DEADLINE COMING!!! please give SOP critique

[rsandler00]

Hi Guys,

After much tinkering, I just finished my SOP, but I feel very insecure about it... It is the first such thing i did since high school and I havent shown it to anyone yet.... Please tell me what you think!!!!

I have some particular questions:

1. In paragraph 4, I mentioned 1 specific lab I want to work in. Is it good to get specific w/ labs? If i do, should I say more then 1 lab?

2. In paragrpah 2, i wrote a few sentences about my REU. I tried to make it understandable for everyone (or at least every scientist). Did I succeed!

3. Does insert about my grandma in p1 sound too cliche?

4. my essay is 526 words. is that enough?

the link to the statement is below:

www.simivalleyappliancerepairs.com/Statement of Purpose 2.docx

THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!!!

Edited September 22, 2010 by rsandler00

[newms]

To answer your specific questions:

1) Yes you can mention interests in working with more than 1 lab or more than 1 prof. In many cases, that's encouraged.

2) I think you could have been more detailed, and wrote more about your REU. Specifically how does it tie in with what you want to do in grad school. You could write a lot more here and I think your SOP would be better for it.

3) I though the point about your grandma was a good touch and helps to explain your motivation. Keep it in IMO.

4) 526 is a bit on the low side unless they specify otherwise. Usually an SOP is about 1000 words but some places will say 500 or 750, so I am not sure if there are any specific instructions for your application.

I'm sending a few general observations via PM.

Edited September 22, 2010 by newms

[rsandler00]

Thank you so much newms for the quick reply:

1. I changed my 4th paragraph (below) to reflect how I can contribute to UCLA. do you think its more BS fluff and i should talk about my background, or is it ok?

I believe UCLA is the school ideally suited to provideme the guidance and knowledge to allow me to succeed as a leading researchscientist. Not only, needless to say, does UCLAhave the reputation of a world-renowned research institution, but, afterlooking closely at its neuroengineeringprogram, it has several labs which appeal to me. In particular, Dr. Jack Judy’s lab tiesstrongly with my interests in brain-machine interfaces and neural prosthetics. [o1] Inreturn, I will give your program as many years as is takes of uncompromisinglyhard work. I have no illusions about the difficulty of successfully completinga PhD, I only ask that you give me the opportunity and help to do so.

2. As far as talking about my REU's, non of them really apply to my interests. At best they gave me an intro to how a lab works and experiance programming.... How do I deal with that

3. I feel that if I get too specific about my interest, it may narrow the # of labs i could work in very small, and thus make me a less appealing candidate (UCLA doesnt have that much labs in neuroengineering as it is....)

What do you think?

[hahahut]

I am in the process of revising my own SOP too. So just share some thoughts here. In my view, the reader is reading a SOP and asks two questions: 1. does this person have the research potential? 2. does this person have logical and sound motivations (therefore a source of determination) to achieve the goals? I am still trying to find a good balance between big ideas and specific goals to address the second question. For the first one, however, I tried to answer by giving a detailed description about my responsibilities and what I have done well. Actually in my case, I also mentioned what I haven't done as well as I wanted. But that leads to what I have learned and what I would do differently next time (I wouldn't recommend you doing that obviously). I hope my final SOP would tell the reader more than "this guy has done...something". They wouldn't expect a undergraduate project to be groundbreaking. But by showing them those details, I tried to tell them: 1. I used my individual thinking and employed anything I could learn from other works; 2. I didn't just happen to learn something. I would learn more and faster given the chances.

Don't really have a good answer for your first question. But statement like "Dr.xxx's work ties strongly with my interests in..." is too generic. I doubt they would take the seriously that you have done the research of their works and you genuinely believe it is a good fit.

For your second question, more research experience could support your claim about your research potential. However, in your SOP, the only part relevant to your involvement is one single sentence, which is just a quite objective description. I would put more in describing the challenge you faced and the contribution you made to that part of the project.

Just my 2 cents.

[newms]

+1 to everything hahahut said. Here are my thoughts on your questions:

1) I don't think this sentence works " Inreturn, I will give your program as many years as is takes of uncompromisinglyhard work. I have no illusions about the difficulty of successfully completinga PhD, I only ask that you give me the opportunity and help to do so." There's a trick to writing SOPs, in that you have to demonstrate your passion, your skills and your research experience/interests in what you write. So just saying 'I will work hard' or 'I have a passion for this' is no good. What you should say is something along the lines of describing your REU experience and your interests in such as way as to convey just how important this is to you. So in other words, don't say that you will work hard, but show it in how you worked for your REU. Show your passion for the subject by detailing challenges you faced on your REU and what you did to overcome them. Show that you are a problem-solver and someone who is committed to pursuing your goals.

