Please critique my analytical writing!

[ghong]

Hello everyone! This is my second time preparing for GRE. I scored above the 90th percentile last year, which I was really surprised with because I am not an native english speaker. It's been so long since I did analytical writing so I am really worried. That's why I need all the help I can get! So if you have time, please take a look at my writing and let me know what you think. Thanks!!!

 

ISSUE

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

In a society where higher education became an entrance to a better life, the students are in need of different kinds of system, which can help them become a beneficial member of the society. Merely giving them a degree or certification is not enough for the students and it should not be the purpose of higher education; therefore, the academic institutions need to do more to help its students to get the best out of their time and money that they invested in their higher education. One of the ways of doing so will be requiring every student to take a variety of courses outside of the their field of study, because it will give them a chance to find the right major for them, better prepare them for the society, and help them to become a valuable and knowledged profession within their field. Adopting this recommendation will provide many benefits that we are unaware of. 
First and foremost, universities should require every students to take a variety of courses outside of the student's field of study, because it gives them a chance to find out what kind of study fits the best for them. The students who come to college at a very young age rarely confidently know what they love doing; this is because they are pressured and rushed to choose their field of study, without being able to explore everything that is available for them. It is important to help them know that it is never too late to change their field of study, but it is more important to help them find out what kind of studies are available for them to change to. In order to do this, universities should require their students to take courses outside their field, so that they are encouraged learn about the things that they were never interested in before. Being required to take courses outside of their field will help students to realize what is available for them when they are unsatisfied with their major; as a result, this will decrease the college dropout rate, because instead of quitting, they are encouraged to change their major for the better. 
Moreover, taking courses outside of their field of study will better prepare them for adulthood upon graduating. The real world they have been prepared for throughout college, is much more than what their major taught them; it requires them to understand diverse society which consists of many different kinds of people. Often times, only knowing about their field of study can actually deteriorate their career; for example, without learning how other people live, communicate, and interact, a business major would struggle to perform his task when dealing with international companies. If the business major would have taken sociology and communication courses, the difficulties he faced would be easier to overcome, or it would not been a difficulty for him from the first place. Therefore, though taking humanities courses as a business major would seem unnecessary and waste of his tuition and time, it brings benefit and preparation for things he was unaware of. 
Though taking courses outside of the student's field of study can seem waste of time and money, it is saving time and money for those who end up disliking the field they chose when they first entered college; moreover, not allowing them to explore and find the right field of study will be wasting a valuable and knowledged member of the society. If universities don't give its students the option to explore and know what other studies are available for them, students will simply give up their higher education without knowing that there is a study that fits their interest. At the end, the student have wasted their tuition and time they spent because they are walking out of college without the degree they worked for. If the student was able to become aware of many different kinds of study that's available for them and was able to find the right major, one would have been able to become someone who can benefit the nation and the society within their field. 
The higher education is so valued that it is almost a free pass to a better career; therefore, students in higher education spend so much time and effort, as well as money, in earning their degree. To help young students to make the best out of their degree and help them become the person they imagine to become, the universities need to create systems to give them the best education that they need. Therefore, requiring every student to take variety of courses outside of their field of study is necessary, as it will bring great amount of benefit for not only the students but for the society, as well.

 

ARGUMENT

The following appeared in a memo from the new vice president of Sartorian, a company that manufactures men's clothing.

"Five years ago, at a time when we had difficulties in obtaining reliable supplies of high quality wool fabric, we discontinued production of our alpaca overcoat. Now that we have a new fabric supplier, we should resume production. This coat should sell very well: since we have not offered an alpaca overcoat for five years and since our major competitor no longer makes an alpaca overcoat, there will be pent-up customer demand. Also, since the price of most types of clothing has increased in each of the past five years, customers should be willing to pay significantly higher prices for alpaca overcoats than they did five years ago, and our company profits will increase."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

Although the vice president's arguments are understandable, there are blind spots he failed to address. The new vice president is excited for the return of their alpaca overcoat; however, his excitement blinded him from making objective and logical thoughts about the company's new production. First, he failed to acknowledge the imporance of the quality of the alpaca overcoat; second, he did not pay attention to the changes that may happened in the fashion industry within five years; and lastly, he is insensitive of the fashion market in general, in terms of who is willing to pay how much for what kinds of item. Without deeper and wider consideration of the history of the fashion industry and Sartorian, the vice president's arguement is overall very weak and unsupported.
The vice president of Sartorian argued that alpaca overcoat requires relable suppiles of high quality wool fabric, which means that the production cost requires great amount of money; therefore, it requires the company to sell the coat at a higher price in order to make profit. Or, another route is to see if the new fabric supplier will be able to give them the supplies at a reasonable. However, even if the new supplier is willing to negotiate the cost, it is important to examine whether the quality of the fabric is as great as the company they used five years ago. Even if the cost is cheap, if the quality isn't the same, buyers will be hesitant to purchase the alpaca overcoat and the fashion market would not be excited for their return. To be able to bring back the overcoate they inevitably discontinued means that there was a significant change in the product; because the reason for their discontinuation was due to the inability to obtain high quality supplies, to be able to bring them back means the quality had decreased; even if not, it is only fair for people to assume that. In order to get people interested about their overcoat's comeback and to bring back the popularity of their product, they not only have to have the high quality product but also needs to show that they do. 
The new vice president argues that the alpaca overcoat will sell very well since it wasn't being sold by the company for five years. However, without evaluating the changes in the fashion realm and customer preferences, this argument is very weak. In the fashion world where popularity and trend changes quickly and significantly, five years is a long time and it is safe to assume that people's palate have went through several significant changes during the five year span. To make his argument more strong, he also argued that their major competitor no longer makes an alpaca overcoat, thus his company's alpaca coat will be sold very well. Though not having a major competitor could make Sartorian stand out and allow them to target a good amount of buyers, losing a competitor could also mean something else. Therefore, he should examine why his company's competitor decided to discontinue their alpaca coat production, as it may be due to the changes in the fashion realm. If their competitor failed to grab its buyers' attention and ended up discontinuing their alpaca overcoat production, there is no reason why Sartorian should take the same path and fail the way their competitor did. 
Moreover, the vice president also mentioned that the price of most types of clothing has increased in each of the past five years, which could lead the customers to be more willing to pay higher prices for alpaca overcoat than they did before. If the alpaca coat will be sold at higher prices, which was popular five years ago, people will not be willing to buy the alpaca overcoat; instead, they will be more willing to buy something that is currently popular. The vice president needs to evaluate the current trend, to see what kind of clothing and material are popular at what price. If the customers are not interested in materials such as alpaca wool fabric, then selling it at higher price than before will not catch their attention. 
Without acknowledging the quality of their item and the price that can accompany the quality, the five year time span which carries many changes in the fashion industry, and the targeted population and the trend, the vice president's arguments are weak and unsupported. Though he is a new vice president who could be unaware of the company's history and the fashion industry, as a vice president, he should consider all the possibilities and factors that could lead to both success and failure.