Wanted that TAship then - don't want it now

[Ruprecht The Monkey Boys]

I've pretty much made up my mind about this but would like some other viewpoints. This is the situation:

I applied for PhDs at a low point in my life when I was unemployed and rather hating life. I actually moved to another country in March and was looking at universities there when I unexpectedly got a TAship in my home country. I had only been in Awesome Foreign Country for a week when I got the offer. The University of My Home Country wouldn't give me til April 15th, saying they were pressed for time and needed my answer within a week, so I accepted on a gamble that it was the better option than staying in Awesome Foreign Country.

Now that a few months have passed I have no desire whatsoever to leave Awesome Foreign Country. I took a few classes at the local university - not exactly in my field, but a related one, and I have enjoyed them thoroughly. There's been interest from Uni of AFC in having me as a PhD student in said related field. I have the possibility of a work permit and then longer--term residency if I stick around so there are no visa issues. I've networked a lot and am starting to build some pretty solid professional relationships. And damn, I'm just really happy here.

There are many reasons that a PhD at U of MHC would be a great opportunity, but what it comes down to is I feel like I am engaged to a person from a good wholesome background that my family would approve of, but I'm just not in love and don't see myself spending the rest of my life with them. I want to call off the wedding, even though the hall has been booked and the deposits paid...know what I mean?

I hate screwing people and I'm not pleased about inconveniencing the U of MHC, especially since my TAship is pretty involved with mentoring and other such stuff. I can't really let guilt drive me though, considering that if there was an unexpected pregnancy, chronic illness or being fatally struck by a falling object the department would have to replace me...when dealing with a large number of personnel those situations are always a possibility - shit happens and if the university doesn't have a back-up plan, it's not really my problem, right?

The worst case scenario I can think of is that I would be persona non grata for life at U of MHC and I could never collaborate with that faculty because they'd just be too pissed off. But I am no longer pining exclusively for a career in academia - in my field I can make a perfectly good living without PhD working outside of university institutions so I don't think I have ruined my career possibilities.

How can I handle this with U of MHC? It sucks for them, and I want to be as professional as possible, and express my apologies, which are very sincere, about the disruption that I will cause in the short-term future. I could lie, but I hate doing that. At the same time I don't want to suck up too much - it's not personal in any way, and I feel like my reasons are justified. There's really no point in me going through the motions for a PhD I'm not really interested in doing anymore and that will not do them any favors in the future.

I'd like to know your 2 Canadian cents if you have them.

-Andi

[fuzzylogician]

I would say the following:

It sounds like you've made up your mind, and from the way you put it - it sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself.

Given that, I think what you need to do is to let U of MHC know as soon as possible, so they have time to make arrangements to find a replacement for your spot.

You will, most probably, burn your bridges at U of MHC. That's unavoidable, but will be helped by a quick and courteous email explaining the situation.

A possible confounding factor to your story is that if you've made a commitment to U of MHC, you might need them to release you from your obligation before you can start a PhD at U of AFC. Since you don't specify countries I can't tell, but that's something to look into and take into consideration when formulating the email.

If you don't need a release, a short email explaining that circumstances have changed - you're living in AFC and want to stay there, and you don't want to do a PhD at U of MHC anymore; you regret the inconvenience you may have caused - seems like enough. I wouldn't recommend lying about wanting a PhD in [field] in general because if you go to conferences and publish someone from U of MHC could see your name and remember you. A lie you could consider (though I think it's unnecessary) is saying that you met someone at AFC and that's why you want to stay there. That could be an unoffensive way to explain why you want to do your PhD at another university.

In case you need a release, you might need to give more details about wanting to study at another university/country; in that case, you might want to reconsider saying anything about a relationship in AFC (even if it's true) - that might not come across too well.

I personally think that the truth is always the best policy, and would choose how much of it is relevant based on the situation. I don't think I'd lie either way. It's too much to keep in mind and worry about.

In any case, I can hardly see anyone forcing you to attend a program you don't want to attend. I know that there are complications and universities hate it when people back out of their offers, but it just wouldn't make sense for a program to waste resources on someone who flat out says they don't want to be there. Though you may have signed some agreement to attend, I've never heard of a university trying to legally enforce it.. I doubt that's even possible.

Anyway, that's my $.02.

[Ruprecht The Monkey Boys]

I would say the following:

It sounds like you've made up your mind, and from the way you put it - it sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself.

Given that, I think what you need to do is to let U of MHC know as soon as possible, so they have time to make arrangements to find a replacement for your spot.

You will, most probably, burn your bridges at U of MHC. That's unavoidable, but will be helped by a quick and courteous email explaining the situation.

A possible confounding factor to your story is that if you've made a commitment to U of MHC, you might need them to release you from your obligation before you can start a PhD at U of AFC. Since you don't specify countries I can't tell, but that's something to look into and take into consideration when formulating the email.

If you don't need a release, a short email explaining that circumstances have changed - you're living in AFC and want to stay there, and you don't want to do a PhD at U of MHC anymore; you regret the inconvenience you may have caused - seems like enough. I wouldn't recommend lying about wanting a PhD in [field] in general because if you go to conferences and publish someone from U of MHC could see your name and remember you. A lie you could consider (though I think it's unnecessary) is saying that you met someone at AFC and that's why you want to stay there. That could be an unoffensive way to explain why you want to do your PhD at another university.

In case you need a release, you might need to give more details about wanting to study at another university/country; in that case, you might want to reconsider saying anything about a relationship in AFC (even if it's true) - that might not come across too well.

I personally think that the truth is always the best policy, and would choose how much of it is relevant based on the situation. I don't think I'd lie either way. It's too much to keep in mind and worry about.

In any case, I can hardly see anyone forcing you to attend a program you don't want to attend. I know that there are complications and universities hate it when people back out of their offers, but it just wouldn't make sense for a program to waste resources on someone who flat out says they don't want to be there. Though you may have signed some agreement to attend, I've never heard of a university trying to legally enforce it.. I doubt that's even possible.

Anyway, that's my $.02.

[Ruprecht The Monkey Boys]

Thanks very much for your input. My decision to stay here has a lot to do with the fact that it has been a dream of mine to live in this Awesome Foreign Country for many years, but my previous studies, relationships, etc got in the way. My studies are also culturally focused and this country has a huge population of that culture. The issue that initially stopped me from applying to a PhD at U of AFC is that I feared a degree from a foreign university wouldn't be as prestigious as that of my native country. I am over that now - I think doing the research would be stimulating and rewarding and if I can only get a job in AFC as a result that is fine by me as I really like living here. I definitely could settle here for 5-10 years very happily.

It might be hard to get that point across since my native land holds itself as being the best at everything and academia in particular. The U of MHC may not grasp my desire to study outside of its borders but that is really at the core of the decision. I hesitate to make up a relationship because I don't want to come across as a flighty romantic - it's the *country* that I'm in love with.

It really would suck to burn bridges with the advisor I would have had at U of MHC because he is really top in the field and someone I admire a lot. I guess all I can hope to be is as professional as possible and hope in a few years if I get back to MHC for a conference or something, they will have forgiven me!