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Moved out to LA to be with my partner. Finally got a job but then the offer was rescinded 10 days later because of COVID-19. Meanwhile, still waiting to hear back from the PhD program I applied to, which I had guess I was waitlisted but they didn't bother to say. Can't they just say I'm rejected now? Jeez.

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Posted (edited)

I'm trying to be productive but things are really starting to take a toll on me.

I've been trying to ready myself for graduate school applications this Fall with studying for the GRE, meeting with old and current mentors, and writing my statement of purpose while working remotely.  However, things feel like they are starting to spiral out of control, with my GRE being only 3 weeks away and the deadline for a review article I am assisting in writing starting to inch closer and closer.  I feel like I want to work in the present for my own sanity and for the sake of my career, but I keep future-tripping and thinking of what the Winter may bring during application season and its negatively affecting my focus.

I have been lucky to have a substantial amount of experience in research, but I always wanted to present at a conference and for some reason things never really worked out.  This year, I finally got the opportunity to submit an abstract to a large national conference taking place in the Fall and was about to pay a pretty hefty price for annual membership, but the conference is now likely to be cancelled and I'm unsure if submitting an abstract is worth it at this point.  

On top of this, I feel virtually desensitized to much of how the pandemic has affected my personal life.  I graduated from undergrad right as things were starting to go into lockdown and haven't even had the time to think about culmination/when I will be able to see my friends again.  I honestly feel like I have been adding more and more work into my daily routine so that I can avoid dealing with things that make me feel sad, but then I constantly feel let down by my inability to focus on the work I decide to do.

Edited by dopamine_machine

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9 hours ago, dopamine_machine said:

I'm trying to be productive but things are really starting to take a toll on me.

I've been trying to ready myself for graduate school applications this Fall with studying for the GRE, meeting with old and current mentors, and writing my statement of purpose while working remotely.  However, things feel like they are starting to spiral out of control, with my GRE being only 3 weeks away and the deadline for a review article I am assisting in writing starting to inch closer and closer.  I feel like I want to work in the present for my own sanity and for the sake of my career, but I keep future-tripping and thinking of what the Winter may bring during application season and its negatively affecting my focus.

I have been lucky to have a substantial amount of experience in research, but I always wanted to present at a conference and for some reason things never really worked out.  This year, I finally got the opportunity to submit an abstract to a large national conference taking place in the Fall and was about to pay a pretty hefty price for annual membership, but the conference is now likely to be cancelled and I'm unsure if submitting an abstract is worth it at this point.  

On top of this, I feel virtually desensitized to much of how the pandemic has affected my personal life.  I graduated from undergrad right as things were starting to go into lockdown and haven't even had the time to think about culmination/when I will be able to see my friends again.  I honestly feel like I have been adding more and more work into my daily routine so that I can avoid dealing with things that make me feel sad, but then I constantly feel let down by my inability to focus on the work I decide to do.

I can totally resonate with you on these feelings. I'm 10 days away from completing my master's (hopefully), but the ramped up difficulty of concentrating online and rising pressure of finishing several projects has left me feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I constantly live in fear of not being able to graduate on time, as I am transitioning to a PhD in the fall.

Though I don't have the experience of trying to present at a conference, I can understand how frustrated you must be with trying to get this opportunity and having it slip out of your control. The positive outlook here is that when (I say this because I believe in you :D) you get into a graduate program, you'll have even more chances to present at a conference. By that point, you may even attend more conferences than you even want to! I kid, but who knows really, as grad school life has so many invaluable opportunities that will be hard to juggle if you try to take them all.

In any case, you can do this. The GRE and all of those application things will come, and you'll handle them. This conference will either come or not, and maybe betting for not will make it easier to focus on the long term. You do what's best for you now, because it will be best for you later down the line :).

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2 hours ago, mysteriousmartel said:

I can totally resonate with you on these feelings. I'm 10 days away from completing my master's (hopefully), but the ramped up difficulty of concentrating online and rising pressure of finishing several projects has left me feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I constantly live in fear of not being able to graduate on time, as I am transitioning to a PhD in the fall.

