Swello

Did I choose the wrong grad school? Hi all, I recently applied to MFA programs in art and film. I applied last year and decided not to go. Now when I graduate I will be almost 30. I got into all the schools I applied to this year, which felt good at first, including Cranbrook, Stanford film, and U Michigan, all of which are highly ranked schools in art and overall. However, I have always had this dream to live in Hawaii, my art centers around the ocean and as a mixed race person I have always felt at home there. U Hawaii at Manoa also has an MFA program, which has very interesting professors, but no reputation to speak of. After almost a year or agonizing— should I just spend a measly 2 years getting the best art education available to me, and then plan to move to Hawaii? Or should I do the radical, risky move and go to Hawaii for my art education, which could help establish me there, and let me live in a place I’ve always idealized? (A side note is that my parents, especially my Chinese immigrant mom, REALLY pushed Stanford. They were so exited I got in and pressured me hard core to go. Unfortunately I was raised more white than Asian and I have historically resisted when my parents try to force me into anything.) So I agonized and felt sick and I had to decide this all in the context of the pandemic. Ultimately I chose Hawaii. I thought it was admirable to not choose based on prestige, to follow my dreams, to take a risk. However, ever since then I have been wracked with guilt and shame. I turned down Stanford to go to a no name school? Will I regret this for the rest of my life, as my mom threatened? There were many factors at play of course, too many to list here. Hawaii actually gave me a great funding package, but the other schools were competitive too. I am wondering if you all, perfect strangers, think I made the wrong choice. I have been feeling so low about this that sometimes I even start idealizing hurting or even killing myself. I won’t, I’m just alarmed by the extremity of my reaction to a situation that should be good: I got into all schools and deeply deeply want to go to art school. Anyway, any thoughts helpful, I haven’t been able to tell my family or friends or partner how bad I’ve been feeling, because when I do I feel ashamed and privileged. Thanks all.