Evaluate my Argument Essay?

[coffeeman123]

I used the Scoreitnow and it gave me a 5, but I thought that it may have been high considering how I felt I did on the essay. Also, it has given me a 5 every time so I am now sure if it is just that I am outsmarting the computer or what. This one, for example, has no conclusion or polishing because I ran out of time. Please let me know your honest opinion of what grade you think this would warrant for the GRE. 

 

Prompt: "During the past year Alta Manufacturing had a 30% more accidents than nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter. Experts believe that sleep deprivation is a significant factor contributing towards the number of accidents. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents , we recommend shortening each one of our three work shifts by one hour. If we do this, our employees will get adequate amounts of sleep."

 

While many employees would be thrilled by the prospect of working fewer hours, especially if pay is kept constant, shortening the work day may not provide the greatest benefit for a reduction in accidents. Many confounding factors outside the scope of the memo may be affecting the results of the the accident statistics. No mention is made of whether or not a comparable amount of employees work a second job, if childcare is provided, if personal protective equipment is supplied by Panoply and more. Thus, this argument rests on many false assumptions and obscures the proper way of reducing accidents by attributing the variation in accidents to a single factor.

To start, the employers should collect information regarding how individuals spend their time after work. If many employees are working a second job, shortening the hours worked would likely not help to meaningfully reduce the number of accidents since these employees spend more time at another job anyway. Furthermore, Alta Manufacturing would need to determine if this reduction in hours would accompany a reduction in salary. If it did result in lower wages, this may then cause individuals who had previously exclusively worked at ALTA MANUFACTURING to now take on a second job. In doing so, they would likely be more sleep deprived and it could possibly cause even more accidents. Furthermore, struggles related to childcare may also be impacting sleep deprivation. If employees must drive their children 30 minutes away from the home to drop them off at day care, and then drive another 30 minutes to the factory, that is an extra hour out of their day just spent on childcare. Therefore, if Alta Manufacturing were to provide childcare, they might be able to keep production constant and still reduce the number of accidents at work. Moreover, by just reducing the work week, there is no guarantee that the employees will spend the extra time sleeping. As stated previously, some employees may have a second job, or may need to undertake one if this decrease in the work week corresponds with a reduction pay. Many employees may simply devote more time to their hobbies, or spending additional time with their children.



Consulting with Panoply Industries may also bring innumerable benefits and provide invaluable information to the executives at Alta Manufacturing. It seems as if the executives have gleaned only one difference between their company and their competitor, the shorter shifts, but they could be missing plenty of pertinent information. For example, perhaps Panolopy is a drug and tobacco free workplace while Alta is indifferent to drug or nicotine use. While Alta employees may get cravings for nicotine during their shift, which may cause them to be distracted and therefore more likely to commit a mistake, Panoply employees would not have such a problem. Furthermore, the memo speaks nothing of whether or not Panoply employees receive more breaks, or whether they wear additional personal protective equipment. Additionally, the memo does not state whether Panoply employees work three shifts like Alta Manufacturing's employees do. The executives should look over the records to determine which shift had the most frequent accidents, and then compare it against Panoply to determine how much their numbers truly vary by shift. It could be that Panoply in fact does not even have a night shift and thus none of its employees must stay awake the whole night. Nevertheless, it would be out of turn to suggest any course of action based on another businesses' practices without knowing all the possible confounding factors that could be influencing the accident rate.



Additionally, the memo does not state whether Panoply employees work three shifts like Alta Manufacturing's employees do. The executives should look over the records to determine which shift had the most frequent accidents to gain a better understanding of how various shift times can influence accident rates. For instance, if the executives find that nearly half of all accidents occur during third shift, a more effective way to reduce accidents would be to eliminate third-shift or provide things to keep the employees awake such as energy drinks or coffee. After this data has been collected, the executives should then compare it against the shift accident statistics from Panoply. If Panoply does not run a third shift, and the above figure is correct, then Alta Manufacturing would actually have lower levels of accidents when compared with Panoply