ossia

I truly appreciate your thoughtful reply, newms. You're right, I should seek counseling again or at the very least, speak to the program director. It's something I was hoping to avoid, but it's too debilitating at this point. As for the projects, I'm thinking of starting from scratch. I'd rather go back to what interested me in my program to begin with and see if there's something to build on from there. Thanks again for your kindness and consideration. os

Dear Friends, Although I have another account on TGC, I've decided to post under a different handle for privacy reasons. Some pertinent info: I am a survivor of sustained childhood and physical abuse at the hands of a family member up until the beginning of undergrad (I should add that this has also led to a fear of abandonment from other family members that were unwilling or unable to help). I have undergone counselling with psychologists at my alma mater, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Although transferring schools for Masters has been stressful (as it is for most students!), I have thrived from a stimulating academic and collegial environment, and importantly, being far removed from the hands of my abuser. The department has been so encouraging, that I applied and was accepted for doctoral studies last year under my wonderfully inspiring Masters advisor. I haven't told anyone in my department about my situation with the exception of my program director, including my advisor. My reasons for not doing so are personal, but mainly stem from the fact that I don't want to feel pitied, nor treated differently because of familial circumstances. Up until now, I've been able to reasonably cope with the stresses of grad life (unpleasant as it gets at times), but a new series of events has left me an emotional basket-case. While completing coursework, my doctoral cohort and I were given several exercises to help us formulate theses projects (my program is in the social sciences for reference). As a result, I came up with two projects that were feasible, interesting and well regarded by our seminar leader. One was situated in the subfield of my Masters, but a new approach with minimal overlap. The other was in a drastically different subfield of interest, but one that I have little to no background knowledge of. Excited to have two potential projects, I shared them with my advisor in order to ask her opinion as they both broadly speak to her fields of interest. While she liked both, she stressed that I should strongly consider the second topic in order to broaden my field of expertise. And then she dropped a bombshell. She suggested that I ask two other faculty members if they would consider taking on the second project as advisor instead. I understand her concern, as she is a relatively young professor who is only a couple of years into her own research on a complementary topic. On speaking with the other professors as she suggested, both expressed interest, but wanted me to drastically change the theoretical framework away from where my interests lie. Expressing my discomfort with these directions, the professors suggested that they would like to be on my committee, but not as advisor. When I expressed to my Masters advisor that I'd rather switch to the first topic (the one related to my Masters work), she thought it would be doing me a great disservice. At this point, I'm currently without a doctoral advisor, and now resent even pitching the second project in the first place. My frustration is that while I *do* understand my Masters advisor's concerns as to why she does not feel suited to this new project and I respect her decision as well as the other professors, a crushing feeling of dread has been hanging over everything I do. I fear that I ruined opportunities with three wonderful professors. I know this stems from both anxiety and PTSD. I can't stop choking up and tearing in public, at school, or even at home alone. I can barely eat and am now getting less sleep than normal (which was was bad enough before). I can't concentrate and now dread going to my shared office in the department for fear that someone will ask what's the matter and that I'll break down into tears. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I don't know what else I can do... the few people I have talked to about this have been supportive, but this funk has taken over my life. os