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12 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I was moderating a panel today and for two minutes, I was very confused about what it is I was supposed to do exactly due to the instructions I had received prior to the event. Turned out okay, but I felt useless and like I did not know what I was doing and being the perfectionnist that I am, I don't like feeling like this in front of a crowd. It went well, but it could've been better. But yeah, it's done. 

Dont let your perfectionism get the best of you! I know how it feels. But try to approach things as a opportunity to learn - it helps me so much really.

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The awkward moment when grad school is going so badly that you have nothing to add to the positivity thread. 

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I was in a twitter groupchat with a few friends and I loved talking to them. We had it over a year. Last week they decided to make an iOS chat instead. Not all of us were Apple users though, and I don't even have a working smartphone right now. They didn't care and went ahead with the chat and pretty much abandoned our twitter chat. It hurt my feelings they did that but also, now I'm sort of friendless. 

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I don't particularly like my cat. I feel bad even saying this, but it's true. I thought I would like having a cat, but I don't. I've had him for almost 4 years, and it hasn't gotten better.  He gets into everything tears things up, and wakes me up in the middle of the night. I don't think he likes living in my small apartment, and so I let him outside, but then he wants in and out randomly. And last night he decided to use my couch as a restroom because the room his litter box was in was closed off, and now the whole apartment smells like cat pee.  Sometimes he's cute, but overall I feel like our whole relationship is me telling him not to do stuff and him annoying the heck out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to get rid of him. If I commit to a responsibility, I commit to it. But I just don't like him 75% of the time.

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I'm working on my Vanier scholarship research proposal and it's quite challening I must admit. One of the persons that is helping me out with my research proposal is helpful (she's helped me with my proposals for MA SSHRC and MA FRQSC that I both got), but she seems to be unaware of my CV and credentials (I had a LOT of leadership roles and did a LOT of volunteering for the past 13 years of my life) and she seems skeptical about my ability to get the scholarship, precisely because she sees me like a "public personality" (those are the words she used) but appears to be unaware that I actually have undergraduate and graduate research experience as well. She's not one of my closest friends, but she's helpful in terms of challening me to make my research proposal stronger. I must give her that. However, her skepticism kinda bothers me because I know that I have a strong profile for it, even if I am still unsure if I'll get it. I am unsure, that's why I'm working on my 7th version since January and don't take it for granted.

I don't like when people imply that I should not try at something just because something is hard or prestigious. If I thought that way, I would have never applied for SSHRC (that I got before my first year of study in my master's program) and FRQSC (got ranked 2nd in my category). I'm a hard worker and I've never been afraid of putting effort into things. I'm very motivated and perseverant and nobody should ever tell me that I should not give a shot a something (hence, a scholarship) just because it's prestigious and competitive. 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I don't like when people imply that I should not try at something just because something is hard or prestigious. If I thought that way, I would have never applied for SSHRC (that I got before my first year of study in my master's program) and FRQSC (got ranked 2nd in my category). I'm a hard worker and I've never been afraid of putting effort into things. I'm very motivated and perseverant and nobody should ever tell me that I should not give a shot a something (hence, a scholarship) just because it's prestigious and competitive. 

1

Go for it!

I've been told this all my life by my mum. She didn't believe I would succeed in high school. She was convinced I wouldn't make it in university and it was a waste of time. Then when I started excelling she sorta shut up for a bit. Then when I signed up for a competitive research master she was convinced I would finally meet my limit and get low grades and would have messed up my career. Again the opposite happened. Applying for PhDs - same story. She hasn't started talking yet about what will happen during my PhD, but she has no clue what it is anyway. According to her, this nay-saying is protecting me from failures or from hurtful situations (which I don't think is a good thing anyway - these are not the failures to protect someone from). I used to develop such self-defeating thoughts because of it which well - it didn't help me in high school. At the start of university, we were not in touch for a year because of personal reasons and this is when I could finally let go of these thoughts. I forgave her (and still forgive her) as she has so little self-esteem herself, so I know where it is coming from.

