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Dating People in Academia


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http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/should-i-stay-with-my-wimpy-boyfriend/

 

Seriously, one of the main deterrents I have to entering academia is having to deal with people who can't function in a normal environment. Out of the numerous grad students and professors I have dated, I would say about 2-3 have had problems with normal life activities similar in magnitude to this guy, and whereas it didn't bother me very much, most of the time I was like, WTF. People in academia just seem so anxious about everything, in a way that people in other high-stakes high-profile jobs such as finance or medicine aren't. It really makes one reconsider the precariousness of academic life.

 

Basically, I hate scholars because they're petty, I hate students because they're stupid... Why am I here?

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I haven't had the same experience.  I dated a couple of people who were great just not for me that were also academics and I had a pretty serious relationship with someone who was in my discipline (also an academic) who would fit under the "student for life/no real life desire to work" tab.  He's still racking up student debt in school and this will be his 4th time going into a program, I think.  He has no clue what he wants to do with his life and is significantly older than I am.  We broke up when he left our program and it was most definitely for the best.  He was severely depressed, angry, and irrational.  I really do hope he finds something that he wants to do because i know he is capable of being great at teaching and research.  I just don't know what that will be for him and neither did he (the main reason we would fight).  I refused to solve all of his problems and he got angry about it regularly.  I also had a very abusive ex who was a PhD student in engineering and CS.  He was not a nice person but he also had a business on the side and understood the real world TBF.

 

I think it matters more about the person in the short-term.  In the long term, it matters more about the question of staying or leaving academia.  Most couples face that crunch when on the hiring market.   You can meet a flakey person anywhere, though. And anyone can be awful, abusive, terrifying, etc.  I don't think that this is restricted to academia.  I've had trouble dating non-academics in that they don't seem to "get" that what I do is not "college" and that my job isn't as easily located as theirs is.  I had a relationship of about 7 months die out because the then-SO refused to understand that I couldn't just "give up" my work here and become a housewife or, after I graduated, make my employment plans all about his location.

 

FWIW, I am now in a very serious relationship with a non-academic who works as a tradesmen/laborer.  He's got two BA's and doesn't do anything with either right now because skilled jobs pay more.

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http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/should-i-stay-with-my-wimpy-boyfriend/

 

Seriously, one of the main deterrents I have to entering academia is having to deal with people who can't function in a normal environment. Out of the numerous grad students and professors I have dated, I would say about 2-3 have had problems with normal life activities similar in magnitude to this guy, and whereas it didn't bother me very much, most of the time I was like, WTF. People in academia just seem so anxious about everything, in a way that people in other high-stakes high-profile jobs such as finance or medicine aren't. It really makes one reconsider the precariousness of academic life.

 

Basically, I hate scholars because they're petty, I hate students because they're stupid... Why am I here?

 

If this is an April Fool's joke, considering giving your creative juices a good shake.

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Seriously- why can't people just let people be who they are and not date them... ? More irritated by that link than anything else. Just sounds like whinning.... she "lost respect" for him. So judgemental... people try too hard to fit themselves into relationships they don't belong in, like jamming two misfit puzzle pieces together. If you don't want to date a student or a professor... then don't.

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No kidding!

 

It's not like anyone forces you to date anyone.  And, I'm assuming none of these were really, really serious relationships with shared property that would make you think twice.  So, that can't even be a reason to stick with someone you don't like!

 

And if you want to date non-academics, online date!  That's how I met the BF.  Be realistic on your profile and about the process in general and you will probably be okay.  But again, I don't understand why people force the issue.

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Related question: If you do date people inside of academia, do you prefer/have you had better luck with people inside of your major/concentration, or outside of it?

