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@OptimiscallyAnxious Sorry you're dealing with this, but maybe you can think about things from the perspective of starting fresh and beginning a new journey to pursue your passion! Just take this time to focus on your personal goals and your future. You got into grad school. That means you're smart and talented and good things are coming your way. Everything will be okay. :)

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On 4/17/2017 at 9:35 PM, swannsway said:

I applied to 4 schools and had only 1 PhD acceptance to the school that I considered a "safety" purely based on my statistics + those of previously accepted students. When I visited the school, my cohort just didn't seem to compare to my peers at my undergrad - People mostly talked about drinking, cartoons, how much they evaded doing work in college as if it were a badge of honor and asked borderline ridiculous questions, ones that defeat the purpose of research. I did not sense passion, just lukewarm interest disguised as "science is so trippy." Professors have told me quality of students worsen with school selectivity, and this is reasonably obvious. 

I feel depressed at the thought of my upcoming graduate life. I am embarrassed that I am going from such a phenomenal undergrad with brilliant scholars to a program that no one here would even consider. All of my grad school bound friends are going off to incredibly strong programs and this talk of "department rankings matter for faculty hiring" is exacerbating the situation. I am starting to doubt that I ever belonged to such a great place, and this doubt is transiting to severe resentment. I feel so heartbroken over how lackluster I turned out to be.

I disgust myself for thinking like this, but this is how I feel and I can't shake it off. 

It's hard, but try to be proud of yourself that you got in somewhere. PhD applications can be a bit of a crap shoot, and I really believe that just being in the right place at the right time is a big part of it. While credentials are part of it, how many students accepted offers the previous year, other budget issues, faculty leaving, etc. all play a role in the process. I wouldn't take rejections to mean that you don't belong where you are.

Plus, nothing's ever really set in stone. Maybe you'll get there, and after getting to know the program a bit better discover it's better than you initially thought. If that's the case, great. But if not, they can't force you to stay. I know in my field it isn't unheard of for students to take their masters and leave, either because they discovered academia isn't for them or because they ended up reapplying and transferring to finish their PhD somewhere else. Just try to remember that you aren't trapped. Try to make the best of things, but if you really feel you can't be happy where you are, maybe you can apply to transfer into a program that suits you better.

Hope this helps a little bit. I'm not terribly good at pep talks.

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I'm a little annoyed with two of my students right now. I gave a quiz and these two students completely missed how I wanted them to answer a question. So they basically lost over 1/5 of the points on the quiz because they didn't understand that I wanted them to circle one of two choices next to each statement in a list (instead they just circled one of the five statements in the list and I'm not entirely sure why). I emailed them through our online course system so that they'd both get an email and see a notice that they have a message when they login to the course system (which they have to do multiple times per week for their classes).

I asked them to come to my office hours to reanswer the question, but neither showed up. They also didn't email me back and it's been two days, and I can also see that they've visited my course page since I sent the email, so they should have seen it. Maybe they just don't care. 

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21 hours ago, hantoo said:

@OptimiscallyAnxious Sorry you're dealing with this, but maybe you can think about things from the perspective of starting fresh and beginning a new journey to pursue your passion! Just take this time to focus on your personal goals and your future. You got into grad school. That means you're smart and talented and good things are coming your way. Everything will be okay. :)

Thank you so much. I think you are right, this is an opportunity to just start fresh in this new point in my life. I'll continue to try to have this perspective. 

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11 minutes ago, shadowclaw said:

I'm a little annoyed with two of my students right now. I gave a quiz and these two students completely missed how I wanted them to answer a question. So they basically lost over 1/5 of the points on the quiz because they didn't understand that I wanted them to circle one of two choices next to each statement in a list (instead they just circled one of the five statements in the list and I'm not entirely sure why). I emailed them through our online course system so that they'd both get an email and see a notice that they have a message when they login to the course system (which they have to do multiple times per week for their classes).

I asked them to come to my office hours to reanswer the question, but neither showed up. They also didn't email me back and it's been two days, and I can also see that they've visited my course page since I sent the email, so they should have seen it. Maybe they just don't care. 

I don't think you should worry too much about it. You have reached out to them and they have blatantly ignored you. You've done your part as their instructor. If anything - I would probably reach out to them in class at the end of your session if you really want to figure out why they are avoiding you? Cheer up! I think you're doing a great job.

