Quail

Worries: I empathize with those who have found difficulty finding something to do with their time. My mind feels as though it has been locked away over the past months, as though the ignition has gone fragile, and the engine won't turn over. I have a couple of perfect GRE sections, and a near-perfect GPA from my Masters. Throughout the day, I will have an involuntary memory of a silly line that I included in this or that statement of purpose, and stifle a little scream from embarrassment. I spent months writing the same two pages, so I don't think that I ever will understand it. I held back at a number of points, because I resented the appearance of a confessional, I think. Ditto for my writing samples. I have long suspected (an odd auto-prophesy hanging over me) that I would arrive at this very moment (taking a year off, applying to PhD) and that good luck would finally end without explanation. The process has made me selfish. Leaving New York, returning to a small un-named town to wait it out has offered life a profound anti-climax (international student btw). I pretend to not exist. I've spent the past eight years intending to study, and also considering that there have been others who have sacrificed a great deal for me to go on doing so, I would be crushed with guilt if I were to stall-out here and now (my family for instance, certainly would blame me, and even, I suspect, enjoy it a little). I could have played the game a little better, learned the politics--though I've begun to think it takes multiple generations to build this kind of aptitude. Haven't heard from any departments yet. Excitement: Admittance would be like taking a steam bath, once and for all.

I considered this. Then thought it would be more direct if I were to travel somewhere like Aokigahara.