graduateconfusion3

danieleWrites, levoyous, Brisingamen, Thank you all so much for the replies. I think that taking the summer off seems like it will be necessary. By off, I mean not taking any courses and reading/studying what I want to study. Of course, I have to work so that I can pay my rent and such, but maybe I'll look for something on the mindless spectrum. The advice about sticking through the free MA is what I've been hearing frequently from friends, former professors and myself. I think that this might be a good route if I can stick it out. I definitely have interests in the subject matter, but I think what is detracting from my yearn continue academic work is all of the coursework that I have absolutely no interest in. It's like doing 2-3 years of courses that you're really not interested in to then be able to comp/do a dissertation on something you fully enjoy.

Hi, all. I've been on these boards for a long while now (under a different username, though, so that my identity would not be shown with this post) and have gotten some seriously great advice throughout the years (2 app seasons and post-). So, here I am again. I'm in the first year of a PhD program in the humanities. 24 years old. Decently far from home. Fully funded and haven't dipped into any debt. I'm really unhappy and maybe even a little bit depressed. There is a decent mix of impostor syndrome, not thinking I love the subject as much as I thought I did, and feeling like I've lost my identity. I am slightly ashamed of myself and I don't want to disappoint anyone -- my department, family, the people I've met and, most of all, myself. I worked so hard for 4-5 years to get to this point, and once I got here, I am realizing that I don't think it is what I want. Not even sure I want to teach anymore, and, even if I did, there are little to no jobs in my field... Everyone keeps on saying that "it's a first year thing" and "first year is the worst" and "give it time" or something of that nature. I don't even know what to think anymore. Part of this whole confusion is that if I were to drop out, I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea what I would do with myself. Hence the feeling of a lost of identity -- just not all that sure who I am anymore. Need some serious soul searching, that's for sure! I've seen a psychologist and have spoken to some friends. The former was some good help, so I figured I'd consult some other confused and/or professional strangers on the boards for more chatter. Anyone else having thoughts like this? Would love to hear some experiences of and advice from others. Thank you in advance for any help. Really appreciate any sentiments in this time of quasi-existential crisis.