need help with just one paragraph

[subhashankar]

It would be a great help if someone could review the following paragraph for my sop:

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me that how the then known "factors" being so small in size had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s illimitable amount of dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics. "

Please help me bring some flow to this. I want to keep this as my first paragraph.

(I'm planning for masters in biomedical engg.)

[emmm]

It would be a great help if someone could review the following paragraph for my sop:

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me that how the then known "factors" being so small in size had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s illimitable amount of dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics. "

Please help me bring some flow to this. I want to keep this as my first paragraph.

(I'm planning for masters in biomedical engg.)

I think you have some unnecessary words. I recommend the following:

When I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity, I was intrigued that (this part of your second sentence is awkward, I would suggest rewording). Most importantly, Mendel's illimitable dedication and perserverance motivated me to display the same thirst to excel.

[subhashankar]

I think you have some unnecessary words. I recommend the following:

When I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity, I was intrigued that (this part of your second sentence is awkward, I would suggest rewording). Most importantly, Mendel's illimitable dedication and perserverance motivated me to display the same thirst to excel.

Thanks for the help