If life were perfect, here is how it would (or rather should) play out for waiting grad applicants:
1. Thunderous applause on joining any internet forum related to applications
Whenever a new user wonderfully announces themselves that they have been lurking a long time and just now mustered up the courage to join and post something. They should be given standing ovation. A bouquet of flowers should be promptly dispatched along with a box of chocolates. A reminder pamphlet on how to "Not Seek Comfort in Food and Chocolates while you wait" should be supplied too.
2. Intelligent Application Systems
With so many working in the field of machine learning and artificial intelligence (including this author), it should be so not difficult to provide instantaneous chances on the application forms. You just put in your GPA, GRE, Undergrad grades, Grad grades, and the system should give you your chances instantaneously. Responses could range from "What the heck are you thinking applying to this school?" to "Congratulations you golden child you" or even "You are the ring bearer, the chosen one. The prophecy is fulfilled. Gandalf will be with you shortly" (the last one might be very appropriate for Yale).
What do I hear? -- What about SOPs and LORs? Well, for all the candidates the hefty application fee should be used to send them an embossed copy of their SOP via mail. In case, an applicant is rejected due to an LOR, the name of the recommender should be printed in big black letters and given back to the applicant with the title - "He/She is the one who destroyed your dreams --" (Bonus points, if the application system even puts in the recommender's address and office hours.
3. Free Psychological Counseling at Applied Schools
To cope with waiting, all candidates should be referred to school's doctors (or even students pretending to doctors) -- the applicants feel they get therapy and the school can secretly use this as a tool to weed out the sociopaths (You know them - the kind who lurk around in the University Library toilet just a bit longer than necessary! -- I mean they are losing valuable school time which could otherwise be spent on research!!)
4. Student Carolling Season For Professors
January/February should be declared by universities as official carolling season. Groups of graduate students/applicants should sing in front of every admission committee professor's office, classics such as: "Don't forget you were once a grad student.. Fa La La La..la la la. Read the application carefully... Fa La La La..la la la." "I am dreaming of full funding... with summer support to boot".
5. Empathetic Rejection Letters
If the school is rejecting the applicant, then the school should make it amply clear how much they regret that decision. Statements like these can be helpful -- "You were forever and ever our first choice. We even had dreams about reading your application. Unfortunately the other candidate had to be admitted because they are connected to the mafia and holding our families ransom. We appeal to your benevolent nature to forgive us this time." or "OMG, the other suckers on this committee soo totally voted me out. I quit the adcom meeting over you and I am even leaving the university to come and work with you. Don't worry we'll manage something together. It is their loss after all. Your Best Bud xoxoxo POI"
Think of any others? Just add them on.
(BTW, I am just another nervously waiting grad applicant like everyone else over here. Sadly, not one experience sets me apart from anyone else in this forum - but hey at least we can all have a good laugh about it? :-))