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I just overheard my dad on the phone, and the conversation basically sums up exactly why I argued with my parents so much all through undergrad. He started carrying on about how the whole mentality of "follow your dreams" is just a huge load of crap, because when he was younger, all he wanted was to make money, and he took the path that most easily facilitated that, and that should be enough for everyone. Somewhere in there, there was also a comment expressing doubt that pursuing a PhD is actually going to help me get anywhere in life. It just irritates me. First, even if I did get my bachelors in a STEM field the way my parents wanted me to, that doesn't mean anything. It's not like STEM majors are guaranteed a job. But I've never been inclined to just blindly walk down the path that might lead to a higher salary one day. People spend most of their waking hours at work. Why would I ever want to spend the majority of my life doing something I hate? I'd honestly rather than make a bit less money and do something that doesn't make me miserable than get rich living my life in pursuit of the weekend and dreading every Monday. Life is too short to only be able to enjoy two sevenths of it. And since they made me switch majors in undergrad, I guess because "chasing dreams" is all nonsense and stumbling on the path is a sign that it's time to give up rather than persevere and find a way to overcome the obstacles, getting a PhD is probably my best shot at having a career that, while perhaps not the most lucrative, won't end in me hating going to work for the rest of my life. I know they'd rather I was a medical doctor or a lawyer, or some other thing people associate with money, but it's just not going to happen. I know my parents won't ever really understand my desire to choose happiness over riches, but it still annoys me to hear them talk about how a huge salary should be the single most important goal in life.

And frankly, yeah. Financially, things have worked out pretty well for my parents. But my mom ended up in a job with a boss she hated so much it gave her ulcers, and once she quite when my sister and I were little, she never went back to work. So effectively, she retired by her early forties. My dad still works, but he always talks about how much he hates his job and he's literally never excited to go in. He's constantly looking at job listings and trying to find a way out. My sister also has a job she loathes. I see how unhappy their work has made all of them, and I don't want that for myself. I don't want to give up on my career early because I can't stand it, nor do I want to come home in a foul mood all the time because I just can't be happy while I'm working.

I know it just boils down to me and my family having very different outlooks on life, and I don't understand their attitude of "you don't need to like your job, because you just work to earn money to do the things you love" anymore than they understand my desire to be happy both at work and in my spare time, even if it means making less money, but the disconnect frustrates me.

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2 hours ago, angesradieux said:

I know it just boils down to me and my family having very different outlooks on life, and I don't understand their attitude of "you don't need to like your job, because you just work to earn money to do the things you love" anymore than they understand my desire to be happy both at work and in my spare time, even if it means making less money, but the disconnect frustrates me.

I wrote a sitcom pilot on this exact thesis. I think there is a generational divide between over that precise issue. So take solace in knowing it's a seemingly universal experience.

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On 4/19/2017 at 0:46 PM, OptimiscallyAnxious said:

Well it is official, my 5+ year relationship is over. I think I'm numb because I don't even feel sad, yet. Maybe I need more time for it to actually sink in. I just wish it wasn't happening right before I'm set to leave for a research trip abroad and as I try to get ready to start grad school this fall. 

 After over 4 years, my relationship ended right before applications were due so I can say I have a slight idea of what you're going through. It's not the thing you probably want to hear but I promise it will get better. You have awesome things coming your way and just know it is 100% okay to have crappy days where all you want to do is eat ice cream and bingewatch Netflix. Seriously. Sending you lots of good vibes that the positives in your life will outweigh all this bad stuff you are going through :)

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I am reviewer number 2!!  God, why?! What have I become?!  --> I don't like rejecting papers, even if it is just a practice review. Lol!

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12 minutes ago, Cheshire_Cat said:

I'm so sorry :( 

I'm hoping he comes back, he's been gone since Friday. I've visited all the pounds/shelters/petsmart and left flyers. I've put up ads on facebook groups. At least he's chipped. I'm going to visit the vet soon and see how they can help. I've put on the flyer I'm willing to pay for his return. He's been mainly outdoor (I wanted to bring him in but I was afraid of being evicted, one of my fears is being homeless). If I find him, I'm going to set him up in a nice pet hotel that I'll visit everyday until we move into our new pet friendly apartment. I know the truly responsible thing was to wait until I moved but he mainly adopted me. He showed up one day in January and has been here everyday since thing. I've gotten his vaccines and made sure he had breakfast/lunch/dinner and fresh water.

