advice on applying with a significant other

[ElectedSilence]

So my boyfriend and I are both applying to grad programs--I'm doing English Lit, and he's doing Architecture. Which means I'll hear mostly during February and March, while he'll hear mostly during March and April. Assuming that things go well for us both, we fear that I may be feeling the pressure to render decisions before he's heard from some of his schools. We want to be in the same location, but realize it's complicated and probably unlikely, although we've overlapped our schools as much as we could.

Does anybody have any advice or tips on how to approach this, institutionally speaking? (advice on the emotional side of it is appreciated but not necessary--we'll do what we can and roll with it).

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

As long as your schools signed the resolution that accepted applicants have until April 15, don't let yourself feel pressure to decide earlier. I heard from my top two schools in December and January, but waited until late March to make a decision after my boyfriend finally heard from his programs.

Institutionally speaking, I did not "officially" tell my programs I was making my decision with a boyfriend in mind (i.e. I did not tell them he would sway me one way or another or that I would have to go where he goes or vice versa). My potentially advisors did know though that I was in a relationship, but because I had one-on-one time with them and it just came up. I doubt any of them spoke to my boyfriend's potential department.

The two-body problem is difficult to tread when you aren't engaged or married (or otherwise long-term). IMO, I don't think it is "serious" enough for an admissions committee to consider when deciding on applicants. Maybe if they just have to have you, they can be swayed, but again I only hear stories about this when it's engaged/married couples.

[newms]

Remember that neither of you has to make a decision before April 15, so you *should* have all or close to all the information you're going to need by then. You shouldn't let your schools know that you need to have your SO be admitted to his program (and vice versa) in order for you to come, until you get admitted. If there is a program that really wants either of you, then you could let them know that you deciding to come is contingent on the other's admission and the two departments may be able to work together.

Katherine Sledge Moore has some really good advice on this (she went through the process herself) here: http://sites.google....wo-body-problem

Edited January 24, 2011 by newms

[caezar86]

So my boyfriend and I are both applying to grad programs--I'm doing English Lit, and he's doing Architecture. Which means I'll hear mostly during February and March, while he'll hear mostly during March and April. Assuming that things go well for us both, we fear that I may be feeling the pressure to render decisions before he's heard from some of his schools. We want to be in the same location, but realize it's complicated and probably unlikely, although we've overlapped our schools as much as we could.

Does anybody have any advice or tips on how to approach this, institutionally speaking? (advice on the emotional side of it is appreciated but not necessary--we'll do what we can and roll with it).

I'm in a similar situation, with my boyfriend and I applying to different programs. We applied all overlapping schools, 3 in one city, and 1 in another. I've already heard back positively from 3 of my schools, but he hasn't heard back yet from any of his, which has later notification dates according to past posts on this forum. One of my acceptances is one of my two top choices, and they've said that I have until April 15th, but feel free to respond earlier. I'm thrilled, and would love to tell them I want to go there, but am holding off on the response since being in the same school/area together with my boyfriend is my top one priority over anything else.

As for institutionally speaking, you probably already know that they are not allowed to require a response from you until April 15. From what I understand from friends who have applied past years, this date is flexible depending on the institution. My friend contacted them and asked for an extension for making her decision, and they allowed it. You should probably only do this with your top one or two choices if you're accepted to multiple schools, and let the others know you definitely don't want to go their and let some poor waitlisters in on the action.

[adaptations]

My fiancé and I are both applying to programs, so I know a bit about what you're going through. I know many people have mentioned that you get until April 15th to decide, but unfortunately that isn't true for all programs/schools, so I recommend doing your research to see if it applies to you and your boyfriend's programs. For example, my fiancé was recently admitted with a nice scholarship to a master's program at Bentley who require a deposit by February 15th. Since I applied to PhD programs (where the April 15th notification is consistently applied), we don't anticipate being ready to make a decision by February 15th. He is requesting additional time before giving a deposit, but we haven't heard back whether it will be granted.

As for the broader question of how to manage the two-body problem, we identified cities that had strong programs where I wanted to apply to PhD programs and then searched for good master's programs for him in the same cities. When it comes time to make a decision on where to go, I suspect that we will prioritize living together, academic opportunity, and professional opportunities (especially since his master's will be over in a year or two and I'll still be in school). The results could be that we are both in school or one of us in school and one working, but that remains to be seeing. We have the unusual flexibility that we are not both committed to graduate school and will assess the options once we know what they are - we are trying to remain very open-minded to whatever options we are given.

[adaptations]

As an update to the previous post, Bentley offered my fiancé an extension on the deposit until April 15th, so it certainly doesn't hurt to ask and hopefully have some of the decision pressure postponed.