Please help with SOP review

[Lola]

Hello Guys,

Please help a spanish lady get admitted. Everything else about my applicatin looks good (4.0 GPA, solid rec letters etc)

My SOP needs a lot of help as English is a second language for me. Please review and be as frank as possible with suggestions.

My passion to understand the causative factors influencing adverse health outcomes and to translate these findings into practical solutions has influenced my decision to pursue the PhD program in epidemiology. My general area of interest is in the social and physical environment and how they influence population health. I plan to pursue research questions that examine the unique characteristics of communities and neighborhoods that renders and sustain them to vulnerabilities and disparities in health.

Growing up in a rural community in South America where the only health center was 3 hours away, preventive care was non-existence. Acute ailments often turned fatal in my community while neighboring communities with healthcare access thrived. My understanding of healthcare access being the sole determinant of health disparities changed quickly when my family moved to Newark NJ. Despite superior healthcare system and an impressive health education targeting behavior change and policy, disparities in health persist in this area. This observation heightened my interest in public health research as a future career choice.

My undergraduate education in Biochemistry provided many opportunities to hone my research and teaching skills. During my junior and senior years, I was appointed as a teaching/laboratory assistant tasked with overseeing laboratory exercise for freshman, sophomore and nursing students in genetics. The responsibility of lab preparation and teaching although challenging, served as a good foundation for my position as a research associate at the X medical college where I worked on cancer cells before deciding to return to South America as a healthcare volunteer.

Over the course of three years, I worked in my community along with the local government and non-profiting organization in program planning and evaluation addressing infectious and chronic diseases. Specifically, I provided HIV and sexual risk behavior interventions to young adults. In addition, I worked closely with Care Inc in securing grants from WHO and other NGO to fund the visiting nurse program. This program ensured that pregnant women and infants receive the needed healthcare at no cost and in their communities. It was during this experience that I realized that in order to pursue a career using sound science to affect care and policy, I needed an advance degree in public health.

Through my MPH studies, I gained substantive quantitative and qualitative research skills through biostatic course and research methodology. In my first year, I designed, administered and analyzed a study to identify the major factor affecting consumers in purchasing healthy foods at the grocery stores within my community. This study was accepted for presentation at a national conference. In addition, during my MPH capstone phase, I was at my local community clinic where I worked closely with the Hispanic population. Through focus groups and personal interviews, I was able to captures the health needs of this vulnerable population and how the clinic could expand its outreach.

I am positive that the education offered at XYZ coupled with research opportunities with professors will adequately prepare me for a career in public health research and practice. In addition, I contacted Dr John whose research mirrors mine for opportunity to study under him to which he responded favorably.

I believe my work experience and academic preparation put me in a better position to purse the PhD program in epidemiology. Improving population health is becoming even more critical to the success and stability of societies. I look forward to joining the department to develop the skills needed to ask significant public health questions to advance population health.

[Postbib Yeshuist]

Growing up in a rural community in South America where the only health center was 3 hours away, preventive care was non-existent. Acute ailments often turned fatal in my community while neighboring communities with healthcare access thrived. My understanding of healthcare access being the sole determinant of health disparities changed quickly when my family moved to Newark NJ. Despite a superior healthcare system and an impressive health education targeting behavior change and policy, disparities in health persist in this area. This observation heightened my interest in public health research as a future career choice.

I'm on the way out the door, but I noticed the above mistakes (in red) after a quick reading of the second paragraph. Sounds good so far, though.

Edited March 30, 2010 by Postbib Yeshuist

[Lola]

I'm on the way out the door, but I noticed the above mistakes (in red) after a quick reading of the second paragraph. Sounds good so far, though.

Thanks for taking a look, I will make corrections.

[Lola]

Feedback....anyone????

[skiergirl24]

My passion to understand the causative factors influencing adverse health outcomes and to translate these findings into practical solutions has influenced my decision to pursue the PhD program in epidemiology. My general area of interest is in the social and physical environment and how they influence population health. I plan to pursue research questions that (I always get confused between that and which - so double check) examine the unique characteristics of communities and neighborhoods that render them vulnerable and sustain disparities in health and well-being.

Growing up in a rural community in South America, where the only health center was 3 hours away, preventive care was non existent. Acute ailments often turned fatal in my community, while neighboring communities with healthcare access thrived. My understanding of healthcare access being the sole determinant of health disparities changed quickly when my family moved to Newark NJ. Despite superior healthcare system, and an impressive health education targeting behavior change and policy, disparities in health persist in this area. This observation heightened my interest in public health research as a future career choice.

My undergraduate education in Biochemistry provided me with many opportunities to hone my research and teaching skills. During my junior and senior years, I was appointed as a teaching/laboratory assistant in charge of overseeing laboratory exercise for freshman, sophomore and nursing students in genetics. The responsibility of lab preparation and teaching, although challenging, served as a good foundation for my position as a research associate at the X medical college where I worked on cancer cells before deciding to return to South America as a healthcare volunteer.

Over the course of three years, I worked in my community along with the local government and non-profit organizations in not only evaluating and addressing infectious and chronic diseases, but also developing solutions to these problems. Specifically, I provided HIV and sexual risk behavior intervention programs to young adults. In addition, I worked closely with Care Inc. (you might want to explain what Care Inc. is) in securing grants from WHO and other NGO to fund the visiting nurse program. This program ensures that pregnant women and infants receive the needed healthcare at no cost and in their communities. It was during this experience that I realized that in order to pursue a career using sound science to affect care and policy, I needed an advanced degree in public health.

Through my MPH studies I gained substantive quantitative and qualitative research skills through biostatic course and research methodology. In my first year, I designed, administered and analyzed a study to identify the major factors affecting consumers in purchasing healthy foods at the grocery stores within my community. This study was accepted for presentation at a national conference. In addition, during my MPH capstone phase, I worked closely with the Hispanic population at my local clinic. Through focus groups and personal interviews, I was able to capture the health needs of this vulnerable population, and ascertain how the clinic could expand its outreach.

I am positive that the education offered at XYZ coupled with research opportunities with professors will adequately prepare me for a career in public health research and practice. In addition, I contacted Dr. John, whose research mirrors mine, for the opportunity to study under him to which he responded favorably. <----Maybe reword the last part.

I believe my work experience and academic preparation puts me in a better position to pursue the PhD program in epidemiology. Improving population health is becoming even more critical to the success and stability of societies. I look forward to joining the department to develop the skills needed to ask significant public health questions to advance population health.

I underlined the changed I made. Overall this looks good!

Edited March 31, 2010 by skiergirl24

[skiergirl24]

I also added a few commas.

[Lola]

I also added a few commas.

Thanks for the review, I like the changes you've made. I'm rewriting the first 2 lines of the first paragraph, I don't think it reads well.

My statement is shaping up!. Thanks everyone. more feedback please.

[ed_psy]

I was told by a professor before, not to use the word "passion" in the SoP.