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Tamim Ahmed

GRE Issue Writing

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Hi, I am planning to appear GRE exam very soon. I am facing problems in the GRE AWA section. My writing is in very poor condition. It would be a great help if somebody please go through one of my issue example and suggest a better way to improve my writing.  I have attached my answer of the issue. Thanks in advance.

Issue:

The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.

My answer:

A great leader is that person who can help his people in their distress not by showing superiority to them. A person learn leadership from his childhood. Childhood is the period which will determine what he will do in his next life. So whatever he learns in that time is very important for his life. That's why he should learn to help others from childhood not neglecting them and thinks to go forward.

Whenever a child comes in a society, he learns about other people. That's the best time for him to be taught. If he learns that earning respect comes from people, so he will focus that in his life. He will always try to be at their side. Whenever it comes to competetion, he will just ignore others and thinks for himself only. He will learn that to exist in society, one must learn to beat others. That's way society will not be benefitted from him in any way.

Mahatma Gandhi dedicated his life for his people. He helps is country for freedom. He frees his people from British. He understands his people and helps them when they are in distress. He was a great leader. People still remember him for his self-denial. If he thinks about competition, he didn't have to do that. He was a president. But in that way people will not be benefitted from him.

Whenver a child plays with his friend, if he always think about winning and wins every time, he will never understand the pain his friend gets because of losing. But if he learns that by helping his friend and teach him how to play well, then he can put a smile on his friend's face.

In our society, in most cases competition is practices not cooperation. From the very early stage of childhood, people started a race. A race in which thay always think about winning. They think that's their success. But they never learn that success is not lying in beating but helping others.

A society's develpment comes from a young people. If they think about others, people will think about them, worship them. Young people are the valuable assets of the society. They can change any sorrows. A true leader comes from that person who thinks about people. A leader always try to help his people in any ways. But if young people always thinks about the prosperity of about themselves, the development will never come. If we want to develop a society, we should think to help not ignore people.

 

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For what it is worth, I got a 5 on my writing, but here is what I thought given your writing sample.

"A great leader is that a person who can help his the people they lead in their times of distress not by showing superiority to them, but by... (finish the sentence, currently seems fragmented). A person learns leadership from his events in their (or early on in their) childhood. Childhood is the period which will determine what he they will do next in his next their life (awkward sentence and I am not really sure what you are trying to prove). So whatever he they learns in that time their childhood is very important for his their life. That's why he they should learn to help others from childhood not neglecting them and thinks to go forward."

I wont go through the rest of the writing, but basically there are a few things you need to keep in mind when writing on these prompts. Try your best to avoid spelling mistakes, there are a few of them in there. Sentence structure should be done so that the reader can clearly understand what your argument is and what you are trying to prove. The whole idea of these prompts are to force you to either poke holes in other's logic, or write what your opinion is and provide support for that opinion. You can do neither of them if you do not structure your sentences well. I know that 30 minutes is not a lot of time to really think about the prompt and still get a lot written down, but you need to really think about the prompt for about a minute and perhaps type out a quick outline of what your end goal of the essay is. When I took the GRE writing portion, I thought about what belief I wanted the reader to end with and how I was going to prove my opinion to them. So I knew that every paragraph needed to build on each other and further my point to the conclusion.

 

As an example, I would have an outline similar to this one for this prompt:

 

  • Intro: talk about what it means to be a leader
    • What qualities does a leader have?
    • Does cooperation belong in those traits?
    • What does competition do?
    • Do I agree with the prompt?
  • 1st body: Pick the first trait and talk about how it fits in with my opinion
  • 2nd body: Next trait that supports the first one and flows to the end point.
  • 3rd....etc body: Continue the flow
  • Conclusion: Sum up why all of those things make a great leader and supports my vision of what a leader really is.
    • End the essay with some powerful statement that shows I am confident in my stance.

I hope this helps. I really can not evaluate a grade of what you would probably get as I have never really evaluated essays before, but it would maybe be around a 3-3.5 currently?

Edited by Sandmaster

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Thank you very much for showing my errors and giving your suggestions. I was in a fix about how to write an issue. Those errors and the suggestions you wrote are very helpful. I will try to increase my writing ability by following the suggestions you mentioned.

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