Bottom line: never have somebody discourage you, especially if you believe and KNOW you are a good applicant and can do this. You decide your limits and not someone else, just be realistic. Yes, you may fail because it's supercompetitive, but that doesn't devalue you as a person. I mean, what I learned from this PhD-cycle is that it's also big part luck. The prof in my department literally chose between two applicants with a coin flip. I was only interviewed and accepted by one place - which was my top choice anyway, while in the meantime having places in Europe trying to actively recruit me. But it never harms to try!

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3 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I'm working on my Vanier scholarship research proposal and it's quite challening I must admit. One of the persons that is helping me out with my research proposal is helpful (she's helped me with my proposals for MA SSHRC and MA FRQSC that I both got), but she seems to be unaware of my CV and credentials (I had a LOT of leadership roles and did a LOT of volunteering for the past 13 years of my life) and she seems skeptical about my ability to get the scholarship, precisely because she sees me like a "public personality" (those are the words she used) but appears to be unaware that I actually have undergraduate and graduate research experience as well. She's not one of my closest friends, but she's helpful in terms of challening me to make my research proposal stronger. I must give her that. However, her skepticism kinda bothers me because I know that I have a strong profile for it, even if I am still unsure if I'll get it. I am unsure, that's why I'm working on my 7th version since January and don't take it for granted.

I don't like when people imply that I should not try at something just because something is hard or prestigious. If I thought that way, I would have never applied for SSHRC (that I got before my first year of study in my master's program) and FRQSC (got ranked 2nd in my category). I'm a hard worker and I've never been afraid of putting effort into things. I'm very motivated and perseverant and nobody should ever tell me that I should not give a shot a something (hence, a scholarship) just because it's prestigious and competitive. 

Keep doing what you're doing! Put your best application out there and see what happens--someone has to get these awards, and it could be you. When I was researching programs, a wise grad student told me to apply wherever my heart desired and let the programs reject me, not to reject myself. I think that advice fits with funding opportunities as well. My motto is to apply to all the funding opportunities for which your work might qualify. Don't let anyone discourage you--it's one thing to accept that these opportunities are competitive, it's another to not strive for them regardless. Best of luck to you!

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I'm broken-hearted. It'll pass. I'm just tired of having my heart broken, it's been the case for the last 10+ years. I'd be lying if I said that I still have hope. 

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I find it very ironic that the people who are publicly morning Kate Spade & Bourdain on social media are the same ones that walk away from me whenever I happen to mention that I have a bad day and that I need to talk. I'm a public speaker on mental health, I've been in the media to talk about this, and I always stress on how recovery is a process, even for me. But people seem to forget about that. Being seen as "successful" is a pain in the ass sometimes, people forget that I'm a normal human being with emotions too. 

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Yikes.

I just had another extremely awkward discussion with the director of my group. We all have these one-on-one meetings with him, where we're supposed to go through our career development goals, etc. Plans for future education comes up from time to time, and I did a terrible job talking around my decision to leave. This time I was so awkward that he has to know something is up. I really wanted to just tell him. I even started to say it and then in the middle of the sentence (literally right before I said the decision) the meeting got interrupted for a second. I took it as a sign that I should wait until early July like I had planned. Ha. I'd do it earlier, but there's a chance that there will be major group changes in the next few weeks and I really need to keep my leverage until I see how things will unfold. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. ?

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Someone had access to my bank account. So instead of doing all the work I was supposed to do today, I had to make a thousand phonecalls, go to the bank, bring my computer to clean it up and go to the police station. FML

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2 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Someone had access to my bank account. So instead of doing all the work I was supposed to do today, I had to make a thousand phonecalls, go to the bank, bring my computer to clean it up and go to the police station. FML

Wowwowwow thats creepy! Hope it all got sorted out.

I also got a message the other day someone was nosing around n my account (i.e., unexpected login from certain location). But given the location and time, I'm sure it was my mum hahaha (who admitted to be the little spy on my account haha). Same with my Korean account, which turned out to be my boyfriend accidently using the wrong card on the atm.

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19 hours ago, Psygeek said:

Wowwowwow thats creepy! Hope it all got sorted out.