Though I don't have the experience of trying to present at a conference, I can understand how frustrated you must be with trying to get this opportunity and having it slip out of your control. The positive outlook here is that when (I say this because I believe in you :D) you get into a graduate program, you'll have even more chances to present at a conference. By that point, you may even attend more conferences than you even want to! I kid, but who knows really, as grad school life has so many invaluable opportunities that will be hard to juggle if you try to take them all.

In any case, you can do this. The GRE and all of those application things will come, and you'll handle them. This conference will either come or not, and maybe betting for not will make it easier to focus on the long term. You do what's best for you now, because it will be best for you later down the line :).

You are such a kind soul! Thank-you so much for this.  I feel that life always has a strange way of making things happen, so I wouldn't be surprised if I take on too many conferences in graduate school  😂

First of all congratulations on being almost done with your Masters! I know you will make it work and once you finish everything, take a big break this summer because you deserve it! I can only imagine the stress of trying to finish a masters during a time where you can't even go into lab.  Second, congratulations on committing to a PhD program! Have you heard any updates about the Fall at UIUC? I hope the pandemic is contained for the most part by the Fall so you can have a good transition and get to know your cohort (though, this is definitely doable online if for some reason things aren't up and running).

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4 hours ago, dopamine_machine said:

You are such a kind soul! Thank-you so much for this.  I feel that life always has a strange way of making things happen, so I wouldn't be surprised if I take on too many conferences in graduate school  😂

First of all congratulations on being almost done with your Masters! I know you will make it work and once you finish everything, take a big break this summer because you deserve it! I can only imagine the stress of trying to finish a masters during a time where you can't even go into lab.  Second, congratulations on committing to a PhD program! Have you heard any updates about the Fall at UIUC? I hope the pandemic is contained for the most part by the Fall so you can have a good transition and get to know your cohort (though, this is definitely doable online if for some reason things aren't up and running).

Thanks! I did actually hear back from them this morning, and it seems like the semester will be running on time with precautions towards attending class. Here's hoping I get to meet my new colleagues sooner than later, because it sucks enough I haven't seen another friend other than my partner in a month and a half!

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Posted (edited)

I had a TA interview a couple days ago, and I've been so anxious ever since. I'm scared that after coming so close to my goal, I'll fall short for the 2nd year in a row.

Edited by feralgrad

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Too many chefs in the kitchen for a big project for a public client.

Too little knowledge of how to make the most out of threaded conversations using Microsoft Teams.

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Well, I'm graduating, but my college decided to add one last "fuck you" to the pile of shit they've put me though. I'm annoyed as it cost me $4,000, but it's typical for them. I don't use this type of language IRL, but I just had to describe my raw feelings in the most accurate way possible.

Fuck you, alma-mater. Fuck you! Good luck getting any PhD students in my area. Word gets around and we have other options. I left a well paying job to be treated like crap and barely graduate. I was treated like an adjunct teacher rather than a student who needs to you know, learn something while going to graduate school. The only redeeming factor is that the faculty I worked with have the reputation needed and I got the job I wanted. Admittedly that is a big redeeming factor, but it isn't going to help them in the slightest. I'll be making well over 100k at my new job, and guess how much I'll ever donate to this school? A big fat zero. Nothing. They already took enough from me. The end.

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Yes.

Please schedule fieldwork for the hottest days of the year so far even though it was ten degrees cooler earlier at the beginning of the week and will be twenty degrees cooler next week. After all, zero access to weather forecasts...

 

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Tired of being single. I cried again.

I also stopped praying and meditating these last couple of days, maybe I should get back at it because it helped me to let go of my relationship status for a couple of weeks when I began. I was surprised by the change. But I don't feel the strength to meditate and pray, I just want to cry. 

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14 hours ago, Sigaba said:

Yes.

Please schedule fieldwork for the hottest days of the year so far even though it was ten degrees cooler earlier at the beginning of the week and will be twenty degrees cooler next week. After all, zero access to weather forecasts...

 

At least you're somewhere warm! We've had one 70-degree day all year and the leaves still aren't fully out yet. It might snow on Saturday. 