2) As for the other REUs, they may not match with your current interests but they can show how you work in a lab setting. Write about how you overcame a challenge or solved a problem on the project. Show how you benefited from the experience and how you contributed to the research/project. REU experience, even if not related to your current interest, is an asset - don't hide it.

3) I think I see this from a different perspective. I think profs are looking for people that match up well with what they are doing, so the more detailed you are the better your chances of getting in would be. Just make sure that the prof is looking for new students to join their group/lab (if its close to the deadline it may be too late to ask the prof though). I think that admissions committees expect that what you write in your SOP will not limit your interests over the next several years, in fact they may expect that your interests will grow/mature or lead you in another direction as you pursue your studies. What I do think they expect (and I'm no expert) is to see an SOP that is focused - they want to see that you can outline a plan of study, even if you it's not necessarily the exact one that you end up pursuing.

Edited September 23, 2010 by newms

[rsandler00]

Thanks so much newms and hahahut.

I have made some revisions based on your advice:

1. I added much more about my REU. in particular, i said i didnt complete the project in summer, but am continuing to work on it (shows motivation?). Is it still too detached/objective?

In my most recent such experience, I worked withDr. Gerald Loeb on the BioTAC tactile sensor at the USC Viterbi School ofEngineering. The sensor calculates forces based on variations of impedance in aconductive solution. Temperature, however, also affects the fluid’s baseimpedance. Thus, the sensor would record different forces at differenttemperatures. My role consisted of independently designing and analyzingexperiments to quantify how the impedance of the BioTAC solution changes withtemperature, and to develop an algorithm to artificially bypass these effects. Althoughthe project proved more complicated then I imagined and I did not complete itover summer, I have made much progress and am currently continuing to work onthe algorithm, with an end in sight.

2. I was more detailed about the ab i want to work in. Is this the right level of detail, should i do more or less?

I believe UCLA is the school ideally suited toprovide me the guidance and knowledge to allow me to succeed as a leadingresearch scientist. Not only, needless to say, does UCLA have the reputation of a world-renowned research institution,but, after looking closely at its neuroengineeringprogram, it has several labs which appeal to me. Arguably the first step inmaking any device at the neural-interface, my long-term goal, is a thoroughknowledge of micromachining. Dr. Jack Judy’s lab has a long and successfulhistory of research in MEMS technology, and particularly in the application ofMEMS to neuroengineering. In return for your confidence in me, I will give yourprogram as many years as is takes of uncompromisingly hard work. I have noillusions about the difficulty of successfully completing a PhD, I only askthat you give me the opportunity and help to do so.

Plese let me know!!!

Thanks!

[newms]

Thanks so much newms and hahahut.

I have made some revisions based on your advice:

1. I added much more about my REU. in particular, i said i didnt complete the project in summer, but am continuing to work on it (shows motivation?). Is it still too detached/objective?

In my most recent such experience, I worked withDr. Gerald Loeb on the BioTAC tactile sensor at the USC Viterbi School ofEngineering. The sensor calculates forces based on variations of impedance in aconductive solution. Temperature, however, also affects the fluid’s baseimpedance. Thus, the sensor would record different forces at differenttemperatures. My role consisted of independently designing and analyzingexperiments to quantify how the impedance of the BioTAC solution changes withtemperature, and to develop an algorithm to artificially bypass these effects. Althoughthe project proved more complicated then I imagined and I did not complete itover summer, I have made much progress and am currently continuing to work onthe algorithm, with an end in sight.

2. I was more detailed about the ab i want to work in. Is this the right level of detail, should i do more or less?

I believe UCLA is the school ideally suited toprovide me the guidance and knowledge to allow me to succeed as a leadingresearch scientist. Not only, needless to say, does UCLA have the reputation of a world-renowned research institution,but, after looking closely at its neuroengineeringprogram, it has several labs which appeal to me. Arguably the first step inmaking any device at the neural-interface, my long-term goal, is a thoroughknowledge of micromachining. Dr. Jack Judy’s lab has a long and successfulhistory of research in MEMS technology, and particularly in the application ofMEMS to neuroengineering. In return for your confidence in me, I will give yourprogram as many years as is takes of uncompromisingly hard work. I have noillusions about the difficulty of successfully completing a PhD, I only askthat you give me the opportunity and help to do so.

Plese let me know!!!

Thanks!

Hi rsandler00,

I think the first paragraph you mentioned would be stronger if you were more positive about what you did, so instead of saying "My role consisted of..." say something like "I did..". Try to be more assertive rather than passive in your writing about what you have done. If possible talk about a challenge you faced and how you overcame it.

For paragraph 2, I would take out this sentence entirely "In return for your confidence in me, I will give yourprogram as many years as is takes of uncompromisingly hard work. I have noillusions about the difficulty of successfully completing a PhD, I only askthat you give me the opportunity and help to do so." It sounds a bit like you're begging them. Instead I think you should show that your interests and background would fit well at that program, perhaps by describing a problem that you would like to tackle.