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11 hours ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

I'm hoping he comes back, he's been gone since Friday. I've visited all the pounds/shelters/petsmart and left flyers. I've put up ads on facebook groups. At least he's chipped. I'm going to visit the vet soon and see how they can help. I've put on the flyer I'm willing to pay for his return. He's been mainly outdoor (I wanted to bring him in but I was afraid of being evicted, one of my fears is being homeless). If I find him, I'm going to set him up in a nice pet hotel that I'll visit everyday until we move into our new pet friendly apartment. I know the truly responsible thing was to wait until I moved but he mainly adopted me. He showed up one day in January and has been here everyday since thing. I've gotten his vaccines and made sure he had breakfast/lunch/dinner and fresh water.

My cat likes to be outside too. He got lost a few weeks ago for about 3 days, but then sauntered back. It was a hard experience.  What got him back was the smell of his litter box, but if your is outdoors, he may not have a litter box.  (I normally wouldn't let a cat go outside, but he was going crazy being cooped up in my tiny apartment all day, and has changed for the better now that he goes out sometimes.)

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16 hours ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

I'm hoping he comes back, he's been gone since Friday. I've visited all the pounds/shelters/petsmart and left flyers. I've put up ads on facebook groups. At least he's chipped. I'm going to visit the vet soon and see how they can help. I've put on the flyer I'm willing to pay for his return. He's been mainly outdoor (I wanted to bring him in but I was afraid of being evicted, one of my fears is being homeless). If I find him, I'm going to set him up in a nice pet hotel that I'll visit everyday until we move into our new pet friendly apartment. I know the truly responsible thing was to wait until I moved but he mainly adopted me. He showed up one day in January and has been here everyday since thing. I've gotten his vaccines and made sure he had breakfast/lunch/dinner and fresh water.

If it makes you feel better, a couple years back, a friend of mine's cat ran out the door twice since she's had her. Both times it was a fluke--she was bringing a package in or something, and all of a sudden, the cat who didn't usually have any desire to go outside just bolted. Her cat wasn't chipped, but after putting up flyers and scouring the neighborhood, my friend got her cat back both times. It took a while, and both times she'd just about given up on finding her, but it had a happy ending. And you have an even better chance of finding your cat since he's chipped. We also have a cat who's an indoor/outdoor cat. For a few year, in the spring she'd just wander off and we wouldn't see her for a couple weeks. But then she'd come sauntering back, perfectly fine. Don't give up. In my experience, cats have a way of finding their way back.

 

Here's my vent. I posted a few months ago about a professor who kind of hijacked a translation I was collaborating with him on. All of a sudden, two new names appeared on the finished project, and I was listed as one of four translators when in truth the whole draft of the translation was my work. Any subsequent work was refining what I'd already translated, and I hadn't been told anyone except me and this professor would be involved until it came time to start signing contracts for publication. Well, the initial anger has faded a bit, but I'm still pretty bitter and jaded over the whole thing, and it'll still make me think twice before working on any collaborative projects in the future. I thought I was mostly over it, but then I got the contract from the publisher. It's awful. It basically says I sold my translation to this professor, which was never something I agreed to, and because of this I get nothing in terms of royalties, even though the one and only time I discussed royalties with him, he said we would split them equally between the two of us. But I don't know. I guess he changed his mind after the two other people materialized and latched onto my project. But I come out of this with nothing but my name listed among three others on the title page. Oh. And a free copy of the book. Big effing whoop. I sat on the e-mail about the contract for awhile because I was just floored by how deceptive he'd been about the whole thing. But today I sent an e-mail finally giving my permission to go ahead, because I realize it's not worth the fight. He's an established, tenured professor and I'm just a young woman who hasn't even started grad school yet and has no credibility in the field. But I feel awful about it. I feel like I poured my so much of my time and energy into this project only for my contribution to be diminished by the addition of two other names and for the professor to go back on the original agreement with no notice until I get this contract in my e-mail, at which point it's too late for me to say anything. Even if it's just a translation, it's my first publication. It should be an exciting milestone. But I just want to cry. At this point I kind of wish we weren't going ahead with publication. For a time I was tempted to withhold my permission so it couldn't be published. But academia is a small world, and even though this professor doesn't work in my subfield, I feel like I can't afford to burn the bridge that way. This whole thing has left such a sour taste in my mouth. I can't help but feel like he abused my trust and totally took advantage and it just looks like I was riding other peoples' coattails when that couldn't be farther from the truth. But hey. At least I get a free book, right? That I'm either going to burn or shove under my bed to collect dust for all eternity.

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20 hours ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

i lost my cat...

