throwaway19

I'll be starting my phd in one of the social sciences this fall, straight from undergrad. I've changed my mind about what I want to study numerous times this past year and as August gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel endlessly confused about what I'll end up studying. It seems like everything I'm interested in has been done before, and I don't know how to find my niche. I'm afraid that once school starts, I won't have time to read literature that I'm interested in and as a result, won't be able to find a topic. Is this normal or am I setting myself up for failure?

Hi everyone. This is a throwaway account because I'm identifiable by my main account. I'll try to make this as short as possible. Basically, I feel like sh*t, and for no reason. I got into 6 fully-funded top-50 PhD programs in my field and will be attending a top-15. I won an NSF, have two publications, got Phi Beta Kappa, and won a very good award from my undergrad department. I feel like I don't deserve any of this, like it was all luck or an accident. I feel less accomplished than others in my cohort, especially since I'm one of the youngest. I graduated in December and have been living at home and working an RA job from home. I went to undergrad less than an hour away from home, and I'll be going to the closest "good" school possible in my field, only 4 hours away. All of the others were 8+ hours away. Still, I've never been this far from home. Never studied abroad or anything. I feel stunted. I lived at school all through undergrad and was fine. Now, every time I think of moving, I get all panicky. I cannot bear the thought of it. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and fear - not only of moving, but also of not being able to survive my program, of not being good enough. I wish I could defer for a year, but with my NSF, that's not possible. Besides, it might make things worse. I am very close to my widowed grandmother and see her everyday, and since my parents' divorce, I've gotten very close to my mother, whom I live with now. I'm so worried about leaving them alone. I don't want them to be sad. I also am afraid of having to cook and clean and do all of this stuff for myself, even though I've done it all before. I tried to find a roommate but have failed so far. Besides, I have enough money to live alone and do in fact prefer it. I just don't want to feel lonely. I tend to isolate myself in a new place. I hate moving and starting over and meeting new people, and I feel so comfortable here at home. Sometimes I feel so bad about all of this and want to just forget about the whole grad school thing and just live a quiet and simple life forever. Yet I know I would hate that so much in the long run. I know I would be wasting so much that I've worked for, even though I don't feel like I deserve what I have. I feel like a loser whenever I try to talk to anyone about this; they've all gone abroad multiple times and went to college very far away from home and whatever else. I feel like something is wrong with me for feeling so afraid. But I am so terrified of this new chapter in my life, and I don't know how I'm going to enjoy, or even survive, these next few months of my life. I'm going to be a nervous wreck, and I'm going to ruin the time I do have left at home. For so long I thought I wanted to get away, but now that the time is almost here, I want nothing more than to stay. Sorry for all the rambling, I just needed to vent. I think this is mostly all just fear of growing up, but it just feels overwhelming.