Feeling lonely

[phoiyikas]

How does one make friends in grad school? Everyone in my cohort (except me) has graduated and have gone on now (I'm the only one staying to do a phd), and a lot of people on my floor are also finishing up and leaving. So, I've been feeling really lonely recently, and I don't know where to start making more friends. My lab is small (there are 3 of us altogether) and the other 2 grad students have outside lives so we don't really hang around much. I'm also quite socially inept, so I have a hard time "talking" to people such that they aren't uncomfortable around me (?). There's a lot of clubs here, but it seems like they're all for undergrads. Anyway, any tips, advice, words of encouragement, etc, are welcome!

Edited October 15, 2010 by phoiyikas

[newms]

I wonder how I'll fit in at grad school too since I'm not the socially gregarious type either. I suspect quite a lot of academics aren't particularly socially adept so I'm quite sure that there are probably lots of people at your school who feel the same way you do. Since your group is small, perhaps you can look for opportunities to mingle (I know we academic types don't mingle very well, but you have to try) with others in your department - does the department have social events? Outside of your department, some schools have events for grad students only, and those seem to be a good opportunity to make friends with people outside your immediate circle. In any case, it's going to require you to make an effort, so just look for any opportunities you can find to meet new people who might have similar interests or hobbies as you. Perhaps you can try a new hobby that you've always wanted to try but didnt have the opportunity, and meet new friends in the process.

Edited October 16, 2010 by newms

[UnlikelyGrad]

How does one make friends in grad school? Everyone in my cohort (except me) has graduated and have gone on now (I'm the only one staying to do a phd), and a lot of people on my floor are also finishing up and leaving. So, I've been feeling really lonely recently, and I don't know where to start making more friends. My lab is small (there are 3 of us altogether) and the other 2 grad students have outside lives so we don't really hang around much. I'm also quite socially inept, so I have a hard time "talking" to people such that they aren't uncomfortable around me (?). There's a lot of clubs here, but it seems like they're all for undergrads. Anyway, any tips, advice, words of encouragement, etc, are welcome!

The best thing my department does is to have a 'buddy' program for incoming grad students. Any grad student who's been there at least a year can buddy a new one. My buddy when I was a first-year is still a friend, and I now have a first-year buddy of my own who has lunch with me once a week. (Neither of us has the funds to actually go out to lunch, so we just bring our lunch to the picnic table outside the building.)

If your department doesn't have such a program, just do this informally on your own. Find someone who looks lonely and introduce yourself. It's only awkward once--if the person doesn't mind talking to you, that is. We non-gregarious types really only need one or two friends, anyway.

[poco_puffs]

I have a hard time talking to new people, making new acquaintances, getting together with people outside of school etc. I was fortunate to have some very socially-minded peers who started arranging things outside of school (it was a miracle I even went to the first one, that's how bad my social anxiety gets sometimes). Truth is, though, a lot of us in this program consider ourselves a little quirky on a social basis, so we got over the awkwardness and sit down together to have lunch or de-stress before heading to the next class.

It sounds like the number of people you have available for those sorts of social connections within your lab or department might be limited, so maybe try to venture out into the next bigger circle-- if not your lab, then a class; if not a class, maybe the department; if not the department, go out and find some sort of new student mixer or seminar/brownbag type of thing (even though it sounds like YOU technically aren't the new student, maybe it'll be the sort of environment you need to do this).

I agree with UnlikelyGrad: start small, say hi to one or two people, sympathize about how lonely and bewildering it can seem, and then *go do something.* Don't just let it be a 30 second conversation. Go get lunch, or coffee, or offer to wait with them for their bus or their class, or wander with them to the bookstore or a building you or they have never bee to before. Anything to get the conversation past awkward laughter and silences into something approximating more human contact. You're likely to find someone who is also lonely, or at least happy to have another friendly coworker/student with whom to chat on a regular basis.

[fuzzylogician]

It took me about a year to really start making friends in grad school. I am very fortunate to have a friendly cohort, but aside from that the best advice I can give you is to try to get involved in different things. Try joining ongoing projects or volunteering to do some of the many things that go on in any program - organizing conferences, sitting on planning committees for this or that, hosting the monthly departmental party or whatnot. Create opportunities to communicate with people. I think like most people you'll not enjoy just anyone's company; but if you can find 1-2 people who you feel comfortable around, that will be a great start. Different people have different capacities for friends. I find that I can only have very few good friends (like one, maybe two) and a small circle of other people I enjoy hanging out with. Probably 4-5 is my limit, more than that and I have a hard time keeping up with what is going on. Find your comfort zone and stick to it.

Like I said, it took me about a year to get here, but I'm very happy with my circle of friends right now. I was lucky in terms of cohort and office mates, but aside from that I joined a lab that has fun people who (luckily!) also do great work, and I stick to sitting next to the same people during classes and taking coffee breaks with them. I tried joining people for basketball games and going out to get free food at events, basically trying to set up opportunities where there was no pressure, which makes it easier for me.I occasionally organize a small event myself, like lunch in the department or pizza at someone's house. If you try something like that I think you'll find more people than you might imagine who will be very grateful to you for doing the hard work of bringing people together for them....slowly but surely. It's hard, but it can be done.