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Adelaide9216

Love, Academia and Success

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On 1/22/2020 at 8:04 PM, AnachronisticPoet said:

Women in my family have made comments about me not getting married until after grad school but more because I think they see my life "starting" when I finish school and not that being in a PhD would be part of my life. I'm less concerned with the 'intimidating' thing and more that being in a PhD program makes it difficult to be in a relationship especially with the tumultuous nature of the field and not knowing where I'll be next geographically, as well as being in a (potentially) new city and not really meeting people outside the program.

I was talking with a professor in my program about applying PhD's in general and relationships came up. When I told her (at the time) that I was single, she responded, "Good. That makes choosing and transitioning to a program easier." Her husband is in academia, too, and she said they struggle a lot with debt and finances because they're both in this field. 

I'm now in a relationship and waiting to hear back from PhD's. My boyfriend is applying to Law schools in the area whereas I've applied all over the country. Even though we have a great, open, and communicative relationship, and he's super supportive of my career, we've kind of just been putting off discussing what the future looks like for our relationship because things are so uncertain right now. It's become "let's just wait and see" about applications, and that's been kind of tough.

I agree with you. I'm not saying being in a relationship is easy. I'm not expecting things to be perfect neither. But I just wish what it felt like to be in a positive and happy relationship with a man.

But I do agree that it makes things easier to be single in terms of planning and moving, etc. I am planning on being a Visiting Research Scholar in 2021, and it would have been harder to plan that if I was in a relationship. I also think that being single allows me to devote my entire time to my studies, which would be a little bit more difficult if I was in a relationship, especially if I was in a relationship with someone that does not understand what PhD studies entail.

FYI, I began seeing a therapist over this. I have not been in a good place mentally at the end of 2019. And she believes that there is nothing wrong in what I am doing, my approach, who I am. A few people tried to "blame" me for being single, that I attract my situation by not being positive (law of attraction), and other types of BS. And it makes me angry every time when I get told that I must do something for me to experience this. I am glad that she sees I haven't been lucky, that's it. Because I have self-respect, and don't settle for less (which is a good thing in her opinion), it's just harder to find a good man out there. She also does not believe my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

I kinda feel better, but I'm taking the days one at a time. 

Edited by Adelaide9216

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9 minutes ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I agree with you. I'm not saying being in a relationship is easy. I'm not expecting things to be perfect neither. But I just wish what it felt like to be in a positive and happy relationship with a man.

But I do agree that it makes things easier to be single in terms of planning and moving, etc. I am planning on being a Visiting Research Scholar in 2021, and it would have been harder to plan that if I was in a relationship. I also think that being single allows me to devote my entire time to my studies, which would be a little bit more difficult if I was in a relationship, especially if I was in a relationship with someone that does not understand what PhD studies entail.

FYI, I began seeing a therapist over this. I have not been in a good place mentally at the end of 2019. And she believes that there is nothing wrong in what I am doing, my approach, who I am. A few people tried to "blame" me for being single, that I attract my situation by not being positive (law of attraction), and other types of BS. And it makes me angry every time when I get told that I must do something for me to experience this. I am glad that she sees I haven't been lucky, that's it. Because I have self-respect, and don't settle for less (which is a good thing in her opinion), it's just harder to find a good man out there. She also does not believe my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

I kinda feel better, but I'm taking the days one at a time. 

I’m glad to hear that! It’s very frustrating, but you deserve someone who respects and loves you for who you are and what you do. Anyone who doesn’t isn’t someone that would make you happy in the long run. Don’t worry about what other people think so much—everyone has an opinion about where people should be at any given point in their lives, but everyone lives their life differently. You do what’s best for you, and you’ll find someone who loves that.

I wasn’t trying to undermine your point by any means by sharing where I’m at, and I hope it didn’t come off that way! I was just contributing to the topic more generally

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2 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

Chiming in to say that just finding a straight man who /truly/ respects women can be such a challenge. As a transmasc person, I genuinely think it's easier for me to find a good guy now that dating straight dudes isn't an option. So many of them, even if they're generally good people, have these deeply-ingrained misogynistic ideas that they've never questioned. Plus, I imagine you're better at discerning that than the average bear.

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I can't control the future, and I can't control others. I just have to accept that it may never come for me. It's hard, but I don't believe that "everyone finds their better half". Some people don't. And I may be one of them. And I have to accept that, even if it doesn't correspond the plan I had in my head for my family and love life. 

I don't even want to date anymore. All I get told is "you're the most extraordinary person I have ever met, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you". I can't stand being told this anymore, it just makes me angry and bitter. 

Edited by Adelaide9216

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