[my supervisor led me to the pit of depression]

1 hour ago, Hope.for.the.best said:

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Having problems with supervisor at grad school is more often than you think. So you are not alone, even though you feel that way. I too had a difficult time with my PhD supervisors. Feel free to read my previous posts. 

It sounds like your supervisor does not listen to students' concerns and offer them appropriate support.
It is also bad for her to keep shaming her students for not knowing something. Nobody knows everything. If it is something essential for a student to know but he/she doesn't know, she can simply ask him/her to look that up.
What worry me is that she does not check a manuscript thoroughly and let students send it out (and then blames later if something goes wrong). Don't get me wrong, it is every author's responsibility to ensure the accuracy of a manuscript. However, given she is a supervisor who has more experience and leads the research, she should input more to ensure what goes out is 100% correct and educate students the importance of that. While corrections are allowed for many journals, this does not leave a good impression. In some cases, a published paper has to be retracted for errors. If you are to publish your results, I would suggest that you send your draft to her and all other authors. Even if she hastily "approves" it, you still have others to keep an eye on it. The consequence of a problematic manuscript goes to all authors. 

I may not have the best advice for you to get out of your current situation, other than finishing your write-up and getting your degree. The decision of staying in academia or not can come after that. Have you seen someone for your depression, e.g. doctor and counsellor? This is a very important step for recovery.

Take care. 

Okay, I look for your posts. I have read some already and I find it therapeutic to also read the advice from others. I am also reading a book "You must be very intelligent" about the phd experience of the author.

It is one concern that she doesnt listens but it seems she also don't have enough time. However, she keep accepting students and the chain of command is not smooth. I would rather have a PhD student or postdoc to work with daily and I will just give her updates through email or weekly/bi-weekly meetings.

I initially thought that pushing someone to be aggressive is negative because of cultural differences. And you are right, nobody knows everything and I don't understand why she kept mocking if someone makes a dumb mistake or stupid questions. I can still remember my univ prof back home encouraging us to ask questions, there is no dumb or stupid questions.

And for the previous student I agree that even if she received an email with the manuscript and plans for submission, he should have waited for confirmation. My main concern about that was, that student failed on his thesis defense but luckily was given another chance to defend. However, it was only found out that the stats were wrong when the supervisor thoroughly checked it after he tried to submit it for publication and she gave confirmation to this student's thesis. 

I did email  the international relations representative of the unviersity, if there are any guidance counselors, but did not receive any reply yet. Although I was already with a PhD scholarship, starting month after my expected graduation, I am already thinking of emailing the PI to decline. My experiences here brought me to my lowest point and I am even doubting myself if I really belong here, "big game research". I am thinking of taking a break and focus on my mental health. 

[my supervisor led me to the pit of depression]

20 hours ago, telkanuru said:

For me, a large aspect of my mental health is proactively identifying and addressing the things I can control, even if they're uncomfortable. Graduate school is, at its core, self directed.

A lot of what you've said here sounds like you need to acknowledge your own agency in this situation. Your PI gave you a smaller project to work on as a learning experience before assigning you a larger one, a project which you did not complete because you were unwilling to follow her advice and confront the student monopolizing the lab. You haven't done what she asked, and therefore she has not trusted you with the larger project. Once it became clear you were unable to help yourself in the way she expected of you, she stepped in. That's a reasonable sequence of events. Similarly, submitting an article with data from someone else's lab without their consent is a fairly large faux pas in many fields, and I would not be surprised if this angered the PI.

If you want to get something out of this experience, and if you want to finish the degree, I would suggest that you set get a grasp of the tasks you have in front of you and the precise steps you need to take to complete them. This is not usually an adviser's responsibility, though they may help with the process. 

Good luck.

Yes, I understand that graduate school intends you to develop your research skills and the capability to do personal research. Regarding the main project, she had already given it to the other student even before I started my "small" project. There was no explanation given and I can only think that maybe because this student is staying longer than me. In any case, she should have informed me since it was the project that made me come and work with her. And for the previous student I agree that even if she received an email with the manuscript and plans for submission, he should have waited for confirmation. My main concern about that was, that student failed on his thesis defense but luckily was given another chance to defend. However, it was only found out that the stats were wrong when the supervisor thoroughly checked it after he tried to submit it for publication and she gave confirmation to this student's thesis.