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I'm not sure if I'm gonna graduate on time. 

I feel weird asking my current PI to write me a letter of recommendation. 

I'm worried my GRE will be just as mediocre. 

 

 

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On 4/23/2020 at 1:12 AM, dopamine_machine said:

I'm trying to be productive but things are really starting to take a toll on me.

I've been trying to ready myself for graduate school applications this Fall with studying for the GRE, meeting with old and current mentors, and writing my statement of purpose while working remotely.  However, things feel like they are starting to spiral out of control, with my GRE being only 3 weeks away and the deadline for a review article I am assisting in writing starting to inch closer and closer.  I feel like I want to work in the present for my own sanity and for the sake of my career, but I keep future-tripping and thinking of what the Winter may bring during application season and its negatively affecting my focus.

I have been lucky to have a substantial amount of experience in research, but I always wanted to present at a conference and for some reason things never really worked out.  This year, I finally got the opportunity to submit an abstract to a large national conference taking place in the Fall and was about to pay a pretty hefty price for annual membership, but the conference is now likely to be cancelled and I'm unsure if submitting an abstract is worth it at this point.  

On top of this, I feel virtually desensitized to much of how the pandemic has affected my personal life.  I graduated from undergrad right as things were starting to go into lockdown and haven't even had the time to think about culmination/when I will be able to see my friends again.  I honestly feel like I have been adding more and more work into my daily routine so that I can avoid dealing with things that make me feel sad, but then I constantly feel let down by my inability to focus on the work I decide to do.

I feel the same. I literally came to this thread to vent about similar or commensurate feelings. I have so much overloaded but I feel like quarantine or pandemic has also desensitized me. I don’t feel normal. This summer I have a research assistantship, study for the GRE, prepare for grad school apps, apply for conferences and get published, research for my dissertation and more. I asked for an essay extension and I still have to finish this essay but something is inhibiting me and I think it either relates to the pandemic or a mental health issue which I have not encountered before. My imposter syndrome is getting out of control where I feel like I will not be able to accomplish or attain the things that I need for my PhD applications. 
 

i feel like something has hijacked my mind/brain and I am trying so hard to stay productive and study every single day but I feel like I am never doing enough. I have written ten page essays in a single day before, and I can barely put down 1000 words in a day...

I am also seriously questioning whether or not a phd is something I should even do because at this point I have an entirely self destructive relationship to research and writing that I don’t know is resultant of quarantine.

i try extremely hard to keep in touch with friends and people but i can’t stand not even being able to access my school or the library. 

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I am doing my master’s at the number one program for my field of study. All of my profs got their phd’s from Yale or Duke literature etc. I am at one of the most prestigious research institutions in the world. Yet I have crazy imposter syndrome right now that is getting out of hand. I have irrational fears that I will not be employed or accepted to a PhD program because I got a 3.55 gpa my first semester because it is below what I would normally receive. People tell me I’m one of the smartest students/people and get constant appreciation from my professor’s but even that validation is meaningless because I feel like my brain is being hijacked by imposter syndrome. I try so hard to stay on top of things, but and have sat at my desk for hours trying to write this essay on an artist I truly don’t even know if I care about. I’m seriously considering law school at this point because I have such a toxic/self destructive relationship to research and writing and it is absolutely obsessive. 

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Like I am so obsessive with research and writing that I don’t know if it’s healthy because “nothing is ever good enough.” There is no standard. I also can’t stop working...like I physically feel guilt if I take a day or a night off from my projects. 

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On 4/2/2020 at 8:45 PM, Richelieu20 said:

WELL YOU WANT IT...

So I got admitted to a PhD program that that I finally decide to attend. I had had 4 other offers, some even higher ranked schools that the one I accepted to join. I rejected all those 4 offers and accepted this program. 

Then what happened?

This school emailed me and said that they had to cancel all the admissions for my program. So they had to rescind all the offers they made. Probably because of COVID19. I was shocked. 

I contacted all the other 4 schools I rejected and asked if I could be reconsidered for the position. They said that they already gave my spot to waitlisted students and informed them. So I literally went from 5 offers to choose from to 0. 