Oh no! I hope you find it soon. When I was a teen, we moved about a mile away after my parents sold the house to a temporary apartment while they built a new house on some land they had purchased. One of my cats would constantly bolt out the door and walk to our old house and we'd get a phone call from the new owners to come get our cat. Once we moved into the new house, she stopped doing that.

One of my best friends also had her cat disappear in a storm one night. He occasionally went outside and on this night he must have gotten a little lost in the storm and didn't come back in the morning. She put up flyers, visited the shelters, posted to cragislist, etc. and after several weeks, she accepted that he was never coming home. Fast forward about 5 months from when he went missing, and the lady who lived about 5 houses down from her saw a flyer still hanging at a store and called her. She had the cat the entire time and somehow never noticed any of the flyers. So don't give up!

2 hours ago, angesradieux said:

Well, the initial anger has faded a bit, but I'm still pretty bitter and jaded over the whole thing, and it'll still make me think twice before working on any collaborative projects in the future. I thought I was mostly over it, but then I got the contract from the publisher. It's awful. It basically says I sold my translation to this professor, which was never something I agreed to, and because of this I get nothing in terms of royalties, even though the one and only time I discussed royalties with him, he said we would split them equally between the two of us. But I don't know. I guess he changed his mind after the two other people materialized and latched onto my project. But I come out of this with nothing but my name listed among three others on the title page. Oh. And a free copy of the book. Big effing whoop. I sat on the e-mail about the contract for awhile because I was just floored by how deceptive he'd been about the whole thing. But today I sent an e-mail finally giving my permission to go ahead, because I realize it's not worth the fight. He's an established, tenured professor and I'm just a young woman who hasn't even started grad school yet and has no credibility in the field. But I feel awful about it. I feel like I poured my so much of my time and energy into this project only for my contribution to be diminished by the addition of two other names and for the professor to go back on the original agreement with no notice until I get this contract in my e-mail, at which point it's too late for me to say anything. Even if it's just a translation, it's my first publication. It should be an exciting milestone. But I just want to cry. At this point I kind of wish we weren't going ahead with publication. For a time I was tempted to withhold my permission so it couldn't be published. But academia is a small world, and even though this professor doesn't work in my subfield, I feel like I can't afford to burn the bridge that way. This whole thing has left such a sour taste in my mouth. I can't help but feel like he abused my trust and totally took advantage and it just looks like I was riding other peoples' coattails when that couldn't be farther from the truth. But hey. At least I get a free book, right? That I'm either going to burn or shove under my bed to collect dust for all eternity.

Arrrg, this makes me so mad for you! I assume you didn't have the professor's promise to split the royalties in half in writing (email or otherwise). I know you don't think it was worth the fight, but I feel a bit sad that you let it slide so easily. From your post, it doesn't even look like you approached the professor to ask him why he went back on his word. You could have even phrased it as, "the publisher seems to have made an error in the contract. How do we go about correcting this so I get my portion of the royalties like we discussed?" However, you know what's best for you. Although I would still ask the professor what was up that - maybe wait until you've graduated and on your way to grad school so he doesn't get huffy and screw you over further. As for the free book, personally, I'd burn it.

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1 hour ago, shadowclaw said:

Oh no! I hope you find it soon. When I was a teen, we moved about a mile away after my parents sold the house to a temporary apartment while they built a new house on some land they had purchased. One of my cats would constantly bolt out the door and walk to our old house and we'd get a phone call from the new owners to come get our cat. Once we moved into the new house, she stopped doing that.

One of my best friends also had her cat disappear in a storm one night. He occasionally went outside and on this night he must have gotten a little lost in the storm and didn't come back in the morning. She put up flyers, visited the shelters, posted to cragislist, etc. and after several weeks, she accepted that he was never coming home. Fast forward about 5 months from when he went missing, and the lady who lived about 5 houses down from her saw a flyer still hanging at a store and called her. She had the cat the entire time and somehow never noticed any of the flyers. So don't give up!

Arrrg, this makes me so mad for you! I assume you didn't have the professor's promise to split the royalties in half in writing (email or otherwise). I know you don't think it was worth the fight, but I feel a bit sad that you let it slide so easily. From your post, it doesn't even look like you approached the professor to ask him why he went back on his word. You could have even phrased it as, "the publisher seems to have made an error in the contract. How do we go about correcting this so I get my portion of the royalties like we discussed?" However, you know what's best for you. Although I would still ask the professor what was up that - maybe wait until you've graduated and on your way to grad school so he doesn't get huffy and screw you over further. As for the free book, personally, I'd burn it.

