone out with I can't even give them numbers, I thought they were hot, then I met them in person and just didn't feel the click.  I dated someone who I honestly think was like a 5 but after I got to know him and completely fell for him he was a 10. So in the end I just totally contradicted what I said to begin with but oh well.  I just don't like hot guys with ugly girls! DISLIKE! It is the jealousy in me and so whatever it is what it is.  

 

I actually asked my therapist about the fairness thing the other day and she said that sometimes circumstances just line up.  It isn't about deserving or anything sometimes it just happens for some and it doesn't for others.  I just don't believe that. I have done everything to make the situation line up. At some point it needs to line up with someone. I mean from age 18 to now I think I have been on at least 100 dates and only 2 of them turned into dating situations and 1 an actual relationship.  It needs to happen and line up.  No one deserves anything but they get it! Why am I not one of those people who it just happens for? 

 

I just want attraction.  I want to look at the person and feel attracted to them and I don't think that is asking a lot.  

 

A new approach would be great but I just don't know what other approach to take? Ignore dating an forget about it? I wish I could but I am constantly thinking about it.  I will not leave my house unmade because I could meet someone in line at Walmart or at a stop light.  It is my life.  When I am finally in a relationship it will be the biggest accomplishment to me. 

Edited by CorruptedInnocence
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The point isn't to make you feel bad. The point is to show you what that kind of result that kind of thinking can lead to. The fact that some random couple's attractiveness compatibility can actually be a strong dislike for you indicates that you are thinking way too much about other people and evaluating people as well as yourself. Yes, sometimes couples can be mismatched in looks - no one is denying that. But why would it matter to anyone but them? It is their business, just like who you're attracted to is your business. The way this works is that if you don't extend the courtesy of not judging to others, then they are unlikely to extend it to you. That is the dynamic in this thread. People are lashing out at you because you have said judgmental things about others, even if it's not specifically directed at people here.

We're trying to tell you that your internal state affects the kind of man you attract. If you are unhappy with the types you attract, you can only blame external circumstances for so long before needing to look within. There is something about either the way you think of relationships and men, or the way you think about yourself, or at least what you project to others about those things during interactions that is not having the effect you want.

We're suggesting more self-reflection and an effort to be happy without a man as the new approach. No, that is not like "do this, then do that, then you will be fine!" But it is in fact a change you can make; it is about a new way of thinking rather than actions. But in the end we don't know you at all! If you have a therapist, then they should be able to suggest a concrete plan or to talk you through it. What have they suggested anyway? Have you really considered trying that instead of saying, "I am stubborn so I don't change"?

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The point isn't to make you feel bad. The point is to show you what that kind of result that kind of thinking can lead to. The fact that some random couple's attractiveness compatibility can actually be a strong dislike for you indicates that you are thinking way too much about other people and evaluating people as well as yourself. Yes, sometimes couples can be mismatched in looks - no one is denying that. But why would it matter to anyone but them? It is their business, just like who you're attracted to is your business. The way this works is that if you don't extend the courtesy of not judging to others, then they are unlikely to extend it to you. That is the dynamic in this thread. People are lashing out at you because you have said judgmental things about others, even if it's not specifically directed at people here.

We're trying to tell you that your internal state affects the kind of man you attract. If you are unhappy with the types you attract, you can only blame external circumstances for so long before needing to look within. There is something about either the way you think of relationships and men, or the way you think about yourself, or at least what you project to others about those things during interactions that is not having the effect you want.

We're suggesting more self-reflection and an effort to be happy without a man as the new approach. No, that is not like "do this, then do that, then you will be fine!" But it is in fact a change you can make; it is about a new way of thinking rather than actions. But in the end we don't know you at all! If you have a therapist, then they should be able to suggest a concrete plan or to talk you through it. What have they suggested anyway? Have you really considered trying that instead of saying, "I am stubborn so I don't change"?

My therapist pretty much said the same thing.  

I want to change the thinking pattern so what do I have to do? I want to do whatever I have to do to be what someone else will date.  Everyone has said the be happy without a guy. I don't know what to do to make that happen.  Had I never experienced a relationship it would be different because you can't miss what you haven't had, but I had it.  It was perfect kind of.  Anyways I want to make the changes just don't know where they would come from. 

 

Example I can't see myself sitting down with my friend and talking about her happy relationship or happy pregnancy and I am sucking in life. I mean I am not sucking, academically everything is perfect. Couldn't be more perfect but that isn't getting me married or pregnant.  Thats just so important to me I don't even know why. 

Edited by CorruptedInnocence
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My therapist pretty much said the same thing.  

I want to change the thinking pattern so what do I have to do? I want to do whatever I have to do to be what someone else will date.  Everyone has said the be happy without a guy. I don't know what to do to make that happen.  Had I never experienced a relationship it would be different because you can't miss what you haven't had, but I had it.  It was perfect kind of.  Anyways I want to make the changes just don't know where they would come from. 

 

The best place to start is to open yourself to new types of thinking. Open yourself up to ideas that you've typically been opposed to - nobody is saying you have to begin to agree with them, but if your positions don't change, they may be strengthened. With a better sense of not only what you believe but also why you believe it (especially as regards your views on life, love and happiness), you can likely move forward in a more positive way.

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