Hi guys,
I am 2 years into grad school and things have turned out miserably. I feel like most people are questioning their desire and ability to be in grad school. Unfortunately, my desire is definitely there, but my advisor has flat-out told to me quit. I love research, it's what I wanna do. (I do question my ability, though, especially because of my advisor.)
My advisor and I don't get along--he has never been present. He has given me mixed messages about the quality of my work. A while ago, he was very critical of me. I put myself in to high-gear, became a better worker, and worked liked crazy. For the past year, he has praised me for making such progress. Now, he is telling me I am not cut out for grad school. He refuses to advise me past this summer.
I realize that this is just his opinion. However, I came in to grad school with a history of depression and many self-esteem issues, so now I question my ability to do anything. I've just been laying in bed for the past week. I mean, it's pretty bad. I wake up wishing I were dead.
I guess the obvious option is to switch advisors, but my discipline isn't that big. Those I have scoped out are not interested.
I have considered applying to other programs, but (1) I fear that moving will make my depression worse since I have a support system here, and (2) I don't even think I could get in to other programs. I wonder if my advisor would even write me a LOR. or if anyone else would. I feel like everyone here thinks I am an unmotivated dummy. (I am just a dummy who is trying their best to battle this depression.)
Finally, I have considered quitting and getting a job, but (1) I'm not really qualified for anything (yes, I chose a useless discipline, but I might be able to get a job bagging groceries), and (2) every time I think about it, I break down in to tears. I feel like a failure because I can't do something that I really love.
I should reiterate that this is all harder because of the depression.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
am I SOL?
(PS yes, I am in therapy. It does help, but I am still struggling. yes, I know that eating right and exercising helps. I have dealt with depression before, but it's never been this crippling.)
