Recovering reputation and choosing a lab- PhD program

[SmileScience]

Hi everyone, 

My background is in biomedical sciences. Almost 2 years of research and an independent project in bioinformatics. I applied to a very prestigious PhD program in 2019. Although I was not accepted after the interviews, I had the chance to meet world renowned neuroscientist. To my surprise, I received a call that I would be able to rotate in the lab I wanted to be part of since before the interviews! I did rotate but I showed a lot of anxiety after week 4 since my advisor was not present, the lab was mostly post-docs who were very fast-pace and busy all the time and I did not have any background in the techniques they used the most. Also, I did not know his expectations despite of asking to those working with me. 

In the middle of my rotation, I asked the advisor I wanted to stay. He asked for data so I felt better because I had a more consistent idea of what his expectations were. I was given 2 weeks to do so with 2 completely new projects because the previous one failed. Of course, despite I got the data, my analysis was poor. I had high levels of anxiety because I wanted to belong  and I felt I was not good enough and therefore I thought I had to do impressive work but it seems like I just had to be me and nice and show the passion I had for the field. I noticed how the attitude of the post-docs towards me suddenly changed. I even asked for a second chance and the answer was no. 

I found another lab with funding, high publication rate, relatively new but with promising evidence of growth, and with a nice PhD student. I met the advisor and I liked him and he liked me too. However, he asked to do a full semester, which I was afraid to do because of my previous experience (you only have 2 semesters to rotate and find a lab). By receiving poor advising and a confusion of interests since I want to include some engineering and programming in my research, I turned this opportunity down. Then, I noticed I did wrong, so I emailed him asking for half-semester rotation. The answer was no and the program gave me a deadline to receive a list of advisors I would rotate with. I selected another advisor who happened to be close to this one. 

When the rotation date was approaching, I discussed with other PhD students who encouraged me to fight for the lab I was interested in so I sent an email. Really bad decision since it costed me my other rotation of the potential lab. The lab I am now does not work for me at all and I have been interviewing with multiple faculty in the same institute who keep saying no for one reason or the other. I talked to the program advisor to see if I was a red flag in the program but the answer was the everything is fine it is just because the next cycle for new students is approaching.

I am still working on it and waiting to hear back from other advisors. I should continue the project for this rotation but I have lack of motivation.  I just have a couple weeks to find the lab and I do not want to rotate anymore. I was thinking to go to that advisor again and apologize for any misunderstandings in person (I already did it by email). However, I do not if this will help me or affect me more. 

I am looking into other programs but I am an international student and the deadlines for this year Fall 2020 already passed. I appreciate your advice.