Hi all,
This feels a bit weird to type as my first post, but I'm hoping to get some advice and thoughts. Honestly, really just having someone else read this and getting ou there would be nice.
I'm part way through my second semester in my PhD (in life sciences), and earned my Master's degree at the same university in Spring 2013.
Long story short, I'm really unhappy where I'm at. When I started my Master's, I was really excited about my area of research. Things were going well, and although I was really busy, I was passionate about my work and it motivated me to get it done and put in the extra hours. My advisor was supportive, and although I realized I had a lot to learn, I felt like I was on the right path.
As I progressed in my Master's degree, things began to get worse. I realized my advisor steered me wrong in several ways, and his advice has led to at least three of my experiments failing. He was well intentioned, but I began to realize he wasn't knowledgeable in the areas that I needed help with. I learned and have learned to rely on committee members for advice where my advisor has come short, but often the help hasn't been enough.
When I finished my Master's, I was pretty mentally exhausted. An important note is that I have pretty high anxiety (I've been diagnosed with OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, borderline Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and on and off depression). That sounds pretty bad as I write that out, but I generally manage alright unless I'm really stressed out. The SAD and GAD I wad diagnosed with during grad school, and I was in pretty good shape coming into grad school. Though last spring, I was quite unwell while writing my thesis. I started avoiding people, stayed indoors, and gained a large amout of weight. I pushed through it though, with a 4.0 GPA. Counseling and meds have helped since then, and I began my PhD in a much better frame of mind.
I had talked to my advisor about time demands before agreeing to take on a PhD and was assured that things would be different. Cut to a year later, and things aren't too different. I'm working most weekends, and late on weekdays. I know that comes standard for many graduate students, but given how I go downhill under chronicly high levels of stress, I can't handle that much. Once I overwork myself, I get less done and work more to compensate - it ends up in a wicked downward spiral.
I'm also fairly demotivated and feel like I've lost whatever passion I had for my research. It's become harder for me to put in long hours. My advisor, while he's a nice guy, hasn't been there as I've hoped. He's focused on including many more graduate students in our lab, but has failed to give them adequate support.
Last year, he won a grant on which I'm currently funded; however, when reading the grant, I realized that he lacked basic knowledge about our area of research. Two Master's students associated with our grant have ended up salvaging projects, or have found themselves without a functioning project. Many more have been promised resources that we simply don't have, and last year's field research was a near total failure due to poor planning and organization. Next year's research is set up to fail similarly and we're actually doubling our efforts using the same methods that failed.
Unfortunately, I'm usually not told about these failures, even though they impact directly on my research. My advisor pretends he hasn't heard from collaboraters, or changes the subject. I find out months afterward, usually from someone else, or once, during a conference presentation.
I'm preparing my first publication from my Master's research, and I recently realized that my research lacked a few basic measurements that I didn't know to take at the time, and that I wasn't advised to take. Even though my advisor acknowledged it's very possibly unpublishable, he's still pushing me to publish it.
I've just started my second semester, and I've realized how disillusioned I've become. One part of me wishes I could finish up the PhD, but I still have three years ahead of me and I don't know if I can do it. My passion for research has turned into constant frustration and pessimism. I think I could get a good job with my Master's, but I think part of me is afraid to approach my advisor. I've considered letting him know I'm considering dropping the program, but I don't know if it would be better to hold back unless I know for sure I'm quitting.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading if you've got this far, and please offer any advice you have if you've been in a similar situation.
