Please critique my SOM

[bryn04]

I would be very grateful if I could get some feedback on my Statement of Motivation. This is the first time I have ever written one, and I feel like I am at a loss. I don't know how long it should be since there is no requirement, atleast that I could find. Also, since the application does not require LOR, and I don't have anybody to write one for me in time, this is my only sell. So I need it to be a banging LOM. For those of you with experience with these letters, any help would be greatly appreciated. TIA!

To Mr. Christoph Parry,

Having spent my childhood as a competitive figure skater, I have learned the importance of setting a goal and never relinquishing until I achieve it. One example is the fact that I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in international communications in just three years while most of my peers graduated in five years. I believe this highlights my attributes as a determined, driven, and dedicated young woman. While figure skating may take the credit for creating a competitive nature within me, it also allowed me to interact with several international athletes, and it is through competition that I discovered a passion for the communication exchange between various cultures. Since then, my goal has been to understand the differences that lie between interactions within an international context and the responses that these connections generate.

I chose to study International Communication and Public Relations at East Carolina University due to the opportunity to create a unique major that was tailored to my interests in international understanding. While a student, I expanded my extra-curricular activities by being elected the public relations officer of our Student Government Association. This position allowed me to explore leadership opportunities such as the Jarvis Leadership Program, LeaderShape Conferences, and consequently, allowed for me to hold several leadership positions within various organizations such as intramural sports, the Figure Skating Team, the Student Media Board, and the Russian Club. All of these organizations gave me the opportunity to communicate with students of varying cultures and backgrounds, which I found to be extremely enlightening. The highlight of my undergraduate experience was an international studies course in which my class was able to videochat with students from Russia, Gambia, and Czech Republic. In this class, we taught each other about our cultures and created an open learning environment where we could appreciate one another and the customs, traditions, and religions we celebrated. This course was instrumental in shaping my desire to increase my education beyond the classroom. Upon this discovery, I chose to study at Moscow State University in Moscow, Russia to expose myself to communicating strictly with foreign students and to further enhance my fluency in the Russian language. I found that I excelled at linguistics and have a desire to learn additional languages. As you can see, my undergraduate experience severely motivated me to pursue my interests in international and intercultural affairs.

Although I received decent grades in academics and put forth my maximum amount of effort into my education, frankly I believe I could do better. My desire to constantly exceed previous expectations led me to pursue a master’s degree because I believe it is the best way to contribute to my goal of becoming an expert in the field of intercultural communication. Upon searching for graduate programs, I found the Masters of Intercultural Communication and Administration at Vaasa University to be the one that peaks my interest more than the others. After much research and conversation with professionals, I believe the program accurately identifies with my interest and passion to study the administration of cultural differences. I understand that the teaching staff is viewed as some of the best in Europe and I would consider myself lucky to have the opportunity to have them has professors and mentors. I am specifically interested in Professor Ari Salminen’s research in Public Management and Public Sector Ethics. I find these subjects to be of unique topic and am interested to learn his standpoint on how these two subjects affect an international context. To benefit from his experience would be an understatement. I chose to apply to this specific program because I firmly believe that my education and experience has laid the perfect groundwork for the courses that are offered. With acceptance, I hope to gain an increased understanding of how varying cultures react and respond to one another with specific interest in the courses, Public Ethics, Managerial Decisions, Practical Training, and the Finnish Language. However, I feel this masters’ degree is a very comprehensive program and I am highly interested in all of the courses offered.

My goal in completing a Masters in Intercultural Communication and Administration is an intense desire to work in an international environment, impressing upon society the understanding and education gained, in order to lead a community into a world where cultural differences are not only accepted, but celebrated as well. An example would be a spokesperson for an international organization or corporation. A position with such an organization would allow me to utilize the skills and education from this program to decrease the negative aspect of communication exchanges within an intercultural context. While at the same time, showcasing my ability to interact successfully with people of all backgrounds and cultures. Another goal I have is to further my education in a doctorate program to increase my expertise in this field in hopes of having a platform in a university classroom to discuss and teach these findings to other young students like myself.

I hope my sincerity and passion is conveyed in this letter, as your Masters program would not only aid me in accomplishing my goals, but also provide a once in a lifetime experience by living in a country where so many cultures are accepted. To reiterate, I believe that I can offer,

• A commitment to success
• An extreme work ethic
• A determination to fully experience what VAASA and Finland has to offer
• Ability to view challenges as opportunities
• Excellent group contributor
• Motivation and a sincere interest in the course topics

These are a few reasons why it would be beneficial to except me into your program. I sincerely thank you for considering my application as I look forward to becoming apart of such a dynamic University.

[joops]

Take out the part about figure skating.

Sorry, too tired to read the rest right now. More later.

[One Big Union]

Lots of passive voice. Take out things like "I wish", "I hope", " I believe I" as they demonstrate a timidity in your language. Schools don't want people who believe they can do better or hope they can do better, they want graduate students who already know they're fully capable, currently excel, and will continue. I think you can leave in the figure skating as long as you mention it as an achievement and not rely on it parable for your success in grad school.

[SuperPiePie]

I think it's pretty good. The part about figure skating can be hit or miss and like someone else has said before you need to use more active voice and some stronger language to show your determination. Other than that, I think you got a good chance!

[bryn04]

Thank you for your help. I completely agree and understand with what you all have said. It would be helpful to get any more feedback though as it is crucial to my application and I need the best letter possible. Thanks in Advance!