I have it in an email, but I just don't know if it's worth arguing. I have graduated, so he can't really do anything, but I'm afraid to burn the bridge completely. But that was before two other people materialized. And when I approached him about them, he was evasive. I asked who one of them was, because I'd never even heard him mention her. He gave me some useless information and didn't say anything about what she contributed. And I had to really press him to show me the title page, where I'm listed as one of four, and when he did he made a big deal about how he put me first because I got the ball rolling. But his name is also listed above mine as "editor." So big whoop. It still looks like I was riding his coattails and it says nothing about me being the principal translator, which irks me because I did the entire draft. And I proposed the project. We planned it together from the beginning, it isn't like he brought me in on an existing project. It was always partially mine. And this professor corresponds with me over email as if everything's normal and he didn't totally screw me over. But the only leverage I have is threatening to refuse to sign the contract, and I don't know if it's worth starting an argument. It still makes me incredibly angry though. And it kills me that they have to send me an official copy of the contract to sign, so I get to dredge up all the resentment and bitterness again when that happens.

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@Cheshire_Cat @angesradieux @shadowclaw thank you all for your kind words. they mean a lot. I will keep you guys updated. I'm not moving until a little while so I'm hoping he shows up soon.

Also @angesradieux i'm very sorry that you were taken advantage like that. Its grossly unethical. I understand why you are bitter. I don't have much advice, only an internet hug.

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I'm an emotional wreck. the official contract came today, and I'm supposed to sign it and mail it off. But I just don't want to. I really thought I could trust this guy and that we had a good relationship. But I guess he just looked at me and saw someone he could exploit, and it kills me that I was stupid enough to let it happen. And the worst part is that there were moments when the warning bells were going off--no major red flags, just a comment here and that rubbed me the wrong way and made me have some doubts--but I just brushed it off as a product of paranoia, ptsd, and anxiety making it hard for me to trust people. Should've went with my gut. But I guess lesson learned. In the future, I plan to just focus on my own projects and not involve anyone else. I think I'm done with collaborations. And what makes it even more infuriating is this professor had all the necessary skills to do this translation himself. But he didn't feel like it and was content to just sit back and complain about how the source wasn't available in English until I came to him with the proposition and completed the entire first draft by myself. If he wanted to bring his friends in on it and take most of the credit for it, he very well could have done it himself without exploiting me to do it. He just would have had to do the work. But instead he chose to take advantage of me.

Meanwhile, I was feeling okay about moving for grad school. But now I'm a wreck over that, too. And I want to spend time with my family while I'm still here and don't have to take a plane to get back home, but I feel like no one else cares or wants to be bothered. I feel like everyone just has their own little bubbles and there's no room for me in any of them. It's like I'm totally superfluous and no one will miss me when I leave. Except maybe one of the dogs, but even she'll get over it. And maybe occasionally my parents will miss my beef wellington. But nobody really looks for my company and I feel like I always have to invite myself if I want to be included, and I feel mostly expendable. I went out and spent way more money than I should have on a stupid lemon tree and some other plants so I would have something around that actually needs my care and attention.

I'm angry over the translation nonsense and frustrated and hurt by my family's apparent indifference and in some cases apparent aversion to my presence, and I just feel like a total train wreck. I planned to move closer to the start of the semester. But maybe I should just leave as soon as I find a place. That way I'm out of everyone's hair and at least I won't be around to notice them not caring about me.

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Seriously, eff this effing week. I'm freaking out because I have an MRI on monday that I'll have to pay a bit for, potential surgery depending on the MRI which means I'll have to shell out for htat, and yesterday evening the transmission on my car went so that's going to cost a ridiculous amount to fix. I have no idea where I'm going to get potentially $5k + to pay for all this. I need to stop freaking out and wait for the diagnoses on the car and my injury but right now I can't. To top it all off I'm taking my candidacy exam in 3 weeks, and have finals this coming week. AGH

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12 hours ago, angesradieux said:

I'm an emotional wreck. the official contract came today, and I'm supposed to sign it and mail it off. But I just don't want to. I really thought I could trust this guy and that we had a good relationship. But I guess he just looked at me and saw someone he could exploit, and it kills me that I was stupid enough to let it happen.

Likely not what you want to read at this point:  sing the contract, get your name in print, wash your hands and be done with it.  Ten years from now you'll be glad you did.  Your best work (and publications) is ahead of you.  

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