welp, I'm now a second year grad student and I fucking hate it here. I chose a prestigious program over one closer to home and every day I regret my decision soooo much. I still haven't found a lab. I've done four fucking rotations. The first lab was too big and impersonal, the second lab the PI kind of a jerk (I now regret not sticking with this lab, but it's too late, that lab is full), the third the PI was a micromanaging autist, the fourth? Perfect. But they decided they didn't want a grad student (pretty sure this was a nice way of saying they don't like me). Obviously the common denominator in all of these situations is ME. I didn't a good enough job impressing the last PI i guess. I work my ass off but honestly,... in most of these cases the research is not that interesting to me. even when it is, I don't "ask questions" apparently (a criticism i've heard in the past). To sum it up, the PIs just aren't impressed with me. I have the option to do yet another rotation but just looking at the list of PIs makes me want to throw up. For non school reasons for my misery, my dad was recently diagnosed with very aggressive cancer and doesn't have much time left... In twenty years, am I going to look back on my life and think "gee, i'm so glad I got a phd from a fancy school and didn't spend more time with my father before he died?" fuck no. I live on the opposite side of the country from my family so it's not like I can go home every weekend and see them (unlike 90% of my classmates who don't understand why I'm so sad all the time). It's possible my family shit is affecting my lab performance but I suspect I just suck. I moved here thinking it would be a big adventure but this place is worst in every aspect, which just further compounds everything. When I tried to talk to the program admin staff about my family stuff and what to do if I need to take some time off, they were really weird and unprofessional. I just got weird probing questions and no real response. Again, I fucking hate this place. I'm 99.99999% sure that I don;t want to stay in academia... but if I leave will I be completely fucked over? How will I ever get any kind of job without a letter of recommendation? I assume dropping out of grad school instantly torches every bridge I've worked my ass off to build. It's possible my old PI who I teched for in my gap year would understand If I framed it as a family thing, but he is also super weird and might think I'm ruining his reputation if I drop out after vouching for me. I'll feel shitty leaving this place with nothing to show for it after all my hard work (not to mention leaving a good paying job and spending tons of money just to move here, dedicating the best years of my life to working towards this goal) but I think the sooner I open the next chapter in my life, the better.