 

On the one hand, dating another historian/computer scientist/anthropologist means they know what you're going through at work and understand exactly what you do, but on the other hand, sometimes that can make it feel like your world just got a lot smaller. As a humanities major, I've generally had more luck with partners in the sciences, since it broadens my horizons and what they do isn't so similar to what I do that I feel like I'm living in a fishbowl. That being said, I'm a historian who is currently dating another historian (albeit in a completely different specialty/geographic field), and it's been working out fine. 

 

Thoughts on this? 

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Related question: If you do date people inside of academia, do you prefer/have you had better luck with people inside of your major/concentration, or outside of it?

 

On the one hand, dating another historian/computer scientist/anthropologist means they know what you're going through at work and understand exactly what you do, but on the other hand, sometimes that can make it feel like your world just got a lot smaller. As a humanities major, I've generally had more luck with partners in the sciences, since it broadens my horizons and what they do isn't so similar to what I do that I feel like I'm living in a fishbowl. That being said, I'm a historian who is currently dating another historian (albeit in a completely different specialty/geographic field), and it's been working out fine. 

 

Thoughts on this? 

 

I'm in sociology and my husband is in psychology. I feel like that is a winning combo because we broaden each other's horizons but there is still enough overlap that we understand what each other is doing. 

 

I find it really funny hearing the girls in my class who are dating business majors talk about how conflicting their views are. I just don't see how that would be sustainable... (Not implying that business majors cannot be socially conscious, just not these ones in particular.) 

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Related question: If you do date people inside of academia, do you prefer/have you had better luck with people inside of your major/concentration, or outside of it?

 

On the one hand, dating another historian/computer scientist/anthropologist means they know what you're going through at work and understand exactly what you do, but on the other hand, sometimes that can make it feel like your world just got a lot smaller. As a humanities major, I've generally had more luck with partners in the sciences, since it broadens my horizons and what they do isn't so similar to what I do that I feel like I'm living in a fishbowl. That being said, I'm a historian who is currently dating another historian (albeit in a completely different specialty/geographic field), and it's been working out fine. 

 

Thoughts on this? 

 

I've always dated humanities people, as it helps keep things interesting. I've honestly never had an attraction to another scientist (except one who was a hippie being pressured into med school by parents), so I guess that rules out hot inter-lab shenanigans. *le sigh*

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I've always dated humanities people, as it helps keep things interesting. I've honestly never had an attraction to another scientist (except one who was a hippie being pressured into med school by parents), so I guess that rules out hot inter-lab shenanigans. *le sigh*

 

Oh man I have SO many hot library shenanigan fantasies … I guess I'll have to keep dating other humanities people to make those come true ;)

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Oh man I have SO many hot library shenanigan fantasies … I guess I'll have to keep dating other humanities people to make those come true ;)

 

GURL, get it. To be fair, my SO and I have gotten busy at work with some role play...I used to work alone for a while and that DEFINITELY had its benefits.

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http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/should-i-stay-with-my-wimpy-boyfriend/

 

Seriously, one of the main deterrents I have to entering academia is having to deal with people who can't function in a normal environment. Out of the numerous grad students and professors I have dated, I would say about 2-3 have had problems with normal life activities similar in magnitude to this guy, and whereas it didn't bother me very much, most of the time I was like, WTF. People in academia just seem so anxious about everything, in a way that people in other high-stakes high-profile jobs such as finance or medicine aren't. It really makes one reconsider the precariousness of academic life.

 

Basically, I hate scholars because they're petty, I hate students because they're stupid... Why am I here?

Oh, I think it's pretty obvious why you're here.

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Related question: If you do date people inside of academia, do you prefer/have you had better luck with people inside of your major/concentration, or outside of it?

 

I think ideally, I'd like to date people in a related-but-not-the-same field (e.g. a different STEM subject for me), so they can have some idea of what I do in the lab all day / be interested in a lot of the same things as me, but also have new things to tell me about. My current SO is in the same program and year as me (we met at frosh week) and having 80% of our classes together was definitely a bit much, but now that I'm leaving for engineering I'm sure it'll be better :)

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