I also got a message the other day someone was nosing around n my account (i.e., unexpected login from certain location). But given the location and time, I'm sure it was my mum hahaha (who admitted to be the little spy on my account haha). Same with my Korean account, which turned out to be my boyfriend accidently using the wrong card on the atm.

For me, it's truly an entire stranger who did it. I went to the police station again today to report it. At least, I've lost zero money, the bank refunded me back right away. 

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This week I cleared my calendar, including any chance at socializing, to get some work done. But I can't concentrate for more than 10 minutes. I'm pining for a "normal" life (I had one, rejected it, and wound up back in academe). And alllll the little projects around the house seem to be needing my attention immediately. You know, so that they'll be out of the way so I can concentrate on my work. Really dig in and get some diss pages written. In just a minute. When I finish writing this Very Important Post on Grad Cafe.

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I CANNOT DEAL WITH FINDING HOUSING IN THE BAY AREA. My froomie and I have submitted tens of applications and were so close to getting one, but it just fell through yesterday. I've successfully dealt with some rough housing markets, and everybody talks about how difficult the bay is, but I feel like I've grossly underestimated it. I'm only 23 and have very "young" credit (it's even considered rather good for my age), but I've seen some apartments in the Berkeley SUBURBS require a 680+ before a guarantor. Ughhhhhh

Edited by madamoiselle

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I grew up with black folks.  Read voraciously.  I read Tolkien Kipling Crichton girsham jack London Verne James Baldwin hg wells and Hemingway all by the fourth grade.  Just for some name dropping.  I read malcolm x autobio in the 3rd grade.  None of this was for school.

 

Then I became obsessed with rap music and video games.

 

I was obsessed with black people ever since the 2nd grade.

 

Guess I was a wannabe black.  

 

 

But in my early college days I was pretty blown away by all my black friends.  Most of them went to hbcu.  Yea I should have gone to Morehouse or howard.  I got into both those schools

 

Instead I took black studies and post colonial lit classes.  I did well.

 

Then I developed schizophrenia

 

I saw the projects for a little while.  I can talk to anyone from any social class because of this.  Worked many menial jobs

Now it is the fact that it is 16 years later.  I'm back in school for anthropology.  I own 1000 books.  Africentricity galore.  Everything Carl Jung and Schiller goethe... Paul bishop.  Karl kerenyi.  Henry corbin. Lacan.  Freud. Schelling Marx and Nietzsche.   Just about all the classic and obscure yet regarded African and Caribbean writers.  Tons of Egyptian Hindu and yoruba occult books.  People think it's ecclectic.  I just think I'm right.  I have lots of the traditionalist metaphysical stuff.  Afro Brazilian sorcery.  Djinn magic.  Books on the black origins and moorish empires.

 

But I havnt made love in 11 years.  Other than that things are good.

 

I'm 34.  Life is ok.  

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Soo my new advisor - whom i was beyond excitment with to work with - just dropped the email that hes gonna move to a different school. This fall. When im starting my PhD at his old school. And its my bday - no joke. Im devastated. Absolutely devastated.

Yeah I 'like' other faculty there. I dont 'love' other faculty there. I like his new uni, I dont love his new uni (plus I'd have to reapply and wait another year, and its not even sure I'd get in).

WTF WTF

I have all my flights booked, visa ready, etc. Why does this happen to me...

 

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1 hour ago, Psygeek said:

Soo my new advisor - whom i was beyond excitment with to work with - just dropped the email that hes gonna move to a different school. This fall. When im starting my PhD at his old school. And its my bday - no joke. Im devastated. Absolutely devastated.

Yeah I 'like' other faculty there. I dont 'love' other faculty there. I like his new uni, I dont love his new uni (plus I'd have to reapply and wait another year, and its not even sure I'd get in).

WTF WTF

I have all my flights booked, visa ready, etc. Why does this happen to me...

 

Oh, I am so sorry. :(

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this new undergrad my adviser assigned to help me run experiments (due to my broken hand) is turning out to be a bit of a moron, who needs as much babysitting as giving simple instructions. not thrilled. 

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