Anyway, I am really trying hard to keep myself motivated (mostly from motivation speeches in youtube). I tried to email last week our university international relations but did not receive any reply. Looking forward when all of this ends, take a vacation and re-think my career path. What puts pressure on me is I receive a PhD scholarship, not the same topic as what I am currently working, but with the current happenings, I am considering to send an email to the PI. I am already doubting myself and I feel I should address my mental health before committing to a 4-yr phd.

[my supervisor led me to the pit of depression]

hello everyone.

I am glad to find this grad school specific forum. I am from a developing country who was lucky to obtain a master's scholarship in one of the developed countries. My project experience with a well-known supervisor led me nowhere but to frustrations and depression. Currently, I am in my last semester and currently doing my project from a research institution not part of the institution partners of my university. Although there was a safety net emplaced, a signed agreement between my coordinator and this research institution, most of the points pointed out by my university were not met. This was how my mental health deteriorates and how I am looking forward to going back home and talk to an expert.

First, months before starting this project I had a video call meeting with my supervisor and agreed on the topic I will be working on. Considering that season is a factor for the main topic, we both agreed to have a small topic to be busy with while waiting for summer. However, when I had arrived it seems it was made clear to me that I will not be working on that main topic and will be focusing on the small topic instead. Which was already a sign for me to inform my university immediately but I did not since I was too confident that this should not take long and when summer comes, I will be doing on the agreed main topic. But setbacks after setbacks, this small topic is still not done.

Second, one of the points in the agreement between this supervisor and my university was there should only be a maximum of two student advisees. In case there was more, she was supposed to assign a co-supervisor (atleast in the final year of PhD). During our video call meeting, I knew that there will also be one master's student and a PhD student who will also be working with him. However, I didn't know that there was more of us (7 ms and several phds) and I realize quickly that I might not be getting the amount of supervision I needed. In the first few weeks, I wanted to finalize the experimental designs for my project and my timeline. I was quickly told, to quote "don't be too serious... we take things easy here... you will have enough time" which I didn't take as a caution.

Third and the one which frustrated me the most, there was no proper introduction of the people in the research group. No introductions, no meetings, nothing. We have a small laboratory for our experiments and the other student was able to set up ahead of me. I initially propose to do field work first while someone is still using our lab but he insisted that i should work on my lab experiment first which i eventually agreed. In an email, I and the other student was told to share the lab but this was not followed. I updated her regularly that I am not able to conduct my own experiments considering she approved a big experimental design for the other student, which takes half of my space. She ignored all my updates and grew frustrated. After almost two months and she didn't receive any data from me, she asked what was wrong and I reminded her of my previous updates. And even I told the other student, she has to share the space she is agressive claiming that our adviser knows she has a big experimental design. this adviser kept pushing me to fight and be aggressive to the other student for my right to conduct an experiment, which i can't really take. she knows the problem months ago and she did nothing. After two months, she met me and the other student and settled the problem. If she could have just done this earlier life could have been easier.

Lastly, during our meetings she constantly mocks the other students who made a mistake and i quote "i can't comprehend why this student does not know about this considering he is a master level". It left me wondering, it is very likely she is also doing this to me. Her previous student also complained as she approves without bothering to thoroughly check the manuscript. This student submitted to a reputable journal without her consent and she had gone mad, she checked the stats and find wrong analysis and interpretation.

These experiences especially the lack of interest and support on my project led me to depression. Now, I am writing my manuscript and hoping my university will still consider this. Although i know that this is not the quality i expected. This also discourages me in pursuing academia. If she is uninterested with my topic, then she should have told me earlier. If she does not have time, then she should have assigned me to one of her phd students or postdocs. Fighting depression while writing is very hard especially when you try to open up your problem and they can not understand your mental health condition.

Did you encounter problems with your supervisor? How did you deal with it and did it affect your mental health? Laslty, how did you recover from it?