sometimes.maybe

The facts are these. * I am in a very PhD good program. This is the program I really wanted to be in, and now that I'm here I feel guilty for even considering even for a moment not completing my phd here. It's full of smart and very nice people (students faculty and staff alike), the building is great, the city is great, classes are great, seminars are great. It has many deep ties to the industry, and it's a really respected institution. Basically, it's not like I don't have to do any work to succeed, but this place and people put me in a position to succeed as much as possible. * I am a first year in this program. I was an undergrad before this at a small liberal arts place. I miss it more than I have ever missed a place in my entire life, but I don't think I'll ever return. * I have severe doubts that the nature of academia is something that is good *for me*. I think the publication process has problems and institutions have problems, and that working against these problems will mean working against myself, which won't help me in the long run. * My spouse (let's call them "S") also attends this school (different department.) S's department is not as well-funded as mine, and the building is much crappier, but in many ways it is still a very good place for S to be. * We both get paid. It's not much, but it's two of us. I have no student loans to pay off, we don't have any cars or children or pets to care for, and we don't eat out often. We are living very comfortably right now in an good apartment filled with all the crap we want. As you can see, my life is pretty great. At the very least, I certainly feel like whenever I complain, it's silly and superficial because my life it great and I shouldn't complain. Except that academia is one of those things people probably shouldn't see as 9 to 5 drudgery, and I feel like I can't get away from that, because... I want to make stuff! I don't want to write academic paper, I want to create. I want to build cool new software (I'm in a computer science program) and I want to create art (think: jewelry, clothes - cool stuff I might make money off of, but not exactly reliably lucrative endeavors). I want to sit around and sketch and think and do all those things I'd do as an academic except actually make things and not just publish about how cool this or that improvement would be. And I do this, to some extent, in all my "free time." Of course, I have ceased to program recreationally because I program so much for work. So.... Should I take a year off from my phd program to explore what I can do on my own? Cons I can think of: * I don't know how to go about this, but once I tart asking questions I suspect it'll be hard to convince people I will have talked to that I'm happy or satisfied in the department. * I'm afraid what taking the year off, or even asking about it, will do to people's perceptions of me, and, therefore, the letters they write for me. * I will probably not earn any money, and will likely lose more than a little. Our comfortable lifestyle won't be so comfortable. * If I do take the year off, I will cause financial difficulties and quite likely unnecessary barriers to my own career. * Now's not the best of times to try selling stuff people don't need as a full-time job. Disregarding this fact could be heart-breaking. * If I just continue for a few more years I'll get a masters. Maybe I should wait until after I have a masters, so if I decide to quit forever after taking a year off I will at least get some kind of permanent benefit from it. Pros I can think of: * Gosh, I love to program. I feel like if during that year I come up with cool software I might even get back with lots of ideas for studies and publishable work. It could help my career in unique ways that institutional barrier are preventing now. More importantly, it could be a great morale boost and a way to recharge and regain confidence in academic work. * If I decide doing my own thing actually is not financially horrible, it would be great to know this sooner rather than later. * If I decide to drop out, S and I will never have to deal with the 2-body problem again! My body will be home-bound. S will have a better chance at having good job after we get out. * If even for a single year, S and I will be healthier! We won't eat frozen pizza 50% of all dinners just because it's delicious and quick. I will be able to cook delicious things that take time. * S bearing the money burden isn't so bad since we don't intend to have children. I've known people try - and succeed - at supporting a single working parent family on postdoc money. Opinions? Cons/pros I haven't thought of? Related personal experiences? Please help me wade though this decision. Thank you! -T Edit: sorry for spelling errors. I'll try to edit them out but as you can imagine this is very emotional, and emotional forum posts written quickly = spelltown disasterville!