wreckingball

Thanks to everyone for this advice, and for the reassurances that my concerns are valid and not necessarily atypical. I'm trying to approach this from a very logical perspective, even though my mind just wants to panic which makes it hard to think straight! It's a little hard to gauge my potential advisor's job placement record, since he's only had 3 students complete their dissertations at this school since he's been there - his advisee placement record at his last position was ok, but not great for our field (a social science that doesn't have a completely over-saturated job market yet). I will say that out of the professors currently at this program, his students have done the best- the only two alumni who got TT jobs at R1s within the past 5 years were his advisees. The students of his I've talked to really admire and respect him, even while admitting he's too busy to be anything more than a very hands-off advisor. And everyone I know who has worked with him thinks very highly of him as a scholar. When I was deciding, I figured that, combined with my interest in his research, outweighed the fact that I wasn't sure he was the best advisor fit for me, personality-wise, as well as the phenomenal placement records of my other potential advisors (both of them have placed 3 or more students in top departments in our field within the past decade). I guess now, recognizing that I wasn't in the best state of mind when I made the decision, I'm seriously reevaluating the factors on which I based it, especially since I recently found out that a couple of professors in the department have a habit of not actually reading students' theses and dissertations when they're on their committees... and that a few students have recently been asked to leave the department without prior warning that they weren't performing up to par...

First of, this post is half asking for advice or opinions, and half just venting. Also, before anyone asks, I am planning to see a psychologist and talk to a couple of former professors in the very near future - I know that, as helpful as these forums may be, this issue is most appropriately addressed by professionals. I just need to get it off my chest, and maybe get some viewpoints from people who have recently been in the same or similar position as me. I got into all of my top three choices this application cycle and like many people had a terrible time deciding between them. A big part of my dilemma was that the school where they were doing the research I liked the best was the school with the program that was probably the least well-rounded, has reputations for advisor-related issues, has the worst job placement record out of the three (although they've had a couple of pretty great placements in the past decade), and was the one school I honestly felt slightly uncomfortable at when I visited. I'd actually removed it from consideration at least once after visiting, before doubts about the other schools and a fondness for this school's research made me put it back into the running. Plus, I have a history of depression and anxiety issues, and now realize that I was in the middle of a (still ongoing) major depressive episode during the entire decision making process- which definitely affected my ability to make even minor decisions, and made me feel completely lost when it came to making such a monumental decision as where to go to graduate school. The thursday before April 15th I decided to attend the school where I love the research they're doing- even though pretty much everything else, except maybe for the amount of research and travel funding available (I was fully funded everywhere), went in the other schools' favor- and spent the next 24 hours having hourly panic attacks and crying. I calmed down, talked to the professor I RA for, and we decided that my reaction was probably due to the stress of making a decision, not the specific decision I made (an assessment I still at least partially agree with). So I officially committed to this school- I still wasn't entirely confident in my decision, and felt a little ball of doubt/dread in my stomach every once and a while, but I figured that was just the normal post-decision blues. Just under three months later, I'm at least as depressed and anxious as I was three months ago, and possibly worse than I've ever been- crying multiple times a day again, having chains of panic attacks every couple of days, and basically scaring the crap out of my parents with my constant freaking out over my growing concerns that I'll be miserable, that I'll be unproductive, that I'll never get a job, that the worse teaching and mentoring opportunities at this school will hurt me in the long run, that my research interests will change and/or otherwise won't fit within the (admittedly fairly narrow) scope of the research being done at this school. I know a lot of this freaking out probably has to do with mental illness instead of the specific school, regardless of whether or not it was the "best" choice. Honestly, I'm afraid both that I made the wrong choice in which program to attend, and more importantly that my mental state is just not healthy enough right now to start graduate school... but I also feel trapped with the decision I made. I want this, to get a PhD and hopefully have an academic career, so badly- even after working very closely for three years with someone currently trying to get tenure, and getting a first hand glimpse of just how hard he has to work and how stressful his life is, I'm still convinced that that's the job and the existence I want. I'm afraid that if I do start and realize I really am at the wrong place, and then try to reapply to the other schools I got into this year, I'll not only waste a year or two of my life but also end up as "damaged goods", without any acceptances and having burned bridges with people at the school I committed to (and possibly people they work with frequently, including one of my former LOR writers). But on the other hand, I'm afraid to back out now for exactly the same reasons- since everyone knows I had multiple admissions offers this year and where I eventually decided to go, I'm afraid I'll end up with the same damaged reputation (maybe even worse than if I attended and tried to transfer later). I suppose one option would be to try and defer... but that doesn't necessarily resolve my fear that I'd be happier and generally do better somewhere else. Part of me feels really bad writing all of this, because the school I chose does NOT deserve this type of fatalistic, panicked reaction- it's a good school, and it either currently houses or has produced multiple scholars I really highly respect and want to try and emulate. If I did make a poor choice, it's just a poor choice for me, not necessarily a poor choice in general (although I am the only person I know of to choose this school over the other two I was seriously considering, which also doesn't help my general state of mind) - the extent of my reaction is pretty irrational, which is part of what's making me so concerned about my own mental health. And which is part of why I'm honestly afraid to approach people I actually know with this problem (even though I recognize it's probably the best course of action). ...rant over.