At the moment, I am all fucked. Not sure how anything will resolve. 

What I don't get is that how they can be so unprofessional. It makes NO SENSE.

I am so sorry that such a horrible thing happened to you.

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I know beggars can't be choosers, but I'll admit I'm slightly peeved about my peer mentor. He didn't email me first, I had to email him, and he still hasn't emailed me back. I'm giving him time, but I'm also peeved because I realized the interest we got paired up with is because of LGBT history. Which I am interested in and mentioned in my personal statement, but the things that I'm most interested in are indigenous history and language preservation, as well as archaeology (which is new, I'll admit). My program is hella small and I acknowledge that the things I'm interested in are very niche, but I'm kinda surprised that none of those interests are represented. Idk, I feel like I might be being grumpy just to be grumpy. 

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Coauthor problems 🙄 OK, so the coauthor is my dad and I'm not sure he treats me like he would treat his other coauthors, but if he does he's kind of a workaholic and not particularly considerate.

My dad and I are working on a project together, but he pretty much took it over and just wrote it all himself and had me do cites. Don't get me wrong, we talked about what should be in the paper, but he seemed to have his own ideas and he always writes all of his papers. Which is fine, it was an invited paper for him, and he added me on to give the perspective of an early-career researcher. So I gave my perspective, but idk if it was what he wanted. 

Then we get reviews, and he wants to meet to discuss them, but HE keeps putting it off and putting it off because he has other papers due. Then he rushes me to respond to my part of the reviews but then doesn't do his until the day before its due. Which leads us to this weekend.

So I drive/ride in a car 18 hours in a single day to be with family for independence day. We arrive at 1:30 am July 4th, and I am greeted by my dad telling me that we got editor comments and he answered them all, but he wanted me to read over his responses and get it to him by the end of the day July 4th, because it is due July 6th and he doesn't work on Sunday. Yeah, dad, sure, right after I drove 18 hours, I want to spend my first day home responding to reviewer comments... the only weekend day that we would all be together, mind you, and a holiday. Nope. 

Anyways, I read over what he wrote, but I didn't have a lot to say, because I was exhausted and any time spent not sleeping I was spending with family except for a couple hour break in which I needed more sleep but had to get this done. So I told him that I would read over it again on Monday and discuss it then, because I couldn't process what he was saying very well and wanted to give it proper thought. 

So tonight he was like "You aren't a good coauthor " and I'm thinking the same thing about him. He's a great dad, but we established in high-school that we don't work well together. And I don't know what he wants in a coauthor, but it isn't me. I work wonderfully with my other coauthors. I think he just has a romanticized view of how working with me should be since we are great friends, but it isn't actually that way... We are in a similar field, but I chose a different area of research partially because it wasn't his area. I get working hard and all, but there should also be boundaries.

So yeah... I just had to put this down because I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here. I love my dad and he is an amazing person, but he is very particular and has a few blindspots. He definitely thinks I'm smarter than I am and know what he's thinking even if he hasn't expressed it to me yet... anyways, thats all. Not a very intense rant. I'm not mad or anything, just a little exasperated. 

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I still get nausea whenever I think about my professor who hit on me during undergrad while he had a girlfriend who is now his wife. 

I was in a position where I had no one else write me an LOR and couldn't think of anyone else so I had to ask this professor. He sent me an e-mail that I feel is inappropriate, but as a POC female, I have been gaslit so much in the past, that I question whether or not this e-mail is inappropriate. 

He is a disgusting creep. He kept tabs on me ever since I graduated and after he lied and manipulated me in the e-mail. What disgusts me is that I know he was trying to manipulate me and it disgusts me that I let him get away with the manipulation. I felt so infantilized. Like do you really think I am that stupid and that I cannot see through your actions and behaviors? He treated me like an "oriental object." He is a white male that takes no accountability. It was so disgusting and racist. I'm scared because I have been gaslit so many times as well when it comes to being sexually harassed based on my race. My school does not take Title IX or racism seriously and I do not trust them to believe or support me when I report it. 

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