Dream and Reality

[reimaginethis]

So I've been accepted to my dream Ph.D. program (fully funded) and already have been invited to join a top-notch research team. I'm thrilled but nervous.

I'm in my mid-30s, am married, have a child in school, and have a huge debt burden. I'm worried about my child having to leave his school and friends. I'm worried that I'm too old and won't relate to other students. I'm worried that I'll fail miserably. I'm worried about sacrificing my salary for an assistantship that's worth only a third as much -- though I know we can make it on that and my spouse's income.

But it's what I've always wanted to do. It has taken me a while to get there, but I always wanted to get there. Spouse is on board.

I've been given a ton of advice by people around me -- great people -- and I respect their opinions. But none of those people are in my shoes -- or even close to being in my shoes. So to those of you who've been around the block and who are facing nerves and moving your family, what's your opinion? Advice?

Thanks.

Edited March 31, 2010 by reimaginethis

[blankslate]

You're still young. Go and live your dream. Have no regrets. At the end of the day, you will know that you went for it, and while your concerns aren't petty, in the face of following your dream you will find a way to get past obstacles. You've come this far, don't stop now.

[so47]

Live your dream! Your spouse is supportive, which is awesome. And speaking as a military brat who moved a lot due to my dad's job, I think it was good for me and actually helps you in the long run. Kids bounce back, make friends, don't worry about that. Yeah they might whine when they first leave their friends and are scared to start school, but I think that making new friendships and being adaptable are important life skills, and it made it easier for me down the road (e.g. going away to college).

And yeah it will be tough adjusting to a lower salary, but worth it in the end after you get the PhD. And I think we all worry about failing! I'm worried that my school puts so much faith in me and what if I don't match up? But, I think these schools know what they're doing, and only accept people they know can make it.

And I don't think you're anywhere near to old! I met plenty of people with families who came back to school after working for years. And even the people who went straight to grad school, I think the common experience will help you bond more than age.

Chin up, it'll all work out. I know it's hard to force yourself not to worry about things, because I am also the type of person who always finds something to stress over. But take a few minutes and bask in your success! You got what you have been working for for years, and don't forget that!

[clou99]

There are people who do this as single parents, much older than you and surviving on just a stipend/TAship without any other income. So put your fears aside, you got in. You are good enough and hey, you have a lot to teach those young'ns.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Go for it.

A kid's perspective: My father did a stint overseas when I was in elementary school--I loved it. Later he did this again when I was in high school. This time, I thought my life was going to end--I couldn't leave my friends for a year, it would kill me! But it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life (up to then, anyway).

If you've worked out income issues and your spouse is on board, I can't see what is really holding you back. Go on, you'll have a great time! I am, anyway...

[sciencegal]

My input on moving as a kid: I went to three different elementary schools and two different high schools. It all worked out, and in hindsight made me much more independent and confident as I wasn't trying to keep the same group of friends even if we'd grown apart. By the time I was 16 and starting at a new high school 3,000 miles from my 1st, I was so self-assured I could just be myself and make friends that truly shared my interests. It was also great prep for college -- no pretending to try to fit in. I was a little bit of an outsider in college but I owned it instead of hiding it.

My input on "older" grad students: I went straight through and started my program at ~21. My now best friend was in her late 30s and she started the same year as me. Another good friend was close to 50 when she started. The age ranges in our program are varied and the way people make friends is based often on interests and less on age. There is a group that likes to go out to bars, a group that has young kids, a group that likes running, etc (and there is of course cross-over). I'm sure this all varies by program but there is certainly no "ageism" in our program that I'm aware of via my experiences and what my friends have shared with me.

Go for it and good luck!!

[Postbib Yeshuist]

Go for it. And if it'll help you any, I'll share my situation...

I'm 36 and a full time high school teacher (which, in TX, means I actually do fairly well ($55k/yr)). I have an 18 month-old son and my wife is staying home with him as she tries to decide if she wants to continue her career (chaplaincy) or go in a new direction. I just accepted a PhD offer that pays full tuition + $16k/year (so a 2/3 paycut like you). Last night, my wife says "I might be pregnant" and then verifies it with a pee test this morning. How's that for worry? LOL! But you know what? A PhD is my dream and, by God, I'm going to at least give it a try. If I wind up having to drop out, I can at least say I tried.

So perhaps Nike has a word for both of us in our respective situations: "Just Do It."

[reimaginethis]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I'm going to do it. Spouse doesn't quite understand why I seek advice/guidance from strangers on the internet instead of taking advice from close friends and family. I explained to her last night: I need words from people who've been there, done that, and no matter how much I love and appreciate the people around me, none of them have been in my shoes.

Again, thanks. You guys are great.

Edited April 1, 2010 by reimaginethis

[Sassytune]

Good for you! Go for it!